Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I should be sleeping.....

.....but Im not. Im blogging. And Im happy about it.

I have caught a cold. Its not a bad one and its very manageable, but I was wondering how I was dodging all the sicknesses my children were getting. Im actually doing pretty good. My stomach is burning (you know that burn before you throw up) but its not to bad. I am wishing I had some sort of carbonated drink to sooth my stomach.

I was thumbing through some pages of my organizer and ran across a list I wrote when I was still pregnant with little Ty. It was really weird to read all these months later. It goes as follows:

Reasons for giving up baby:

1.Cut ties with birth father.
2. No child support.
3. Not enough room in car, would have to buy new car.
4. Would have to get a four bedroom place to live.
5. Not enough money.
6. Not enough attention to go around.
     -It would not be fair to the baby or the other kids to have one momma, no daddy and so many other kids.
7. I dont feel like I can start all over with an infant.
8. As the kids get older, everything gets harder.
9. Rebekah and Ben
10. This is what I feel God wants me to do.

Reasons to keep baby!
1. Because I love him.......I wish that was enough of a reason!!!!!

I find it very interesting to read this list. I remember writing it. I think it was when I had first connected with B and R and I think I knew what decision I was going to make but I was still questioning myself on if it was a choice a "good mother" would make. Of course now I know that a "good mother" makes these choices all the time for her children. It may not always be as big as relinquishment but as mothers we do make daily choices to be selfless on behalf of our kids.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Missing Ty.....

Two wonderful friends of mine wanted to bless me today. One watched all four of my kids while the other did all my laundry and cleaned my house. I am beyond blessed by these two wonderful ladies.

I myself had a busy day. I cleaned my moms house for her, and then mom treated me to a belated birthday lunch at one of my favorite restaurants. I then went and spent about a half hour with my best friend and then had to run and get my kids.

I was looking forward to picking up the kids. Of course I missed my kids but more then that, I needed my baby fix. The lady that was watching them was pregnant at the same time I was with Tyrus. In fact we were due the same week putting her little girl and little Ty at the same age.

So, Im driving down the road to get them. Its a pretty long drive, past NORAD, and onto a military base, which is ware I needed to pick up the kids. In order to get onto the base you have to exit your car, open up all the compartments, and dig out your license, registration, and proof of insurance. I was able to dig out all but the insurance card.

I was so upset. They would NOT let me on the base. I started to get flustered. You see, I really needed to hold the baby. I dont know why I felt so desperate to hold a baby but I did and now I was so upset because they wouldnt let me in. I called my friend and told her that I couldnt drive to her house and that she would have to bring the kids to me. She was fine with that and promised to be right there.

I sat in the parking lot and nearly cried. I knew that she didnt know how I was feeling and would probably leave the baby home because it was such a quick trip, and I was just so upset. I know this little girl is not Ty, but she is the closest thing to him and it feels so good to have her in my arms.

So Im sitting there and I see her driving up and she looks at me and said "I brought the baby." I snatched her up as soon as she could get her out of the car seat. She was the chubbiest piece of heaven I had seen since Ty. I loved every minute of holding her in the parking lot, next to a HUGE helicopter and tank topped with guns. Thanks Sheila for sharing your baby love with me...I needed it.

I was just talking to Rebekah about this the other day. She asked me how I was doing and I told her I was doing fine, and truly I am. I am so happy with how everything has turned out...but I think its OK for me to miss Ty, to miss his soft baby skin, fuzzy little head, and deep dark eyes. I wish I could see him. I miss him so much. My heart is soothed when I read posts like this, and get random phone calls from Rebekah giving me cool updates on Ty. I love it and am in no way regretting anything, but sometimes, its OK to just be sad. Maybe its because I started my period, but I think its just because I miss Ty.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Fun weekend planned!

Monday is my birthday. I love birthdays but I have to be honest, the older I get, the less exciting it is. I think birthdays were more fun when I was a kid. I love seeing the excitement build as the days get closer and closer to my kids birthdays. Matt's birthday is next month and you better believe he is counting down the days.

The hardest thing for me is when the questions start flooding in "What do you want for your birthday?" For the life of me I couldn't think of what I wanted. I'm a very simple person and I can live on very little, so I really had to rack my brain to come up with an answer. I did come up with a few things and since then, I have become very excited to see if I get them.

Rebekah and Ben sent me a fabulous present. I FINALLY have some very nice pictures of Ty to put on my wall. They are beautiful and I think they are 11x13 in size. Ill have to take a picture of them when they are in frames. LOVE IT!!!!

One of my gifts from family is a night out on the town. For me that means dinner and a movie. So tonight, I'm going out....without kids. I love those type of gifts.

My job is going well. My hour have improved but still seem to linger around fifteen hours a week. I hope this keeps up. It still isn't much each month and I keep considering getting a new job that can offer me more stable hours, but I just am going to put my trust in God and know that he will provide. In the meantime, I am looking forward to my tax return so that I can get a few things that are much needed around here.

I started quilting again the other night. It makes my heart happy. One of the things I asked for for my birthday was a fold up craft table...but in the meantime I am scooting my kitchen table into the living room to quilt so that I can watch TV at the same time. I am currently making a coffee quilt for a friend. SO MUCH FUN!!

So, I am 33 only for a couple more days. My thirties are swiftly going away. That's not a good feeling for me. I plan to grow old gracefully. I want to make the best of my life and live it to its fullest.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

This is not working....!!!

I love my job...but it seriously takes every ounce of energy out of me. When I get home its all I can do to tidy up the house and tend to Skylers needs, but when dinner time hits I just cant do it.

I have decided that I need your help dear blog readers. I am in search of some recipes that freeze beautifully. I am going to start cooking things on the weekend to get us thought he week but they have to be low calorie and of course freeze beautifully. Anyone have any great recipes?

The mom song!

This outlines a day in the life of me perfectly. I was shocked when I heard it because its so close to what I say every day. LOL ENJOY!!!!!!!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Always remember....

Its Sunday morning. Skyler and I are the only ones awake. Its very cold outside and I just realized that I fell asleep last night without putting away the HUGE crock pot full of home made chicken soup I made yesterday. I guess I will be cooking again today, I wish I had remembered to put the food away.

Coffee is made, there is a chill in the air and I am just sitting here thinking. I jump over to Rebekah's blog and Im just scanning over old posts. I start thinking back to all I have been through the past year. Her blog catalogs a lot of my journey and I love going back and reading it from her perspective.

I decide to click on this link titled "The call," and I found my self, again, immersed in Rebekahs words.

I remember the day I clicked on her blog for the first time. The first thing that captured me was her eyes, they danced, and I could picture them gazing at my child. I think I knew right away it was them, before I even read a word. It was a feeling, deep down in my gut. I began reading, and looking at pictures. I could see the passion Ben and Rebekah had for each other and I fell instantly in love with them.

Ty is almost four months old. I will never forget and will always remember my journey to find his parents. I will never forget the first time I talked with Rebekah on the phone. I had laryngitis, and I could sense the emotion in her voice. She was holding back in an effort not to freak me out with her excitement. If she could have only known that my excitement and emotion matched hers.

Ill never forget the day I had to say good bye to sweet Ty. As we said our last good bye's and Ben and Rebekah were about to walk out the door, I grabbed Ty's precious tiny foot and kissed it for the last time. I can still feel Rebekahs arms wrapped tightly around me as we both cried...both out of happiness and sadness.

These are moments that shape who I am, the moments that have changed me forever. I will always remember.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Fun box and Tyrus!!!

II was so excited to talk to Rebekah the other night. We talked about many things but the one thing that stood out is when she mentioned that Ty was able to hold rattles now. WHAT!?! He is getting so big. This little bundle of joy just warms my heart with his cuteness. I cant get enough of him. I'm also thrilled to hear that Rebekah and Ben have a date to finalize the adoption. Ty will be officially a member of their family...but to me that's only paperwork...he belonged in their arms from the beginning...the rest is just legal stuff. I am so excited for them. Look how big he is at about fourteen pounds now...gotta love those fingers!

Yesterday we got a big box. It was addressed to Victoria and Chelsea. We opened it up to find a whole bunch of hand me down clothes from Rebekah and her sister. The girls went crazy trying everything on. They had so much fun. Although I know that Rebekah has great fashion sense...Im not sure she wore the clothes the way Victoria is currently...but....well...let me show you.

Introducing...my little gypsy girl...sporting the clothes and jewelry that Rebekah sent, it is plain to see that Victoria has her own fashion sense...and I think we will keep it that way because she is as cute as pie.

You can tell how pretty she felt...

And I think she was even more thrilled that mommy wanted to photograph her.

The box Rebekah and her sister sent was like Christmas in October for my family. Fun was had by all...Chelsea looks wonderful in this shirt. Thanks Rebekah and Rachael!!!!!!!!!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Whats in a dad?

I remember my dad growing up. He wasn't the perfect father, but I looked up to him. I loved going out to the garage and watch him work on his many wood projects. He would make beautiful book shelves and even could make fun guns out of wood that would shoot rubber bands. He was a kid at heart, and loved to joke around and play jokes on people. My dad wasn't perfect...in fact he hurt me deeply many times in my life, but he was still my dad. Looking back on my life, I'm glad he was around....but I cant say that for my kids. Their dad isn't here...and unfortunately I don't think that will change.

I recently was considering moving closer to him in an effort to give the kids a chance to grow up with their dad. I see that they are lacking in a lot of areas, and I wanted to see if maybe it would work out for us to go and be closer to him. First thing I had to do was talk to him and make sure we were on the same page. I knew that if I lived closer to him that he would probably have them every weekend and with that arrangement I wanted to make sure that he would take them to church because otherwise they would never go.

I presented a few thing to him, as my expectations to going to Arizona depended on him complying with them or I would not go. They were simple things like taking the kids to church when he could, refraining from allowing the kids to watch movies like "the grudge," and "saw." Not allowing the kids to drink alcohol of any kind...things that probably to the ordinary parent would be a given...but not for this man. He is different.

After presenting these things to him...his response was that he would rather just have the kids in the summer, where he could do things the way he wanted to do things, rather then changing and becoming unhappy. In essence...he is not willing to change to make the kids lives better. He would rather just stay the way he is, miss out on the kids lives for practically the whole year, and continue leading his very cooshy life. I am so mad I could scream. How can someone be so selfish? How can someone let their children watch those horrible movies? How can you not be concerned about your child's spiritual walk?

So I am stuck. I can go to Arizona and get the help I desperately need, but in the process probably loose the kids to him as far as their spirituality....or I can stay here in Colorado and hope and pray that I am able to meet all the needs of the kids.

I am not willing to risk my kids not being taught the truth. What is the truth? The truth is that we are only here on this earth temporarily. This life is only a prerequisite for what is to come. I WANT my kids to be with me in Heaven. I have this HUGE responsibility to teach them about God and Jesus and the plans He has for our future. Unfortunately the kids father does not share that same conviction.

So I stay in Colorado.