Monday, March 30, 2009

My terrable horrible no good very bad day!!

I guess it wasn't as bad as the title would make it sound, but its the best I could come up with. By the way, that's a great children's book (my title). I used to read it when I was little, I love it.


So it wasn't that good of a day. I already posted today but I needed to get some stuff out since, I have nobody else to talk to.


First thing that happened was my AVON boxes. AVON has there own delivery trucks so they don't use the popular shipping methods, they have there own. I was expecting about three boxes of Avon books and just some other supplies like bags and brochures. Apparently the AVON truck delivered the boxes to my door, MY APARTMENT DOOR. Well, someone must have thought that I was a seasoned AVON lady and that those boxes contained all AVON products because they stole all the boxes. I checked every place, even my neighbors who apparently saw the boxes but didn't see who swiped them. GRRRRRRRRRRRR!! The order has been replaced but I wont get my books for another week. What a waste of time. Generally if someone is not home, you take them to the office for safe keeping. I just have a hard time with the person who felt that they could steal something like that and then live with themselves. I hope they enjoy the almost 200 Avon books.


Then I find out that I probably am going to be on a hiatus from my job for...well maybe...forever. LOL Not forever but I babysit from home so if the parents of the children I work for don't work, then I don't get paid, thus no job. The dad can not hold a job, so I am out of luck. I don't know what is going to happen in that area. We will see what unfolds.


The agency lady called today and said she was probably going to stop over today and pick up the paperwork. She said she had to take another girl to the doctor and then she would maybe stop by but she would call before she came. Her last words were "Ill call you in a little bit." I got the house cleaned up, spent another hour on the last of the paperwork, and she never called and never showed up. I hate it when people leave things like that. If I say I'm going to call then I call, even if its to say "hay, I'm not going to show up." GRRRRRRR!! {{EDITED TO SAY}} Apparently the agency lady did call me until SEVEN o'clock that night but my phone was busy. I went to check this out when I found out and discovered that something was wrong with my phone line. Oh my, I feel terrible about this. It was my fault. I called her this morning and apologized up and down and gave her my cell number in case it happened again. She was sweet and gracious. OOPPSSS!!!


So, when the kids came home from school and started fighting like cats and dogs I lost it. I don't know what it was. I have mentioned before that I have to have a good cry every few months....well today..I made good of that notion. I think I cried in the bathroom for over a half hour. I couldn't stop, the tears just kept coming. I was so broken. I kept crying out to God that I needed him. I eventually felt some peace and was able to leave the bathroom. But now I am just so tired and still a bit weary. I know my problems are small, but in the moment they seem so big. I know I have a promise from God that he will supply all my needs according to his riches and glory. And you know what, my God is pretty rich.


So, I end the day still frazzled. I know I need a good nights sleep. But I know even more that God is walking beside me through all this and he wont leave me. Sometimes I am just ready to start a new chapter. Patience!!!


OK, and lastly, just to lighten the mood from this very dark post....here is a picture of me when I was about ten.

Now come on, wasn't I a beauty? (belly laugh) You have got to love the glasses.
Chelsea had a good birthday party yesterday. Her real birthday is not till the 3rd but we celebrated yesterday. The first one is of her brother Matthew. I'm not to sure what he is doing. LOL
OK, here is my dad. Now take his mustache off and don't you think he looks like Richard Gear? Come on..someone back me up on this. :)

T-Shirt from Auntie.

Chelsea is my little glamor girl. Here are like 100 bracelets from Auntie. Perfect present.


Giggling with friends and flashing her cute smile.

Here is sister Victoria displaying the little umbrella that went with the Hawaii theme.

And of course the blowing out of the candles. If you listen really close you can her cousin Jacob singing Happy Birthday to her at the top of his lungs. On second hand, don't listen that close or your ears will hurt.


video

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Hello again!!

I had one person as for the recipe of my soup. I actually make my soup just based on what my family likes and from just learning over time what works. Normally I would make it in the crock pot but I didn't start it early enough so I did it on the stove.

I will try to write it out. But I have never done this before so it will be very unprofessional. LOL
1. Get a big sauce pan and fill it about half with water. (this depends on how much soup you want to make, just eyeball it.)
2. Peal and cut up your potatoes,(about four large ones) and put them in the water with about four to five chicken bouillon cubes.
3. add carrots. I used a half bag of baby carrots but you could peel and slice up two to three or four(whatever you want) large carrots. Put in some frozen broccoli, frozen or thawed corn and turn the oven on medium to medium high heat.
4. Add spices. I add garlic powder, onion powder salt pepper....all to taste. You can use a real onion or real garlic, but I didn't have any...just use what you have.
5. Boil all that until the potatoes are soft. Your broccoli will start falling to pieces and that is good.
6. When the potatoes are soft turn the heat down to medium or medium low and get a separate bowl. Ladle in about a cup to a cup and a half of only the broth from your pot into the separate bowl and add about four tablespoons of flour and mix until there are no lumps. Add the flour mixture to the soup and stir.
7. Add one can of evaporated milk. If you don't have that then try using about a cup to cup and a half of regular milk.
8. Grate about three cups of cheddar cheese and put it in the soup, stir until it is melted. Soup should start to thicken but if it doesn't then just repeat the flour mixture step again and walla....dinner is served. YUMMY!!!

Now, you can add as much flavor or as little as you want. We try to eat a low sodium diet so you might need more salt or more cheese...yummy. The more cheese the better, except if your trying to loose weight. You can serve it by itself or with some yummy french bread. Just taste it here and there and make it to you and your family's liking. Its sure to be a hit.

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Im feeling pretty good. My hips hurt. They seem to be spreading. Baby boy is certainly taking up residency in my belly. I read some place that in order to make room for baby, my internal organs are shifted around. Nice hugh? LOL

I am one blessed momma. Rebekah has a box for all my letters and pictures for baby boy to be stored in. Its beautiful. She said that she hopes it is to small and will need to be replaced with a bit one some day. Ive been thinking about that. For one...how blessed am I to have two people care about me and the baby so much as to specify a box for my future letters. Baby isnt even born yet and they are inviting me to write, and write as much as I want to him and promising to keep the letters for his future reading.

But then I think....what do I write to baby boy? Of course the first letter I write him will be full of my feelings and love towards him...but then.....the question is, how often do I write him? I think that maybe the first year I might write him more often then I would subsequent years. I will just have to feel it out and see what feels good. I am hoping that the kids will also get into the letter writing. I have made them write letters over the years to family and friends. As much as I love the Internet, I try to get them to write more personal and handwritten letters to grandmas and people like that. I also have them write thank you notes to people that give them gifts for birthdays. I think its good practice for them...so it wont be to hard for them to write letters to there brother. After all, it will always be there brother. What a lucky little fellow. He already has two brothers and two sisters, and I am hoping in the future,that will grow as R and B's family grows...but if not...he already has a big family. I love it.

I think I will be on the look out for some really fun stationary that I can just use especially for baby boys letters. You always see in the movies that people save letters and they are all tied in a big bunch with a pretty ribbon. I will try to use the same envelopes and paper so they can be nicely tied with a bow or whatever Rebekah chooses.

I am sure I will have lots of pictures to post tomorrow. It is Chelsea's 13th birthday party. Her birthday is on the 3rd but her party is tomorrow. I cant wait to sit down and write her birth story. Oh the memories.

Until tomorrow.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

View from my back porch!!

video

Today we got a blizzard. Well they call it "blizzard conditions." I was sad because we really didn't get much of a winter this year. When yesterday it was in the sixties and today we are around 15 degrees, it is a little bit of a shock. But, I had to document it. I also made some yummy cheesy, corn, potato, and broccoli soup for this chilly day. It turned out yummy, but again I made to much. LOL I also took a video of our March blizzard from my back apartment patio.

Today I am 27 weeks. The baby is almost 2 pounds and around 14 inches long. He is growing eyelashes and if born now could survive. But of course, we want him to cook a little longer. As always, I can tell he is getting very strong because once today he kicked so hard it shook my whole belly. LOL It was so cool. I wish R and B were here to experience this. I just have to make sure to log it here so she and he can at least read about it.

The adoption agency called today. She said that she learned that the baby was a boy from Rebekah and B and that they were excited as all heck. (those were not her exact words LOL). She then said to me "How does it make you feel that you are having a boy." I told her it felt great but "WHY?" She said "Well with you having two girls I didn't know how it would make you feel to have a boy." I laughed, and said to her "Well I have two boys to." LOL She was so sweet but shocked and said that I had my hands full. She has not received any paperwork from me so she doesn't know much about me so it was a legit question but I do think I shocked her. To funny.

Well I am out of work for a bit. The dad of the little ones I work for has been laid off. Im not that upset or worried about it. My bills are paid and I am certain that he will find a job. He is looking really hard and assures me that they still need me but it will be a bit of a break. Like I said, I am not worried. Me and God had a talk (grin), and I know he will take care of everything.

Here is my soup!!



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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Adoption paperwork!!

The stack of paperwork they sent me is incredible. A lot of the stuff, I discovered, was not for me to fill out but for the agency to fill out after they evaluate me. What? Why did they send it to me? Here are a few of the possible things that could be checked off by the agency...

Birth mother has a history of working with more than 1 agency or scamming-or is trying to play agencies against one another.

Birth mother is deceitful, untruthful and/or gives conflicting information.

Birth mother is mentally retarded and cannot make informed decisions.

Birth mother is not interested in the name the adoptive parents picked out for baby.

I started to fill out this three page questionnaire. I couldn't believe they were asking me these questions, then I read the top and learned that the caseworker is to fill this paper out after she does orientation with me. The thing about this paper is that if the birth mother does have mental problems or is trying to scam other agencies, she would have this form to know exactly what they were looking for and just pretend. Also, a copy of this paper goes to the adoptive parents. I just thought it was weird that I got it.

I was also shocked that there are birth moms out there that scam and join several agencies just to get compensation. First of all, I had no idea that the adoptive parents could potentially help with rent and things like that. In fact, there is another form that asks if I need help with maternity clothes, rent, food, and things like that. I understand that there are birth moms out there that need help, but I just could not bring myself to ask for it...EVER. Nor did I know it was even available. My adoptive parents have an additional 8,000 dollars tacked onto there fees just because I live in another state and they are mandated to go through an agency here in my state. GRRR!! How maddening. Don't get me started on the money issue. Birth moms are not the only scammers. Anyway, all that to say that its wonderful that all those things are available to birth moms, but I will NOT need to take advantage of the extra stuff that was offered.

I have not even been through half the stack of papers and I run into another issue. The papers say that if need be, the baby will be placed in transitional care. I refuse for my baby to be put in strangers hands. I don't care how many certifications they have, I will bring the baby home before I let it go to a transitional family. Rebekah and I already talked about this and I believe we are on the same page. She will fly over oceans before baby boy is put into transitional care. It seems like it wouldn't be an issue but it could be if I give birth before anyone expects it. I am not generally in the hospital for more then 24 hours (if all goes well). The paperwork said if the adoptive parents are not here by the time I am discharged then baby will be placed in transitional care. Nope!! I don't like that at all.

The last thing that I learned from all this paperwork is that it is really important to establish if I am from a Native American tribe. Sheesh! I think they ask me that 20 times throughout the paperwork.

So not to much else is a shock. It sounds like the new agency is very competent. I feel very good about going through them.

Monday, March 23, 2009

How cute!!

I don't mean to brag, but arnt I cute? The picture at the top of my blog behind my description is me. I'm not sure how old I am, probably around nine months, but I just think I'm adorable. LOL Don't you love the Mohawks they used to give babies? Oh wait, I used to do that to my babies to because it is so cute. :)

Ive been a busy little bee today. I have washed eight loads of laundry. I am so sore now. My hips hurt and I feel like I have been working out for several hours. Its a beautiful day here in the 40's, with potential rain. I love cloudy days.

I'm trying to get all my house chores done so that tonight I can enjoy sitting in front of the TV and hopefully tackling that BIG stack of adoption paperwork. I don't like it sitting around.

Chelsea came running into the kitchen today after she checked her email. She was SOOOO excited because she received a birthday present online from Rebekah. She gets to go shopping online with a gift certificate she was given. This is the sweetest thing. Rebekah, your amazing. This really made her smile and is just right up her alley. She is a fashion and shopaholic. LOL Thank you so much. Tell B thank you to, and let him know how much she loved it.

Hope everyone is having a great day. I have had some tears today (because of over doing it and cleaning up mess after mess after mess) but mostly I feel great and happy and I just love today.

Remember, there can be some positive in every day if you look for it.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

The Thorn!! Adoption updates!!

The church I attend has been through a lot of heartache and trials the past two years. First the very publicised fall off our pastor Ted Haggard, and then a year later the tragic shootings, in our church, that killed two of our sweet teenagers, and injuring many more. Although we knew that the church would pull through, it was decided to take a break from all our big Easter and Christmas performances. So now, its 2009 and we are back in action. This is our first big performance since our year long break and the excitement is in the air. We have been practicing now for about a month and a half. My girls are both in the play and we are just having such a good time.

I took some video on Saturday during our practice. Not everyone is in costume and the sanctuary is a mess but it gives you a small glimpse of what it is about. I tried to capture the heaven scene but the video was to long. Maybe Ill put it on YouTube.

This first video is from a distance, but it is of Jesus preaching in frontof the multitude of people. He multiplies the bread and the fish and feeds thousands of people. When the people are jumping up and running out it is after he has passed out the bread. You can see the Roman Solders patrolling the pretend streets.


video

This next video is on Palm Sunday. Generally the cast will be waving palm branches but not during practice. Jesus is of course in the white coming through the door, and yes, that is my son running through the isles after him. LOL

video

This scene is the Hell scene. I tried to capture a demon falling from the ceiling. I kinda missed it though. This scene is the spiritual battle between Satan and the Angels while Judas is betraying Jesus with 30 pieces of silver. I couldn't capture Satan, but he is quite freaky. During the whole play he is pretty much in it. As you can see our play has a lot of spiritual battles in it because in reality, that is what was going on behind what everyone could see. Satan was working VERY hard to win. But we know in the end he does NOT win. Thank GOD!!!!

video

This is Jordan (our Jesus in the play) right after John the Baptist baptized him. And the picture below that is Chelsea in her slave costume getting geard up for the Egypt scene, which I did not capture.

videoAnd of course this last video is of Jesus on the cross between the two thieves. Im proud th share the small videos.

On the adoption topic. Yesterday I got a big ol packet in the mail from the adoption agency here in town. This will be the third time I have filled out information for an agency but this packet is different. I opened the packet and was looking through it and found some actual court documents. It was so surreal to see these papers with my courts name on the top, and to realize that these are the papers that I will sign my baby away with. It didnt make me sad or scared but it made it seem really really real now. Its actually happening and while I looked at these papers it just seemed so weird. I cant explain it. But I am glad, im glad something is finally going to be started and I can start getting a clear picture of what will happen. Its all good news.

Friday, March 20, 2009

I hate finding titles for new posts!!!

Its incredible, my son is actually taking a nap with the day care kids. In separate rooms of course, but I have an unbelievable two hours (crossing fingers) to do what I want. *sigh*

Today was a whirlwind. My daughters birthday is coming up on April 3rd. She is going to be 13. A TEENAGER!!! I cant believe this. I have been a mommy for 13 years. (detailed birth story to come) Anyway, I generally do very simple family birthday parties but for some birthdays I really like to do special things. The ages I really think are special are ten, because you have reached the double digits, thirteen, because your a teenager now, and sixteen, because you can drive. So Chelsea decided she wanted to go to Mr. Biggs which is a huge fun place with bumper cars and just a load of fun. Now generally this place is about seventeen dollars a kid for an all day pass, but I bought the birthday package for 99 dollars. That will include eight kids and two hours of unlimited play time, plus other things but that's the main stuff. This is a very special birthday. So I scheduled that today and then had to run and get invitations, fill them out and then drop them off at her school because next week is spring break and she wont see her friends. (breath) All this while tugging around the baby in my belly, a six month old and two three year olds. LOL What a site.

Good news on the adoption. It looks like all the information I have been told over the past few months is wrong. :) I am so excited because we can get Ron to terminate his rights sixty days before baby is due. That's at the end of April. That is going to fly by. I cant WAIT to get him out of the picture. I was really not looking forward to then end when I had to wait to find out if this man was going to live up to his word and cooperate. So this is good GREAT news.

The second piece of good news is that I am pretty sure we have our agency picked out and ready to go here in my state. I finally have someone that I can call and get straight forward answers. The bad news is that I know it is costing R and B a ton of money. Why does it have to be this way? All they want is a baby. I thought selling babies was wrong....not that I am selling my baby but someone is making a killing off this couple wanting a baby. Its just not fair. I don't like the system, I think it uses and abuses. No wonder people like Angelina Jolie can adopt so many babies with such ease....if you have the money, they pretty much hand you children.
R and B are taking everything by stride. I think they are the most strong and loving people I know. All they are going through for baby heart makes me so proud that they will be mommy and daddy to my baby. Its not fair, its not right all that they are going through, but it will be worth it and all this will be a distant memory when baby comes.

I did get brave and I have sent two belly photos to Rebekah. I will NOT post the originals because I think they are terrible...but with Rebekah's talent with photoshop, I am totally glammed up and they actually look (dare I say?) cute.

The doctor called and said that I could wait the four weeks in between appointments after all. My next appointment with ultrasound will be April 8th. I am glad there is a bit of time. I am getting a little concerned. I am noticing a little bit of swelling in my ankles. This is not a good sign. I have decided to give it a bit of time to clear up on its own before letting the doctor know. Baby continues to move well. His movements are getting very strong. I am watching my salt intake and my blood pressure is under control so things are going pretty well.

This is going to be quite an emotional roller coaster for all who is involved in this. :) We will see what comes next.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

25.6 weeks and 99 days to go!!

WOW! I have been watching my ticker (at the bottom of my blog). I just couldn't wait to see that ticker say 99 days. Its funny. All my other pregnancies were SOOOOO long. It seemed like I was pregnant as long as an elephant. This one is surprisingly fast. Its probably because I have so many kids to keep me busy and unlike the other pregnancies I don't spend every moment dwelling on how much time I have left.

I'm really scared for the delivery. I know I need an epidural and I know I will get one but they are very painful to get. Its not necessarily the pain of the needles they put in, but its the terrible electric shocks that go down your knees and bounce back up your body until he has it right. I have had five epidurals in my life and none of them were comfortable. But the relief they give is worth all the discomfort.

Well my meeting went well yesterday with the Avon lady. I am official now. It cost me a whole ten dollars. In the future it will cost me about twenty dollars to buy 100 books but that will be the only cost. I am sure hoping that something comes of it. I would love to be successful with it. I also will have an online account to be able to sell to people all over the country, they don't have to be here in my state. If it doesn't work out, then I lost ten dollars. :)

Baby boy is doing great. The doctor called and said I'm doing so well that he moved my appointment (with ultrasound) to the 8th of April. This is great because the appointments are going to quickly catch up to me in the end so the break will be good.

My relationship with Rebekah and B continues to grow. I LOVE talking with her and emailing her. Its a wonderful friendship we are developing. I am so thankful for that. Its exactly what I wanted. I am now starting to regret that they are so far away, but I know that it will all work out and God has a perfect plan for it all.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Better day!!

OK, It always feels good to have a good cry. I notice with me that I need to cry once every few months and then I just feel better. So, today, I feel great. Chelsea woke up in a good mood and all is well in our home. What the heck was last night about? LOL She acts like nothing happened. (sigh) Teenagers!!!!

So, today is going to be great. We have Easter practice tonight, which I always enjoy. I am going to try and get a picture of the girls in there costumes. Ok, and don't laugh.....well, you can laugh if you want.......but...Ill be having a visitor today...

ITS THE AVON LADY. LOL I have always wanted to sell Avon so I thought I would give it a shot. Its only ten dollars to join and sell and then you have to buy your books. I'm going all out. I'm going to buy 100 books for 20 dollars. I figure my kids and I will have fun passing them out together around town and maybe just maybe it will bring some income in for me. Who knows. Ill let you all know. Hay...I told you not to laugh. (I'm laughing) :)

OK and here is a little blast from my past. This is me as a freshmen in high school. I am a very modest girl an so this dress was very risque for me. I borrowed it from a fellow senior and loved the color but was very insecure because the boys were staring at my cha chas all night long. GRRR!! Boys!! Anyway, this is my homecoming picture. I grew up in a christian school so we did not have dances but homecoming dinners which was just dinner and a speaker. We thought it was fun. And hay!!! Don't you love my hair. It kinda reminds me of an oscillating fan. LOL



Monday, March 16, 2009

Highs and Lows, and some changes.

Its amazing how one day can contain such high highs and such low lows. Such is the single parent life right?

I had an amazing day despite my ten year old Victoria being home with the flu. She is generally
a sweetie and not to much of a challenge.
I had so much energy. Chelsea (the oldest) was sick all weekend so there were not many chores done around the house and with so much energy I was bound and determined to have a productive day, and so I did. I did six loads of laundry. Now keep in mind that I can do three at a time but I still had to haul the laundry up and down over twenty steps. LOL I cleaned under the fridge (it has wheels so it was not hard to move). I swept and mopped the kitchen. I took the two three year olds outside with the six month old where they played for an hour. It was a beautiful seventy degree day, I felt good about myself and about what I had accomplished. I HATE to sit around and watch TV all day. It makes me depressed and it makes me feel useless. So the day couldn't have gone better. Then......
Chelsea and Matt came home from school. I am not going to go into all the details but to make a long story short, Chelsea (the almost 13 year old) (I think) despises me. I go out of my way to be kind and try to set a good example but her words towards me are like venom to my mommy heart. She is so angry with me. I try so hard not to let her words get me offended (per the counselor) because I know she is hormonal and I try really hard to just let it slide off my back, but she is my baby. It does hurt to hear how she clearly cant show me love. Is it because I divorced her dad? Is it because (I'm bawling again LOL) she doesn't have her dad around? Is it because I wont let her have a boyfriend at 12 years old? I'm so confused. So, I decided to just lay it all out for her and let her know how she has hurt my feelings. I cried and cried tonight and I had to go to my room.
Is my breakdown because I over did it today? Is it because I have just flat out had it with my daughter being so disrespectful to me for months on end? Or could it be that I am pregnant and just hormonal myself? I don't usually cry in front of my kids. I am usually pretty well put together but today I lost it. I'm tired. This is a very hard job. I need a break.
So life is not all peaches and cream. I know that. Today was a high and a low for me. I loved it and I hated it.
Here is a video and some pictures from today. I am so silly and took a video of Skyler sideways. So sorry. I don't have a program to turn videos. Its still cute to see him blow bubbles. Even my dog Maggie enjoyed the day. It really was beautiful. I kept the windows open all day and it was perfect. I would show pictures of the little kids I babysit but they are not my kids and I feel a bit funny doing it. So here is Skyler and Maggie.
Oh I edited this to talk about a change to my blog. I have decided to moderate all comments. I didn't do it in the beginning because I felt like I chose to make this public and everyone had the choice to speak there mind, however; when I started this blog I did not know that I was going the adoption route. It seems to spark some very impressive opinions that I will be moderating and deciding which ones will appear on the blog. Mostly every body's will except those that are just not nice.



video



Saturday, March 14, 2009

Our Saturday....so far!!!

I took the two middle kids to Chucke Cheese today for a birthday party. I decided it would be fun for Skyler to run around and play while the other two were having the party. There was this cool machine that would sketch your picture and I thought it would be really cool to get me and Skyler's picture sketched. I was so wrong. He was NOT in the mood and would not sit still. He was WAY to busy for it. I wanted to do it anyway and so here are our only two attempts.



The first one shot our picture before I knew what was going on. The second one, as you can see, he was not happy about...but hey, we got our picture sketched. LOL Oh, the memories.



Chelsea didn't go to the party because she started throwing up this morning. She wasn't going to attend the party anyway but was going to sit with me. Then after the party, Victoria starting feeling sick. So I have two girls in the living room on this beautiful Saturday afternoon sick on the couches sipping Ginger Ale.

I watched the movie "boy in the striped pajamas." What a terribly sad but true movie. I enjoyed it, but again was sad by what people are capable of.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Six Months

Well today marks six months for me. Yes, it represents that I am not only six months pregnant but it is significant in other ways to. As anyone knows when reading my blog, I have a very hard time forgiving myself for the choices I have made (ironically) six months ago. But, I do believe that for me, time does heal. It has been six months since I have seen Ron. To me that's a lot. That's half a year. I never want to go back. Every day I have to think about him because he is partly why I am pregnant and he is partly why I am not keeping my baby. He wants nothing to do with us. He wants to cut all ties. I cant even imagine how someone can do this. He knows that I am carrying his baby. I cant even cut all ties with my baby. Yes, I am giving him up to adoption, but I am certainly not cutting all ties. I couldn't. Little baby heart is part of me and I will always want to know that he is OK. I am thankful that R and B are allowing me to do that.

So today is very significant for me. I certainly don't feel whole. I still very much feel dirty, especially when I am faced with people that I can tell are disappointed in me. I cant wait to feel clean again in my spirit, and I cant wait to feel new. I know, people are going to tell me that I am already forgiven, and I know that. I know God has forgiven me, but I cant forgive myself. So, time is healing. I feel like I am coming out of it. I thank God for my mom and my dad and my sister in law and her husband who have been with me through everything, yet still manage never to judge me but to offer there unending love and support. What would I do without them?

I have had a few comments that I wanted to address on here. I appreciate again all the comments, but again feel the need to clarify my decisions.

Someone asked why the father was not around to help pay child support and to just help financially and they also asked why my family couldn't pitch in to help. Those are very fair and good questions.

My family (within the past five years) is broken. My parents were married for 30 years and are now divorced. My mom is disabled so my father is ordered to pay my mom $1400.00 per month in maintenance for life (unless my mom remarries). He can barley make it on his own much less support me. My mom has Multiple Sclerosis and makes enough to support herself, not me and my (what would be) five grandchildren. I have one sister who is single and I would never ask anything like that of her, plus she doesn't have any extra to give. The father (or sperm doner) is a single father himself who lives a life full of lies and deceit. I have seen bill collectors come into his place of business to have his wages garnished and the complete staffing of his job (including the owner) lie to the guy and say that R didn't work there. It would take me years to see a penny from this man and I would be lost by that time financially. So, there you have it. I don't know where I could pinch pennies to feed a fifth child. I would have to buy a new car since mine only seats five, and my small apartment would have to be replaced to house all six of us. I must also add that money is not the only issue. Do you have any idea how much time and attention children require? I do not have enough to give my four, much less add a fifth. Parenting (in my opinion) is not a job for a single person, it can be done, but it was not designed like that.

The solution!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Adoption. My baby will have a BEAUTIFUL home with wonderful parents where he will live a normal life with a mom and a dad. The children I have now will go on as they have without any huge interruptions and we will all have our ups and downs but its a heck of a lot better then the alternative.

What is the alternative? Basically, my baby would grow up with strangers in a day care. I will pick him up at the end of the night as well as my other FOUR kids and go home tired, but still have to do all the things that a mom has to do like dinner and bath time homework, house cleaning, laundry etc........ Some how I would fit in the diaper changes and feedings while I cook dinner and fill the needs of all the other FOUR kids, put the big kids to bed and then proceed to stay up all night with the baby just to get up early the next morning to do it all over again and again and again with no breaks. With the four that I have, I go out maybe twice a year. That s the only time I get a break from the kids. This would be my life. There is no time for anything and I would slowly loose myself to depression. I would become bitter and angry and I would go from being a good mommy of four to a frustrated and worn out and angry mommy of five. Sounds harsh hugh? ITS REALITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ive lived it and I know.

So when you want to leave a comment on my blog and beg me to keep my baby, save your comments until you TRULY think about what it really means for me to keep my baby. Do you want to be in my shoes? Really think about it. I made a terribly rash decision to get pregnant without having a commitment with a man and it came back to bite me in the butt. I made the mistake and now I have to make the best of a bad situation.

Now I live my life dedicated to the children. No I don't have a social life but that is part of being a single mom. I embrace it, but I also know my limits. I want to continue to be loving to my children. I want to be able to listen to them when they actually sit down and talk to me.

My ACTUAL needs!!! Being pregnant is starting to take its toll on me. I still have to work and take care of my four kids and my body is starting to really slow down. I NEED for people to be supportive because this is only going to get harder. I'm going to get bigger and more crabby and tired and I really need support from people telling me I can get through this. The only thing keeping me going is that it will eventually end, and that it will end wonderfully.

I hope I wasn't to mean in this post. I don't mean to be, but I wanted to be clear on my motives and my direction.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Doctors appointment!

My doctors appointment went good. This is a high risk pregnancy because of my pre-eclampsia, so baby boy will be photographed a lot. I have another ultrasound in three weeks AND I had to press for that because she wanted me back in two weeks. She said she would let me come back in three weeks instead of two because Ive been on good behavior. (grin) But if I didn't come back I was in big trouble. I love my doctor, shes a kick.

Not much new to report. Baby boy is growing well, although they don't know why I measure a little big because everything seems fine. Oh, and they gave me the paperwork to get the one our glucose test done. UGGGG!! I hate that test. You have to fast for several hours (bring on the nausea) drink some nasty sugar drink and then wait in the waiting room for one hour before getting your blood drawn. I have never had gestational diabetes but its still required. I don't know when I will get this test done.

Baby boy is still breach. He is also facing my spine so getting pictures is nearly impossible. Here is the one of them. If you look to the right you can see one eye socket(black circle with a little white in it) and then his nose is of course beside it. I noticed in this scan that he is a bit more scrunched up. I thought he would have plenty of room in there but I guess he is getting big.

This one is obviously his spine but I like it because if you follow his spine from right to the left you reach his head and then if you go down a bit you can see his sweet little ear. Keep in mind that this picture is of him facing the floor. He is not facing up but down.
Needless to say little guy was not about to show his face in this scan, but he was not shy about showing his boy parts. And I have to add that his boy parts are quite substantial. LOL


24.6 weeks

Today I have my ultrasound and my OB appointment. Hopefully I will have more pictures to post later.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Tuesday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcNPGWgbIbo

I don't know how to get a YouTube video over to here so I just pasted the link here. I also have this song first on my play list. This song is sung by Steven Curtis Chapman, who is a man and the song is written from his perspective. More importantly though, I think that its written from a parents perspective. Every time I listen to this song it hits home for me. This is how I feel about my kids every day. Right before Mr. Chapman wrote this song he had just attempted to give his two young daughters a bath. The two little ones kept getting out of the bathroom and running around the house wet and naked. He was getting frustrated because he had a lot of work to do in the studio and all he wanted them to do was get into bed. He got them bathed and into bed and then walked out of there room and this song was developed from that night when he realized that we only have our kids for a short time. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. This situation that Mr. Curtis wrote about is a daily occurrence for me, I remember when Chelsea was just two.......now I only have about 5-6 more years with her. That is not that much.

My kids are again gearing up to go to Arizona with there dad. They will be gone this time for a full two months. I am so happy for them to go because they need there dad and they have so much fun. But, on the other hand I miss them so bad. I always go back to the fact that they are not mine, they belong to the Lord. Here are the lyrics to the song "Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman. I have adopted this song as my own because it means so much to me and brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it. You can also click on the link above to see the video, or just listen to it on my blog player.

CINDERELLA

She spins and she sways
To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day
And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me
Saying "Dad, I need you

There's a ball at the castle
And I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms'
Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song'
Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "Dad, the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?

"So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms'
Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song'
Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

She will be gone

Well, she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away
But I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms'
Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song'
Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone


Edited to say thank you to the sweet anonymous commenter that commented recently. It was a sweet comment and I read every word. Thank you!!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Not sleeping much...

The insomnia has kicked in full time. I don't feel that tired in the day time so that is very good, but the nights are so long because I just cant seem to get sleep. I remember when I was married and pregnant this would happen and I would spend most nights on the couch so I wouldn't wake him up.

I don't like to talk about money so much but this is on my mind. I run a small day care out of my home. I only watch two kids at once and this time I am blessed that they are from the same family. I take care of two sweet boys ages six months and three years old. I have watched them since the little one was six weeks old. Its a HUGE blessing for me to be home with my three year old. I do not take it lightly that I can be home with him during these short years before school.

Generally I get paid from this family every week. Since the economy has become so terrible, the father has had a hard time keeping his job. He got laid off all of December and now they have dropped his hours down to about thirty hours a week. This is not good for me because I find that if he doesn't get paid, then they do not pay me. I don't want to give a bad impression of them because they have always caught up on there payments but if it were not for my tax money in January, I would not have recovered from December. Anyway, again it happened yesterday that they said they could not pay me. I really needed the money and asked them if they could possibly pay me something instead of nothing to get me through the weekend. They then wrote me out a check for 100 and said they would pay the rest on Monday. We will see.

The issue I am having is that I don't like depending on someone else for my income. Its scary for me not knowing if I will be able to pay rent. I make enough money (if the money was coming in) to support me and the kids but I am having some serious thoughts. I am in a precarious situation now because I am pregnant (I wish I could go yell at Ron because of this). Its hard enough to get a job much less walking in with a swollen belly and asking for a job. Yeah right. LOL Ive tried that before and it doesn't work so well. So, my prayer is that my babysitting job will hold out for a few more months until I can have this baby and then possibly look for a job outside the home. It would only have to be part time but Skyler would be put in daycare. He is really close to preschool age anyway so It wouldn't be so bad. I have had three wonderful years with him. I'm so blessed for that.

I know it will all work out. I don't have a back up if cant pay my bills. That is the hard part. If worse came to worse I would have to move to Arizona and live with my mother in law(ex). That wouldn't be that great of a situation because I would have to start over again. I don't want to do that. I have worked to hard to get where I am.

When baby boy is born I plan on changing a lot of things. It will be a chance to do better and start over. I a very excited for that.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Phone calls....

I honestly hate making up titles for blog entries. I can never find anything amusing or fun to put on the title so my titles are boring. LOL

Last week I had a dream that baby boy was born and I had no way to contact Rebekah and Ben. Now I realize that if worse came to worse I could probably contact the agency but that's not very fun. I decided to give Rebekah my phone number and just let her know that it was not an obligation for her to give me hers but just an open door. I knew that it was the one thing that we were hesitant to do so I wasn't sure. I got an email back from her that she was also ready to give me her phone number and so that day we exchanged numbers. She didn't call me though but left the door open for me to call her.

So here I have her phone number for almost a week and had not called her. I am a very outgoing person but for some reason I was very nervous to call her. Not to mention I had laryngitis and I didn't want her to hear my voice like that. Well, after about two weeks of having this laryngitis I realized it was just going to hang out and at least it was better then before, but my voice is still a little lower then it usually is. Oh well, I decided to pick up the phone and call her last night. I got all the kids to bed and (in bed but they were not asleep) dialed her phone number. I was really nervous. I dial the number and hear on the other line "hello", I said "hello Rebekah?" On the other end I hear a very calm "yes this is Rebekah." I'm my mind I thought (this is the truth Rebekah) she is so calm. LOL I said "Its me Rebekah." I was laughing my head off this morning reading her blog where she said that when she saw my number pop up she was dancing around the room but managed to pull it together when she spoke. This is exactly the feeling I got when I heard her voice. SO FUNNY! I love this gal.

Anyway, we spoke for two hours last night and it was so wonderful. I cant even began to go into all we spoke about but it truly was like two old friends talking. I really felt like we clicked. It was so wonderful. I was worried because I knew she was two to three hours ahead of me and I wasn't sure if she was getting tired or not. :) It went so well. Thank you Rebekah for the wonderful phone call.

Baby boy is hopping around and doing well. I am 24 weeks now. How amazing. I'm more then half way through. Thank the good Lord. LOL I have my next ultrasound and OB appointment on Wednesday the 11th. My mom is watching Skyler and so It will be a nice calm and quiet visit.

Shout out: To my dear cousin. I love you girl. You are doing wonderful on your weight loss. I hope to join you soon. (hugs)

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I know it will be hard......

I wish I didn't have such a hard time writing how I feel. You read books of all these wonderful writers that can put there feelings down on paper so eloquently. My gifts come in different forms. If I ever had to write a book then I would have to hire someone to write it for me.

I think about the end of this journey. I know it will be hard, but as weird as it may sound, it wont be hard in the way you all would think. Of course I am going to love my baby, and of course I am going to kiss him and hug him and ohhhh and ahhhh over his tiny features, but then handing him over to R and B will be the fun part. The hard part will be looking back. Looking back at the night that changed my life forever. Looking back at the decisions I have made that have taken such a toll on my body and mind. Realizing that my journey is almost over (at least this leg of it) and crying over time lost. I don't know that it is lost. One of my family members keeps asking me "the important thing is, did you learn anything?" LOL Well, that will be the hard part, I absolutely learned from it.

For me, the joy in this whole situation is helping B and R build a family. I really believe that they are my gift. They are the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that there are ladies out there that will read this post and maybe have some negative things to say. I think though that it would be better if you just watched it happen. You have said what you need to say to me (you know who you are) and I think that is enough. In all honesty I think your approach to me was absolutely absurd. It was like going to an abortion clinic and yelling at the precious girls that are walking in "YOUR A MURDERER" "YOUR KILLING YOUR BABY." I hate it when people do that. Its a complete turn off. Jesus would have never done things that way. He used patience and kindness and love to get his point across and it worked. (OK now people are going to bash me on Christianity LOL) I support those ladies in trying to educate people, but I really think there is a better way to do it.

Everyone has there own journey, and there own story to tell. I am glad that we are all different and unique. What a boring world it would be if we were the same and if our stories were all the same.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Matthew

Matthew (my nine year old) accompanied me today to the grocery store. He was sweet and helpful and I think was trying to make up for getting in trouble for fighting with his sister less then an hour ago. Anyway, he was doing great. We got our groceries and drove home and I called the girls to come out and help put things away. I tried to voice to all the children that all the groceries needed to be brought in, and if they were all brought in then they could all have the snack I bought for them (Carmel corn, very special treat). The girls were doing a good job bringing the stuff in but Matthew seemed to have disappeared. Now we live in an apartment. Our apartment is set so that the back patio faces this big grassy field with a playground and it is surrounded by a few bushes but more inportatly, MANY different buildings. Unfortunately the bushes are an important part of this story.

Well when all the groceries were brought in Matthew seemed to reappear. Here is how the conversation went.

Mom: Matt, I told you that you needed to help with the groceries. Where were you?

Matt: (states clearly and without guilt) OK mom, Ill tell you, I was peeing on a bush.

I then went on to tell him that NOBODY wants to see his weenie and that he is not allowed to pee on the bushes anymore. I have no idea how many times he has done this. (sigh) Boys!!!!!!!!!!