Monday, June 29, 2009

Sunday!!



Today R and B, baby Ty and I went to church. Rebekah had mentioned going to church together a week or so ago....so when it was to become a reality that we WERE going to go I was worried. Its one thing to keep my emotions in check in front of family and friends but to go to church......I was really concerned because that is a place that I would NORMALLY cry anyway. I threw all that aside though. There was NO way I would pass up seeing the three of them...so we went.

"Celebrate with those who celebrate, and weep with those who weep" were the words I heard from the pulpit. I have done so much weeping...and I feel that God has just been right beside me all the way. He has wept with me...and felt my pain. God knew what I would go through before even I did...so I have never been alone....today...I didn't weep.....I celebrated. I celebrated for Rebekah and Ben. I cant imagine what endless months of infertility could do to a person. I cant even begin to feel the loss and pain of an empty nursery and empty arms...SCREAMING inside for God to do something. The road must have seemed so long for R and B. I saw all of that today...sitting in church. I cant tell you the joy I felt, knowing that R and B's arms are no longer empty...and soon, there nursery will be full. It was most certainly time to celebrate with them. I am honored to be a part of this huge miracle.

The blessings keep flowing. God is so good. It seems that no matter what corner I turn, I am hit with another blessing. They come in big and small packages...but none the less, I know they are from God...and through each one of them he seems to tell me "I'm with you."

Rebekah's friend Meeghan made the most spectacular gift for me. I am holding it in the picture above. Its a miniaturized quilt that holds Ty's stats on it. I could hardly hold in my emotion when I untied the ribbon and opened it today. It will be cherished forever. She made one for Ty as well, of course in a bigger size but the same pattern. Thank you Meeghan.

Rebekah also gave me Ty's going home from the hospital outfit. She thinks of me all the time. I have never once felt unloved by Rebekah. Her love for me pours out, and I am never guessing how she feels about me. I am truly truly blessed to have her and Ben in my life......and to have her as the mother of my child and Ben his dad, sometimes Its hard to take it all in.

Friday, June 26, 2009

A little update on me!!

I finally got around to dying my hair. When I was pregnant with Ty I dyed my hair ONCE very early and felt very very guilty about it so from there on out I didn't do anything like that. Needless to say, my genetically gifted grey hair was coming through at an alarming rate. I don't mind grey hair....but I'm not ready to go there.....yet. (grin) So, as you can see....I'm back to brown....with a hint of red. (brown is my God given color)(but you know how that goes)

I have also been busy with lots of.......



nose kisses......



and more nose kisses. My son is obsessed with nose kisses. I get them all the time. How lucky am I hugh?

Physically I am doing much better but have a LONG ways to go. I have lost a total of 29 pounds since Ty's birth nine days ago. That's a LOT of weight to loose in a short time...but I'm OK with it. I have a lot to loose. My blood pressure is still elevated but manageable. I think as time passes, it will continue to get better.

Emotionally, I am doing so much better. I am throwing myself into things that have to be done and that keeps my mind off things. I am gratefully for my three year old being here..it makes me feel useful. Over all, I am doing well. I still avoid talking to people beyond family and close friends but I hope that changes soon. I am just not at the stage where I can talk about my experiences freely without bawling my eyes out. LOL Baby steps people....baby steps.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Tyrus' birth story!!

I still sometimes expect to feel him kick. There are certain times that I am sitting at the computer and think "I havent felt him kick today" and then realize I am not pregnant anymore. Its kind of like someone that has lost an arm or a leg but they still feel pain where the arm or leg used to be. I just feel like I was pregnant for so long....and now I'm not.

I am feeling so much better. The medication is bringing the blood pressure down and my body is slowly deflating. LOL Funny I know, but it is true. I had lost 25 pounds in seven days, and I am sure that most of it was water weight. It makes me smile to start getting my body back.

BIRTH STORY:
The night before my sister came over to spend the night. We ate pizza in celebration of "birth day" the next day and then went to bed. At five o'clock we showered and were out the door. I had eaten some eggs before we went because I knew they would starve me through the day. I still hate that hospitals do that.

We got to the hospital and they were very quick to get things started. They had me put one of those beautiful backless gowns, and get into bed. I wanted some pictures (last prego pictures) before I climbed into bed so I had my sister snap some of me. Those are the ones you see in the video. I felt out of whack. On one hand, I knew that I wanted the pregnancy to be over, but on the other hand, I had this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew that it was the beginning of the end of my time with this little guy. Follow that thought below........

When I first got pregnant I did NOT want to like the baby inside me. I HATED that I was pregnant and just angry over the whole situation. I couldn't believe that I had gotten myself into this mess and I wasn't sure how to handle it. When I decided on adoption In my mind I thought I could separate the little one inside me and my emotions. I thought that I would just play it out as a surrogate mom and it would all be very easy. I had no idea that I would fall in love with the baby in my belly and we would actually develop a relationship.

So, going to the hospital that morning was unlike any of my other births. I had no baby supplies at home, I didn't bring a "going home" outfit, no carseat......nothing...not even a name that I had pick out. Its a very odd feeling, so I felt a bit separate from it all...and just felt like I was going through the motions.

Everyone was there (except Carrie, my best friend), Amy was there,(the adoption case worker) my mom and Grandma and Aunt were there, my sister, and eventually Rebekah and Ben all came. I was so blessed to have so much support. In fact...we had so many people in the room that the nurses had to step over us to get around the bed. But nobody complained and nobody was asked to leave.

Rebekah and Ben drove all night to make the birth. I was expected to deliver a few days later so there leisurely trip to Colorado was cut short and they drove all night and grabbed a few hours of sleep before they came to the hospital. I was over come with emotion when I saw my sweet Rebekah. I feel a bond with her that I can never explain. She would be the mother of MY child. I trust her, I love her. I started bawling when they walked in the room and I said to her as she hugged me "I was waiting for you." Just thinking of that moment makes me cry.

I was dilated to a one when I arrived at the hospital. The pitocin was started and I made it to a one and a half when they started mentioning that the doctor was going to come in and break my water. I told them that I wouldn't let them break my water until the epidural was in place because(from experience)I knew the REAL pain would start. So at nine o'clock the epidural was given...and shortly after, at about two centimeters, my water was broke.

You would think that things would have sped up from there but they did not. We had hours and hours of visiting time. I dreamed of this time for months though. I think it was an answer to prayer because I wanted TIME to stand still in the hospital. I knew that it was the only time I would have with Rebekah and Ben and I wanted it to last and last. When they go home.....It could be YEARS before I see them again. Not only were they to be the parents of my baby, but I cherish there friendship, and I didn't want it to end, and I think in the back of my mind, I knew that my time with baby boy was short. I had no idea that all the emotions were just building and building.

I really don't know what time it was...but everyone decided that it was time to go take walks and maybe get some dinner.

I was in my own world because for some reason the pain of the contractions was becoming more real to me. I thought "these are starting to hurt." But, I thought maybe I was just reaching the end of labor and they were getting stronger, but I decided to tell the nurse because I was REALLY in pain. She told me to sit up and she checked the epidural.....and sure enough....TO MY HORROR....the epidural had been pulled out of my back. I FEAR epidurals...they HURT and I don't like them, but I get them because the pain that they take away is worth the pain of getting them...so for me to realize that I had to get a SECOND epidural was devastating. I couldn't handle it and started sobbing from the bottom of my gut. I was so scared. My sister and mom had stayed in the room (thank God) and the man came in to put in the second epidural......

this is where the story gets interesting.

I am sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to arch my back, NO EPIDURAL in place, and (although I didn't know it) was dilated to NINE. The contractions hurt so bad and were two minutes apart. The epidural was started and he started administering the pain medication first....he pokes it in my back and it EXPLODES into his face and eyes.........the needle is still in my back and he runs to the sink to try to flush his eyes out because they are burning. All I remember thinking was "there is a needle in my back and the doctor is blinded, and I'm about to give birth." I'm freaking out and in pain, and I cant move because I'm not sure what is going on with this needle. After a few minutes he says he is OK and starts working again. It takes him forever to get the epidural in place....but he finally does. Relief!!!!!!

I am laid back down and I start feeling pressure, the nurse checks me and announces that I am a nine.....and all of a sudden I hear a big "CRASH" and I look over and my MOM IS ON THE GROUND. All I can see are her feet moving back and forth and I think she is having a seizure. I start yelling "MOM MOM, are you OK?" I am crying my eyes out and all the nurses are rushing over to help her. Come to find out my mom (who just had back surgery and suffers from Multiple Sclerosis) was trying to sit in the recliner and was trying to pushing down the foot extension and lost her balance, hit her head on my bed and went to the floor. OH MY GOODNESS!! CAN YOU SAY CRAZY!!!!

I hear her voice "Becky I'm OK." She knew I was scared. They got her up while at the same time they know the doctor has to be called because I am going to deliver. Mom is crying because she knows she is going to miss the birth and they wheel her down to the emergency room to get checked out. She hit her head pretty hard.

By now my contractions are making baby boys heart beat go down to 75 beats per minute. There was nothing I could do to get his heart rate to stay up and so now I am crying because I am afraid he is going to die. By now everyone had made it back into the room. Rebekah sees me crying and she whispers to me "trust God." I settle down and the doctor eventually appears. They get the room set up and I am about to push, but I see Ben WAAAYYY over in a corner. I didn't want him over there....I wanted him to be part of it so I called him over.....and Ill never forget his face when I told him that. He smiled as big as the Grand Canyon. (sweet Ben)

I pushed for less then ten minutes and baby boy was born and placed on my belly.

He was nothing like I imagined. He didn't look like Ron, he didn't look like me....he looked like Tyrus. He was so beautiful, and tiny and I fell instantly in love. Ben cut the cord, and we all just stared at him, and listened to him cry. I had tears running down my face...he was amazing.

The rest of the time was filled with passing baby Ty around. It was filled with LOTS of pictures and flowers and smiles and joy. There were no tears until I had to sign the papers. I didn't expect to cry....but I did...and they were the first tears of many for days to come.

We left the hospital.....me with my sister, and Rebekah and Ben with my sweet little boy. My sister dropped me off at home, and the fountain of tears flowed and flowed. I couldn't stop them. I was a ball of emotions for days as you all know from my posts.

I am glad that I didn't make the decision to place Ty for adoption in the days following my birth. It would have been a decision based on emotion, and it would not have been the right one. Now that I have a clearer mind, I know for sure I made the right decision...not because I don't love Ty (because clearly I do) but because it was just the right one for me, and it was the right one for my baby boy.

The rest of the story is not told yet. It will unfold one day....one moment...at a time. I am starting a new normal, whatever normal is......that is what I am trying to discover.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Termination....what a horrible sounding word......

As of eight o'clock a.m. today my rights are officially terminated. I had all night to think about this. I knew I wasn't going to change my mind, but it was weird thinking about it all night...knowing that in the morning, I would have no say in my sons life anymore. Ive made the last and best choice I could for him. I know it was the best choice, but I still feel like a failure, and sometimes like a bad mom. I know those are just feelings....and they hold no truth....but they are there.

I am forever changed...and forever different. My life holds different meaning now and sometimes I don't know how to deal with it. Its overwhelming. Can you imagine giving away your child? Its tears my heart in two. I hardly can go two hours without crying...will this ever end? They tell me it will. They tell me that I will never feel completely happy about the situation but that I will find a way to live with it. Rebekah and Ben are just the best thing that has happened for baby boy...and I know that, that's not that part that makes me sad....its living with my decisions that I'm having a hard time getting over.

This is truly the hardest thing I could ever do.

Thank you for all the comments on the video. It is for Ty and I will probably send it to him with is first letter that I will be writing soon. Someday he will watch it, but he will already know about me. I'm so thankful for that. He doesn't leave my mind for a second...I'm constantly thinking about him, and how much I will miss him.

I keep thinking of the story of Moses. Ive always thought Ty was my little prince, because if you read the story...it truly mimics an open adoption. Moses really was adopted by the princess in Egypt. He became a prince through adoption because his mom couldn't keep him. Now of course his mom couldn't keep him because he would be killed....but for me...the similarities are about the same.....so Ty will forever be my little prince. It gives me a little peace.

R and B and Ty did meet with the birth father yesterday. He apparently was sweet and held the baby for a while. They met for an hour and a half and then parted ways...it went smoothly and Rebekah and Ben got some good pictures for Ty's memory book. So surreal to me. So many thoughts...not enough paper to put them on.

My health is still up in the air...I am just doing a lot of resting as per doctors orders.....and I wait for my blood pressure to go down. Its frustrating when your body is doing something that you have no control over. Thank you for your prayers. They are priceless to me.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Please pray for me....and video posted!! UPDATE BELOW!!

I have heading off to the doctors office. I cant seem to get my blood pressure to go down. I have other symptoms that are leading me to believe something is wrong as well so the doctor has asked me to come in. PLEASE PRAY that he does not hospitalize me like they did after Skyler. Please pray that this is something that can be managed at home...I really don't want to go to the hospital and I am very very upset about the prospect of that and I know it is just making things worse.

I just figured out the video and uploaded it. Please give it time to process if it isn't working. You can look me up on youtube at lovmykids333.



Short update. My blood pressure was really high at 175/101. Not good at all. I did get to come home but not before going to the hospital to get some blood work done so that we could see if my kidneys are working properly. Ugggg.....my b/p medication was upped and so hopefully with some rest...and a lot of prayer...I will start getting better.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

A glimps of my journey........

I personally can not watch this video without crying....but it doesn't take much to make me cry lately. I try to avoid people I know because I KNOW they will ask me about baby and I will just start crying...and I cant talk when I cry. LOL But....I actually am doing better. My breast pump gives me the relief I need from my boob pain and I feel I am gaining strength every day.

I had a wonderful day with my dad, Ben, Rebekah and sweet Ty. There are a few pictures of today at the end of the video. My dad got to meet Ty for the first time and it was so sweet.

Tomorrow, Ty, Rebekah, and Ben will meet the birth father. I have been dreading this day for so long.....but now...I feel OK about it. He signed the papers and Tuesday everything will be official and our rights will be terminated....THAT is for a whole other post though. :)

VIDEO:
Apparently my video didnt work. All that you could see was music. I am so dissapointed because it took four hours to upload. I dont understand it. UGGG!! Here are some pictures from today....instead. :(






Saturday, June 20, 2009

Sweet moments.......

Photos are coming in from people that were at the birth. I think everyone had a camera which is great because we have lots of different angles.

I love these two picture because they really do capture sweet moments for me. If you can get past how big I am and how tired I look....you can see the sweetness in the moment.


Small update!!

Just a small update this morning. I felt like I was up all night with pain from my milk coming in. I thought if I could just hold out till morning I would get me and Skyler to Walmart and buy a breast pump. I waited and waited and morning finally came and we went and got one. Its just going to be a hard road.

My mom is on her way over to bring me some lunch. I am so swollen in my feet and legs. Its from the high blood pressure that I got from being pregnant. I sure hope this all resolves itself soon. Its enough to be sad, but to not feel good on top of that is just misery. UGGGGG!!

It is a rainy day today but despite that usually making people sad, it puts a smile on my face because I love a good storm.

I am trying to make a video to post on here but it is slow going. If I sit in the computer chair to long then it makes my feet get bigger and bigger. So I have to take lots of breaks.

I promise everyone that I will return to my perky self in time. For now, I want to document all of this journey, even though it is hard right now.

Thanks for hanging in there with me and sending me lovely comments. I love it.

Friday, June 19, 2009

My sweet baby boy!!




I got to spend two and a half hours with R and B and baby boy Ty. It was beyond sweet to hold him in my arms. R and B took Skyler out to the play ground to play and I got to change a diaper and feed him a bottle and just cuddle him. He is so soft and little. His cries are high pitched like a tiny dinosaur. Its adorable.

About two weeks before I had baby boy a good friend of mine sent me the little stuffed animal you see Ty with in the middle picture. The significance of that animal is that it is from a friend who introduced me to Ben and Rebekah. I would have never found these wonderful people had it not been for her. She sent me the cute horse so that I had something to cuddle after baby was gone.....but I know she wouldn't mind that I had another plan for it. I did cuddle it, but now that baby boy is here, I thought it would be fitting for him to have it. It is from the women that connected us all, to my arms, to TY's. What a wonderful triangle don't you think? Thank you Kriss!!!!!

I felt so good after they left. It did my heart good to see them in the outside world with the baby. I have no doubt that they love him and will take care of them but for some reason it was good for me to see it. I loved how protective they were and how much they seemed to know about him and what he needed. I still cant shake the sadness, but I have decided not to. Its going to be there. I am going to keep crying and that's OK. It doesn't help that I just feel lousy. I know its only been about three days but my milk is coming in so its painful and I just feel crummy. Somehow, tomorrow, I need to do laundry so Ill have to pull it together.

I miss my kids. :(

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Putting a finger on it.....

I have been crying almost non stop since I came home from the hospital. I just couldn't put my finger on what the problem. I know, it should seem obvious right? But, this is not me. I felt TO weepy. It was kinda neat because I was reading my blog comments and then a person posted an anonymous comment about me needing some post placement counseling, while at the same time my adoption case worker was texting me the number for some post placement counseling. I jumped at the idea and called her right away. I knew that talking to someone would probably not take the crying away, but maybe it would give me some answers....and I feel I got some.

She told me in her words that my life is usually filled with people all around me (four children). I am usually constantly busy and preoccupied with the needs all around me. When the three older children left for there dads a few weeks ago, all my attention was given to the pregnancy and the three year old. I was clearly still very busy going to doctors appointments and taking care of a three year old. My mom just had major surgery so I was also caring for her and running back and forth from the doctor to my moms and then briefly home. NOW....baby is born, the kids are gone, and I have only a three year old here with me now....things are quiet....and (THE BIGGEST THING) I have a sense of loss for the child I just carried for nine months. Having a baby alone will probably bring a person to tears...but I have so much more then that.

I think when I put all those things together it makes sense. I can finally put my finger on it...and again...although it doesn't take it all away (because my pain is truly real) it does give me an answer. I really am not loosing my mind and going crazy. LOL

Physically I am still feeling quite sore from the birth. I cant complain about that, Ive had much much worse recoveries.

Again, thank you for your comments....they are really getting me through as I am here alone at home. I look forward to hearing from you all.

I also promise to have the birth story soon. I want to make sure to write every detail I can remember.

Still trying.........

I woke up this morning and the tears continue to flow, in fact I am always choking them back. I thought "does this ever end? What is wrong with me?" I decided to try to focus on other things. Its weird, when I was pregnant I ate and drank and did EVERYTHING for the baby. TAKE CARE OF BABY BOY...was my motto. I didn't give it a second thought to eat and drink. Today, I realized that I have to FORCE myself to eat. I found myself with no motivation to do anything I did before. I do see a light at the end of this dark dark tunnel. Life does go on...it has to. I have to eat, I have to drink, I have to start laughing again, and it wont last long. This will pass but it seems so dark. I just got off the phone with a dear friend from Michigan. It was so nice to talk to her and I found myself feeling "normal" as we discussed how amazing my birth was and how God has made such good out of this situation.....and it made me see that life does go on....and I think I can get up and make breakfast and do normal things. I am enjoying little Skyler. It does my heart good to plant kisses on his still baby soft skin. His eyes look at me with such love. He still melts my heart. Here is a video of me in the hospital. It was one of the first times I was left alone with baby boy and I captured a bit of me "checking him out." His skin was so new and perfect. He hardly made any noises. Sorry for the breathing in the background. I obviously should have held the camera away from my face.
video

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Several hours later........


Its been a few hours since I came home from the hospital. I have never cried so much. I didn't know I had so many tears, I didn't know I would have to feel so much. I thought It would be easier....but it isn't.

I have learned though in the past few hour how healing crying can be. Amazingly, I still am so sad, but I feel better. My kids Auntie and my best friend came over tonight (she wouldn't take no for an answer) and comforted me. What a gift she gave me in just being here. Skyler is home and I find a lot of comfort in that.

I'm not worried about the baby. I know he is fine and being so loved on and cared for. I cant imagine the joy in Ben and Rebekah's heart on there first (non-hospital) night with there son. There are no words for that kind of joy and happiness, and that also makes me happy.

I spent most of the day today with baby Ty alone. I cherished every single minute with him. I couldn't believe that this baby boy has been with me for nearly ten months. I knew my time was short, although I will see him again before they head to there home state. I just held him in my arms and tried to remember every part of him, from his jet black hair to his wrinkled brown feet. What a gift I have been given to carry him in my belly all this time. Yet I know that he will change so much daily, and I am glad I have been given yet another gift to watch that happen.

I am so sad, but I know that my sadness will turn to joy. Right now is the time to cry. For me that is OK. Its been such a journey from the time I found out I was pregnant, to now seems like an eternity.

So now, I sit here, NOT pregnant any more, yet I still look pregnant. My body still cramps up as if I was in labor, and this part of the journey is over. I have to rest, and get better because there is so much more to do now.

The birth story is quite incredible. I cant wait to share it, just not today.

Thank you EVERYONE for your wonderful supportive comments. Today when I first came home, all I could do was sob and cry, but it gave me so much comfort to read these comments that you all left....people that don't even know me....care about me. Amazing!!!!!!

Forgot to mention!!!!
Tyrus is his name
born Tuesday, June 16th
6:24 pm
7lbs, 40z
19 3/4 inches long

He is here!!! And Im finally home!!






Well, there is my sweet baby boy, and up top is him with me and below is him with his beautiful wonderful parents. He is the sweetest thing I have seen in a long time.

I am home. I am home alone. Im waiting to get my three year old back so I am not alone.

I really dont have words for how I feel right now. Im happy, overwelmed and sad.....Is that even possible to feel so much in one moment?

Ill post more, later if I think I can handle more. Right now....My heart is broken.

Monday, June 15, 2009

BIG NEWS!!!!

Tomorrow is BIRTH DAY!!!!! I went to the doctor today and my blood pressure was 155/105, and that is while I am ON blood pressure medication. So the doctor was not impressed and said to head to the hospital early tomorrow morning. I am so excited.

The problem is that R and B are still driving. They will be driving all night long to get here tomorrow morning. Please pray for there safety.

As for me, I am SOOO excited. I'm excited to NOT be pregnant, I'm excited to lay in a bed and enjoy my family and relax (after epidural of course) and most of all, I am excited that R and B are going to be parents tomorrow. What more could I ask for?

Ill keep you updated as best I can.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

My mind is on my kids tonight!!!

This evening we had a fairly good thunderstorm and it nearly scared the wits out of little Skyler. He was already tired because his sweet Auntie Carrie took him swimming this morning. What a blessing she is to me because she has been helping me out tremendously with Sky during this time when I can barely walk sometimes. He had such a good time in the wave pool, it was his first time ever and he nearly wore her out...but she was such a good Auntie and so loving and let him have so much fun. Thank you Carrie!!!

Later when we got home I got to talk to my other three sweet kids on the phone. There dad has been so great to call me and give me updates on the kids. I would have been quite happy to hang up the phone with them and be content with there happy voices in my ear....but that was not to be had this evening. LOL

Soon after my great phone call with the kids I received another phone call from there dads phone; however, there was nobody on the other end. After saying HELLO HELLO several times and nobody answering I just listened. I was SO LUCKY to overhear my ex husband and my sweet older kids talking about beer, marijuana, and smoking. It was hard to make out exactly what was going on...but my favorite phrase from there daddy was "actually alcohol is worse for you then marijuana because marijuana only makes you silly for awhile."

They were asking there dad many questions about alcohol and drugs upon which he is very educated in. I was trying to keep calm. I couldn't figure out why someone had called me and allowed me to listen in on this conversation. At one point in the conversation that I overheard they were talking about how you should eat food to absorb the alcohol in your stomach, and how the kids would be OK because they have been eating as much as daddy had the whole trip. I was very concerned but I was, LIKE I SAID, trying to keep calm. I hung up the phone and called him back right away and asked him what was going on and told him what had happened. He assured me that the kids had only had a couple sips of beer and they were not drunk.

Lord help me!!!!! I'm telling you, my mind is on my kids tonight........

3 Days NOT including today!!

Three days go go till birth day. Rebekah and Ben set out for Colorado early this morning. They will arrive Tuesday night. Its going to feel so good to have them here.

I am feeling so emotional lately but I think that is normal. I would rather feel things along the way instead of being slammed with them all at once later so I believe that God is just prepping me.

I try to put myself in that place at the hospital. I think about laying there in bed after having the baby and watching Rebekah and Ben hold him. What a weird situation to have a baby but to not bring him home or have to care for him. Ive done it so many times, I know how it feels, and how much work it is, and how much joy it is all in the same emotion. Its exhilarating. I cant believe how much it takes to give someone else your baby. Its not so easy to dismiss all the feelings that go with it. Believe me I have tried. I think its better to go through the feelings then to just try to ignore them, which would be my normal behavior pattern.

I feel great about the whole situation. I have no intentions on changing my mind or turning back, I just am scared to feel everything. All these people are going to be in my hospital room...what if I burst out into tears? What if I don't want to hold him at all? What if I just want to run away and hide but there isn't anyware to go?

This life growing inside of me isn't mine, he never was. I was chosen though, to give birth to him, and then to give him away. What an amazing thing to think about. After he is born, I will be forever changed. I will look at life differently. I'm tired of just going through the motions. I want my life to matter. I'm tired of just wasting it all away. I was made (you were made) for a greater purpose then to just live day to day, hour by hour. I am looking forward to being a better mom, a better friend, a better sister, and a better daughter. I cant wait to see my relationship with the Lord grow stronger through this, I have to admit that I have fallen farther from the Lord because of my confusion on why this has all happen to me, when in reality I did it to myself. Thank God for grace and forgiveness.
______________________________________________________________

Last night I had contractions and back labor for several hours. In my mind I couldn't believe that I would actually go into spontaneous labor on my own so I tried everything I could to stop it and tried to ignore it. It worked. It dissipated and I am still here this morning. I have a feeling that labor is around the corner anyway though.

I have my last doctors appointment tomorrow and then off to the hospital on Thursday.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Saturday!!

The highs and lows of this part of my life are just crazy, and I'm not just talking about the adoption. Single parenting is such a test of faith and perseverance. My three older kids are hundreds of miles away but the worries that come with motherhood don't go away just because the kids are gone.

Yesterday the kids dad called me and wanted to just fill me in on how hard of a time Matthew was having. I do this with him as well so its not out of the ordinary. We do try to utilize each others support even though we live so far away. I didn't realize how hard it would be on me to hear about him getting himself in trouble and then learning about his punishment. Although his fathers punishments are far more severe then mine would be, they are still not cruel or unusual, but it still hurts my heart to know that my son is causing hardship on himself. It threw me into a couple hour of on and off crying. LOL I'm hoping that after he completes his extra chores that he earned for lying that he wont lye to his daddy any more...but you know how kids are...sometimes they have to learn the same lesson over and over again. :) Poor little guy.

I continue to be very uncomfortable. This is the most painful pregnancy to date for me. I am trying to take it one day at a time but it is really really hard.

Rebekah and Ben head out the door and start making there way here early tomorrow morning. I am so happy for this part of the journey. I cant wait until they are here and we can start the fun part of this whole thing. Up until this point...it has just been really frustrating and hard.

I am not sure what emotions the hospital will bring me. I am afraid I might get angry if there is a lot of pain. Does that sound weird? It is weird but its how I feel. Ive been through so much already and all the pain that I am going to experience seems a bit overwhelming to me right now. I think it might put me over the edge and the anger I have at the whole situation and towards Ron might come up again. I might be wrong about it all but I might not. The way I express anger is by crying so I wont be yelling at people or making them miserable but I am just worried about how I will feel.

In the meantime, I have lots of time to think lately. I think about this whole process and how incredibly hard its been. I'm ready for it to be over. I'm ready to move on and I am ready to have my body back. I cant remember very well what it feels like to be NOT pregnant and to feel pretty. It will be another long road back to health and happiness. I will NEVER put myself in this situation again.

And now, I have to go take care of my VERY cranky three year old. :)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I have to post this!!

I am really struggling today and tonight. As I have said, my kids are (the older ones) are with there dad this summer for two months. I deal with this problem every summer so I don't know why I am complaining but here I go again.

The kids father feels that it is OK to let my children watch horror movies. Currently, I know that they have watched "Twilight" (which I know isn't that bad but HELLO, sucking peoples blood isn't normal) and most recently "The Grudge 3."

Now what happens is my children watch these movies all summer and then they come home to me and they will not go into there bedrooms alone, or take a shower alone, and they see "dead people" roaming around my apartment and are scared out of there wits.

I warned them before they left that if they CHOSE to watch those movies again this summer that I would NOT tolerate there silly "being scared" games here at home. They made there bed and they would have to live with it.

It just makes me so MAD that there father thinks its OK to watch JUNK like that. I just want to call him up right now and scream at him, but it will do no good as we have had this conversation before. I think I might email him and again tell him to tell the kids that I wont deal with any "IM SCARED" games when they get home.

"How do I know they are watching these movies?" You ask. Well my friends, my thirteen year old daughter is posting on facebook (where she knows I can read everything she writes) the movies she likes watching at her dads. Lovely hugh? Is she doing it to spite me? Because she knows I would NEVER let her do those things.

I HATE DIVORCE!!!!! It ruins everything!!!!! I wish her dad and I were more on the same page, but we never have been when it concerned the kids, or much else for that matter. Dont get me wrong, we dont fight, but its just a given that when they are with him...he drives the boat. I guess that is reasonable, but also can be quite confusing to the children, and breeds disrespect for me in my teen daughter.

Oh if things were just different.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Can you see him?






Can you see him in these 3D pictures? She tried and tried to get a good picture for me but his face is smack up against the placenta. He is measuring six pounds and fourteen ounces. I imagine he will weigh almost eight pounds at birth. He feels just a bit smaller then Skyler did.

He has one more week of growing because I go into the hospital to have him on the 18th. If I make it that far I will be so proud of myself. Lately I have just been WISHING he would come NOW. I do know that come next week when Rebekah and Ben are here and everything is going as planned, then I will be SO excited that it all worked out the way it did. Right now I am just NOT PATIENT!!!! Its hard to be when you are uncomfortable.

I am one centimeter dilated and starting to thin though so that is something right? LOL

On another note.....the agency has not received the paperwork from the birth father. This aggravates me a great deal. He said he mailed them last week...so I sure hope he is not LYING to all of us. Can you say JERK???????? Anyway, when I talk about the birth father it does not sound like me. I am not that way usually, but he brings out the bad in me. UGGGG!! The agency said I don't have to go to the court date....but sure as heck I will probably be there to see the birth father get terminated. I just feel like I want to be there....and I am thinking he might show up....because that is just how he is. I am thinking I might go.

Well, so there is my update. Skyler is doing much better. I am home today HOPEFULLY getting some things done around here. I did a no no today and had a coffee drink from Starbucks because I felt like I was going to fall asleep. I shouldn't have caffeine but I did.

Monday, June 8, 2009

There are no words to describe.......

....how big I feel.






video

Also, I joined a contest that you to can join by going to this site http://wellensfamily.blogspot.com/.

Friday, June 5, 2009

12 more days!!!!

That's right. I am scheduled to be induced on the 18th. Twelve days seems SOOOO long, but I know its not. I am doing pretty good today and yesterday. I have all the same discomforts but really, I think I can make it. I look at my belly and it seems HUGE and then I look in the mirror and I KNOW I'm huge. :) I really don't mind though. Its all for a good reason.

I was in the rocking chair the other day and was just slowly rocking and the baby was kicking and I put my hand on my belly and started rocking harder and I realized "Im rocking him." That sounds stupid Hugh because obviously I have been rocking him from the day he was conceived, but for some reason I just had this moment with him that I had not had before. It was special. I only have a short time to take care of him, and right now its so easy to care for him (in a sense). I think its easier to take care of a baby in utro then for them to be out. So I just felt, in that moment, that my job was was so important. I am ready for him to be born though. He just feels gigantic inside of me and its hard just to get dressed with this big belly.

The kids are doing great at there dads house. It feels good not to have to worry about them. Of course my three year old keeps me on my toes, but just to have three kids gone is such a BIG break. I really needed it. Oh and to top it off my mom and grandma have my dog for a few days. WHAT A RELIEF!! She is a sweet little thing but its become hard for me to take her potty three times a day (I live in an apartment).

Well, the nights are long for me because I cant lay in bed. The minute I lay down its such terrible pain in between my legs that I struggle to sit up. I have been sleeping on the recliner and it is not that comfortable but at least I get a few hours of sleep. Good thing I don't require much sleep. :)

Ill try to keep this updated....because time is short.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Just to set the record straight......

Well, this does seem to be a hot topic so I thought I would address it. (see comments on the previous post)

What an awkward situation hugh? Up until this point me and Rebekah and Ben have enjoyed having just the three of us. We have enjoyed getting to know each other and looking forward to baby boys upcoming birth and not only that but the time we get to spend together as newly found friends and soon family. I think that it really mirrors our walk with Christ. We get comfortable with how our relationship with the Lord is and then something comes along and reeks havoc on our lives and then we are thrown into a tail spin and we either question our faith or we question God or we question ourselves. Regardless the situation everyone has been through it.

So I think that is where we were.....comfortable. All of a sudden the birth father walks in and it made the situation different. I am taking the liberty to put Rebekah's (the adoptive mom) words right here in my post so that it is not missed and because I couldn't have put it better. Her words this morning were:

"Since it seems to be a hot topic... :)

Ben and I are not blind to all the birth father's errors...as a matter-of-fact, I see a lot of what Rebekah sees.

We are moving forward with a "relationship" (I use that word lightly) because we believe it's what's best for baby boy.

We are choosing to view him through the eyes of God. And for us, that's easy...he hasn't hurt, cheated, or lied to us.

We think Rebekah is remarkable and handling things the same way we would...the hurt is too fresh in her mind to see him differently.

We pray God's complete healing for her heart everyday. Nothing or no one will ever replace the bond we have with her...and certainly not the birth father, who has just decided to show his face.

We love you, Rebekah!"

I couldn't have put it better, and it feels so good to read those words. I COMPLETELY stand beside Rebekah and Ben in there decision to build a relationship (whatever that might be) with the birth father. As angry as I am at him, he along with anyone else deserves a chance to be involved with this; however, he still will suffer the consequences. It sounds like we are being easy on him but if you really look at the situation, he is missing out on a lot. He WILL miss the birth, and he has missed watching baby boy grow in my belly, and he LOST his chance to be the father to his son. Its so sad that he made those choices and so those are his consequences. For the sake of the baby its best that he be involved, even though it will only be for a few weeks. So, I will get past my broken heart and God will heal my mind and I will be able to move on.....I do pray that Ron can do the same after all this is said and done. He has only hurt himself.

Ok, and my next post will be ALL about baby, because all this stuff is WAY to deep. LOL I have my doc appointment today at about two o'clock. I am also meeting with the case worker Amy to sign some of MY papers. How exciting!!! We are moving right along.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

No news is good news........

No news is good news is what I kept telling myself as far as the birth father went. As far as I was concerned, as time went on, and I didn't hear from him I figured he just wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. The agency kept telling me that because I had not heard from him and he had not supported this pregnancy emotionally or financially then he would be terminated.....THUS THE PHRASE...no news is good news.

Well things have changed. The birth father has been found, contacted, served.....and heard from. Up until that point I felt I had all my emotions under control. I mean, I don't feel that great physically but emotionally I was GREAT. Then, the birth father calls and said he wanted to talk to me....AND the adoptive parents. And to top that off he said he would like to see the baby. Oh my gosh, this is to much for me to handle.

Well, yesterday the birth father did talk to Ben and Rebekah. It went well, and I think it is safe to say that both parties got along quite well. I am glad for that.....so why does my heart hurt? Why do I feel so weird about him being around again. I just cant figure it out. I have seen both sides of this man. He is Jekyll and Hyde and I feel a fierce protection going out from me wanting to protect baby boy and Rebekah and Ben. I know that he has EVERY right to know his son, and he has every right to know Rebekah and Ben. YET, these feelings are going through me like a knife.

Could it be that I am just so hurt and angry at him and I don't feel that he deserves to step back into this whole situation after CHOOSING to be out of it for so long? Why now? Why does he think that it is OK now? Nothing about this whole thing seems fair.

Sure he has apologized to me (yesterday) and begged my forgiveness. I know I have to forgive but right now I am having a hard time.

I want to make sure I am clear....I am so glad that Rebekah and Ben are able to know the birth father,and I am so glad that he did choose to step in at some point, but only because of the baby. I know a little boy that lives near me that has never seen, or heard from his father. It was a one night stand and he will never know who his father is, and I'm not sure the mother knows who he is...and he is sad. That's not a way to start life or live life. So this is better, I guess I just have to get through these feelings I am having.

I want to also say thank you to all the people that read my blog and offer me support and love. I don't think you all know what it means to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Someone asked for specific prayer requests and I do have a few:

1. Please pray for my feelings towards Ron (birth father) that the Lord will soften my heart towards him. At this point I cant even pray for him because I feel that my anger towards him is in the way.

2. Pray for my swelling. It is really bad and uncomfortable and the doctors give me no help with it and just say its normal and a part of pregnancy.

3. Pray that after the baby is born that I can swiftly get a job.

Well, I am off to try and take a nap. I just noticed that Ron called me AGAIN today while I was out running errands. The only thing he had to say to me was that he got the email from Rebekah with the pictures she sent him. Why is he calling me? He threw me away for so long, why bother now? I'm confused.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Time moves on.....

Well today is the first day without the kids. Its not to bad. I'm still chasing after the three year old and my dog, LOL but that's not to bad. The house is really quiet and I find myself wondering what my kids are doing. No doubt the girls are still sleeping, but Matt might be up playing the new games his daddy bought him on the PS3.

Today, I will spend much of my time sitting with my feet up trying to relieve the swelling in my ankles, but I will also be piddling around the house, getting it clean from when the kids were here.

I have talked to the birth father twice in the past two days. He has not changed. He seems the same, although he does seem very will to participate and cooperate in this adoption which makes my little heart so happy. He doesn't seem at all interested in much that has been going on around here. I think he was giving me a lot of leading questions, of which I would only plainly answer. I will not fall into his trap of trying to get information from me that he doesn't need. He did ask yesterday what sex the baby was, and I told him it was a boy. He paused after I told him and then said...."OK." He wished me the best, I wished him the best, he said the papers and signed and notarized, and we ended our conversation. He did apologize to me for all that has happened, saying that it was his idea to have a baby and yes he did want it to work out but he was dealing with some anger issues. I really don't know what that means. I take responsibility for my part, I am the one who has to go through this, it doesn't seem very fair.....but life isn't fair.

I truly pray that he does turn these papers in.

So now, time moves on. Each day is a step closer to my goal of having this baby and being able to start new. The kids are off to there dads, and now I sit here and gestate a little more, swollen ankles and all. LOL