Saturday, May 30, 2009

SUCH GOOD NEWS!!!

I just have to write about this. I have not been able to get ahold of Rebekah and Ben but I will soon because I left them a message.

I just got a call from the agency. Apparently the birth father (Ron) has been located and served and has CALLED the attorney. She said he was very nice and very cooperative. I am still processing this information because this has been haunting me for a LONG time. She said that he wants to talk to me and make sure that this is something I truly want to do. He said that he knows I have a lot of kids and that it would probably be to much for him. He would like to talk to the adoptive parents and maybe get pictures and updates of some sort? I don't know how that is all going to work but that part of it all I will leave to the agency to work out. I will not be a part of that.

I don't have the birth fathers phone number. I long ago discarded it because my daughter kept calling him and I just wanted it out of the house. I am waiting for the agency to leave me a text with the phone number to Ron and I will call him per his request. I am really excited about this and I am looking forward to telling him "YES, THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO."

Ill keep you posted.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Your killen me kid!!!

Those were the exact words of the cardiologist today when my son (the three year old) was taking paper clips and hiding them under the bed in his office. I got the feeling that he didn't have kids so I asked him if he did. His response was "I do but they usually just chill like your other son." LOL It was so hard for me to sit and listen to him while at the same time watch my little guy. He kept telling Skyler to sit down. So Skyler would sit down, give the doctor a high five....and then get back up again. He particularly liked playing with the model of the plastic plaque filled heart vesicle sitting on the desk. At least this doctor didn't have any fake vagina's sitting around. I figure a heart vesicle was better then a vagina. (grin)

Anyway, I did make it through the appointment with my three youngest kids despite having to UNDRESS my top and go through another EKG, in which the lady had to do a few times because of all the kids in the room. HOOOO HUMMM!!! Such is life.

The GOOD news is that I suffer (in short) from a very fast heartbeat in my upper heart. There is nothing that can be done except to stay hydrated and take my blood pressure medication. My condition is not one that is hurting the baby or myself and in the future I might need to undergo an ablation. I am not sure I spelled that right and if you don't know what that is you can look it up because I am not all together sure myself. So for the time being, it should not affect the baby or myself and we will basically deal with it in six to eight weeks after baby is born.

My moms surgery went well. We went to see her again today. They had her up and sitting on the side of the bed and that went well. I am amazed at what these doctors can do. Before the surgery I was able to meet moms doctor and shake his hand and I thought "these hands will be in my mom soon." And I was amazed at the handy work they do on peoples bodies. Its shocking. (in a good way) Please still pray for a good recovery for my mom.

My next OB appointment will be Friday.

The kids leave Sunday, HOLY COW, which is just a few days away.

Today we went to check the mail and we had a package from Rebekah and Ben. Victoria and Matthew were squealing with glee. We ran home to get open it and found a present for Skyler which was a four or five pack of cars. At this moment it is the best gift a mom can get because he will be occupied with it for a few hours. THANK YOU SO MUCH R AND B. For the other kids came a big summer beach bag full of all kinds of goodies for the kids on the airplane this Sunday. How thoughtful can two people be? I am so thankful. It had games and fun rubber balls and bracelets and candy and chips...pretty much everything a kid would want for a trip. HOW EXCITING!!! Thank you so much.

So, I am going to be brave today and post a picture of (half) of my bare belly. You will see my stretch marks, which are my badges of honor for having all these kids. It is not glamorous or pretty, but I do have a bit of pride for this little one inside and I wanted to show him off while I have him. Soon we will be waiting for pictures of him from his momma and daddy, so for now its my turn.
video

Monday, May 25, 2009

Rain drops keep falling on my head.....

Its a BEAUTIFUL rainy day today. I love rainy days. It makes me happy. I'm sitting here at the computer with my window open listening to the rain and smelling its fresh scent. My kids are completely content in our little three bedroom apartment, doing there own things and its just been a wonderful day.

We have no plans of anyone joining us for a Memorial day BBQ, I am just completely satisfied spending the day with my four Big/little kids.

We got fixing's for a yummy fruit salad, topped with cool whip, sub sandwiches and iced tea. Its a good day.

On the pregnancy front, I am not doing so good. My spirits are very very high and I am happy as a lark, but my body is doing poorly. LOL All of this of course is normal pregnancy related stuff but it sure is uncomfortable.

I was trying to get some video of my belly while baby boy was moving...but my little Skyler kept coming over and rubbing my belly saying "baby in there?" So sweet. Ill keep working on those videos and see if I cant get a good one.

Tomorrow my mom goes into MAJOR back surgery. My sister is coming over and watching the three kids that WONT be in school while I go to the hospital. We will take turns being with my mom. Please pray that my moms surgery is successful and it will get her out of this pain she has been living with for almost a year. She already struggles with Multiple Sclerosis so the added back problems are just terrible for her. I will be at the hospital most of the day but I will have my moms blackberry, which has Internet access. BONUS!!!!!!

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Memorial day. I know I am. (wink)

Friday, May 22, 2009

Not the most elegant post!!

This post is not going to be funny or witty or anything. I just thought I would sit and document how I was feeling. I am not depressed or sad, but my body feels that way. UGGGG!! I want to make sure just to document all that I can for the pregnancy so I will remember.

I have SOOO much to do. Tomorrow is my moms birthday and we are celebrating tonight. I have so much on my mind that I want to get accomplished but I just cant manage to do it. I did however get the kitchen really really clean, to the point where I couldn't stop looking at it. Do you ever do that? It was so clean that I just wanted to stare at it. LOL Weird hugh? I also went to drop off my "sample" from my 24 hour test that I had to do to test how much protein is in my AHEM urine. Nasty hugh? After that I did manage to go to Walmart. It was not like I had to get a lot of stuff, but I do not walk fast anymore, in fact its kinda like watching an elephant walk, very slow, very big. UGGGG!!!! So, I slowly walked through Wally world and got what I needed, got home and waited for the kids to bring in the five gallons of milk and everything else.

I did find one BIG treasure at Walmart. I needed some new socks for the hospital in the worst way. So today I decided I was going to splurge and get some socks. I found two five packs of the socks I like (more like footie's) for $2.50 a piece. That's TEN pairs of socks. I feel very rich now that I have so many new socks. SOCKS are MY thing. I LOVE them but they have to be the ankle type or footie's I guess you call them.

So I am feeling just really tired today. I DON'T want to sleep but I feel really drugged and I'm not on drugs. I wanted to get a Mountain Dew for a pick me up but I cant have caffeine with my heart problems. So I am just drinking water and milk. My tail bone is starting to hurt as well so that tells me that baby is getting bigger and may be sitting in a different spot now. It all points to the impending birth. I cant wait.

I am in good spirits. I have nothing to be sad about except that my body is just really hurting. That for me is really hard to deal with especially when I have FOUR kids to care for.

Well I am off to make home made Beef Stroganoff for my moms birthday dinner tonight. I bought the meat already cut so that would cut down some time for myself and my sister made (from scratch) carrot cake for desert. We bought her a really nice Terry cloth robe (a long one) from Bed Bath and Beyond. She will love it, especially since she will be having MAJOR open back surgery this Tuesday. More on that later. I just wanted to post an update.

Hope you all are doing well. Oh and here are some pictures of little Sky jumping on his trampoline this morning. I also threw in one that I took of our dog Maggie this morning. She is so cute. Sorry my pictures are not that great of quality. Some day I will have a camera that does all the fun tricks.






Wednesday, May 20, 2009

35 weeks!!

Wow time is ticking down now really fast.

I did have a good day. I went to the doctors (ill cover that in a minute) and then I went to Panera bread with my counselor from the agency. It was wonderful to sit and talk to an adult without my kids around. She had her sweet little girl there but I was not responsible for her so it was no problem for me. I had a delicious bowl of cheese and broccoli soup with some unsweetened iced tea. So yummy.

My doctors appointment went OK. There are a few concerns. My EKG that I had done in the hospital the other day (did I blog about that?) came back a bit abnormal. At first they thought that my heart problems were due to anxiety but after further testing it might be a cardiac problem. This does not concern me TO much because it does run in my family and is easily managed; however, I am pregnant (ha ha obviously) and so the baby is the main concern. So the heart thing will be looked at by a cardiologist (as soon as I make an appointment.) :)

The other concern is that I am now spilling protein in my urine (1+ percentage). From what I understand, my 1+ is not enough to be diagnosed as preeclampsic but it is enough to be put through more testing. SOOOO, the rest of the week will involve me going to the lab to get some tests done. Ill let you all know about that. Boring I know.

Baby boy is doing fine. He likes to fall asleep right when I get into the doctors office (he is kicking like crazy in the waiting room) which is not a great thing because he has all these tests he has to pass and when he isn't up and moving around, they beat on my stomach with metal kitchen spoons. Yep, you heard that right people, kitchen spoons. It is meant to see how his heart rate responds to stimulation. So much fun right? LOL

So, all in all it was a good day, but it does show me that time is short, and this is the time in my pregnancy that things start going south. My body does really good until the end, and then it starts pooping out on me. :(

Ill have to talk Rebekah in to glamming up another belly photo so that I can post it here. I just don't look good until she does her special things to it. So what do you think Rebekah? Can you glam up that last one for me?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Have you ever..........?

Have you ever just had one of those days? I'm talking about one of those days that seems to start out perfectly but ends up being crazy and chaotic?

I'm so done today. Everything seems to overwhelm me. I cant think straight, I seem to be just wondering around the apartment looking at everything that needs to be done, and then sitting down again, with nothing getting accomplished.

First thing this morning I put my bra on and it breaks. I blame in on my pregnancy boobs. Its unfortunate because now I am waring a bra that doesn't really fit. Have you ever seen those people that have bras on that don't fit and they have boob spilling over the top of the bra...essentially making four boobs instead of one? Well that would be me today. Embarrassing....OH YEAH!!!

To top off my day I took Chelsea to the dentist because she has been having tooth pain. While I am waiting in the waiting room watching my three year old topple over a one year old, I run over to stop him and then I smell him. No, not the one year old...yes the three year old. So I told the receptionist that I was going to my car to get a diaper and I would be back for the 13 year old in a minute. Yes Yes, I know he should be potty trained but I can seem to get my big pregnant self modivated to do it.

When I get down the elevator to get the diaper I see that my car is lopsided and the rear back tire is COMPLETELY flat. In that moment I told myself that I was NOT going to stress out. Stress has a funny way of creeping up on you though. You can tell yourself to stay calm as much as you can but really, there is nothing you can do about it. I just kept thinking about how hard it was going to be to change a tire at nearly nine months pregnant, and my daddy taught me to change a tire so I know how, but I did decide that I SHOULDN'T change a tire in my condition. Fortunately I did find a sweet friend that was able to come and put the spare on for me just in time for Chelsea to get out of the dentist.

I did get the tire repaired, which in itself was an adventure. Have you ever spent over an hour in a tire repare shop waiting room with a three year old and a thirteen year old? Do you know what is in there? YEP!! A bunch of tires and chairs. I have the thirteen year old mad at me because she wanted to go to school, the three year old sending tires down the waiting room (I'm not kidding) and a man who I think was showing a little to much interest in me and the kids. It was weird. I was glad when he left.

I did eventually get home. And you think that the day would have calmed down, but it didn't. My son (the nine year old) decided it would be fun to move my direct TV satellite dish. I mean come on, WHAT HARM COULD IT DO? (sigh) Yes that's right. On the night that American Idol, and dancing with the stars are premiering for there last performances, I have no television. NONE AT ALL. And I wont until Thursday. I'm not really that upset about it. Those shows are exciting but I use the TV more for comfort then to watch it. It makes me feel like there are adults around and I don't feel so crazy sometimes. Weird I know.

As of now, I do have all four children and one dog in bed. I did manage to get through this day although it was very hard. I am almost certain that these heart problems I am having are due to anxiety. I am having a hard time keeping my heart at a regular beat tonight. The carpets need shampooed, the kitchen floor needs moped, clothes need folded, and the list goes on....but Im going to have to let it go and sit down and rest. Ill tell the doctor about all of this hear stuff tomorrow. I have not heard anything about my 48 hour home heart monitor test.

SURPRISE:

Have I heard anything about my surprise? Nope. The only information I could gleam out of my daughter was that I probably wouldn't know about the surprise for a couple months. Does that mean around the time the baby is born? I have no idea. I don't want to pressure her because someone has asked her to keep trust and I don't want her to break that. Although I know the five dollars I offered her was tempting. LOL

Well I guess that is it for tonight. I will go and find a DVD to watch. The pickings are slim around here as far as our movie collection goes. Oh well. Maybe Ill just blog surf. Good night everyone!!!

Monday, May 18, 2009

I know something you dont know.....

So this is what my thirteen year old said to me before she left for school this morning. "Mom, I just want you to know that I know something thats going to happen to you that you dont know." This does not float well with me because I just dont think anyone should be allowed to have secrets in my presents. I tried to bribe her with five dollars (that I dont have) but she would not waver. She said she absolutely could not tell me what it was but I did get out of her that she received this information through an email this morning. HUMMMMMMMM!!! Now I have no idea. LOL I dont usually get surprises, and I dont have a birthday, and really no reason to celebrate anything. She is such a little stinker, but I am proud of her for keeping someones trust so well.

If I find out Ill let you all know.

For now, I am headed to the hospital to drop off my heart monitor machine and then go look at a new mattress. My mom and Grandma are going to buy me a new mattress because I have in so much pain. YIPPEE!!!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Adoption updates!

Well, what an exciting week right? LOL I am still strapped to my heart monitor. I am pleased to say that my heart has been behaving itself,to some extent. I have had a few episodes and am hoping the monitor has cought them. My doctor called and said that she things I am having anxiety attacks. I don't know what those are or what they feel like but I don't feel comfortable taking more medications and that is what they are going to suggest. We will see.

I learned today that the attorney has all the paperwork filled out for the birth father to terminate his rights. He should be served within the next few days. When I heard that SOOOO many thoughts swirled around in my head. Will he throw them away? Will he sign them? Will he call me? OH NO!!! What if he calls me? What do I say? I cant be mean to him because I want him to sign. After he signs THEN I can yell at him and give him a piece of my mind. I do think that the best thing for him is to leave it in the Lords hands. I believe God handles those things best anyway, but boy I could give him a piece of my mind. UGGGGGGG!!!

So I don't know what is going to happen. So many questions, and I have to wait and find out.

I am trying to just go about my day and take care of myself. Today my greatest problem is the pressure and pain I feel in my pelvis. I seriously could not walk for a couple hours. It was horrible. I am feeling better now after sitting for awhile. I am sure its his sweet head resting on my pelvic bones down there. LOL How can I blame him? Everyone needs a place to rest there head right?

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Crazy surreal moment today!!!

If you have not yet read my blog post I just made about five minutes ago, then scroll down to find out how my doctors appointment went today.

I had to post this on a separate blog. Today when I went to the hospital I walked in and was blown away. THIS was the same waiting room that I came to 26 weeks ago when I was about six weeks pregnant. I KNEW that the baby's sperm doner had left me but I had not yet decided on adoption. All I knew on that day in that moment is that I was bleeding again. I had feelings of happiness because I thought possibly that this nightmare would be over, but then moments of sadness because I never want to loose children and this would have been my second.

So today I sat in the same chair in the waiting room, went into the same triage room to have my vitals taken and I believe it was the same room that I lay in all those weeks ago, bleeding, confused and not sure of what was going to happen.

Of course, this baby didn't die. HE LIVED!!! I'm so glad he lived. I'm so glad and feel so blessed to be carrying him, and I am SO excited to make Ben and Rebekah parents....ALTHOUGH....I don't like taking credit for it because (this will be a run on sentence) I didn't do it at all. At any moment this baby could have died, but GOD chose to let him live, not by anything I did or didn't do, but I believe because he wanted to answer two peoples prayers to become parents. How amazing is that. So today was a weird day, but a WONDERFUL day (despite the reason I was there) because it really brought things into perspective for me.

And THAT is why I put it all into two posts. LOL

CRAZY Doctors appointment!!!! And a funny!!


First for the funny. Skyler (the three year old) just pointed at an ant crawling on the floor and said "Look mom, spider man." To funny. He is still learning his bugs.

Second: my crazy doctors appointment turned emergency room.

I was so proud of myself for actually making it to my SECOND appointment for the week. As I have mentioned, I am ordered to go to the doctor twice a week from here on out. I complained and grumbled about it but there is no way around it. (wink)
So today was the second one, but the two previous days had been very weird to say the least. My heart has been going bazerk. It feels like a fish out of water in my chest. I have always had these heart flutters but not for two days straight....so I knew I had to tell the doctor about them today.

I knew I had to tell the doctor, and I knew that it would probably worry a lot of people, including myself. After all, being sent to the emergency room is not all together convenient for me because I have FOUR kids to worry about. I was blessed to have Amy (my case worker from the agency) watch Skyler (sweet girl) and my mom was able to make it to my house as the other kids came home from school.

OK, back to the story. So I go into the hospital and they put me in a room for four hours....to find out NOTHING. LOL My EKG came back normal as well as all the blood panels they did. I told them that I really was telling the truth and that my heart GENERALLY does freak out on me. They, of course, believed me but had nothing to prove my story from. So, in order to catch some of these weird heart palpitations on paper, I am strapped to an at home heart monitor for 48 hours. Now, its not a big machine, but I do have a lot of wires taped all over my chest and belly.

I am not at all upset that I have all these silly wires hanging off me because I want to get to the bottom of this. I now believe that because I was at the hospital laying on a bed, watching TV for four hours, was the reason I didn't have any freaky heart things, because now that I am home, my heart is starting it all over again. SIGH!!!!! But, its all being recorded. On Monday I will take this monitor to the hospital and they will download it and send it over to the cardiologist. (breath)

I am going to continue everything normally like I normally would because I want them to see everything.

Please, pray for baby boy. He did WONDERFUL on his biophysicalls. My amniotic fluid is high again, and baby was moving around like a gymnast....so he is doing great, but please pray that my heart thing is not affecting him. He is my heart right now, he means so much to me and I want him to be safe and healthy and I want him to enter the world normally, not out of an emergency situation.

Rebekah was so sweet today. I wasn't going to tell her this was going on until I knew what was going on but I ended up telling her because I knew she would want to pray for me. She sent a blog message out to her blog followers to pray. So sweet, and so needed. How did I find such a precious friend? Only God.

Here is a picture of baby boy today. He looks a little chubbier every day in all his five pound glory. Actually, I'm going to leave the picture at the top of my blog post. Now, when you look at the picture, he is looking right back at you, like he is laying on his side.

Sorry this is so long, just a lot to share.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Getting harder!!

I took Victoria to counseling today and started talking to a lady in the waiting room. She and I were sharing our kid stories and I was telling her about the adoption and she said "I have a special place in my heart for birth moms, because adoption completed my family." She has a seven year old that she adopted at birth. Its so nice to hear these wonderful stories. I love it.

Its becoming increasingly hard to get through each day. I continue to fight the fatigue that I feel. I have lots of energy just waiting to get out but I find myself dragging, almost like I am on drugs. Its very frustrating. So...I make myself rest when I feel that it is unavoidable and necessary.

Im really sad that the kids will be leaving in two weeks, but at the same time I am really looking forward to it. Its getting REALLY hard to meet every ones needs when my body is just really hurting and not working like it normally would. I am so glad that the hardest weeks of the pregnancy will be three less kids. Skyler will be here but I think I can handle just one. One is cake. LOL

Things are going well with the baby. He continues to grow and has grown out of any kidney problems he had in the start. Now I struggle with making his environment good. Last week I had very very low fluid. I got a doctors note for jury duty and basically put myself on semi-bed rest in an effort to get my fluid back up. It worked and now my fluid is back up to a safe level. My concern now is that my heart is doing these flip floppy things in my chest. I have always had these flippy feelings in my heart but the last two days it has been A LOT. I will mention this to the doctor. It just feels like a fish flipping back and forth in my chest. Really weird. I do not have chest pain or arm pain or anything like that. I have no idea what it is.

Other then that I am just trying to get through each day. My belly is really round now. I send Rebekah belly pictures but I just don't feel like they really show her the true roundness of my belly. I took a bath today and when I laid down in the tub I looked down and it was this huge basketball right under my boobs. LOL I was SHOCKED at how big my belly was. I love it. Its the one time that I can sorta hide (sort of I said) how FAT I am. LOL I am looking forward to loosing weight after he is born.

I hope everyone had a good weekend.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mothers day!!

I am truly the luckiest mom around. My mothers day was truly filled with lots of gifts. I thought I would share them with you.

I woke up in the morning with a clean house (thank you Victoria) and this wonderful I love you note on my door.



I also received this wonderful half used (stinky LOL) bottle of Charlie. How sweet :)


I was also blessed to receive these two Christmas cards from Victoria and Matthew with "Happy Mothers day!" inscribed inside. How inventive!!


Then...one of my favorites...was this wonderful nativity set. Come Christmas, Im all set. (grin)


My kids grandma had these beautiful flowers shipped to me. They are wonderful.


And this wonderful card that Victoria made for me at school. Each flower can be pulled out of the vase and has a saying on it. I LOVE it.
video

Now I am quite sure that I received the MOST gifts any mother has received. They might not have been store bought gifts but they meant just as much to me. Thank you kids. I love you so much!!!

Lastly, here is a picture that my moms neighbor took and gave me for an aditional present yesterday.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

33 weeks!!!!!

Well, its so great to be in the last trimester. But, of course, once you get to the end, time starts to go by very slow. The last month for me will go by REALLY REALLY slow because my older three kids will be gone to Arizona with there dad.

In the beginning of all this I was going to let them decide if they wanted to stay and meet the baby and so on. But the more I got to thinking about it, I decided that I will have my own emotions and feelings to worry about without nursing three other peoples emotions. I figure that by the time they get back from there daddy's then I will be much more recovered emotionally and physically and I can then tend to there needs. It may sound selfish to some people but it is the best choice for me. So the kids will be gone for the entire summer and will return a week or so before school begins.

Today I had a lot of ligament pain. It was horrible, and brought me to tears. I think my stomach grew in those moments sitting on the couch gripping the side trying to get a handle on the pain. All I did was go grocery shopping, which does include walking round and round Wally world but still, I was a hurtin. I did have the kids put the groceries in the car, take the groceries in the house, and put the groceries away...all while I did nothing. I couldn't help it, I was trying to hold it together sitting on the couch. Not good. Thank you kiddos for helping mommy.

Well I am going to try and get one more cup of water down and go lay in bed. I am hoping to get as much rest and water down before Tuesday when I can HOPEFULLY get some good news on this amniotic fluid.

Oh, and a sweet blog reader asked that I change my blog design because It was hard to read. I do aim to please, and also didn't realize that it really was hard to read. Sorry you all.

I also changed the picture at the top. Guess who it is? ITS ME!!! I am getting ready for my senior homecoming. Dang, I wish I looked like that now. LOL Maybe in the future. LOL

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Lots of thinking!!

I went to the doctors again today. I was excited because I got to get an ultrasound on the REAL ultrasound machine and was excited to get some good pictures for Rebekah and Ben and to see the baby. Everything seemed to be going well until she kept checking and rechecking the amniotic fluid....it was to low. I started getting freaked out. What did I do wrong? Am I not taking care of myself well enough?

They checked my cervix and I am not dilated and my waters have not broke. Baby looks good and everything checks out except that. I went on the Internet and it said that amniotic fluid is primarily made of the baby's urine and the more I drink the more the baby will pee, thus making more fluid. So, you can only guess what I have been doing tonight. Drink Drink Drink. When I look back at the morning I probably was dehydrated. I go to the bathroom several times a night and did not drink anything last night. When I woke up I had one cup of water and a cup of milk until my appointment at eleven. I probably caused this but of course not on purpose. I do need to take better care of myself and baby.

I just feel like I am running all the time. I am not even working and still, life keeps me so busy. Having four active kids keeps me running around town and If I am not running around time I am using my spare time to take care of a three year old and clean the house. (sigh) Its a LOT of work. But......although all those things matter to me, what matters most right now is taking care of this precious baby inside of me.

Speaking of baby. I feel that my relationship with him has changed. I'm sure your asking what kind of a relationship I could possibly have with someone I have never met. Well, in all honesty, I have been through many different feelings during this pregnancy. First I went through denial. I mean come one, I cant POSSIBLY be pregnant. But of course I was. The denial stage lasted for several months actually. When I finally accepted the fact that I was pregnant I was angry. I didn't WANT the baby. I was angry at everything and at the baby's sperm Donner and at myself. I HATED the situation I got myself in. I was just plain mad. I must admit that sometimes that stage still comes back to get me. I still feel angry.

Now, although I still have feelings of shame and embarrassment and most certainly I have times of just NOT wanting to be pregnant......now I can say that I am learning to accept it. I know I only have about six weeks left but it has taken me this long to realize that its all very real. I actually kinda like the little guy in my belly now. Although nothing has changed in my heart as far as keeping him, I think now I might be able to enjoy him. The feelings I have gone through are so hard to explain. There really are no words most times.

I enjoy getting to know Rebekah more. I day dream all the time about the moment I will hand the baby over to her. It truly will be the most intimate time in my life. For me to give someone one of my children is so intimate, so personal, yet so necessary. I'm ready, I know she is ready as well as Ben. We are just all so ready.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

What an evening!!

I worked all day to get all my AVON books ready. I wanted to have them done and ready and in there individual bags so that when the kids came home we could just jump in the car and then disperse the books and then head home. (sigh) This evening did not turn out the way I had hoped. Let me elaborate if I may. LOL

The children did come home as planned. I filled every ones water bottle with some freshly made iced tea. By the way its always a money saver to plan ahead. I cant tell you how many times me and the kids go out and someone is thirsty and we stop at a fast food place and WASTE money on drinks. I have learned to bring drinks and snacks. Anyway, on with the story. We hopped in the car and drove to a strange but nice looking neighborhood and I had the kids passing out books. I would follow them down the street so nobody would steal them....and things seemed to be going great. I had put the extra AVON books in the trunk, but the catch here is that my trunk popper button does not work. You have to use the keys to open the trunk. (BIG sigh)

So I hand the keys over to my beautiful daughter Victoria. I'm sitting there thinking that everything is lovely, the kids are passing out the books, I'm praying that the Lord will bless the books and give me lots of orders when beautiful Victoria comes around the car and said "I'm so stupid mom, I locked the keys in the trunk," as she plops herself on the sidewalk.

Now, it took about two minutes of me staring at her to really process what that meant for us. When it ACTUALLY sank in to what she had done, I started bawling my eyes out. So, picture it.....four kids, big pregnant women, parked ALMOST in the middle of the street, a three year old saying over and over "I drive, I drive," and to top it off...this pregnant momma had to pee. Lord help us.

So yes, I am bawling my eyes out, mostly because I was stranded, but secondly because I really had to pee and from the back I hear "I have to pee to." Oh my. I just knew that calling a lock smith would cost me SOOOOO much money, and I just don't have it. So, I called my dad.

To make a long story short, I called my dad to come rescue me (hopefully). While I was waiting on my dad, I waddled my pregnant self over to a complete strangers house and begged to use the toilet, while crying my eyes out. Sometimes I am quite a sight. LOL

My dad did show up fairly quickly and did save the day. He figured out how to rig the button that SHOULD pop the trunk open. My dad is my hero. I was so giddy I couldn't stand it.

The moral of the story is that I need to get some keys made. I never have because my car key has a chip in it and it is very expensive to get a copy of, but my dad said I could get a valet key made. I will try this tomorrow, and I will NOT give the keys to my children again. :)

Monday, May 4, 2009

Not Me Monday!!!!!




So I wanted to try this not me Monday. It was created by MckMama.

Last Thursday I did NOT miss my jury duty. I would never do something like that. I mean, after all, on the Jury summons it said that if you don't appear that you could most certainly be arrested and imprisoned for six months or fined up to seven hundred dollars. So no, if you ask me again, I will tell you, I did not miss it. NOR, did I call the Jury Commissioner, first thing this morning upon realizing I had not missed it, and asked him (Dennis is his name) if I was under arrest. What? Why would I do something like that? I was also NOT changing a dirty diaper while talking to Dennis, the Jury Commissioner, on the phone trying to talk him into not arresting me, and quietly whispering to my son "keep your butt down please." I would NEVER do that.

Hummmm...Not Me Monday!! I kinda like it.

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week. Here blog address is http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Adoption poem!!

Legacy of an Adopted Child

Once there were two women
Who never knew each other

One you do not remember
The other you call mother

Two different lives shaped to make your one
One became your guiding star
The other became your sun

The first gave you life
And the second taught you to live in it

The first gave you a need for love
And the second was there to give it

One gave you a nationality
The other gave you a name

One gave you the seed of talent
The other gave you an aim

One gave you emotions
The other calmed your fears

One saw your first sweet smile
The other dried your tears

One gave you up-it was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child
And God led her straight to you

And now you ask me through your tears
The age-old question through the years

Heredity or environment-which are you the product of
Neither my darling-neither

Just two different kinds of love