Thursday, April 30, 2009
So today I promised myself that I would just succumb to the sleepiness and lay down...so I did...for about twenty minutes. There is just to much to be done and plus with a three year old running around, sleep doesn't come easy and doesn't last long. LOL I don't think Ive taken a good nap since before I became a mommy. But, I still wasn't much for sleep. I feel like I'm missing out on something if I sleep. Silly I know.
So today I am enjoying the warm weather, doing stuff around the house and fighting this fatigue that I feel. I am having my second counseling (adoption counseling) session in about an hour. I am excited about that. Its always nice to have company and I am eager to get this process started.
I continue to talk to Rebekah on a weekly basis. Its always so nice to hear her voice. We get along so well, even though I feel like I talk obsessively and don't let her get a word in edgewise, but she never says anything about it. Sweet girl. I just am so sure that its obvious that I don't talk to adults much. LOL
Baby boy continues to seem active and healthy. I can really tell his head is getting big because it is sitting right on my pubic bone. Ouch!!!! I believe he is about four pounds now and according to my other babies weights, he has about four pounds to go. :)
Things are good right now.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I remember when Victoria was born. I thought I would add her birth story...or what I can remember of it. I don’t remember when I was due. I was always very bad at writing down dates. I was at home with Chelsea. We lived in Michigan in a very small apartment. We had moved to Michigan to get away from family and to hopefully salvage our marriage and gain a new start. A (my husband now X husband) was lying on the water bed with Chelsea (two years old at the time). I was sitting at the computer playing canasta (my favorite card game). I had gone to the bathroom earlier that day and had noticed when I wiped that there were streaks of blood. I was excited because that meant something was happening. I started to have contractions sometime late in the afternoon. I remember sitting at the computer and timing them. They were almost exactly five minutes apart. I looked over at A and told him that I might be in labor and to just be on alert. [I wish I remembered the times now]. Anyway I remember a saying "make sure it’s not a false alarm." Well time came and I told him that we might as well drop Chelsea off and head off to the hospital. I wasnt in too much pain then. The contractions were still regular and gaining in strength. We dropped Chelsea off at a friend’s house and started down the road. The hospital was quite a drive. I can still see the beautiful trees as we drove down. I always loved Michigan. I was so lush and pretty. I loved the way the trees created a canopy over the streets. We got to the hospital. I had never been there. I had just moved to Michigan six weeks earlier. So most everything in the town was new to me. My mother-in-law had sent me the cutest nursing PJ's. I had (days ago) made sure it was washed and in my to go bag for when the time had come. The nurses took me into the temporary rooms and put a monitor on me. I couldn't believe how much more uncomfortable the contractions were while lying down. I hated it. Again my husband A said to me "do you think this is a false alarm?" I told him if it was not labor I would be very much surprised. The contractions were quite strong. I think when I got to the hospital I was dilated to three and by the time an hour passed I had moved to four centimeters. So since I was progressing they went ahead and admitted me. I’ve lost some of my memories of that time. I was in a new city and having a baby with a Doctor I had only known for six weeks. I really did love him though. He was patient and kind and very gentile. That night that I was in labor he was there just for me. He slept for a while until I was ready to push. I think around five or six dilation I had asked for my epidural. My epidural with Chelsea went so smoothly that I didn’t anticipate anything different with this one. So they called the epidural doctor and he came in and administered my epi. It took him awhile. He kept poking and poking. He said I had a very large epidural space and it was hard to get the right spot. I didn’t protest too much. I was in hard labor and just wanted it done...I'm not one to pick a fight...very quiet..Very submissive. The epidural was finally administered and I sat back in relief. A was not much help. He didn’t know what to do and had never attended my labor classes with me so he had no idea what to do. I fell asleep until it was time. The nurse came in and checked me a couple hours later and announced me to be at ten. The doctor came in and the nurses and of course A STUDENT. I always get the students in my room. Not that I mind much but it seems to be a trend. So the staff is prepping me to deliver baby Victoria and this nurse comes over and starts moving my bed down to a flat position. I was not comfortable with this. I told her I didn’t want to push lying flat on my back. She said it was hospital policy to lay flat while pushing. I was mad but again didn’t fight for what I wanted. I start pushing Victoria out and she was out in about ten minutes. She was a healthy baby girl weighing in at 8 pounds eleven ounces. She was very dark skinned. She had hair on her ears and forehead. I really thought I had birthed a monkey.
I tried to get Art to take pictures. There was no family there or friends. He took a few pictures but not nearly enough. He was such a bum. I would say the birth went well overall until a few hours later. My neck started to hurt very badly. I kept telling the nurses that it hurt to even move it from side to side but they just kept giving me Tylenol 3’s and giving me heating pads. This did nothing for me. It got so bad I couldn’t turn my head at all. When A picked me up from the hospital I was barfing all the way home. Something was wrong with me but I couldn’t figure it out. When I got home I couldn’t walk. I had to crawl to the bathroom and pretty much stay in a laying down position or else the pain was just so bad. I finally had to call my mom to fly out and help me. A was getting upset because he had to cook and clean. I mean that was just TOO much for him to handle. I had no family or friends so I had to call my mom. I was crying my eyes out talking to her “MOM can you please come and help me, something’s wrong with me.” She flew right out. She was amazing. She did the laundry and cooking and cleaning. I didn’t have to do anything. Nor could I do anything. We called the doctor several times but all he would say is that he didn’t know what was wrong and I would have to come in. Well I couldn’t move so I couldn’t see going in. My mom and I did some research and figured that I probably had a spinal headache from the epidural. We didn’t discover this until I had been in pain and flat on my back for two weeks. I have a very high tolerance for pain but when I’m in that much pain for two weeks and only have Tylenol 3’s to ease the pain…I got cranky. My mom started shoving water down my thought. She said that the only way I’m going to replace the spinal fluid that is leaking because of the epidural is to drink lots of water. It took about a month but I finally started getting better. Of course Victoria did well and was nursing like a champ.
There is so much more to tell about her but this is so long. I better end now. Overall I don’t feel like it was a horrible birth. It was just very lonely and didn’t seem all that special since I didn’t have anyone that I felt loved me there.
Monday, April 27, 2009
I truly didn't think this child would live. I have had four live births and with all of them I never bled. When I got pregnant with my fifth child and I started to bleed then it immediately resulted in a miscarriage. So then I got pregnant with this baby and I started to bleed and I thought "here we go again, another miscarriage." Its funny because the very first post EVER in this blog was about me going to the hospital because I was bleeding. The hospital wheeled me into the ultrasound room and I was fully prepared to see NOTHING on the screen. The ultrasound tech was very quiet so I felt certain that my thoughts were right, after all I was bleading.....every...day. I looked up at the screen and said "what is that?" She said to me "that's the heartbeat." WHAT!!!! I have never been more wrong.
I am amazed at this child. I believe he is so strong to have been through all he has gone through up till now. Some how he has escaped a miscarriage and continues to grow strong despite my high blood pressure and his (now recovered) kidneys.
Now all this doesn't sound like much and maybe it isn't to everyone else....but to me it is nothing short of amazing.
So tonight, I have sat and watched many hours of TV trying to stay off my feet and have been graced by this amazing child's movements in my belly. He has not stopped moving at all in about three hours. I just felt he was trying to get some attention...so I decided to give him some on my blog. I am certain he has no idea that I am talking about him, but he continues to wiggle and squirm and play in my belly and I just think its so sweet. I predict that the strength he has shown in my belly will continue to follow him throughout his life. Actually, I'm counting on that.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Victoria's birthday party went so well. I was frustrated because it turned out to be a rainy and very cold day and our activities (after swimming) were to be outside. I called my dad really quick and told him to bring his HUGE tent awning, and that totally saved the day. About two hours in the party the clouds parted and the sun came out. SO GLAD!!!!!!!!!!!
This video is of Victoria opening Rebekah and Ben's present. She had such a great day.
Here is a video of the pinata. Appartently I brought a faulty cheap broom stick and we broke it.
Here is her little friend that came with her. She was very sweet. It was so nice to see my Victoria so happy and having a good time.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Its such a lot to think about. I have a lot of guilt because I did bring a baby into the world that I was not prepared to care for. Does that mean that he didn't hold as much value to me as the other children did. Certainly some of the other kids were born into hard circumstances as well, but then I didn't give a thought to adoption. I certainly don't know what to think about this. Its hard to swallow. I guess then I have to go back to the Bible when it talks about quivers being full, and then just really boil it down to me completely having my hands full and it NOT being the fact that baby heart didn't hold as much value to me but that I valued him SO much as to NOT keep him in my care.
I know baby boy isn't born yet, but I feel as though I have already started to prepare a good life for him. He wont be born into sadness or poverty or anger. He will be born to what I hope will be a great party and a BUNCH of people that love him. Of course I claim holding him the most in the hospital but Ill give everyone else a turn. LOL Just kidding. I want everyone to hold him and take in his sweetness before they have to say goodbye. It will be the most precious moment in my life when I hold him for the first time, and the last time (for awhile anyway, not forever). He will then go with the best parents I could have ever picked for him, and live his life and grow big and strong. I cant wait to see it.
So, now we wait. All the contracts are signed and moneys discussed and sent. Baby boy is growing strong and probably has no idea that we are waiting for him. He is happy and content in his silent watery world. Grow baby grow. We cant wait to meet you.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
My doctors appointment went well yesterday. Baby boy is doing wonderfully and was even sticking out his tongue during the bio physicals. The fluid looks good and my growth and even my blood pressure. BUT...they still want me coming in twice a week starting in two weeks. (sigh) I have told them that I have my mom to watch Skyler once a week but twice a week will blow that out of the water and I will have to bring him with me. Oh joy, what fun. Don't get me wrong, I love my son and I love taking him with me, but if I'm sitting there with my britches half way down getting an ultrasound, he is sure to play with any and all speculum's that he can find and also whatever else shiny he can find to play with including nasty trash cans. They have assured me that they will help. We will see.
Victoria's birthday party is this Saturday. My family is helping out with the cost of things which is a great help as I don't have extra money. So today I will go price a pinata and see what else I can pick up for our fun Birthday party.
So things are going well. Skyler is talking more and more, my belly gets bigger and bigger, Matthew is still a bundle of energy, Victoria is still sweet and sneaky as usual, and Chelsea....oh my Chelsea is continuing to push forward into her teen years and seek out her freedom. Its a busy place around our home.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Ive been feeling a lot of energy. I am able to do a lot around the house. But even though I have lots of energy, my body just wont let me do all that I want to do. Getting in and out of my car is painful because it is so low to the ground so for some reason its just hard to get in and out and hurts my hips. Turning over in bed from one side to the other makes me wince. When I walk, get up or pretty much do anything else I can feel my hips shifting and its very painful and uncomfortable.
Beyond the pain, I am feeling a little nauseous again. Its not nearly as bad as the first trimester but I have the same symptoms as the first trimester just in a more mild form. It helps if I don't eat sugary foods. I do much much better with fruits and veggies and salads. Those foods don't keep me full very long but at least they don't make me sick. Speaking of staying full, I am hungry all the time. Its very frustrating because I'm back to square one where I have to eat every two hours or I start gagging and get very sick. I try to chug a big cup of water to see if that will substitute eating but it doesn't help. I am (again) gaining to much weight. I have to NOT be sick though to take care of my kids.
Baby seems to be doing fine. I am amazed how strong he is. Sometimes I feel I am doing to much or lifting my son to much but, amazingly baby seems to be strong and so far there are no problems with him. Its just me. LOL
Overall, this pregnancy is the same as any other one I have had except its harder because I have four other kids to care for.
The goal: To get through the next few months and have a beautiful healthy baby to hug snuggle and then pass on to Rebekah and Ben. I think about it every day and look forward to seeing them again more and more. Cant wait for June. :)
Thursday, April 16, 2009
But it means more to me then that. It means saying good bye to baby days. I love that I have all these pictures of my sweet baby boy and all the precious little ones I have babysat over the last few years in it. Its weird that a high chair can hold so much meaning. My mother in law bought it for me when I was pregnant with Skyler. It was such a sweet gift.
Now it will go to one of the little people that I once babysat. He doesn't have a high chair and since I am not babysitting any more, I felt it was fitting that it go to him.
Bye high chair and bye baby days. I will miss you both.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
My sister made home made candy eggs for us all and put them in these cute little Easter buckets. So cute!!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
It was an amazing weekend. Thank you Ben and Rebekah for such a wonderful time.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
He is now 3 whole pounds. Can you believe that? I sure can. Especially when I roll over in bed and feel like my organs are going to come out my throat. LOL I can not lay on my back anymore because its just to heavy.
The only down for me is that I will be going to the doctor for these bio physicals every week now. Oh, and my blood pressure was a little high even though I am taking medication so they upped the meds and hopefully that will make the blood pressure go down. It wasn't to high at 143/94 but that is on medication so that's not good.
The videos below are of the test they did on his heart and movements. Little guy sure gave them a run for there money. You can hear some really loud noises and the heartbeat goes away sometimes because he is just moving so much. And yes Rebekah, I bet he will be just like Skyler with all his activeness. Arnt we blessed to have active and vivacious children. LOL
This is my favorite because you can see his profile. Look how cute he is. The second one is of course his boy parts and the third is the most difficult to see but it is like looking straight on at his face.
Thank you everyone for your loving support and strength you give me. I appreciate your comments. It makes me feel NOT so alone. :)
I had a very tough night last night with Chelsea. She completely freaked out after I took her MP3 player away for being really disrespectful and mean to everyone in the family. Some really hateful and mean things came out of her mouth. It was very hard to hear and confusing to know what to do. BUT, I did pray for wisdom and was able to talk to my best friend Carrie (the kids Auntie) and through the evening things seemed to iron themselves out. I did again discover that Chelsea is extremely bitter at her father and I. She blames us for her having a terrible life (she really doesn't have a bad life) and she said she hated us. Hard words to hear. :(
I just kept remembering that she is a hormonal teenager and tried not to let it get me down. Eventually because I stayed calm and stuck to my guns she was able to come out of her fit. So scary. It makes me sad that my kids are growing up pretty much with out there dad. I wish it were different for them and I pray that somehow God can fill in the empty gaps.
Like I said before I used to pray that God would hold off on the rapture so I could be a mom...LOL....well..... now I pray "Come Lord Jesus." Like its my call anyway....LOL SO funny.
Ill update more tonight with pictures of baby.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Lately I feel like I am just on the kids ALL the time. I wish there were more fun happy and non frustrating times. I feel so overwhelmed most of the time. If one kid is doing really well, the other kid is just arguing and telling me no, and saying that there life is ruined. Sometimes I could just scream.
But then there are nights like tonight when I realize that I have no right to complain or be sad about my situation. My children have there health. I read every day these amazing women's blogs that have sick babies and my heart just goes out to them.
I realize that my small battles are nothing compared to other peoples wars. I will get through these hard years, and then I will be able to sit back and breath, and pray that the Lord blesses me with lots of grandchildren that I can spoil and then send home.
When I was a little girl my biggest dreams were to be a mom. I didn't dream of becoming a doctor or an astronaut, I just wanted to be a mom. So, I used to pray to God and I would say "Father God, please, if you could just hold off on the rapture until I can be a mom? I don't want much God, I just want to be a mom." I would have dreams on many many nights that I would be pregnant and give birth to a baby, but it wasn't a baby, it was a doll.....a plastic doll. I feared that I would never have children.
Look at me now. I certainly didn't go the way I planed it to but what ever does? I have six wonderful children. Four are here alive and well with me, one is in my belly and the other is waiting for me in heaven. Even though I am not keeping my sixth baby, it does not change that I am so blessed to be his mom, one of them anyway. :)
I am not always the best mom. I always feel I can do better. But for now, I will live for today and look forward to tomorrow. The best moments are watching my kids sleep. They are so peaceful and sweet looking (you moms know what I am talking about), the house is quiet and I can quietly reflect on the day and prepare for the next.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Also, this weekend is when B and Rebekah come to visit me and the kids. We are very excited to see them and spend time with them. Its a very short visit and we will only get one full day with them, but we will take what we can get.
I also have my first counseling appointment this coming Friday with an adoption counselor. She is coming to my home to meet me which is the best because of my three year old, and because I have nobody to watch him on Friday.
We are still getting snow. It snowed all night and almost all day yesterday. The good news is that it should be in the 60's next weekend when R and B come to visit. We are hoping to get to a park or something outside for the kids. So some nice weather would be great.
I'm not going to church today, we are just to tired. I will catch the service on pod cast (which anyone can, just go to new life's web site in Colorado springs).
Friday, April 3, 2009
These two were taken this morning before she left for school. See the HUGE hoop earrings. Such a big girl now. The one above this is with her three year old brother Skyler. I cant believe they are ten years apart. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHELSEA!! MOMMA LOVES YOU!!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Things have been very busy around here. A day or so ago I had no Internet for the whole day due to an outage. It came back on the next day and all was well.
We had our first Thorn (Easter Play) performance last night. It was really a soft dress rehearsal, but they always open the first one up to friends and family. While we were all having a good time at the play, a snow storm swept in. The bad part was that it was warm so the first part of the snow just melted caused a sheet of ice under the fresh fallen snow. It was so scary driving home. My sweet mother followed us to make sure we were safe, and then she picked me up at my car in my apartment complex and drove me to the grass so that I wouldn't slip on the street. My mom is so sweet.
So this morning I get a call at six thirty in the morning from Victoria's teacher. She was letting me know that the field trip was still on but the kids needed to be there at six forty five. WHAT!!!!!! I had to drive her to school? The teacher said it was previously discussed. Where have I been? Its an all day field trip and they would be gone till five o'clock this evening. So anyway, I was running around the house trying to at least throw a bra on and wake Victoria up. Here the two of us go, flying out the door, me in my PJ's and her with her unbrushed hair and no breakfast. I am crying my eyes out because I am sure that we wont make it and I'm so afraid of her being disappointed. I'm dealing with the ice shuffling to the car and going crazy trying to find something to get the ice off my windshield. I even tried driving with my head out the window but decided that wasn't safe. Eventually I got us down the road and to the school where we saw......no bus and no kids. I was bawling. Victoria runs in the school and checks anyway. With the good Lords grace, we discovered that the kids were in the classroom getting ready to go and the buses were parked in the back. WE MADE IT!!!! The day was saved. (sigh) Now I need a nap. LOL
Having kids is such a challenge. All the little things keep me so busy. One of them being food. Snacks and meals and all of the preparing and cleaning and keeping everyone content. Its exhausting. I am thankful though to have an older child now who can actually babysit when I need to do things (like this morning) and run out. I can feel safe knowing that the other kids are ok with sissy watching over them for a short time. For so long I have just taken all four of them with me at all times. So this is different.
Speaking of different, today marks the last day we will be teenager less. Tomorrow, Chelsea turns 13. I will be writing her birth story and maybe posting some very early pictures of my curly hair beauty. What a gift she is. (OK Becky, don't cry)
Lastly, I treated myself to a couple dollar movie rentals. I highly recommend them. One is "Marley and me, and Seven Pounds." They are both criers which I love.