Do you ever have those moments where you catch yourself daydreaming....staring out into space and then all of a sudden you sigh and say to yourself "time to get back to reality."
Ive been doing that so much lately. Maybe its because Im almost forty...or maybe because Im tired. Im not really sure but It has made me think a lot. Its really hard for me to put into words my thoughts and feelings lately. I have so many blog posts started....saved...and never published. Every time I sit and try to write it sounds stupid and it doesn't flow right. I'm trying to figure out what is off balance in me or my life. I hope I can get rid of this writers block soon.
My Grandma died a few days ago. This was my Grandma on my dads side. The newest great grand children lovingly called her GiGi but to me she was always Grandma. I spent many summers with her growing up. I remember her always being loving and she always encouraged us to stay close to the Lord and to always aim for Heaven. In her later years, every chance she could get to encourage us to stay in church she could. Her faith was her main priority. She loved her kids, and her grand kids and I think she took a special liking to all her many many great grandchildren. From what I can come up with I am quite certain that she had at least 18 great grandchildren, and this included any great grandchildren that she obtained through adoption or marriage including my birth sons new brothers and sisters. She knew all there names and birthdays and she would send them hand made birthday cards every year there birthdays would come around. She died peacefully early Sunday morning. Even though we were all expecting it, as she had recently been moved to hospice, it was still extremely sad and we were all moved with emotion at the loss we felt.
My daydreaming often falls to memories of Grandma and the time she gave to all of us and I wonder if we all gave back to her the way she gave to us? I find myself feeling so guilty and sad that I didnt take the time to love her enough or show her how I cared. She lived far away but even her distance didnt stop her from loving on others.
Lately, I have been struggling with a lot of guilt over things I have failed to do with loved ones in the past, including my children. I long for the day when I can let go of those feelings I feel of loss and guilt over the things I should have done better to show my love towards others and move on to more productive things. I have so many around me now that could use my love and attention and I think......no I KNOW I am capable of so much more than I was before.
One of my goals this year is to practice love...to reach out to those I love more and let them know how important they are to me and to try (this will be a work in progress) to let go of the things I can not change from the past. The past is gone....time to build a new future.