Monday, May 31, 2010

I have a voice!

Do you ever find yourself driving down the road and glance in the rear view mirror to count all the children just to make sure you have not left anyone behind? I have never left any of my kids but that doesn't stop me from looking back once twice sometimes three times. Obsessive I know. You can never be to sure though.

I watched a movie tonight called "motherhood." Perfect movie to describe how you so easily loose yourself when you become a mom. Of course I use the words "lose yourself" loosely because its not necessarily a bad thing but you do feel a little like Alice in Wonderland while its happening. The movie really hit home for me. I felt like the mom in the movie was me, but in reality it plays into every busy mom out there.

The moral of the story was that we all want the best for our kids. We would do anything for them even sacrificing the things we aspire to be or do for a time until we can pick it back up when they are old enough.

Ive been thinking a lot this weekend. Mostly I have been stewing to be honest. I have so many things I would like to say here on this blog. Should a blog be only about happy things? Should we be able to say things that we feel passionate about? I believe the answers are no and yes! I grew up feeling like I always had to put on the happy face. It was important to make sure everyone felt comfortable and for goodness sake don't step on any ones toes. I don't think that is a very realistic way to live. The truth is, there are hard times to be had. Thank God there are also good times to be had and I want to blog about all of them. I'm tired of living my life concerned about what this person will think about me or how they will feel. Yes of course I want to be sensitive to people and I most certainly want to show love through my words, but when it comes to the TRUTH, I don't want to be silent anymore because I'm afraid of what people will think of me. The only one that truly matters is God. He is the only one who knows the condition of my heart.

I feel a battle going on in my life and my children's lives. It is a spiritual battle behind the scenes but a true life battle that I am watching like a play on a stage. I am going to fight it. Ill do whatever it takes to win. Giving up is not an option, being TOLERANT is not an option. (by the way I have grown to HATE that word tolerant, but thats for a different post) My kids and their futures are at stake. So on I fight. Does it ever end? I feel like my whole life is a big huge fight.

Im not sure how to end this post. So Ill end it here.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Lots of things.

My house is quiet. The three older kids have left to Arizona to be with their dad. Skyler fell asleep at seven. I find myself watching a lot of movies and cleaning up the house. Its so different going from four kids to one. I almost feel a little lost. My thoughts scattered. When all the kids are here there is always a pattern, something to do, times to keep, bedtimes to be made. It will take some adjustment. As soon as I am able to adjust, they will be back and the patterns start again. I miss them.

The kids leaving marks one year since I experienced one of the hardest times in my life. Looking back now it seems so surreal. It blows my mind that I actually had a baby a year ago. It does seem like ages ago, yet the memories are burned in my mind. It was the weirdest feeling to birth a baby that you know you were not going to keep. It wasn't meant to be that way, yet it was the way it is. Rebekah describes it as an "unnatural ripping." I think that describes it very well. One year has passed yet not a day goes by that I don't think about him. Time...I couldn't give him time. That's why I chose not to keep him. He deserved much more then I could give. Some people don't understand that, and that's OK. It wasn't anyone else's decision to make. I have complete peace with my decision to relinquish. Tyrus has an amazing life, a life that I will always be a part of. Maybe some day, Ill write a post on the details of my decision, how It came about, and the reasons behind it.

I thought I would answer some questions. My past three blog posts have been very controversial. I'm so glad I have such amazing readers. I especially like the ones that speak their minds, agreeing or disagreeing with me, in a respectful way. I'm not sure what good it does to be hateful and mean. It truly is pointless. Ill try to make my answers short and sweet. Please forgive me if I miss any.

"Was it not you who had sex with a man whom you were NOT married to?! Conceived a child OUT of wedlock?! Isn't that a sin in the bible as well?"

Yes I did conceive a child with a man that I was not married to. Yes it is a sin. I don't hide it, I blog openly about it. Look at where my sin got me. Not a fun place to be.

"What if one of your children is gay but because you've brainwashed them into thinking it's a sin, they live their life unfilled and unhappy? How does that make you feel as a mother, as their protector?"

That's a hard question to answer because I believe that being "gay" is a choice. I know I know, lets not get into a debate again. Ill just say that I feel I am protecting them by teaching them to love all people but to not love the lifestyle that the world has brainwashed US into believing is OK.

"So it's a sin to be gay or bisexual, but it's OK to abandon your child to strangers?"

Yes its a sin to live the lifestyle of a homosexual. No it is not a sin for me to relinquish my son to adoption, but yes it was a sin to have sex with a man I was not married to. Again, see what my sin did to me? So so sad!

"Didn't you put your own baby up for adoption because you expected he would be "brown"?"


"I think if you have such a bold opinion on this topic then you have to expect to deal with the fallout. Shouldn't Christianity be about love? Tolerance? Acceptance? If one if your kids happens to be gay will you disown them and label them a sinner?"

I fully expected to hear lots of opinions when I posted about this subject. I was OK with that. Christianity is about love. We are all sinners, not one of us better than the other. If my children were to live a gay lifestyle then I would most certainly love them to pieces as I do now; however, they would be fully aware that I do not support the way they live.

"I do hope Chelsea finds her way. You really should consider birth control for her. I am not trying to be mean, I just think it is going to happen."

As I have said before, not only do I teach my children that abstinence is the best way, I also am not so naive to think that it COULD happen. My kids are very well informed as to what sex is and how to protect themselves.

"You think being gay is a sin, how does giving ONE of your kids away fare with god?"

Have you ever read the story of Moses? His mother could not care for him so she gave him to someone that could. This did not make her a bad mother, in fact, I believe she was one of the best. The Bible is clear about homosexuality. If you believe in the Bible then you can not argue that truth; however, please show me in the Bible the passage that says it was a sin to give my son to someone who could care for him better then me?

"You made a choice that was best for YOU and now YOUR kids are paying the price, esp Chelsea. Now what kind of godly person does THAT to THEIR OWN children????"

I respectfully disagree with you. I believe I made all FIVE of my children's lives better by giving Ty up for adoption.

"I also know that the Lord is good and merciful. I believe that for those who are in a homosexual relationship will not be damned to hell for whatever reason. I believe, that they will be treated mercifully - as we all will. As a good person - gay or not - how can you not believe that? Wouldn't you want to believe that?"

A sin is a sin in Gods eyes. He does not put a measure on sins. It doesn't matter if you are a "good person," being a good person will not get you into heaven. No I don't believe that living a homosexual life will damn you to hell. I do know that the Bible clearly talks about living in the grey. Either you are living for Him or you are not. God tells us in his Bible that we are not to live a luke warm life, don't live in the grey. If you are truly interested in living for God then you will stay away from things that he clearly states are not good ways to live. Yes we make mistakes (I did,and still do) but I'm not going to make excuses for what I did. I was wrong.

"I am spiritual...and yes, I've read the Bible. But that doesn't mean that I take it to be the end all, be all...I can think for myself..can and will question what I read sometimes, and I think it's sad that in this day and age, we're still having the same arguments."

I agree that we should question what we read. Heck, research who translated the Bible. Find out who wrote it and when. Look into how it was translated. For me, its all I have. Its the only tangible thing that I can rely on that I know is truth. It makes sense to me. When I stray from its words I get into trouble.

"You might want to consider being less invasive of your children's' privacy. Do you have their permission to write all these things about them for the whole world to see?"

Ummmm yes I do. I am their mother. Is their a law against that? Not to mention, I dont believe I have talked about my kids private lives at all. I do talk about certain situations that happen but not real personal stuff. In general, I talk about typical things that I know everyone who is a parent deals with. Most of my blog is about me being a mother.

Good night all!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Moving on...I think!

I hate getting into debates on the Bible. I don't know why but everyone interprets it differently. I'm OK with that, but because of that, I will NOT get into a Bible debate because nobody wins. Not to mention that I am not a Bible scholar and so I do not believe I have any right to debate such a rich book. If you have just started reading my blog you might want to scroll down and read the last two posts for any of this to make sense.

With that thought, I encourage all you who do believe in the Bible and who have been leaving comments on my blog as far as homosexuality goes, and for all those who have not been involved in this debate, to go and read Romans chapter 1. I would encourage you to read the whole chapter so that you don't think I am taking a scripture out of context; however, the scriptures I am most interested in sharing with you are
Romans 1: 26-31. Romans is located in the New Testament AFTER Jesus died on the cross. I believe when he died on the cross he did away with the old traditions of the Old Testament so I thought it was important to share with you something from the New Testament.

Someone said to me in the comments of the last post that I came across so sweet during my whole adoption story. She said that my story was so heart felt. I recon now that you all know how I feel about homosexuality, I do not qualify as "sweet" any more....


I'm still sweet although that is not the point here. The point is that life is dang hard. Raising children has always been hard but I believe that in the day and age that we live in now it is exceptionally hard. It makes me mad that I cant protect my children from the world views that I don't agree with. It irritates me that I cant convince my children about what is right and holy in Gods eyes because the public schools and their teachings overrule me. I'm mad because I have not always been the best example for them and in turn it has impacted their lives negatively. (although not everything that has happened has been my fault) I'm mad because instead of standing up for what is right, some people just sit down because its comfortable. (not all people)

I cant defend myself against all the negativity that has been posted on this blog the past few days. I don't need to, but I will share this. Me and my children have had many conversations about sex and birth control. I believe that if you don't talk to your kids about sex, then someone else will. As much as they hate talking to their mother about it, they know all the in's and outs of sex. They know how it works, they know the dangers of having sex before they are married, or even if they are married. They know what a condom is and they also know that if they were to ever have sex that they need to use a condom. I am not a stupid person. I do not live in a box. My children are well informed.

I have always voiced how hard it is on my blog to raise my children alone. I think I was just tired of posting all the cutesy pictures and talking about the simple things when I had such heavy things on my heart. I chose to voice them here. I will continue to voice them. I don't know if I am the only one out there with older kids. I don't know if I am the only one who blogs about this stuff. I am not afraid to loose readers. I want you to stay because you want to stay, and because you enjoy being part of something that is real. My life couldn't get more real. My children are not small anymore. Its not about changing diapers. Now its about saying no to drugs because they will kill you, and saying no to sex because it could KILL you, and saying no to violence and gangs because it could kill you or you will wind up in jail. I would gladly go back to changing diapers. This is really hard!!! But who said it would be easy?

Do you have certain beliefs that you try to instill in your children? What are they? Are you afraid to post them on your blog? Are you afraid of what people might think? Don't be. Just say it! We need each others support.

Lastly, I have made it so anonymous people can not post. I believe that you should not hide behind rotten words. If you have something to say then stand up and be proud of it. Show your face for goodness sake!!!

Heres what I have to say about that!

I want you to meet someone. Her name is Meredith and she has a husband and two small children. I have read her blog for years and years, even before my ten year old was born I have followed her story. I think its clear that I am a devout Christian that believes in the Bible and TRIES to follow it as best as I can. The funny thing is that Meredith is an atheist (gasp). Shocking Hugh? Well, not really. But I wanted you to meet her because she is such a sweet lady with a very outspoken mind. In all the years I have followed her, not once have I been disrespectful towards how she believes. Sometimes she will ask for her readers opinions and then I will give mine to her but then I continue to read. Its nice to have diversity. You can find her blog here. Its OK to have a different opinion then someone else, even if its about homosexuality.

A lot of comments were left on my last post. Here are a couple I wanted to comment on:

"Perhaps you should do some more researching on nature vs nurture/psychology. Many people who are gay did not CHOSE this lifestyle but were born this way. Just like you would not like someone calling you fat, YOU too were just genetically programmed to be larger and you cant help it. Neither than they." anonomous-

Thank you for your comment whoever you are. Gotta love those anonymous comments. I have yet to find any scientific data that supports the "born gay" theory. I believe it is a choice just like being fat was a choice for me. I know that some people have a higher risk of being fat than others but I believe that I became FAT because I ate to much just like I believe that people are gay by choice. And its OK for you to have a different opinion then me.

"So much judgment from a person who does not want to be judged.
Didn't you put your own baby up for adoption because you expected he would be "brown"? Your kids are on anti-depressants, you feed them horribly unhealthy food, your daughter has suicidal thoughts on a regular basis and lies to you constantly and you're all worried about THE GAYS? Really? So it's OK to be a racist but it's not OK to be gay. Oh my. Perhaps you should try to fix what's going on in your own house before you start judging people who have nothing to do with you (and probably could care less what you think of them anyway
" anonomous-

This above comment really makes me laugh. I think I know who this person is because the things she mentioned I have never mentioned on my blog. (Hi Bethany) No I did not give up my son because he was going to be "brown." You obviously don't know me that well. Yes I am sure my children lie to me as I am sure you lied to your parents when you were younger. I am not racist. I am far from it in fact. I'm not sure how I became racist by talking about the gays. I was simply voicing my frustration about how our society thinks.

Lets not loose sight of the fact that I am the one who started a PUBLIC blog and was open and honest about getting pregnant ON PURPOSE after knowing the man for only two months, then deciding that I couldn't take care of my child and giving him up for adoption. I think that I am NOT afraid to be judged. Im so sick of people saying "dont judge me." Im ALLOWED to judge people based on their actions (or fruits), just as you are ALLOWED to judge me by my actions or fruits (fruits of the spirit).

Yesterday was the first day I opened up the comments on my blog and did not moderate them. Anyone and everyone was allowed to post and that is why you see all the nasty comments. I just didn't post them before. Needless to say, I know that I am a screw up. I know that I am a Christian. Guess what? God loves the screw ups. All throughout the Bible He uses people just like me to do amazing things. I have another secret for you...we are all screw ups. The Bible talks about how "our righteousness is like filthy rags." (Isaiah 64:6) What that means is that our best is still nothing better then a dirty rag. We are sinful people by nature. Someone being gay is no different then me over eating. But because we are saved, Gods grace makes us pure inside and worthy to even walk in his presents.

So, even though I am not perfect...well I am perfect....a perfectly good screw up (LOL), I am going to try to teach my kids NOT to be. Does that make sense? But regardless, my kids will mess up and they will lie to me. They will make bad choices and fall down. In the end, I believe they are going to make wonderful adults. I believe they are all sewing their wild seeds early. I cant wait to see what they become!

I'm so thankful for all the comments left on my last post. Don't you love the internet? You are free to come and go as you please. You are free to voice your opinion on your own blog or someone else's. You are free to be close minded or opened. We are free to love or to tear down. I think Ive seen a little bit of it all today.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Do you LOVE it?

I really love my new blog. I have no time to post right now but I am desperate to. Maybe tonight Ill be able to put the kids to bed and have some quiet blog time. Cant wait!!!!

THANK YOU KELSEY for designing my blogs. I absolutly LOVE them!!! You rock!!!!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

10 days! UPDATED!!

Click here to see the LAUNCH of my weight loss blog!!

My three big kids leave for Arizona in ten short days. Every year at this time the entire previous year comes crashing down on me. Its funny how you doing REALLY appreciate something until its almost gone. Now I do appreciate my kids but I think in the hum drum of life things become monotone and you just go with the flow. That i until you have ten days left with your kids.

I know, I know. They will be back but that doesn't stop the questions from rolling through my mind. Did I hug them enough? Did I love them enough? Did I kiss them enough? Truly, when you become a mom your life is forever changed. You don't think for yourself, or do for yourself, or be with yourself. Your life completely becomes "for the kids."

I don't mind it. In fact I wanted it. I didn't dream of becoming a movie star or an astronaut. When I dreamed, I dreamed of being a mom. My dreams most certainly came true.

Today I wanted to do a photo shoot with my kids. I'm about to launch a new weight loss blog and it will mirror this blog so I wanted to capture some new pictures of the kids. I had some grand idea that my header would be two of the kids all laying on the grass in a circle and I would be above them taking a picture of their smiling faces. The second picture that would sit right beside that one would be me looking over at them. Sigh!! Things don't always go as planned.
After getting this shot...
and this shot....

my idea was scrapped because it was "said" by the children that the sun was to bright and they couldn't open their eyes. Sigh!!

I did manage to catch a few good pictures. I am hoping that soon you will be able to see it on my new weight loss blog!!! Also as an added bonus (I'm so so excited) this blog will also get a new makeover. I am so excited to keep both blogs going. One to document my life as a mom and birth mom and hopefully offer support to others, and the other to document my journey to "finding my skinny," and also offer help and support to others who I know are struggling.

In the meantime, I am trying to enjoy the kids. I realize that every moment is important. I already miss them!

Friday, May 14, 2010

New blog!

Ive been debating starting a weight loss blog for a long time. I actually did start it but never posted it. You can see it on my dashboard. To be truthful, I was a little embarrassed to start it. If I was going to start a weight loss blog then I was going to go full throttle on it and hold no bars back. I want it to be relatable and I want to be successful. Up until now its been all talk for me and so I didn't want to start something that I couldn't finish.

I'm feeling pretty confident that I am in the right mind set to start this now. I'm hoping that I'm not the only one out there that needs to loose weight. I know I have a lot of wonderful readers. Are you all skinny? Or are some of you fat overweight like me? Well Id like to know how many of you would follow me on my journey. I'm going to need LOTS of support. Ill let you know when its fully up and running, but you can view what little I do have here. Its tentatively called "experiment on melting fat." I also don't have the design of it done so its a REALLY bright yellow. LOL

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Chocolate truffle coffee!

Loosing weight is a very difficult thing. If you have never had a problem with weight then you can compare it equally to trying to quit smoking, or trying to quit cussing...well you get my drift. I'm actually doing pretty good but it really is the most challenging thing I have ever had to do as far as breaking a habit.

My only saving grace is in the morning or before bed I will treat myself to some home made chocolate truffle coffee. Oh my goodness! It is a little piece of heaven in a coffee cup! It makes me feel like I had desert without all the calories and with NONE of the guilt. With ten pounds down I feel like I'm on a roll.

In other news: I'm ready for a blog makeover. I feel like I have outlived this design. It was fun and wonderful for awhile but it is time for something very simple but colorful. I'm not sure how or when, but hopefully soon, my blog will change. I will probably change the name as well. Ill probably call it something like "There lived an old lady who lived in a shoe, she had so many kids she didn't know what to do." Well, maybe that title is to long, but I do get a kick out of it.

It is almost time for the kids to leave for Arizona. This time last year I was very pregnant. My summer was to consist of having a baby, recuperating, and then getting a job. I accomplished all of that, despite thinking I wouldn't. This summer I plan to NOT have any babies. (grin) Seriously though, I plan to loose a lot of weight, focus on me a little more and prepare for the kids to come home after that.

It will most certainly be a different summer then the last one. I'm really looking forward to it. Can you believe that half the year is almost gone? Life does move on!

P.S. (What does P.S. stand for anyway?)Thank you all for your comments on my last post. I'm glad I'm not alone.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Inside of me.

Have you ever sobbed? I'm not talking about little whimpering cries that you might have when you are sad or feeling some other emotion. I mean HEAVING sobs that come deep down as if it were not you that was crying but your very inner soul? I experienced that after Ty was born. For about two to three days straight my heaving sobs continued day and night. I had no control over them. They came even when tears ran out. I had a continuous lump in my throat for weeks.

Time went on and I felt better. In fact after Ty was born and the weeks went on I cried less and less until I rarely cried at all. I felt that it was all to easy. Why were my other birth mom friends still sad (I mean really sad) months later and I wasn't.

This afternoon when I came home from work I clicked on Rebekah's blog (as I frequently do) and was pleasantly surprised to see a new mothers day blog post. Oh my heart soared as I read it. Her and her husbands happiness, Ty's happiness. It was a great post, but then, the heaving sobs came again. I felt them come from the very bottom of my belly and again as if they were coming from my inner being. They feel like they are rolling out of me, the sadness, the loss. I found myself asking if this was normal. Why would I be so sad when I am so happy about how things are now? Why at a moments notice would I be smiling and then the sobs begain again almost a year later?

Is this normal?

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mothers day!

I must be five years old in this picture!

I grew up in a family of four. It contained mom, dad, me and my sweet sister. Our little family of four was small but perfect for us. I secretly always wanted a brother but when I figured out that was never going to happen then I was content with my one sister which afforded me the opportunity to have my own room and other privileges that otherwise wouldn't be there with more siblings.

I remember many a mother day's. Me and my sister always had a plan. Often times it would include making breakfast in bed for my mom. We had no idea how to cook pancakes but we sure tried. Later I found out that pancakes included a few more ingredients then just flower and water, but we would never know (even to this day) that my mom didn't completely finish her plates of flower water pancakes. She was always thankful.

I love my mom. She raised me with lots of hugs and kisses and even though I would push her away many times in my life, not one time would she deny me her love. She always had my best interest in mind and I love her for that.

Now I'm a mom. I sit here on this beautiful mothers day. Everyone (save Skyler) is still sleeping. Ive celebrated many mothers days in my fourteen years of motherhood, but I'm not thinking of myself this morning. What truly makes me smile THIS mothers day is thinking about someone else that is celebrating HER first mothers day. I wish I was with her to give her a big hug.

So today, I celebrate my mom and Rebekah. Thank you mom for being a wonderful mother to me, and thank you Rebekah for being such a wonderful mother to our little boy.


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Making it all work!!

I have about three weeks left with my big kids before they leave for Arizona to be with their dad and Grandma. I cant believe we have another school year under our belts. I feel unbelievably accomplished that we made it through the year. The children have learned some hard lessons this year. From theft to smoking to the accusation of doing drugs...from bad attitudes and threats of suicide and running away...from finding Gods grace and forgiveness. My children are still alive and healthy and ready to start the next year of school. Sigh! What a whirlwind!

As for me, I feel worn out. That's not an uncommon feeling for me this time of year. The kids leaving for Arizona is both happy and sad for me. So many thoughts run through my head...did I love them enough? Was I grumpy all the time? Will they miss me? How much will I cry when they are gone? The thoughts are endless. On one hand, I desperately need the break. I don't do much beyond go to work and then come home to the kids for most of the entire year, so for the kids to be gone is a much needed break....but....they are an extension of me no matter how tired I am at the end of the day and I will miss them.

My job continues to go.....OK? I love what I do. The patients are amazing. I love making them smile. I love setting appointments and filing charts and dictating doctors notes. I'm really really good at most of my job, but at the really detailed parts I'm not so good.....YET!!! I continue to get coached and talked to and warned that I need to improve. I thank God that he has given me the opportunity to work in a doctors office. I never thought that I would get this opportunity; however, the job still is not officially mine. I still have to prove myself every single day. Sometimes it is exhausting.

My weight continues to be an issue. My feet hurt. I struggle to turn over in bed because of the weight of my body. I decided to try a new angle. My mind set seems to be really good and so I am trying the Mayo diet. So far (within three days) I have lost about two pounds. I'm not making any promises, I'm just going to take it one day at a time. I need to loose weight and get healthier. Already it feels good to make changes. We will see where it leads me.

My mind is on Tyrus a lot. I'm constantly looking over to Rebekah's blog to see how he is doing. I long for my phone calls with Rebekah. I remember every day what it felt like to hold him and kiss his little head. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to see him in person. I am a lucky lucky girl (except I really don't believe in luck but what other word do you use?)

I am blessed beyond measure. I still kinda hate my hair. My puppy is growing like a weed, and the trees are blooming. Whats next?