Sailing my way through...

So sad

2012-02-01T04:41:00.000-08:00

Im so sad to hear that Mcmama's husband has left her. What in the world is going on???? This will be on my mind all day today. Being a single mom is not easy....

Feelings

2011-12-12T20:21:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here in my quiet house...thinking. The boys are asleep and I am left with my thoughts.

Today was a good day. We received a delivery of about 500 toys and I had the great pleasure of sorting through them and then giving them out to about 150 precious children. The sorting and giving took most of my morning at work. It left me happy and fulfilled and again thanking God for giving me such a wonderful job.

I think I have mentioned that I work for a daycare center. I work behind the receptionist desk and I fill many rolls. One of the small things I do is give the teachers bathroom breaks when they need it. They step out of the classroom and I step in. Today it was the toddler teacher that needed a break, so I stood in her classroom. It was the end of nap time and there were four todds still sleeping and one awake. As I was standing there she just stared at me with her big blue eyes. I just kept looking at her...she has beautiful light red hair and could pass for a precious moments doll. I couldn't stand her laying there awake....so I reached out my arms and she got off her nap time cot and walked into my arms. I lifted her off the ground and she wiggled her head into my shoulder and just stayed there. I thought back to before I became a birth mom....I always loved children and I would always hug them...but now its not the same. When I hold these precious little ones (who are the same age as Tyrus) it makes me feel like a delicate flower...beautiful on the outside...but so fragile on the inside. The difference now is that these babies are in my arms expecting me to hold them up and not drop them....but what they don't know is that I am depending on them to hold me...to hold my heart so it doesn't break. I am so grateful that I work in the place that I do. I can miss Tyrus...grieve my losses...and then hold a precious two and a half year old...and be grateful for how things turned out. Its a wild mix of emotions that nobody could possibly understand unless they have gone through it.

Its been a long time since I have opened my heart on this blog. I think I needed a break from the emotion of it all. So many things have changed in my life...good and bad. I desperately miss my girls, and I know that the distance between me and them will not change for a very long time. I try to remember that my girls do not belong to only me...but to everyone that loves them and I am grateful that everyone has pitched in to make their lives better. In case anyone was wondering, the girls are doing great....but of course...that doesn't change the fact that my heart longs to be with them again.

A year ago If I had one wish, I would have wished for my life to be steady. I'm tired of the big changes and adjustments that I have had to make. Now, a year later, I think I'm reaching a steady point. Ive been dating (in old fashioned terms "going steady") the same guy for over four months. He is 44 and a retired Captain in the Army. I don't blog about it because I am scared that if I talk about it too much then something will change and I wont have HIM anymore. Am I screwed up or what???? That's what happens to a girl that cant make things stick...or I should say...cant make men stick. But, I decided to face my fears and talk a little bit about it. I will say that this man, that I can now call my boyfriend...is a really really good man. He does what he says he is going to do, and he takes care of me and the boys.

So...for now, I am enjoying NOT being single...I'm trying not to worry about what might or might not be around the corner leaving me alone again. When I get sad or depressed I pull out the old whisky bottle and drown out my sorrows...LOL. I'M TOTALLY KIDDING!!! I am not a drinker (except a glass of wine here or there).

I love this saying...and I refer to it a lot:
"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've would've happened...or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the heck on."

Of course you could insert a stronger word in place of "heck" but I'm just not the cussing kind....LOL.

Take care!!

My birthday

2011-10-20T05:46:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I turned 36. I worked all day and went home to a home cooked meal that my mom brought over. I am so thankful that my mom was so thoughtful of my schdule and didnt want me to have to cook. Thanks mom!!

I did work all day (ten hours), but received many wonderful surprises while I was working. My mom brought me a very beautiful fall flower arrangment, my best friend also brought me flowers and this wonderful painting (that she did herself). Isnt it beautiful?

Rebekah and Ben and Ty sent me an Etible Arrangments....which is so yummy!! It was the first time I had received one of those so that was really fun.

I also was sent a video from our sweet Ty. Its always so much fun to see him on video since we live so far from each other. This video was different as I imagine all the future videos will be because he is growing so fast and talking more and more. I felt so blessed while watching it because Ty calls me his "first mom." Now no two and a half year old would naturally know that he has two moms or that he was adopted...but this one knows...and seems to know it so naturally that his very special story just flows off his tongue. The reason that little Ty knows his story so well at such an early age is because his parents tell him his story all the time. They want him to know where he came from. I can claim no credit for what this little boy knows, I can only say that I grew him in my belly and gave him a chance at a very loving productive life....I hold his beginnings...Rebekah and Ben hold his future and ultimately God holds him in His hands. Ty's parents keep me alive in Ty's life. Its obvious they talk about me all the time. He remembers me from when I went to visit...I couldn't ask for more. I wanted to post this video here but I couldnt figure out how. It is so incredibly sweet.

Thank you sweet Ty for my birthday video. I love you very much!!!!!

Everything is fine

2011-09-15T18:27:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! I must make this short but I wanted to check in. Things are going well. The kids are all doing great. Im doing wonderful and am dating a very very nice man. We have been dating for a little over a month now. Im very happy.

My weight loss as it stands is 202-203 depending on the day and that is a grand total of 117 pounds lost. GO ME!!!!!! Im in a size 14 pants and I can wear a size Large shirt in womens. Im feeling good.

I know many of you read Rebekah's blog. One of the main reasons Im posting this is because I have received many texts and comments from people that are worried about my son because Rebekah voiced some concerns about one of "Ty's older sibling (brothers)" that is having a hard time. I assure you that it is not one of my boys. Ty has brothers from my kids and his birth father kids and it is unfortunatly on the birth fathers side. Of course the situation is very sad and so if you are the praying type please pray for this boy as he needs it.

Blogging has certainly taken a back seat since I have sent the girls to their dads and started dating. It is a new chapter in my life but I am certain I will be back at it soon as I have so much to share.

For now I am enjoying the upcoming Fall that I feel in the air, and life is pretty good.

Until next time,
Rebekah

My visit to see Tyrus...

2011-07-09T12:03:00.000-07:00

I know how long overdue this is. Its funny how life can just fly by and I notice that I feel like I am so busy that I don't take the time to do the things that used to bring me so much joy like reading and blogging. I miss it here!

I'm doing well. My life centers around the boys and work and loosing weight...and lately a tad bit of dating.

I did make it out to see Rebekah and Ben and Tyrus. I got more and more excited as the day approached. Care for the boys was set...time off work was scheduled and my bags were packed. The day came and what I thought was going to be a quick 4.5 hour flight to Michigan turned out to be a tear filled frustrating day. To make it short...after ALL day waiting and three different flights...I finally arrived in Michigan around midnight (a whole day wasted). I went to baggage claim to collect my bags only to find out that because of all my delays and switched flights, my bags were missing. Sometimes in life you just have to laugh...and I'm not sure me and Rebekah laughed that night but in retelling the story later we sure did. I did eventually get my bags delivered to Rebekah's house...but not until the night before I left. Nice hugh? LOL

What mattered most was that I made it there. What mattered most was the amazing moments I had with this wonderful family.

I bought Ty an airplane at the airport while I was waiting. He loved it. It made take off noises and I found that I could make him laugh if I made it fly across the coffee table and crash onto the floor. I think I did that for him 100 times.

We went to a dairy farm. Ty couldn't say Rebekah. It came out more like Helga. I laughed and giggled every time he called me Helga. It didn't bother me at all. Every time we were in the car I could hear him behind me from the back seat say "HHHEEEELLLLGGAAAA," in his sweet almost two year old voice. He would call me and call me until I would look back and make a funny face at him.

It was cold and rainy that day, but we didn't care. Ben had to work so it was Rebekah me and Ty...staying warm...smiling a lot.

This fountain was beautiful. We were able to get someone to take our picture.

We had a big family get together so everyone could meet me and I could meet them. All these people who sent me cards and gifts and well wishes I could finally meet in person. It was such a wonderful time. The lost day meant nothing at this point...we were all laughter and giggles.

The last evening came. It was time for Ty to say goodnight. I must have read him eight books in his room....just he and I. Rebekah and Ben didn't come in the room...they just left us alone. It was a gift to me and one I wont forget.

Saying good night for the last time.
I wondered if he would get up the next morning and yell HELGA down the stairs as he had the past morning only to realize I was gone....and that made me sad.
Sweet kisses, from this sweet boy!
It was a wonderful trip. Rebekah and Ben treated me like family....because we are family. I was never uncomfortable, never felt awkward, just loved. We didn't cry except when we were reminiscing about the beginning of Ty's life. It wasn't as hard as I thought to say goodbye because I knew I would see him again...although today as I type this I am holding back the tears....I miss them all so much!!

Before I left Rebekah said to me "When can you come back?" I'm so blessed!!!

Questions and answers...

2011-05-16T15:59:00.000-07:00

This is questions and answers by Rebekah and Rebekah...enjoy!!!!

quite an adventure!

2011-05-14T17:13:00.000-07:00

I'm on my way to see Ty. My adventure started out at five oclock this morning and is far from being over. Lets just say that when you are sitting in an airport getting ready to board but the plane has not arrived and you hear the lady behind the front counter say "I think we are going to need more cookies," there is something very wrong. More to come......

Rose

2011-04-14T17:42:00.001-07:00

Ok, point taken. Thanks!

Comes with the territory!

2011-04-13T19:49:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was pregnant with Skyler and had just made the choice to leave his dad. At only three months pregnant with three other little ones tagging along I was scared to death. I couldn't believe that I was about to start from scratch yet again. It seems to be a pattern in my life...one that I don't like repeating.

When Skyler was born I had pretty much lost touch with his dad. I spoke to him one last time when Sky was about three weeks old. We had to talk about the divorce and taxes and things like that. The conversation was short and I could tell he was mad at me. He made it clear that I was in the wrong and that I should never have left him. The last thing he said to me was "I hope nothing bad happens to him. You made a bad choice and I just hope nothin bad happens to him." I had heard this man say things like this about other people that he was mad at. He on several occasions wished people bad luck or death or he would threaten to put nails in peoples tires. He would voice his ill wishes towards people and the anger that spilled off of his lips was enough to make me hurl. I had heard him talk like this a lot but I had never imagined that he would wish his own son ill will. His words towards our son ring in my ears often.

Skyler has never met his dad. I have sent pictures only to have them returned. I don't have his phone number or address. Skyler is fatherless, and has been since birth.

Life has been really hard for Skyler. His behavior at school shows it. Somehow between birthing him and raising him to five years old I have failed in some way. At least that is how I feel. He is five years and three months old. He can say his ABC's, count over twenty in English and count to about fifteen in Spanish. He knows left and right and can ride a bike without training wheels. These are just a few of the things about him I love...but mostly...he is so loving and constantly tells me "mom...I love you so much." But the problem is he wont sit in time out at school or be still in circle time or story time. He has a fit when they try to put him in time out and I cant figure out what is going on with my kid. Is it because he doesn't have a father? Is it because I have been so distracted with the girls and their issues or getting pregnant and the adoption or finding a job and loosing it just to start another one.....and maybe he fell through the cracks? What is it? What have I done wrong? What could I have done different?

Thoughts run through my head all day long. It makes me mad. I should have still been married and a stay at home mom and then my children would have received all the time and attention they deserved. My son shouldn't be in daycare being cared for by strangers that he cant relate to. I shouldn't be away from my five year old for eleven hours a day. Its not right...its not natural for me...yet...its life. I didn't plan for this. I feel responsible. I feel like I'm being punished for the wrong choices I made although I know in my heart that its really just consequences for bad choices made...but it still don't make it fare for my fatherless child.

I just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The future again seems uncertain. I work at a daycare center but because of Skyler's behavior they lovingly asked me to find another place for him to attend. In compliance and because I adore my job, I did as they asked. He starts at the new center on Friday. I have tomorrow off and I will be loving on my son and spending as much time as I can with him. Come Friday, he will start yet again a new adventure. Because he wont be coming to work with me anymore, his time at the center will be extended about forty minutes because of my travel time. That's eleven hours and forty minutes a day at a daycare center with strangers watching him. I'm so incredibly sad I cant stop crying.

I put on a pretty face and smile big though. Nobody needs a cry baby, and God knows that it isn't fun to deal with a sad person...so down it goes. Sometimes I get so lonely although I'm never alone with my two precious boys. Its such a huge responsibility to raise children with two parents let alone one. Again I lean on God. I lean on his promises that "He will be the father to the Fatherless." My son needs that. I know this season of our lives will pass and we will survive...but the surviving part is excruciating. Sometimes I feel I will break in two and that I'm only being held together by small strings. The joy of the Lord is my strength...the joy of the Lord is my strength. I need your strength Lord.

The countdown begins...

2011-03-27T16:52:00.000-07:00

I have a HUGE announcement to make. Are you ready for it????? I am flying out to see Tyrus and his momma and daddy in about seven weeks. WHOOP WHOOP!!! I'm beyond excited. Normally they would come out here on there vacation but I have been wanting to go out there and now that Ty is older, he is is a bit more active, and it would be challenging for them to travel. Boy can I relate to that. When my kids were younger I would fly out to visit my parents and I truly thought the plane would never land. I got the the point where I would only fly on the red eyes (late at night) so that hopefully the kids would sleep through the four hour flight. (sigh)

This trip is extra special to me. I actually get to fly to Ty's home state by myself. I LOVE my kids but my five year old is a little high maintenance. Ive never been able to spend time with Ty and his family without my little ones running around. I don't feel like Ive ever really had a chance to enjoy Tyrus. I will only be there for three days but I plan on soaking up every minute of it. I CANT WAIT!!!

My girls are doing good. My oldest was just here in Colorado for a week. She didn't stay with me, she stayed with my mom. I thought she wouldn't want to see me but it turned out to be an amazing week of hugging and laughing and visiting. She didn't want to go back...but she did...and it was a horrible sad goodbye again. I hate her being away, but it is the best thing for now. My second oldest daughter is doing wonderful. Here daddy and step-mom are taking wonderful care of her. I talk to her about three times a week and she seems very happy.

Life has settled down over here. Having just the boys is different and has taken some adjustment. Life is certainly not perfect. I'm constantly having to tell Matthew that life does not have to rule him...but that he can rule his life. I tell him not to let the sad things he has gone through determine his moods or his path to happiness, but to instead look to God and to rise above his circumstances. He gets it....sometimes.

I am OK. I am dabbling into dating here and there. The dating world is not friendly. I'm constantly watching my back and wondering "whats the point," but I then remember that I deserve to be happy. Somehow someday, I will find a man who is trustworthy. I love the song by Michael Buble called "Haven't met you yet." You can listen to it below. One of the lyrics goes:

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid that I'll give so much more than I get
I just havent met you yet

So, I wait for love...although it seems Ive been waiting for true love all my life, kinda like the princes in "tangled." Although I dont like kid movies, I ended up enjoying this one very much. Love truly is a universal language and everyone is looking for it...so why is it so hard to find?

OVERDUE!!

2011-03-12T23:29:00.000-08:00

I just posted on my weight loss blog. I am so overdue to post here. I will get around to it. In the meantime, there is an interview that I did with Rebekah here. But please when your done...wiggle your way back over here and see some better pictures of me. UGGGG!! I love that that picture is with Rebekah and Ty, but I sure looked awful!!! The GOOD news is, I'm planning a trip to go see Ty, Rebekah, and Ben in May. Details to follow!!!!!!!

MckMama without pitty?

2011-02-13T05:17:00.000-08:00

Ive wanted to blog about this for a long time but haven't taken the time to do it. Ive been a follower of MckMama for a long time. I think her blog is a story of sorrow and healing and victory. I think she blogs the truth, loves the Lord with all her heart, and isn't afraid to show it. I have a lot of respect for her. Her children are precious and her photography is amazing. More on MckMama in a minute.

I am also a follower of MWOP which stands for "MckMama without pity." I am not actually a follower but I pop in here and there because it astounds me, but not in a good way. This blog was put together for one soul purpose...to destroy MckMama. Why do I even care about this you ask? Well, truly I don't really care that much about it but it is sad that these people put so much time and attention into destroying one person. Seriously? If you visit this blog its crazy to see how many comments are posted under each post. They number in the thousands. I cant imagine how much gossip and slander and lies these people are conversing about. Its destructive, a waste of time, and truly holds no purpose.

Mckmama started blogging before her little Stellan was born. Stellan was born with a heart condition and was not supposed to live....but he did. We all blog here in the blog world. Most of us blog about the trials in our lives or the tragedies that we are going through. Most of our blogs don't get much attention, we don't receive many comments, yet we still blog because its therapeutic. Jennifer's blog; however, did become popular and she did receive offers for adds that offered the chance to make money. What would you do if you had the chance to make money just for blogging? Would you do it? I sure as heck would. Bring me a chance to blog and make money, id take it any day. Its funny how jealousy can bring such hatred like I see on the blog MWOP. Jennifer is a great writer and now she makes money doing it, but she gets pounded into the ground for doing it as well. Cant we just sit back and enjoy her sweet family?

I'm not an eloquent writer like MckMama or my sweet Rebekah. I put my thoughts out there but they are usually jumbled around like a scrabble game. Its very refreshing to visit blogs that actually make sense, and are easy to read. I support MckMama. She is frail and week just like the rest of us. She is human and fails just like the rest of us. It only because of God living in us that we have even a semblance of goodness in us. Why do we need to gossip and tear down?

Early morning thoughts.

2011-02-13T03:56:00.000-08:00

Ive never been one to like sleeping to much. I sleep because I have to but even in my sleep I long to get up and start a new day. No matter what the day, I always wake up at 5:00am. I love the mornings. I tip toe around the house trying not to wake the kids while I brew my coffee and enjoy the silence. Its my favorite part of the day.

Wednesday was officially one year since Tyrus was legally adopted. That day was such a happy day for everyone. We always knew that Ty was part of Ben and Rebekah's family the moment I decided on adoption, but this just put a little cherry on the Sunday (if you know what I mean). So we celebrate one year of our families coming together. The looks of happiness and tears of joy I see on Rebekah and Ben's faces are priceless to me. Every moment I see their faces reminds me of the choice I made and I don't regret it. You cant go back and change the past...I cant make the sadness always disappear, but I can soak in the joy that Ty always brings. I do get sad, but not for long...after all....there is still Skype. (wink)

I miss my girls desperately. If I think about it to much I cant stop from crying. I am really good at suppressing emotions. If I let my mind wonder to what has been lost then my heart sinks so far down into dispare that I have to look up and start talking to God to bring me back. Dispare is such a trap. You have to be so careful not to stay in that emotion to long or it will destroy you. I have to remember the reasons I let the girls go, they are happy, well taken care of, and I have not truly lost them...its just distance. I did have a really fun time making them Valentines packages. I don't have a boyfriend...but I do have four little valentines in my life. I'm so blessed!!!!

I'm moving...again (sigh). With the girls gone I don't need such a large place so I am downsizing. Pictures and bragging rights to come....because...Im finally getting my hard wood floors. I couldn't be more excited!!!

Well, before the little ones wake up, I'm going to go make some coffee!!

Skype and Ty!!

2011-01-24T20:41:00.001-08:00

I got to talk to Tyrus on Skype this weekend. It was so precious to see him moving and talking at the same time. Every time I get a picture or a new hand tracing in the mail, I look at the pictures a hundred times, and I trace his sweet little hand with my finger, and I cherish them...but somehow seeing him in real life is priceless to me. I'm loving Skype!!! Thanks Rebekah!

Things seem to be almost normal around here...if you can call my life normal (which I wouldn't). I guess what I mean is we are falling into a routine. I still feel like my head is swimming with all the changes in my life but I'm dealing with it and the fog is lifting.

Most of the time everyone is very supportive around here. The comments I get are uplifting and very encouraging. Thank you everyone!! I don't post all the comments. I get a few really negative ones that I know were just meant to take hits at my person...and I figure that nobody else needs to read them. So to those who are mean to me through their words...thank you for being honest. I do take your words with a grain of salt though. Until you have lived in my shoes, I suggest you do not judge my life choices.

Good or bad, I welcome all the comments. I'm trying to be true to myself, honest with myself, real with myself...and sometimes it can look really ugly when you really look at your own heart. Its filled with nasty ugly things that you would rather hide. I'm so grateful that God is bigger then my sin and all my ugliness. I'm so glad that HE lives inside me and that what people can see is the joy that floods out of me that only comes from God. I'm truly nothing without HIM! The more the years go by that scripture that says "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" comes to a BLARING reality for me. I struggle with guilt for the things I do wrong, and then I remember the scriptures and the promises they offer me and I am held at peace that I am still loved despite my sinful nature.

I'm still growing and maturing. When you are little you think "If only I was a grown up" and then you become a "grown up" and you realize that your really not yet grown on the inside. Life is sure a process of learning and living and falling down and getting up....and growing old and wise. I'm not afraid to get old...as long as I'm wise to go with the old. I don't want to grow old alone though so I sure hope I can find a HOT guy to get old with. LOL Yeah Yeah!!!! I know!!! I'm a fruit cake...but I'm just keeping it real.

Later gator!!!

The dark ages!

2011-01-19T20:50:00.001-08:00

Are you all telling me that American Idol was on this week? Are you really saying that I didn't see one advertisement, read one ad about try outs, or see one preview of one of my favorite shows? SERIOUSLY!?!?!

What the heck is going on that I haven't watched TV in weeks and weeks? LOL It cracks me up. I seriously need to watch more TV. OK please tell me this was the first week and I haven't missed to much!!!!

Ive been working, spending time with my boys, and Zumba(ing) my way to skinny, and haven't stopped to sit down much less hear about AI.

Fill me in ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!

The ugly!!

2011-01-10T21:06:00.000-08:00

My life looks pretty ugly right now. I'm trying to make the best of it but its pretty difficult. Normally on my blog I'm pretty upbeat, but not tonight. The ugly of it all is that my family is not together anymore. I can hardly blog about it, and as you can see I have avoided this blog for several weeks. Is it OK to just tell it how it is? Ugly!! Sad!! Hopeless feeling!! It better be OK because Ive decided to share.

My girls have moved to another state with their dads side of the family. I let them go. There were no custody battles...or fights...in fact I retain full custody, but the truth is that paperwork and words like "custody" and "parenting time" don't matter in a child's life, what really matters is what the kids need and there shouldn't be fights. I am blessed to still be part of my ex-husbands family. We consider ourselves family even though we don't have marriage paperwork between us...but we do have children between us and so we both take it very seriously. The facts are that my girls needed to be with or near their dad.

How do you go from having four kids....to two? I try to keep myself busy and occupied all the time so I don't feel the pain of missing my girls...but the pain will not go away. I'm missing two pieces of my heart. Its the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. Keeping myself busy only delays the pain.

Having only two children in my home is quite a different dynamic. My only comfort is that I am able to pour so much more into the boys. I felt constant conflict in myself with the four kids because I was always beating myself up at night asking myself "did I talk to them all enough? did I hug them enough? did I meet all their needs?" It was torture always feeling like a failure because I couldn't keep up.

Ugly is most certainly how my oldest daughter feels about me. Tonight I was joking with her about how she was just like me because the way she was talking just reminded me of myself and she got really really upset. She said she was NOT like me because she would never have given her baby up for adoption....HER BROTHER!!! That's the UGLY part of adoption for me. Thank goodness the good outweighs the bad when it come to Tyrus...but the bad sure looks bad. (side note)I got to talk to Tyrus on the phone tonight. Be still my heart!!!! I love him so much, and he is growing up on us all. (insert sad face)

So in the midst of all the chaos in my life I have been purposeful in spending time with my sweet boys and starting new hobbies. Me and my oldest son have taken up guitar. We are teaching ourselves and I have learned my first song which happens to be "Country Roads" by John Denver....because it was easy. My finger tips have blisters on them from the guitar strings but I don't mind. Singing is my forte and music is my passion so the two go together for me very well. It also takes my mind off the ugly in my life.

Again I ask myself, as I did when I was contemplating adoption...."What kind of mom lets two of her kids leave home at twelve and fourteen?" Except with Ty it was "What kind of mom gives her baby up for adoption?" In my mind then, I felt like I would be a horrible mom for relinquishing him...until I did it, and then I understood the full picture. Now, I'm not sure that I see the blessing in my girls being gone fully, but every day I'm starting to understand.

Its so hard for me not to go back to my early years in my head and wonder what I could have done different so that my family was not ripped apart...but the funny thing about the past...you cant go back and change it, you can only move forward and make it worth it.

That's all I have to say.

Im so mad!!

2010-12-13T06:02:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago when my daughter ran away I was searching every place for her. All our neighborhood friends denied seeing her and promised to call if they did. I trusted that. Imagine my shock when I find out that she has been staying two doors down with a lady that promised she would call me if she saw me. When I look back, I remember speaking to this lady almost every day about my daughter. I remember telling her how much I missed her and just wanted her to come home.

People are so different these days. I remember when I was a little girl riding my bike through the streets of small town Grand Junction, Colorado. All the neighborhood kids were out playing in the creak...all the parents were on the look out for us...and the parents spoke to each other. I remember my mom finding out things that I did that she could not have possibly found out without the help of a neighbor friend. Our parents were networking...sharing information....watching out for us.

Its not like that now. I have had some very good girlfriends disown me for (what I could figure at the time) no apparent reason. Later I would find out that they caught my daughter doing something inappropriate and they assumed I was letting her do it so they decided that they didn't want to be my friend anymore. They didn't stop and talk to me...they didn't GRAB my daughter by the EAR and drag her home and tell me what she had been up to.....no....they just walk by her...give her a dirty look and not tell me. I'M THE PARENT! Why would someone think I would let my kids do those things?

The point is, the parents these days are not networking anymore. You better believe that if I see your kid out smoking or making out or doing inappropriate things...I'M GOING TO TELL YOU! Are we so busy in life now that we cant be concerned for anybody outside our little homes? Don't people know that what other peoples kids do affects our kids as well? It matters...it all matters!

Through a series of events I found out that one of the boys in my daughters school was dealing drugs. I didn't know this boys name, only his code name "Elmo." I started asking around so I could find out who "Elmo" was. I eventually did get his name...sat my happy butt on the computer and pulled up Facebook. Oh how I love facebook. Its the parents guide to who's who. I looked up this kids name and lo and behold he had listed his mom on his facebook. I pulled up everyone in my little town that had her name and started calling everyone of them (at midnight) to see who had a boy by this name. I did find her....and I did tell her. I felt it couldn't wait until morning....it directly affected my children....and it was imperative that she knew RIGHT away. She didn't say much to me. I could hear sorrow and worry in her voice. She said thank you, and I never heard from her again. At that point is was not my problem anymore.

This boy "Elmo" is a bright young man. He playes two instruments, and enjoys some sports. He has a bright bright future, but not while he is on drugs. He isn't my kid, but I care about him.

I'm so so sad how things have turned out the past few years. This is a dog eat dog world for sure. I remember when the kids were little I would say to myself "It will be so nice when they can wipe their own butts." If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't not have thought that. I would gladly go back to that stage if I could protect my kids a little longer from this harsh world. I grew up in the Christian school. I don't feel like I have the skills to defend all the mess the public schools dish out. I feel powerless, alone, sometimes hopeless. I lean on God to get me through. He is my strength, my strong tower.

My advice: Watch out for each other. If you see someone else's kid fall (drugs, sex, smoking, whatever it is), pick them up, drag them home, and TATTLE on them. I know not every parent cares. I see lots of kids just roaming the streets and neighborhoods without supervision...with a cigarette in hand. I know that we cant hold our kids hands forever, and I know things are beyond crazy right now with our youth, but don't pass them by...if you know them, help them, if you don't know them and its in your power to do something, do it!

I wish someone would have helped me! Hold me Jesus! Father hold our children in your arms...dont let go...dont let go!

A shout out!

2010-12-12T06:05:00.000-08:00

I don't highlight peoples blogs very often, but this one is near and dear to my heart. If you could, please go give some love to my sweet friend Carrie. She and her husband are going through a season of hardship right now and she could use some love.

Her blog address is: http://www.reachingupforhope.blogspot.com/.

All the love you all have given me has sure helped. I'm hoping she can get the same love through her brand new blog.

Be back later!

Hello

2010-12-05T07:10:00.000-08:00

Music has been a great distraction for me. I literally feel like Ive been walking around in a fog. Ill just sit at the computer and soak myself in good music. It makes me feel better and more sane. I am so thankful for all your wonderful comments. It does my heart good.

A few weekends ago me and the kids had a photo shoot. I wanted to use the pictures for Christmas presents. Little did I know that I would be sending my oldest to her grandparents house for a while. It made these pictures extra special. We had a great time that day climbing rocks and making funny faces at the camera. We are such a special and unique family. Sometimes I cant believe all this is happening to us. Is it real?

Here are some fun shots from our day!

Another storm....

2010-11-27T17:59:00.001-08:00

Ive blogged about storms before. Ive been through some of the roughest storms that I could ever imagine going through. Ive hit rock bottom...Ive climbed mountains...Ive been through valleys. Isn't it amazing how Gods creation mirrors our lives and our trials? Even the ocean waves mimic the highs and the lows in life.

My daughter is gone. She doesn't want to come home. I will praise you in this storm. She said I'm not her mother anymore and she is living with a new mother. This women that she is staying with is a stranger to me. Ive never met her. She has allowed my daughter (a runaway) to stay in her home. She has not bothered to call me or to contact the police. All this women knows is what my daughter has told her. I will praise you in this storm.

I have been a single mom for eleven years now. Ive begged, borrowed and even been homeless in those eleven years. Ive cherished my motherhood and my (then three) but now four (save Tyrus which makes five) precious children. Ive fought to keep food on the table...worked odd jobs...gotten fired from jobs because of precious sick babies...and even gave one of my sweet babies up for adoption for the good of all of them. And now.....I might have to let another one go. I will praise you in this storm.

When do you waive the white flag? When do you say you have had enough? The answer is never. When you are a mom you never give up, you never say quit. I'm now facing a situation that overwhelms me. I was overwhelmed to began with. I work forty hours a week which leaves little time for dinner and homework. I know that my time with the kids is lacking...but I don't have anyone to pick up the slack. Its just me...me and my four babies. I know that is why my daughter doesn't want to live here. She needs more then I have been able to give her. I'm a good mom, but I'm not enough. My heart is broken....again, its hardly had time to heal from Tyrus. She wants to live with her grandma.

This is ripping my heart out. It is rocking me to my core. It wasnt supposed to be this way. GOD WHERE ARE YOU!!!??

And though my heart is torn...I will praise you in the storm.

She has been gone now for five nights. Please pray!!!!

"Oh God, have mercy on me. I cant take much more."

Rain

2010-11-20T07:34:00.000-08:00

Born in a dry season
Wind and sand have blown through me
Haven't found shade anywhere
Only moments of relief
But sometimes I think I hear the thunder
Somewhere on the horizon line
If i could just find a way to get under
The rain that can reach this soul of mine

I pray for rain to come
And wash away what's made me numb
I pray for a ragging storm
To drown what's in me
And the rain comes in the nick of time
I swallow hard cause my throat's been dry
The rain comes beating on my skin
Till I'm washed away - nothing left within
When the rain comes
(PFR)

Erupting laughter!

2010-10-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

I was so excited to go. It was my first parenting class ever which is kind of ironic since Ive been a mom now for fourteen and a half years. A little to late? I sure hope not. erupting

Me and six of my girlfriends from work all piled into our vehicles and arrived at a college campus where the conference was being held. The first speaker was a lady. If anyone watches CSI, there is a new episode called "Hoarders" and she is the lady who plays the hoarder in the episode. She was very inspirational.

The second speaker spoke on "Love and Logic." By the second hour of his speech I was sold. I just knew that this was how I wanted to start teaching my kids and I listened with my ears WIDE open. Of course two hours is not enough time to soak everything Love and Logic is about so I purposed in my heart to get the book. It was not good news when I found out the book was thirty dollars. Luckily my friend had a copy and let me borrow it that night. I'm on chapter two and still really love it. Its not the kind of thing you can step into easily. Its very intricate and a bit complicated and it has to be a very thoughtful process.

I wanted to share with you my very first attempt at trying this Love and Logic out on my two middle ones who like to fight and bicker. Keep in mind that the kids knew I went to a parenting class and that I brought home a book but I was careful not to share any of my new parenting tricks with them or talk about it in front of them.

Setting the scene:

Victoria and Matt are fighting over God knows what. I'm trying to keep my cool but its really getting on my nerves. Determined to try this new process I think very calmly about my words, take a deep breath, put on my most "tired and exhausted" face...and say....

"All this bickering and fighting is rreeeaaalllyy zapping my energy. Sigh!! (taking a deep breath as if really tuckered out). I'm going to need you both to refill my energy. Please start thinking of things you can do for me to put my energy back."

They both stop their fighting, and just stare at me as I'm still acting reeaally worn out. LOL

I started to walk away when I heard Victoria start giggling. I turned around to see what she was giggling about and she said to me "mom, did you get that out of your new parenting book?"

I immediately felt laughter welling inside me. I said nothing to her, turned around and ran up the stairs as quickly as I could before I exploded in laughter.

It didn't work out the way I had planned. I guess I have to get a little smarter next time. LOL

The monster in me!

2010-10-24T18:47:00.001-07:00

I have SOOOO much to talk about, but that wont happen tonight.

Our pumpkin creations. I think Victoria (middle pumpkin) got a little carried away!

The storms are passing...

2010-10-09T19:18:00.000-07:00

Good things happened today. I was very encouraged by all your comments. You are very right...parenting comes with good and bad times. Me and and two of my kids enjoyed a day of cool weather, movies, and remote control trucks. We took a cool drive up the mountain and enjoyed the changing leaves and beautiful skies. If I wasn't the one driving then I would have snapped some pictures; however, here is a picture of our destination. Isn't it beautiful? I wont go into detail but someone in my family is REALLY enjoying this place right now.
God is good all the time. The hard times outweigh the good times right now in my life, but I have to say that reaching this destination and continuing on through the rest of the day....qualified as good times. I see God working. I don't know how its going to end but I continue to trust that God knows what he is doing....cause sure as heck I sometimes don't.

I didnt sign up for this!

2010-10-08T22:29:00.001-07:00

I always wanted to be a mom. I dreamed about it and could practically taste it. I don't think I was a particularly bad child. I tried my best to do what I was told, and was riddled with guilt when I broke the rules.

My children do not seem to have that same switch that turns on that tells them they have boundaries. They are so different then me. Or maybe they are just like me? I cant figure it out.

Regardless of the circumstance, I didn't sign up for this heartache and pulling and pushing and give and take. Life didn't seem so difficult for me as a child. My parents had their share of heartache, but honestly I think I have triple of what they had. Is it because I have more kids and because I am all alone in this?

I have a brand new view of what "mental health" means. I have a feeling that tomorrow I'm going to get a another dose of what I just went through this last week. I'm not sure I can handle two in a row.

What is it with kids these days? Can they not find any joy in life? What is missing? Life is not that bad. I always tell my kids to try and live ABOVE their circumstances. Yes they come from a broken home, and no they are not rich, but they have so much love and support and things....they have SOOO many things. The problem is, none of that matters when you are talking about "mental health." I have so much to learn.

I didn't sign up for this. I'm overwhelmed, my house is a wreck, I haven't had time to get groceries save the milk I keep buying at Walgreen's because its fast and convenient. I'm just going through the motions hoping it all slows down before it all passes by me. I keep asking God how long we have to wait. How long will we wait before he takes us away. This is no life...the one I'm living. I cant even enjoy these beautiful children I have....no time no time.

STOP!!

So amazing!!

2010-10-06T20:50:00.001-07:00

You all are so amazing. I loved doing that poll. I loved all your comments, and even the negative ones really sparked some emotion in me. I have to give GibsonTwins a little credit...she said something that I absolutely agree with. She said "You're supposed to guide children positively by praising their accomplishments 10x more than you criticize their misgivings." She is absolutely right, and I will be putting that into practice as much as I possibly can. I know that most of GibsonTwins comments to me really upset everyone, but look at the bright side....for some reason she has picked me to pick on. LOL I must be pretty special. (grin)

I have so many things to say but I have to be honest, I am going through some very tough things with one of my kids. I never thought that I would be going through this with any of my kids but I am.

I will not go into much detail but I do want to ask one question and in turn hopefully make a point. It has to do with mental health. I am so confused about the whole ADHD and depression treatments that they use. They say that these two diagnoses are treatable with a different assortment of medications and they say the medications are used to correct a chemical imbalance in our brains. My question is, why in the heck do they medicate our children (and some adults) with these medications without actually testing to see if there is ACTUALLY a chemical imbalance? How can a doctor really diagnose a person (child or adult) without some actual proof of an imbalance?

Can someone explain this to me?

I am truly truly exhausted but I had to come and spend a few minutes with you wonderful people. Most days I am very weary emotionally, but then Ill get a text on my phone at work that another person has commented on my blog and I get so excited and uplifted by your words. I read your comments all day long even while at work. I sure love all of you!!!!!!
Thank you!!!!!!!!!

What say you?

2010-10-04T19:52:00.001-07:00

I have had my share of hair dying disasters. There have been times while dying my own hair that I have turned around and found a splatter or two on the wall. Let me tell you, that stuff does not come off.

Not long ago I bought some hair dye for Victoria. I intended on doing it for her because she had her hair dyed blond at some point this summer and she wanted it back to her normal color. I had told the girls that they needed to wait for me to do any hair dying. That stuff is so splattery and it gets on everything. Needless to say, they did not wait for me. I walked in the bathroom and there was hair dye on the carpet, on the sink and on a very nice hand towel that my deceased Aunt had given me. I was livid. I again reminded them that they were NOT to do this again without asking.

SOOOOOOO, tonight I walk in the bathroom to another very nice towel ruined due to one of the children (I wont mention names) not asking to dye their hair AGAIN. Seriously? Im thinking that this certain child has some of her/his own money and I just might take a bit of it and go buy another towel.

What would you do?

Remember when I was bragging?

2010-09-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

Today started out wonderful. Our mornings here in beautiful Colorado have been getting quite chilly. Its so nice to feel the crisp mountain air return. Ive waited all summer for this.

We missed church last week. We played hooky to have a family day so today I decided that we couldn't miss this week. Everyone was dressed and we piled into the Jeep. Much to our dismay the Jeep didn't start. It tried everything I knew to make it work, gave up, and let the kids go play. I decided to scrap church and try to get a hold of my dad to fix my Jeep before I had to return to work.

The kids immediately jumped on their brand new (purchased really cheap at a pawn shop and not really new) bikes. Nothing I could do could get the Jeep to start so I stepped in the house to wash my hands and grab a drink.

This is when it gets REALLY exciting.....NOT REALLY, but OK here we go.

All of a sudden I hear a faint "MOM." My heart sunk. It was a weird "MOM" and sure enough, in comes my youngest two. The older one looked good, it was the younger one who took my breath away. He was oozing dark thick blood all down his face starting at his nose. I don't handle things like this very well. It was way to much blood for me to even know how to deal with it. I scooped up my youngest, set him on the counter, put a clean dish towel on his face, and grabbed the phone.

"911 operator. What is your emergency?"
"My son...my son was in a bicycle accident."

I knew I didn't have a running car and I was to freaked out to drive anyway, so 911 seemed the right choice for me.

The conversation with the women is a blur. I know she had to ask me the same questions over and over because she couldn't understand my babbling through my tears and fear. Skylers face was seriously in bad shape and I could barley stand to look at him without freaking out more. (Note to all my friends and family...do not expect much of me in an emergency situation.) I think Skyler did a better job of holding it together then I did.

By the time the paramedics showed up we were both covered in blood. I stepped out of the way while they examined his mouth and everything else. It was determined that he hit the corner of his eye and gashed his nose. They informed me that it was up to me if I wanted to take him to the hospital or an urgent care or if I wanted them to take us, but it was advised that he be seen by someone. Seeing as how I didn't have a running vehicle, and even if I did I shouldn't be driving, I opted for the ride to the hospital in the ambulance.

Now you would think that Skyler would just be giddy about riding in an ambulance. Its one of his absolutely favorite things besides a trash truck or a tractor...but needless to say, he was not thrilled. Try putting a four year old in shock into a gurney. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. They had to call their supervisor to get permission to at least strap his car seat on the gurney for the trip to the hospital. Permission was given and off we went.

To make a long story short, Skyler required stitches; however, in order to place the stitches in my extremely stubborn and strong willed child, it was decided that he should be sedated. Good call doc!! The only problem was that nobody warned me about the side effects of someone going in and coming out of sedation. Its SOOO scary. They literally hallucinate and loose their sight while coming in and out of that mess. I never want to go through that again.

It was a horrible, no good, very bad day. But I have to say something about my family. All the while I was at the hospital with my youngest, my family rallied together to take care of my other three kids. My sister in law made dinner for the family and an awesome pitcher of tea. She organized the picking up of the house as well. My mom watched the kids at her house and mine and kept the peace. She also gave me a ride home with my precious baby boy, making sure to make a stop at the store so that I could stock up on pop cycles. My brother in law got my car back in order and running. The most embarrassing part of the day is that my Jeep wasn't really broke...I had ran it out of gas. (can I cry some more now?)

I love my family. My mother in law offered me support from afar by text. All in all, I am left with so much (although I wish I could get rid of this "after crying so much" headache.)

Skyler walked out with a hematoma on his eye (AKA: a shiner) and ten stitches in the middle of his face. Here is a before and after picture.

Keep in mind that we had LOTS of waiting time in the emergency room. I had done everything I could to make him comfortable. We were just waiting for the doctor to come in. It was so horrible. He kept looking at me and saying "mommy, Im so sad."

Here is a bit after he was stitched up. He was still woozy from the medication. Can you see his blue stitches?

I think my son needs more then a helmet. I think he needs a football helmet. The cause of this accident was actually a head on collision with another little boy on a bike. His face was the only thing injured. I purposefully put pants and a long sleeve shirt on him just for protection in case he fell. Thank goodness he is OK.

I am sooo happy to end this day. Yesterday I was bragging that my son was riding his bike so well without training wheels, and today Im blogging about how he was blown over by another biker.

He is doing really good now and as predicted, asked to ride his bike as soon as we got home. Of course I promptly answered "NO." LOL It didnt take long for him to get his "spitfire" back.

Good night.

Skyler

2010-09-25T18:12:00.001-07:00

Im just completely proud of my bike riding without training wheels, four year old.

It was the first time he took off on his own. Up until this point he couldnt get started by himself. I fully expected to put training wheels on his new/used bike, but to my surprise he got on, took off, and that was the end of it. Sweet thing.

Late night thoughts.

2010-09-21T20:54:00.000-07:00

I should be sleeping, or exercising, or something other then blogging, but I cant take my thoughts off a few comments that were made here.

Sarah thinks I should mind my own business and keep my kids away from other kids that do things I don't agree with. I don't go to other peoples houses and just tattle on their kids. I genuinely care about all children and when I see one doing something that I think might potentially hurt them then I feel obligated to at least tell their parents. Didn't parents used to stand together? Didn't we used to have communities of people that would band together to make our children's lives better? Now we find dead children in basements or crawl spaces because, and Ill quote Sarah "its none of our business what other peoples children do." Well call me a nosy busybody if you want to, as a matter of fact call me whatever names you can think of, I don't care. As long as I live I will do what I can to advocate for children until I cant anymore, and for goodness sake, if you see my child stealing something from a store or smoking a cigarette I hope you will by all means butt your little self into my business and come and tell me. THANKYOUVERYMUCH!

Oh and by the way Sarah...thank you so much for posting a comment and being bold enough to actually put your name behind it. I have lots of respect for you.

GibsonTwins was also one of the ones I wanted to respond to. Unfortunately she did not allow us to see her profile. She pointed out that I live in a "low income" neighborhood. In fact I live in such a poor low income neighborhood that I pay nearly nine hundred dollars a month for rent all on my own without assistance. The truth is, you can live in the richest neighborhood in town and you will most likely have a crack head or a drunk living next door to you just like me, the only difference is that you have more money than me but you are NO DIFFERENT then us poor folk. Low income, middle class, upper class, it doesn't matter. We all have ten toes and two legs, and addictions, and temptations. Money doesn't define who we are, its what is inside. Your ignorance makes me sick. There is nothing wrong with spending time with the sick and hurting. I am not afraid to be near pot heads or drunks. I don't engage in their activities, but they are the heart of God, and where the heart of God is...I want to be. You mock Christians by saying that we are "great comedy" yet you hide behind a name. Your comments make me think you are angry with people like me. Is it because I speak my mind? Or is it because I don't believe the way you believe? Or maybe its simply because you don't understand me or you are unable to see another persons (rich or poor) point of view? I don't have the answer. I hope you find peace.

I wont stop fighting for these kids that I feel have been so failed by society. So much hurt, so much madness, no peace. I wish they could know peace. This boy next door that smokes is no different then my children or yours....he just has an unhealthy mom. I just figured that If I could help her, then I could help the kids. That's all.

Peace out! (I'm totally not a rapper)

Im all fired up!

2010-09-19T18:58:00.000-07:00

What is going on with parents these days? What has this world come to?

My ten year old son told me the other day that our neighbor kid (who's age is barely fifteen) smokes and to top it off, smoked around him. I wanted to back up the situation with someone else's information so I went to my fourteen year old (who is friends with the (barely) fifteen year old) and asked her about it. She told me that he indeed did smoke and that she had asked him not to smoke around her so that her hair doesn't smell like smoke. She knows that if she were to come home smelling like smoke then I would have her back side on a plate.

I am actually friends with this boys mom. We spent the summer sitting on the back porch laughing and enjoying Skyler running through the grass. We promised each other that we would watch each others kids and if we were to see anything then we would report to the other one the wrong doing and what kid was doing it. We talked about this frequently over the summer while my kids were gone. Of course the times I did talk to her she was either high on pot or so drunk she could hardly walk. I felt the need to spend time with her because she seemed to need a listening ear.

Today, because of our agreement, I decided to text this mom the news of her (barely) fifteen year old smoking in front of my kids. I thought I was doing something good and that she would appreciate the information as I would if my child was smoking and someone reported it to me.

To my surprise, my daughter (the fourteen year old) came to me after getting a text from the (barely) fifteen year old and reported that "His mom and her boyfriend know that he smokes. He didn't get in trouble at all.) She didn't respond to my text but clearly she did forward my text to her son, but not to tell him to stop smoking, but to scold him for being so stupid as to smoke in front of a ten year old and get caught by another adult.

I'm so lost for words. This situation (in my opinion) mirrors several months ago when I went to another mothers door to report that her daughter was kissing on another girl and she responded "well, at least they cant get pregnant doing that."

Our children are smothered in a world of enabling parents (me included in other areas) who would rather sit on their butts and watch TV then take the time to actually go outside and watch their kids play. I'm constantly aware of my children's whereabouts at all times. Of course there are times that they bend the rules and go outside the limits but I do my best to be on top of it.

Its time we are actually interested in the daily activities of our children. I believe that kids these days have to much free time and not enough structured family time, and if there is family time then its "TV TIME."

I think I could scream right now. YOU LET YOUR FIFTEEN YEAR OLD SMOKE!!!!?????!!!!!

Counting kids...

2010-09-18T19:53:00.000-07:00

When my kids were young I used to (on a regular basis) think that it would be so nice when they could bathe themselves and clothe themselves, and feed themselves. I thought for sure I would breath a BIG sigh of relief when they could finally wipe their own butts. In my silly little brain I thought I was paying my dues while my children were small.

Things have changed. I no longer have to wipe butts or hand feed the children or dress them (the older ones that is). They do all those things themselves. My worries have shifted. I'm in this stage now that I feel a little over protective. There are so many influences that can get in, I feel like I'm on constant protection mode. Did our parents go through this? I don't remember my parents being this stressed out. LOL

My thoughts very often shift to Tyrus. As I am going through my day and I am trudging through a situation with the big kids or trying to meet the needs of Skyler, I find myself thinking in relief "I'm so glad Rebekah and Ben have Tyrus covered." I say it in my head like he is my kid and then I feel guilty feeling that way because he really is Rebekah and Ben's child now and I don't have to worry about him; however, I don't think those feelings or thoughts will ever ever go away.

I have to keep telling myself that I am not disrespecting R and B by having those feelings, but that its natural. I often find myself driving down the road and looking back into my rear view mirror and counting the kids to make sure I didnt leave any behind. Now certainly I don't look for Ty but its just those moments of busyness's that I think "Is Ty OK? Oh wait, R and B have my back." LOL

Please tell me I'm not crazy!!!!

Rebekah often talks about Ty's graduation and how she longs for me to be there, but she worries how I will feel. Will I feel excedingly happy that he is graduating and accomplished so much, or will I mourn for what I missed as he grew to that stage?

I don't think the answer is an easy one. I would love to go to Ty's high school graduation. It would be so exciting and I would be so honored to share in such a beautiful day. The questions that would be going through my head that day are, "Does Ty want me here? Is he upset at me for the choices I made for him? Is he uncomfortable having me around?" I imagine he will grow up and look very similar to my other kids, but he wont have the same memories, or the same life. Certainly he will grow up knowing he was adopted and hopefully I would have taken a few trips out there so I wasn't a complete stranger, but I am certain that It will be a very emotional day. Of course by then I will have already been to four of my other kids high school graduations. What a weird thought.

The bottom line is, I am very blessed to even be talking about the possibility of going to my birth sons High School Graduation. When does that happen? Only God....Only God.

Peace out!!!

Im always the bad guy!

2010-09-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

I'm constantly told that I'm not strict enough with my kids. I'm told that they don't listen to me because they don't respect me....because I am not consistent with them and they need me to be harder on them. People tell me that I cant be a friend to my kids and be a parent at the same time. Recently I was told that I should "let my leash" out on my oldest because she needs some room. Yesterday I was told that my kids are just teenagers and sometimes they have to learn the hard way.

Seriously, my head could explode from thinking about all of this.

I agree that I am a pretty protective mom, yet pretty lenient in other areas, like letting them eat to many Popsicles. or riding their bikes into the night, and staying up late on the weekends, and sometimes (shhhhhh don't tell anybody) letting them eat cereal for dinner and then ice cream after that. I'm all for having fun together as a family but when it comes to other things like...letting my fourteen year old be alone with a boy, or letting the kids go into strangers houses, or crossing a six lane street on a bike, or have to much free time or unsupervised time while I'm at work, or going into strangers houses....that's when I get very very protective.

Why am I protective? I believe that children should be able to make mistakes naturally and then live with the consequences. But what if one of the girls were to fall pregnant at twelve or fourteen? Who gets to suffer those consequences? ME!!! Of course they are the ones that have to carry the baby, but they are under age and so me and their father get to deal with the extra cost and emotional expense. Or what if, per say, one of them becomes addicted to drugs? Who gets to deal with all of that drama? Well, they get to deal with the addiction but I have to deal with the other stuff that goes with it like taking them back and forth to counseling and the doctor and possibly a rehab clinic. I don't have time for that mess!

In my head it just seems simpler to not allow those addictions and temptations to take hold of them by not giving them the opportunity to even experience them. Some may say that its part of growing up...but I disagree. I made it through my whole life without having to "experience" drugs or sex at a very very young age. I think its ok NOT to do those things yet still experience life in other "safer" ways.

On the other hand, it has become nearly impossible to keep track of every waking moment my children have. I have tried and tried to keep account of all their activities so as to prevent the early pregnancies and drug temptations. I have literally driven myself crazy trying to keep everyone in this little shell. I am simply exausted.

How do I find a place that feels comfortable, yet still keeps the kids safe and accountable? How do I lay down the rules and feel positive about it? Im certain Im not the only parent that has these insecurities or struggles. The difference with me is that I dont have a husband to talk over things with and make decisions with. I find myself just living out of fear that my kids are going to get pregnant or do drugs and then as a result not live healthy productive lives. I cant keep my eye on all four of them at all times when Im responsible for getting dinner ready and paying the bills and bathing a four year old, and cleaning up the house, and keeping the laundry current, and keeping food in the house, and holding down a forty hour a week job, and keeping the kids in church.....sigh!

I need a husband....or maybe a part time nanny....or just some encouragment!!

Will I make it through?

2010-09-07T05:03:00.001-07:00

Fall is most certainly on its way. The nights are colder and the trees are starting to turn yellow. Ive begged and prayed for this time of year to come. I am DONE sweating my butt off; however, this morning when I woke up after sleeping all night with the window open, I wondered what I was thinking to pray the cool weather here. I was FREEZING and wondered how I was going to make it through a shower being so cold.

With the change in weather comes sickness. Here at my house we are getting our first dose of it. Matthew woke up with croup. He is old enough to stay home by himself so I wont miss work but I wonder who is next. If Skyler gets sick I will have to stay home. This is when I wish I had a husband to help. I wouldn't miss so much work if I could trade off with someone.

So finally...

after watching the balloon lift off down town,

and taking really weird pictures of myself because I was bored late one night,

and putting up the harvest (Fall) tree. Which I made by myself thankyouverymuch!

Fall is most certainly here, and I couldnt be happier.

Thank you everyone for the wonderful encouraging comments on my last post. I treasure your words. Have a great day!!!!

Uggggg

2010-09-01T19:29:00.000-07:00

Today was a very hard day at work. Things are going great but the new procedures are really hard.

Anyway, it has left me tired and grumpy. I really really want to have a fun night out with friends. I was supposed to go out last Friday but Chelsea was babysitting for my boss and I wanted to be home for her to call if she felt she needed me.

I am so grumpy and I think it has rubbed off on the kids. I feel horrible about it. Does anyone else get grumpy?

How many times can a child call out "mom" while in bed just to get attention.

Have you ever found yourself saying "now thats to many hugs....go to sleep."
Seriously? Can a child have to many hugs? Apparently I can because I said it....tonight.

Ok thats it....Im done for the day. Good night!

Gone

2010-08-30T20:37:00.000-07:00

are the days when she was a curly haired half pint.

Now her hair is purposely straightened, her makeup strategically placed, and her clothes carefully selected. Instead of playing with her barbies and baby dolls, now she focuses on her friends and her amazing gift of photography.

Many times I will hear her learning a new song on her piano or chatting with an old friend on her phone. She was the first grandchild born to both sides of our family. The day she was born she made me a mother and her daddy a father.

She is not boring, never dull, always engaged, very smart, and extremely beautiful.

Today was a special day for my first born. Her passage into her teen years was paved today when she........

got her braces on!

I think she is more adorable than ever!

Calgon...are you there?

2010-08-29T21:42:00.000-07:00

Is there ever enough time for a mom?

"Mom, your not listening to me."

"Mom, I was trying to talk to you in the car but you acted like I wasn't there."

"Mom, mom MOM!!!!!"

CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!

Of course I was not ignoring my child. I happen to be driving and I can actually remember HEARING her talking but I just couldn't do what I was doing (a left turn plus I had a friend following me who got lost) and have a conversation with her.

Does anyone else do that? Do you suddenly start hearing "MOM, MOM, MOM, I'm talking to you mom. Can you hear me?" And then you look down and the child is right beside you trying to talk to you but you are so preoccupied with all the other children trying to talk to you that you have selective hearing? Do you find yourself saying "Now hold on, I can only talk to one person at a time?"

CALGON ARE YOU THERE?

Ive spoken about the "time" it takes to have older children before. Unless my children are different then other children. I don't know but my kids seem to always be around, always needing me, not really watching TV, never playing video games, always engaged, always needing me, always always always.

I don't really mind it....well that is except when one of the children tells me that I am lacking when it comes to my listening skills and they need more. FOR REAL? More? Can I give more?

I think about that a lot. I seem to constantly be running to someones rescue, or breaking up someones fight, or making peanut butter and honey sandwiches (because that's all the four year old will eat) or dealing with boyfriend issues with the older ones, or finding shoes.....OY VEY!

CALGON?

Unfortunately a good long Calgon scented bath wont help me in this situation...so instead I find myself crying....

Father.....Abba Father....Lord....are you there? I'm freaking out here!

I know I can not be everything for my kids. I used to be riddled with a lot of guilt when I would let them down. The past year I have decided that I can not live my life that way. Instead I will cry out to my Heavenly Father for wisdom, and when I cant seem to be enough or do enough for the kids I will depend on the Lord to fill in the gaps.

And in the meantime....and just for good measure.....me and Calgon will be right back. Time to relax.

Touched!

2010-08-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

I am touched today by this video. I was reading sweet Jonah's blog and found it there. Maybe it will touch you.

Posting this for a friend today......

2010-08-24T04:51:00.000-07:00

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you."

Mary Stevenson

Feature

2010-08-22T20:46:00.001-07:00

Really quick I wanted to tell you that I was featured here.....
So cool!!!!! Check me out!!

My Rebekah!

2010-08-19T20:14:00.000-07:00

This is the first thing I saw when I clicked on her profile. I was not looking for a friend...I was not looking for a blog buddy...but what I was looking for I found...in this ONE picture. Her name was Rebekah, his name was Ben. The smile on their faces spoke to me like a loud speaker at a concert. Pictures don't talk but surprisingly this one spoke to me. I learned a lot about them in the next few months. Mostly I talked to Rebekah because....well, you know....we're girls, and we talk a lot. (isn't she beautiful?)Like I said, I learned a lot about her over the next few months. We talked a lot, mostly over email. Here is one of Rebekah's very early emails to me. It was a time of getting to know each other and discovering how much we had in common, including our name which was spelled exactly the same (a very rare spelling):

"Okay, I just read your blog and LOVE your new picture. The ultrasound picture made me cry.... and I LOVE to quilt. Did you know that I made the quilt in the baby's room? (and the curtains) I never even crossed my mind to sell squares on eBay! Last year I bought one of those nice cutting tables with a pad, which makes it really easy to get straight cuts! I love the cutting process to, there's something about it that is so entirely relaxing.I'm glad we can share this love too.....:) Rebekah"

A few of the things I love about Rebekah are:

She is TONS of fun!

She looks good in LITERALLY everything...no really....take a look at these....

She has the biggest heart of anyone I know. Her love pours out to people she doesn't even know.

There are many many things I love about Rebekah but I think that the next few things are my favorite.

She loves her Ben with all her heart. (LOVE IT)

She is the one I chose to be the mother of my little boy!
Ive never regretted it for one day.
His smile tells me how much he loves her!

I found more that day when I saw her picture. I was looking for a father for my son and a mother to love him to pieces. I found that and more. She is my babies momma, my friend, my confidant. She understands me, and I love her.

Please take the time to celebrate her with me. Its her birthday. Click here to wish her a happy birthday!

Love you Rebekah!!

Love,
Rebekah

Tyrus!!!

2010-08-09T14:25:00.000-07:00

I have so much I want to blog about but I just got some big news from Rebekah and I just couldn't pass up announcing it. I'm so so very proud to announce that Tyrus is WALKING!!

His momma just told me today. Her exact words were this "He puts his little arm in the air every time he takes a step - as if to say - "Look at me mom, I'm such a big boy!!" I couldn't be a prouder birth mommy...LOL. I don't get to see these things happen so I rely on all the fun pictures and videos that Rebekah sends me. These things make me very giddy. The other day she sent me another special package. Here is what the note inside said.

Here is what was inside along with two Cd's full of videos from the past year.

She is always doing stuff like that for me. She always includes me, remembers me, shows me she loves me.

Remember my bulletin board? I got to add Ty's 12 month hand prints to it. Look how much he has grown. The bottom is four months, the middle is six months and the top is twelve months. What a big boy!!! (I think I'm due for a new bulletin board. One of the kids scratched some of it off)

Speaking of the kids....they are home. Its always bitter sweet. Sweet because I missed them so much and they missed me. Bitter because they love their dad and step-mom very much and they are sad to leave them. I'm so thankful for the kids dad and stop-mom (she is now officially a member of the family since they got married. We love you D.) We have been through a lot and had our ups and downs (we still have hard times) but we are family.

So as I said...the kids are home. Believe it or not this was the big kids in 2001. Arnt they sweet!?!?!

Now, they have blue and purple and blond hair (is this really the style now?)

Wrestle like there is no tomorrow (this was just yesterday).

Pose for the camera every time they can all while talking on the phone or riding in the car, it doesn't matter (teenagers...sigh). I have to admit...she is beautiful...she must get her looks from me. LOL (yeah right)

And play outside incisively.

So what does that mean for me? Well for one...it means that since the kids came home and my mom so graciously gave us this wonderful drum set...I get to listen to the beginnings of a very popular band of which is yet unnamed. We will have Chelsea on the piano, Victoria on the flute, Matthew on the guitar and Skyler on the drums. Ahem...it will be wonderful!And secondly....laundry laundry laundry.Did I say laundry? (sigh) So the year begins.

Use me Lord!!! Im yours!!

2010-08-05T20:19:00.001-07:00

The past few weeks has been pretty incredible. Ive realized that although I thought I was in a place God wanted me to be, I was wrong. It took me being fired from a job to realize that. Isn't it just so twisted and crazy how trials and heartache can bring forth such beauty in the most unlikely places? I cant even count the times I have questioned God....

"Lord why does my mom have Multiple Sclerosis?"
"Why God do I have to get divorced....again?"
"Father, why am I a single mom...this is so hard?"
"Why do I have have to give my son up for adoption God? I love him so much?"
"Why...why...why?"

The "why's" are endless.

The answers are not always so plain...right away. Sometimes it takes years to see an outcome, and sometimes the answers never come, and I question Him again.

Ive become quite fond of a mother at the day care center I work at. She is very young but because of her life circumstances, looks very old. She has three children, two are twins and one four year old. All three children are borderline autistic and it shows. She is a single mom and is struggling to keep it together. She is not a Christian but a self proclaimed Wiccan. The daycare center I work for is a Christian ministry. We do not push our beliefs on the children, but instead we only try to set a good example for them and show them His love through our actions. Our demographic is low income and the children that come to our center are all colors of the rainbow, we love that part by the way. Sometimes my boss (the director) will come to my desk and we will stare at the children walking past my desk and he will look at me and say "arnt the children beautiful? Look how colorful they are." They walk by with deep brown, creamy white, and soft tan skin. Beautiful! Its in those moments that I do not question God anymore.

Anyway, back to the lady that I have grown quite fond of. The other day she was having a particularly bad day. Her children were crying and nothing seemed to settle them. I took the four year old on my lap and pulled out a shinny green plastic cross necklace out of the drawer. I looked at her and asked if she would like to have it. She nodded her head and proudly put it on. She walked over to her mom to show it off and I could see a bit of confusion in the mothers eyes. At the time I didn't know she was Wiccan. Instead of getting upset with me for giving her daughter a very Christian symboled necklace, she looked at her daughter and she said this:

"Sweetheart, do you know what that cross means? It means that somebody loves you."

Boy, that statement couldn't be more true.

I'm glad to be in the place I am at. I see beauty in every day. My job is the perfect place for that.

Today I received an email from a gal who is pregnant with her fifth child and the father wants nothing to do with the it and is pushing her towards adoption.

My heart is heavy for her.

"Use me Lord...I'm yours!"

Weird random thoughts...

2010-08-03T12:10:00.000-07:00

Why is it that I can do so well in my new job, that requires so much data entry...and do so poorly in the Orthodontics job that also required so much data entry (which is apparently why they fired me...due to my accuracy). My only explanation is that I was not at the job God wanted me to be at. I am very content right now.

After much research, could it be that gay people truly are gay? Is it possible that something genetically is wrong or different? That would explain some things, but still not make it right for me, but explainable. The word "Hermaphrodite" has been brought up many times in my discussions with friends lately. This would fall into the same sort of category as ADHD or ADD. For a long time I thought it was just a behavioral problem...but again, after much research, are there truly some lines crossed in children and adults heads that make them ADHD or ADD. I know I bring up these subjects a lot but they hit very close to home for me and I'm trying not to be close minded.

These subjects are defiantly up for discussion for me, NOT argument, but discussion.

Im a Wildfire!

2010-08-01T20:47:00.000-07:00

Check out my new video on weight loss here.

Ill be updating on this blog probably tomorrow. Lots and lots to say!!

Kids and work...

2010-07-29T03:50:00.000-07:00

So I got a new job. I think that's old news. Its going great. I love my boss and co-workers. I love being at a place that I feel I am making a difference and I actually get talked to. I basically am a paper pusher. I do paperwork all day, answer phones, talk to the kids poking their heads over my desk wall, and answer phones. Occasionally the infants teacher will poke her head out and ask me to watch the babies while she goes to the bathroom. I am more then happy to oblige. Yesterday I got to hold a newborn. (be still my heart)

My boss took me aside yesterday and offered me a proposition. Skyler is already at the daycare with me and is doing great. They kids (who I thought were coming home this weekend) will actually be home on the 7th. This gives me an extra week to plan. Anyway, back to my point. My boss told me that I could bring Matthew to work with me and they will transport him to and from school and he can just enter the daycare and they will not charge me anymore then I'm paying for Skyler. (that's huge) Also, he told me that I can eat at my desk and take my lunch break later in the day and go get the girls and bring them to work with me. He said that my situation really got to him and he wanted to help.

I think this is all really good news. There are a few problems...well just one...Chelsea doesn't want to come to work with me. I told her she wouldn't be a part of the day care....but instead she would be at the front desk with me doing homework or reading a book or doing small office tasks if she wanted to. She isn't happy about it at all.

My problem is this...its her first year of high school. If I don't pick her up from school then that leaves her free to do what she wants from two thirty in the afternoon until after six in the evening. The high school is literally right in our back yard so anybody she wanted to could come to the house and nobody would be the wiser. None of the other kids would be home so she would be alone. I'm not OK with this. I just feel like there is to much unsupervised time. Am I being overbearing here? It would be so perfect to go and pick her up every day. My mind would be at ease and I could work and not have any kid drama.

Its not like she would be picked up with a daycare bus, she would be picked up by me...no harm no foul. I would have all the kids with me at work for the remainder of the afternoon and I just think that would be so much better then them being home. I only work four days a week. If I dont take this option then Im going to have to hire someone to come and sit with the kids at my house and I cant afford it.

Last year was HORRIBLE!!!! I HAD to be at work...but the kids were home running through the neighborhood, going into stores and stealing candy (and other things), smoking cigarettes they found on the ground, going into strange peoples houses without permission, and having boys in the house without an adult home. It was absolutely CRAZY. I felt I had no control over anything. My kids are free spirits and can not be trusted with to much free time.

Given the kids track records, I don't feel like they should be able to choose if they go home of If I pick them up.

What are your thoughts?

Things I wish I never had purchased...

2010-07-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

Can you tell Im borred. Skyler got his four year old shots today so he doesnt like walking, and I thought Id do a foot dance for you with my new yellow socks. Sigh!!

Work and other things...

2010-07-23T20:27:00.001-07:00

I got a call (finally) from the unemployment office today. They state that the Orthodontist office I worked for has loads of documentation that I was warned and warned of my mistakes from nearly the first week I worked there. The man said that he understands my point of view but because I do not have documentation of my allegations then I will probably be denied unemployment. I had no chance from the beginning. They started giving me reviews and warnings from nearly the second week I worked there. I don't know why they hired me.

I'm very thankful for the job I have now. I just completed my first full week. My hours are four days of ten hours. Its very tiring but well worth the three day weekend. The people there are so nice and they give so much grace to me. I was literally thrown into the position. I am now receiving deeper training but I feel like the training I received at the Ortho office has really helped.

I did make my first mistake of sharing my adoption story with someone. She is one of my co-workers at my current job. She seemed to really like me and would talk to me a lot. In one of our conversations I mentioned that I had a fifth child but that I didn't keep him...but instead gave him up for adoption. Her response to me was "You know, its really none of my business."

That really threw me for a loop. People truly do not understand and are not accepting of my life. I have learned my lesson once again that I should not share my life with anyone at work. I'm confident that she will keep that information private but I will not confide in her. It makes me sad.

Whats wrong with my life? The Bible tells us to "bear one anthers burden's." Now of course I am not burdening her so maybe that does not apply, and she is a Christian but maybe because my life is so complex its just hard for others to hear?

I'm forgiven for what wrong I did. I hardly think about it now. Instead, I sit back and watch my little boy grow, and laugh, and I watch his parents hearts beat a little stronger because of the new love in their lives. So much joy....heartache left behind....time to move forward. I wish others felt the same way.

_____________
Thank you all for your prayers. My dad is doing fine and has been diagnosed with vertigo. Far far cry from a stroke or heart attack. Thank you Jesus!!!!

My dad...

2010-07-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

OK friends. Im asking for prayers for my dad. He is in the hospital. For a couple weeks (unknown to us) has suffered nausea, dizziness, the sweats, stumbling for no reason, slight numbness on one side of his face, and when he stands up his vision is wavy and sort of tunneled. He chalked all this up to being clumsy but now it is clear something is wrong. To top it all off his heart rate is unusually low in the high thirties to low forties. For those who don't know your heart rate should be in the sixties or higher. He is spending his second night in the hospital and will hopefully get the results from the EKG, CAT scan, multiple ultra sounds and blood tests tomorrow. (sigh)

I cant loose my dad!! I love him.

Not so simple...birth siblings

2010-07-18T22:31:00.000-07:00

Ive been watching a new show. Its a follow up to the ever popular "16 and pregnant." Its called "teen mom" and you can view it on MTV or if you have Comcast you can find it on the "past season catch up" button on demand.

Many of these stories are focused on these teen moms who chose to keep and parent their babies; however, one story follows a girl and her boyfriend who made an adoption plan for their little girl. Tears flood my eyes as I watch the scenes play out. How smart and brave these two young people were to give their baby away...a baby that they certainly would have had plenty of love for, but not the means to raise.

I found myself in almost the same situation. I got pregnant, gave my baby up for adoption...but for me it was more then that. Ty was my fifth child. I knew that my decision would impact not only me, but my other four children a great deal. I also knew that Ty would live no ordinary life. Yes his life is extraordinary, but certainly not ordinary. He doesn't realize it now, but the questions will come. Fortunately (and I knew this when I picked them) his parents are wise, and loving, and trustworthy, and will only do what is best for him...and that will be to tell him where he came from and why his life is so extraordinary not ordinary. He will learn these things about his life and his past (even though he was in my belly) and it will become not such a big deal...no surprises...no secrets. Rebekah and I talk about this often. Our conversation is open and honest and effortless.

For my other four kids...they think of Ty as nothing less then their brother. They refer to him as their brother and nobody corrects them when they do (not I nor Rebekah and Ben). How can you take that away from a child? They watched him grow as my belly got bigger. They placed their sweet hands on him and felt him kick. He was real, he is real.

I am not naive to the fact that my kids hurt because of the adoption. They have suffered a great loss...a loss equivalent (the experts say) to a death. Sometimes I think they suffered more then I did. I'm older, and I knew exactly what I was doing...but they didn't have a choice...they didn't have a voice. I couldn't give them a voice because I knew what was best for them, even though they couldn't understand.

My children have noticeable wounds because of my choices. I can hardly type that without crying. Can you imagine my pain...its painful...to give a baby away, not because you don't love him, not because you don't want him, but simply because there is not enough of you to go around, because if you kept the baby it would mean that everyone would suffer a lack of attention and a lack of time. One thing I have learned in my fourteen years of being a mom is the biggest thing that children require is time. You could be poor as dirt or as rich as the hills, but if you don't spend time with your kids, nothing else matters. My gift to all five of my kids....was time.

I know my kids hurt, Ty might hurt someday to, but I pray for only a moment, until he grasps the full truth of what I chose for him.

So we heal, we heal, we heal. Time heals.

Men

2010-07-15T06:13:00.000-07:00

Two failed marriages, five children, one adoption, a slew of broken relationships (sigh). I don't want to screw up again.

Yesterday in the grocery store a man was staring at me. I was in line waiting to pay for my groceries and he offered to unload them for me. It caught me by surprise. I quickly but nicely told him no thank you but it got me thinking.

I see a pattern in my life. I get married, have a baby, get fat, get divorced, get skinny again, find a man, get hurt, and am left alone all over again. I'm at the getting skinny part again and I'm noticing that men are paying attention to me and I'm sort of thrown for a loop.

Am I ready? It still seems to soon to start dating again. Its been almost two years since I even considered dating or have dated. I really really really made the wrong choices with Ron Ty's birth dad. I trusted him, I believed him, because he seemed believable. How do I know the difference between a liar and a genuinely good guy?

I don't know what to do. I don't want to ward off men for the rest of my life but I just don't trust myself. I don't have a good track record for picking good guys. Wow, how many times can I say the word "don't" in a paragraph. LOL

I feel lost in this area. Does anyone have a good book that could set some rules for me? I know that sounds silly but I really can not afford to mess up again.

Good News!!

2010-07-14T08:33:00.001-07:00

I had my second interview with the daycare yesterday for the General Administrator position. The interview went very well. This morning I received this email:

Rebekah,

We believe that you are a good fit for the position. Pastor Scott asked me to see if you'd be willing to come in today, Wednesday through Friday from 12-6 as a working interview. We would train you on the basics so you could handle the desk but we wouldn't throw you any of the hard stuff over the next few days. We'd just like to see how you interact with parents and it would give you a little more opportunity to see how we function (to a certain degree) so you could evaluate whether or not you could see yourself working here long-term. At the close of day on Friday, we would let you know whether or not we wanted you to start permanently on Monday. The hours you work this week would be paid. You are more than welcome to bring your 4 year old son if you don't have anywhere else to take him. The drop-in rate for a 4 year old is $5/hour and with a 50% staff discount it's be $2.50/hour.

I know today is short notice; we'd like to get to seeing if you are the correct fit or not right away. Please let me know if this plan will work ASAP. I'll give you a call around 10am if I haven't heard back from you.

We're really excited to see if this is the Lord's leading!

--
Katie

Im so excited. Im a little concerned with the hours. They will not be noon to six every day and they seemed willing to work with me as far as the kids go. I cant believe I might have a job by next week. This is a miracle!!!

Weeding through Youtube...

2010-07-10T13:16:00.001-07:00

I ran across the video I made after Tyrus was born. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. This little boy was the reason I started this blog. I'm going to post the video again. This is the first time Ive watched it in a very very long time. I couldn't watch it without sobbing before. Today I watch it with a different perspective on things.

Are you kidding me?

2010-07-06T09:28:00.000-07:00

You gotta love Craigslist. The last two jobs I have worked were found on Craigslist. The only thing is you have to be careful. I would say that about sixty percent of the job postings are just scams so its important to really look for the signs. Here are a few of the job postings that I took an interest in...

Looking for Egg Donors
-Unfortunately I did not qualify for this one because to donate eggs you must have a two year college degree. LOL Go figure!

Ice cream Bike Riders
-I'm still considering this one. All the ice cream I could eat, and it wont matter because I'm riding my bike around town. GO ME!!!!!

Security Officers Wanted-P/T to F/T
-Can I carry a gun? BONUS! My favorite movie was always Die Hard. I could be living the dream!

Weed puller
-Ummmm, after much thought I decided I was WAY over qualified for this job!

Experienced Pet Sitters - Vet Office Experience Required
-Seriously? You need experience to babysit a DOG? Sheesh! I figure all you need is a yard and a pooper scooper.

SEWER & DRAIN CLEANING AND REPAIR
-Ummmmm! NO! There are no words!

Professional Tattoo Artist in demand Now!
-Do you think they require experience? LOL After all, I have a tattoo. Would that qualify as "experience?"

Teenager Chores $8.00 hour
-Now I know I would be good at this! I do my teenagers chores all the time!

zombie movie casting in Colorado springs
-A little makeup, and I would fit right in!

Are you kidding me?

No seriously though, today I do have a job interview for a position as a Director at a daycare. That would be SOOO perfect. To be honest I just am not up to actually doing the babysitting, but to be the financial director would be SO COOL! If you pray, pray for me today!!

Footprints...

2010-07-05T08:12:00.000-07:00

Things change so fast around here. Just when I thought I found my "steady" pace, things get changed up and I'm forced to find a new normal for me and my family.

I don't like having such drastic change in my life. When I got fired I literally started to hyperventilate from the thoughts that went through my head. Of course it all revolved around money. Isn't that what its all about? Money! I don't like the stuff that much, except that we have to have it to survive these days. Unfortunately, the electric company does not take baked goods in exchange for services. (sheesh, go figure!)

Change does bring some good things. The absence of a job in my life has caused me to stand still and look around. The hustle and bustle of keeping track of four kids, as well as trying to keep track of myself (I get lost quite often LOL) pulls me deeper and deeper into a confused whirlwind. With so much time on my hands I can take a step back, breathe, breathe again, and then sort out what went wrong. This change has given me time to refocus.

My older three kids will be home in a little over four weeks. Believe it or not it will take that long to prepare for their home coming. Things will change for them. Its not only time for me to refocus on things that matter, but they will need to step up and be more responsible. If you read my post here on homosexuality in young kids lives, you will understand some of the road we have traveled this past year. Of course that post did bring a lot of opinions to the surface. The bottom line is, love me or hate me, this is how I want to raise my kids. Things will be changing!

So as I spend LOTS of time scouring Craigslist for job openings, preparing for the kids homecoming, and hugging on my four year old....I am eternally thankful to God who has brought me this far. My termination from my job (at the time) seemed like a curse, but as many of you have commented, I have come to realize that it was a blessing I could not have foreseen. Around every corner I see God. My life very much mirrors the poem "Footprints in the sand."

Letting God carry me through this storm will be my key to survival.

Provisions and thoughts on blog ad's

2010-07-03T06:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was very honored to meet one of my blog buddies. She contacted me and we both set up a time to meet and have some good conversation.

Please meet my new friend JC.

And her adorable twelve year old twins Samantha and Bret. The third child is mine. He quickly befriended Bret...and swiftly stole his googly eye hat.

Bret didn't mind budding up to a four year old. In fact, he seemed to quite enjoy him.

Two pees in a pod? I think so!

JC and her kids drove an hour and twenty minutes just to see us. They even bought Skyler a coloring kit to keep him busy so we could visit and blessed us with lunch and a Walmart gift card for some groceries. I am blessed beyond measure to have them as my friends. I am astounded by Gods provision. It was a wonderful day! I only wish they lived closer.

In our conversation that day we got to talking about blog ads. I have a couple blogger friends that have recently put them on their blogs but I didn't think anything of it. I have tried making money online through different areas like secret shoppers and other things but they never paid off. I figured that blog ads were just the same kind of thing and wouldn't bring any income in. What are your thoughts on this? Do you have blog ads and do they bring in any money for you?

Honestly, I never minded if one of the blogs I read had ads on it. If you find a way to make money why not take it. It doesn't hurt me, I don't click on the ads...nor do I really pay that much attention to them. LOL With that said, how in the heck do people make money off them?

Stains!

2010-06-29T19:44:00.001-07:00

Before I got pregnant with Tyrus I had a daycare that I ran out of my home. It worked perfectly for me. I was able to be home with the kids every day and still bring in some money. Ive worked odd jobs all my life, mostly things that dealt with customer service. I even worked for Discover Card at one point. The majority of my life has been at home, raising my kids, and babysitting other peoples kids. I loved it. I invested my life in other peoples lives. It was wonderful. Who could ask for more?

When I got pregnant with Tyrus I lost a lot because of my choices. I lost both of my babysitting jobs (I had two). One left because of personal changes in her life (love you S) and the other left out of hate towards me. I was left pregnant, no boyfriend, no job, and four little mouths to feed. It was a scary place to be. I was living off child support and food stamps.

I wanted out. I believe there is a time and a place to be on government assistance, but one must not make a career out of it. I wanted to be self sufficient so I made a choice to jump back into the work force again. I had babysat or cleaned houses for years and I wanted to prove to myself that I could do more. I could do better for me and my kids. So after Tyrus was born.....I got a job...a wonderful job in an orthodontics's office. I was the receptionist. It quickly became my favorite job EVER!!

Soon after my job started, I started noticing some "not so good" things. It was a family owned practice with the only employees being me and the assistant. The doctors wife was the office manager and essentially the one who I would always go to. Everything went through her.

A few weeks into my job I received my first review. I was informed that the Doctor didn't trust me because I was a "single mom with four kids who would probably be looking for a man to support her and consequently get married, run off and leave us high and dry." I was blown away by this comment but being my normal passive self just pushed it off. After about the third time of being told I was on probation and repeatedly being told the Doctor didn't trust me I had to say something. I told my boss who I will call "O" that the assistant was a single mom to and that she had just as much of a chance to run off and marry a man as I did. To that "O" replied "but she has a degree and does this for a living."

These comments were thrown around constantly during my seven months of employment. I was repeatedly told that I was not doing a good job and I basically spent the entire seven months of my job on probation. I believe that the doctor would do things to me to be vindictive...simple things like asking me to bring my own tissues "because I use to many and I was causing the office to much money in tissues", or locking me out of the office if I used the back door to use the restroom(we didnt have a bathroom we could use in the office). Yes I could go through the front but I preferred to use the back door so that the entire waiting room didn't know that I just went to the restroom. Any time I would get ice out of the ice maker he would empty it as if to avoid my germs. These things seem silly I'm sure....but they really degraded me.

In all honesty, I did make mistakes. This job requires a lot of accuracy and I did the best I could but would fall short sometimes. I believe this was my only shortcoming though. I worked every day I could, was never late and in eight months never missed a single day of work. I was very proud of that accomplishment. It wasn't easy. I have four children and to juggle all their little lives and my job was sometimes very challenging.

Most recently (within the past month) my hours were cut drastically. The new rule was if there was only four patients in the morning then they would ask me not to come in. One day while sitting in the lunch room I read on the office wall that I could apply for partial unemployment if my hours were reduced. I thought it was a good way to make supplemental income since my paychecks had been so slim with the cut in hours. In my head it was a great solution. Apparently it was not. "O" received my unemployment papers in the mail and directly called my coworker (the only other non family employee in the office) and asked if she knew anything about me filing unemployment. Fortunately the assistant and I are friends so she promptly called me. I felt violated. My boss was calling people and sharing my personal information. I confronted my boss the next day...(which was actually yesterday) and her response was "I had to find out what was going on."

Today, on a beautiful sunny day and what seemed to be a good "working" day....

I was fired.

Back to the drawing board. If you pray....pray for me! In all honesty, I feel like a dirty old shirt with a bunch of stains on it. I know I'm worth more, I just don't feel it right now.

This little boy....

2010-06-25T12:36:00.000-07:00

who is full of life...

loves juice boxes...

and sure knows how to pick em...

who insisted that this was his girl...

but was quickly put on the straight and narrow, when I explained to him that I was to be his only girl...

for now anyway!

One year later!

2010-06-16T01:46:00.000-07:00

They say it takes a year for your body to recover from having a baby. I think that is so true. I am trying to loose weight that I should have lost a long time ago but it is weight that I put on while I was pregnant. My body still shows signs of being pregnant and when I notice those signs, I remember that it was not so long ago.

Its not a sad day by any means. After all, how can you possibly be sad when a special someone is turning one year old? Its a great celebration and his momma and daddy are planning a grand party. I received an invitation, but I wont be able to attend. That part is sad for me. Some day I will fly out and spend a birthday with him. That is certainly something to look forward to.

One year later...I have learned so much about myself. I have discovered my limits during a time when I thought I was limitless. I have learned to let go of the things I thought I had control of. Having Tyrus showed me that to love sometimes means to let go. What a hard concept to grasp!!! God is showing me daily that I need to completely surrender to Him so that he can work in my life. Its our failure to surrender that keeps us from being close to Him.

So today is dedicated to this little boy...

And to all that his life represents for me. Love! Sacrifice! Joy!

And to this family....who will love him forever!!

Happy Birthday Tyrus!!!

My gift to Tyrus! Updated!

2010-06-10T06:06:00.000-07:00

UPDATE! I have had a few people ask me ware I go the book for Ty. I wish there were an easier way to respond to people that comment on my blog. Anyway, I figured Id do a little update on it here. I got it through Hallmark. I was going to purchase it online or through eBay but I soon found out that going into a Hallmark to purchase one was about twenty dollars cheaper then purchasing it online. My only suggestion is to call around to see what the Hallmark store has in stock. These books go fast. You can go to hallmark.com and look at the different recordable books that they offer so that you know what you are looking for but like I said don't purchase it online because they are very expensive.
___________________________________________________________________

About a week and a half ago I sent Tyrus his birthday gift. I didn't know what to get this sweet boy. I wanted it to be unique and personable. I found these recordable story books and thought it would be the perfect gift. The thought of being able to read him a story from hundreds of miles away made my heart soar. I recorded this video just minutes after I recorded the book. Its not a great video. I look horrible and I am just full of emotion. I was crying happy tears. I miss him so. When I get emotional I play with my bottom lip which is what I did in the video. However; Tyrus has received the book now so I wanted to share with you this very special gift.

Other things on my mind:

Life has NOT been easy for me the past few years. Sometimes I sit and wonder if things will ever even out. My job continues to be difficult and I often wonder if I am cut out for it. Just when I think I am doing a good job, I am advised that my job is on the line again. Ive been on probation for seven months. I just cant figure it out. Is God shaping me or trying to show me areas that need improvement in my life through my job? Its most certainly not for lack of trying. I don't do things half heartedly. I take my job very seriously, but something is lacking. I continue to pray for God to show me my place in life. I long for something in my life to "stick" and just be steady, and I was hoping to make this job my home. Right now, its up in the air. What now God?

My favorite song lyrics:

Dear God,
"I want to thank you now for being patient with me. Oh its so hard to see, when my eyes are on me. I guess Ill have to trust and just believe what you say. Cause your coming again, coming to take me away!"

Keith Green

Remembering!

2010-06-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

Here is what I posted one year ago today! Its good to look back and remember what you have come out of. Its good to see how far Ive come. This was an exciting and sad time in my life. Exciting because it was close to the day that sweet Tyrus would grace all of our lives, but sad because I would suffer a great loss in a few short days. Here is what I wrote.

Friday, June 5, 2009 12 more days!!!!
That's right. I am scheduled to be induced on the 18th. Twelve days seems SOOOO long, but I know its not. I am doing pretty good today and yesterday. I have all the same discomforts but really, I think I can make it. I look at my belly and it seems HUGE and then I look in the mirror and I KNOW I'm huge. :) I really don't mind though. Its all for a good reason.

I was in the rocking chair the other day and was just slowly rocking and the baby was kicking and I put my hand on my belly and started rocking harder and I realized "I'm rocking him." That sounds stupid Hugh because obviously I have been rocking him from the day he was conceived, but for some reason I just had this moment with him that I had not had before. It was special. I only have a short time to take care of him, and right now its so easy to care for him (in a sense). I think its easier to take care of a baby in utro then for them to be out. So I just felt, in that moment, that my job was was so important. I am ready for him to be born though. He just feels gigantic inside of me and its hard just to get dressed with this big belly.

The kids are doing great at there dads house. It feels good not to have to worry about them. Of course my three year old keeps me on my toes, but just to have three kids gone is such a BIG break. I really needed it. Oh and to top it off my mom and grandma have my dog for a few days. WHAT A RELIEF!! She is a sweet little thing but its become hard for me to take her potty three times a day (I live in an apartment).

Well, the nights are long for me because I cant lay in bed. The minute I lay down its such terrible pain in between my legs that I struggle to sit up. I have been sleeping on the recliner and it is not that comfortable but at least I get a few hours of sleep. Good thing I don't require much sleep. :)

Ill try to keep this updated....because time is short.

I have a voice!

2010-05-31T18:57:00.001-07:00

Do you ever find yourself driving down the road and glance in the rear view mirror to count all the children just to make sure you have not left anyone behind? I have never left any of my kids but that doesn't stop me from looking back once twice sometimes three times. Obsessive I know. You can never be to sure though.

I watched a movie tonight called "motherhood." Perfect movie to describe how you so easily loose yourself when you become a mom. Of course I use the words "lose yourself" loosely because its not necessarily a bad thing but you do feel a little like Alice in Wonderland while its happening. The movie really hit home for me. I felt like the mom in the movie was me, but in reality it plays into every busy mom out there.

The moral of the story was that we all want the best for our kids. We would do anything for them even sacrificing the things we aspire to be or do for a time until we can pick it back up when they are old enough.

Ive been thinking a lot this weekend. Mostly I have been stewing to be honest. I have so many things I would like to say here on this blog. Should a blog be only about happy things? Should we be able to say things that we feel passionate about? I believe the answers are no and yes! I grew up feeling like I always had to put on the happy face. It was important to make sure everyone felt comfortable and for goodness sake don't step on any ones toes. I don't think that is a very realistic way to live. The truth is, there are hard times to be had. Thank God there are also good times to be had and I want to blog about all of them. I'm tired of living my life concerned about what this person will think about me or how they will feel. Yes of course I want to be sensitive to people and I most certainly want to show love through my words, but when it comes to the TRUTH, I don't want to be silent anymore because I'm afraid of what people will think of me. The only one that truly matters is God. He is the only one who knows the condition of my heart.

I feel a battle going on in my life and my children's lives. It is a spiritual battle behind the scenes but a true life battle that I am watching like a play on a stage. I am going to fight it. Ill do whatever it takes to win. Giving up is not an option, being TOLERANT is not an option. (by the way I have grown to HATE that word tolerant, but thats for a different post) My kids and their futures are at stake. So on I fight. Does it ever end? I feel like my whole life is a big huge fight.

Im not sure how to end this post. So Ill end it here.

Lots of things.

2010-05-28T22:01:00.000-07:00

My house is quiet. The three older kids have left to Arizona to be with their dad. Skyler fell asleep at seven. I find myself watching a lot of movies and cleaning up the house. Its so different going from four kids to one. I almost feel a little lost. My thoughts scattered. When all the kids are here there is always a pattern, something to do, times to keep, bedtimes to be made. It will take some adjustment. As soon as I am able to adjust, they will be back and the patterns start again. I miss them.

The kids leaving marks one year since I experienced one of the hardest times in my life. Looking back now it seems so surreal. It blows my mind that I actually had a baby a year ago. It does seem like ages ago, yet the memories are burned in my mind. It was the weirdest feeling to birth a baby that you know you were not going to keep. It wasn't meant to be that way, yet it was the way it is. Rebekah describes it as an "unnatural ripping." I think that describes it very well. One year has passed yet not a day goes by that I don't think about him. Time...I couldn't give him time. That's why I chose not to keep him. He deserved much more then I could give. Some people don't understand that, and that's OK. It wasn't anyone else's decision to make. I have complete peace with my decision to relinquish. Tyrus has an amazing life, a life that I will always be a part of. Maybe some day, Ill write a post on the details of my decision, how It came about, and the reasons behind it.

I thought I would answer some questions. My past three blog posts have been very controversial. I'm so glad I have such amazing readers. I especially like the ones that speak their minds, agreeing or disagreeing with me, in a respectful way. I'm not sure what good it does to be hateful and mean. It truly is pointless. Ill try to make my answers short and sweet. Please forgive me if I miss any.

"Was it not you who had sex with a man whom you were NOT married to?! Conceived a child OUT of wedlock?! Isn't that a sin in the bible as well?"

Yes I did conceive a child with a man that I was not married to. Yes it is a sin. I don't hide it, I blog openly about it. Look at where my sin got me. Not a fun place to be.

"What if one of your children is gay but because you've brainwashed them into thinking it's a sin, they live their life unfilled and unhappy? How does that make you feel as a mother, as their protector?"

That's a hard question to answer because I believe that being "gay" is a choice. I know I know, lets not get into a debate again. Ill just say that I feel I am protecting them by teaching them to love all people but to not love the lifestyle that the world has brainwashed US into believing is OK.

"So it's a sin to be gay or bisexual, but it's OK to abandon your child to strangers?"

Yes its a sin to live the lifestyle of a homosexual. No it is not a sin for me to relinquish my son to adoption, but yes it was a sin to have sex with a man I was not married to. Again, see what my sin did to me? So so sad!

"Didn't you put your own baby up for adoption because you expected he would be "brown"?"

No!

"I think if you have such a bold opinion on this topic then you have to expect to deal with the fallout. Shouldn't Christianity be about love? Tolerance? Acceptance? If one if your kids happens to be gay will you disown them and label them a sinner?"

I fully expected to hear lots of opinions when I posted about this subject. I was OK with that. Christianity is about love. We are all sinners, not one of us better than the other. If my children were to live a gay lifestyle then I would most certainly love them to pieces as I do now; however, they would be fully aware that I do not support the way they live.

"I do hope Chelsea finds her way. You really should consider birth control for her. I am not trying to be mean, I just think it is going to happen."

As I have said before, not only do I teach my children that abstinence is the best way, I also am not so naive to think that it COULD happen. My kids are very well informed as to what sex is and how to protect themselves.

"You think being gay is a sin, how does giving ONE of your kids away fare with god?"

Have you ever read the story of Moses? His mother could not care for him so she gave him to someone that could. This did not make her a bad mother, in fact, I believe she was one of the best. The Bible is clear about homosexuality. If you believe in the Bible then you can not argue that truth; however, please show me in the Bible the passage that says it was a sin to give my son to someone who could care for him better then me?

"You made a choice that was best for YOU and now YOUR kids are paying the price, esp Chelsea. Now what kind of godly person does THAT to THEIR OWN children????"

I respectfully disagree with you. I believe I made all FIVE of my children's lives better by giving Ty up for adoption.

"I also know that the Lord is good and merciful. I believe that for those who are in a homosexual relationship will not be damned to hell for whatever reason. I believe, that they will be treated mercifully - as we all will. As a good person - gay or not - how can you not believe that? Wouldn't you want to believe that?"

A sin is a sin in Gods eyes. He does not put a measure on sins. It doesn't matter if you are a "good person," being a good person will not get you into heaven. No I don't believe that living a homosexual life will damn you to hell. I do know that the Bible clearly talks about living in the grey. Either you are living for Him or you are not. God tells us in his Bible that we are not to live a luke warm life, don't live in the grey. If you are truly interested in living for God then you will stay away from things that he clearly states are not good ways to live. Yes we make mistakes (I did,and still do) but I'm not going to make excuses for what I did. I was wrong.

"I am spiritual...and yes, I've read the Bible. But that doesn't mean that I take it to be the end all, be all...I can think for myself..can and will question what I read sometimes, and I think it's sad that in this day and age, we're still having the same arguments."

I agree that we should question what we read. Heck, research who translated the Bible. Find out who wrote it and when. Look into how it was translated. For me, its all I have. Its the only tangible thing that I can rely on that I know is truth. It makes sense to me. When I stray from its words I get into trouble.

"You might want to consider being less invasive of your children's' privacy. Do you have their permission to write all these things about them for the whole world to see?"

Ummmm yes I do. I am their mother. Is their a law against that? Not to mention, I dont believe I have talked about my kids private lives at all. I do talk about certain situations that happen but not real personal stuff. In general, I talk about typical things that I know everyone who is a parent deals with. Most of my blog is about me being a mother.

Good night all!

Moving on...I think!

2010-05-23T21:24:00.000-07:00

I hate getting into debates on the Bible. I don't know why but everyone interprets it differently. I'm OK with that, but because of that, I will NOT get into a Bible debate because nobody wins. Not to mention that I am not a Bible scholar and so I do not believe I have any right to debate such a rich book. If you have just started reading my blog you might want to scroll down and read the last two posts for any of this to make sense.

With that thought, I encourage all you who do believe in the Bible and who have been leaving comments on my blog as far as homosexuality goes, and for all those who have not been involved in this debate, to go and read Romans chapter 1. I would encourage you to read the whole chapter so that you don't think I am taking a scripture out of context; however, the scriptures I am most interested in sharing with you are
Romans 1: 26-31. Romans is located in the New Testament AFTER Jesus died on the cross. I believe when he died on the cross he did away with the old traditions of the Old Testament so I thought it was important to share with you something from the New Testament.
______________________________________________

Someone said to me in the comments of the last post that I came across so sweet during my whole adoption story. She said that my story was so heart felt. I recon now that you all know how I feel about homosexuality, I do not qualify as "sweet" any more....

but...

I'm still sweet although that is not the point here. The point is that life is dang hard. Raising children has always been hard but I believe that in the day and age that we live in now it is exceptionally hard. It makes me mad that I cant protect my children from the world views that I don't agree with. It irritates me that I cant convince my children about what is right and holy in Gods eyes because the public schools and their teachings overrule me. I'm mad because I have not always been the best example for them and in turn it has impacted their lives negatively. (although not everything that has happened has been my fault) I'm mad because instead of standing up for what is right, some people just sit down because its comfortable. (not all people)

I cant defend myself against all the negativity that has been posted on this blog the past few days. I don't need to, but I will share this. Me and my children have had many conversations about sex and birth control. I believe that if you don't talk to your kids about sex, then someone else will. As much as they hate talking to their mother about it, they know all the in's and outs of sex. They know how it works, they know the dangers of having sex before they are married, or even if they are married. They know what a condom is and they also know that if they were to ever have sex that they need to use a condom. I am not a stupid person. I do not live in a box. My children are well informed.

I have always voiced how hard it is on my blog to raise my children alone. I think I was just tired of posting all the cutesy pictures and talking about the simple things when I had such heavy things on my heart. I chose to voice them here. I will continue to voice them. I don't know if I am the only one out there with older kids. I don't know if I am the only one who blogs about this stuff. I am not afraid to loose readers. I want you to stay because you want to stay, and because you enjoy being part of something that is real. My life couldn't get more real. My children are not small anymore. Its not about changing diapers. Now its about saying no to drugs because they will kill you, and saying no to sex because it could KILL you, and saying no to violence and gangs because it could kill you or you will wind up in jail. I would gladly go back to changing diapers. This is really hard!!! But who said it would be easy?

Do you have certain beliefs that you try to instill in your children? What are they? Are you afraid to post them on your blog? Are you afraid of what people might think? Don't be. Just say it! We need each others support.

Lastly, I have made it so anonymous people can not post. I believe that you should not hide behind rotten words. If you have something to say then stand up and be proud of it. Show your face for goodness sake!!!

Heres what I have to say about that!

2010-05-23T04:40:00.000-07:00

I want you to meet someone. Her name is Meredith and she has a husband and two small children. I have read her blog for years and years, even before my ten year old was born I have followed her story. I think its clear that I am a devout Christian that believes in the Bible and TRIES to follow it as best as I can. The funny thing is that Meredith is an atheist (gasp). Shocking Hugh? Well, not really. But I wanted you to meet her because she is such a sweet lady with a very outspoken mind. In all the years I have followed her, not once have I been disrespectful towards how she believes. Sometimes she will ask for her readers opinions and then I will give mine to her but then I continue to read. Its nice to have diversity. You can find her blog here. Its OK to have a different opinion then someone else, even if its about homosexuality.

A lot of comments were left on my last post. Here are a couple I wanted to comment on:

"Perhaps you should do some more researching on nature vs nurture/psychology. Many people who are gay did not CHOSE this lifestyle but were born this way. Just like you would not like someone calling you fat, YOU too were just genetically programmed to be larger and you cant help it. Neither than they." anonomous-

Thank you for your comment whoever you are. Gotta love those anonymous comments. I have yet to find any scientific data that supports the "born gay" theory. I believe it is a choice just like being fat was a choice for me. I know that some people have a higher risk of being fat than others but I believe that I became FAT because I ate to much just like I believe that people are gay by choice. And its OK for you to have a different opinion then me.

"So much judgment from a person who does not want to be judged.
Didn't you put your own baby up for adoption because you expected he would be "brown"? Your kids are on anti-depressants, you feed them horribly unhealthy food, your daughter has suicidal thoughts on a regular basis and lies to you constantly and you're all worried about THE GAYS? Really? So it's OK to be a racist but it's not OK to be gay. Oh my. Perhaps you should try to fix what's going on in your own house before you start judging people who have nothing to do with you (and probably could care less what you think of them anyway." anonomous-

This above comment really makes me laugh. I think I know who this person is because the things she mentioned I have never mentioned on my blog. (Hi Bethany) No I did not give up my son because he was going to be "brown." You obviously don't know me that well. Yes I am sure my children lie to me as I am sure you lied to your parents when you were younger. I am not racist. I am far from it in fact. I'm not sure how I became racist by talking about the gays. I was simply voicing my frustration about how our society thinks.

Lets not loose sight of the fact that I am the one who started a PUBLIC blog and was open and honest about getting pregnant ON PURPOSE after knowing the man for only two months, then deciding that I couldn't take care of my child and giving him up for adoption. I think that I am NOT afraid to be judged. Im so sick of people saying "dont judge me." Im ALLOWED to judge people based on their actions (or fruits), just as you are ALLOWED to judge me by my actions or fruits (fruits of the spirit).

Yesterday was the first day I opened up the comments on my blog and did not moderate them. Anyone and everyone was allowed to post and that is why you see all the nasty comments. I just didn't post them before. Needless to say, I know that I am a screw up. I know that I am a Christian. Guess what? God loves the screw ups. All throughout the Bible He uses people just like me to do amazing things. I have another secret for you...we are all screw ups. The Bible talks about how "our righteousness is like filthy rags." (Isaiah 64:6) What that means is that our best is still nothing better then a dirty rag. We are sinful people by nature. Someone being gay is no different then me over eating. But because we are saved, Gods grace makes us pure inside and worthy to even walk in his presents.

So, even though I am not perfect...well I am perfect....a perfectly good screw up (LOL), I am going to try to teach my kids NOT to be. Does that make sense? But regardless, my kids will mess up and they will lie to me. They will make bad choices and fall down. In the end, I believe they are going to make wonderful adults. I believe they are all sewing their wild seeds early. I cant wait to see what they become!

I'm so thankful for all the comments left on my last post. Don't you love the internet? You are free to come and go as you please. You are free to voice your opinion on your own blog or someone else's. You are free to be close minded or opened. We are free to love or to tear down. I think Ive seen a little bit of it all today.

Do you LOVE it?

2010-05-21T16:16:00.001-07:00

I really love my new blog. I have no time to post right now but I am desperate to. Maybe tonight Ill be able to put the kids to bed and have some quiet blog time. Cant wait!!!!

THANK YOU KELSEY for designing my blogs. I absolutly LOVE them!!! You rock!!!!

10 days! UPDATED!!

2010-05-16T21:14:00.000-07:00

Click here to see the LAUNCH of my weight loss blog!!

My three big kids leave for Arizona in ten short days. Every year at this time the entire previous year comes crashing down on me. Its funny how you doing REALLY appreciate something until its almost gone. Now I do appreciate my kids but I think in the hum drum of life things become monotone and you just go with the flow. That i until you have ten days left with your kids.

I know, I know. They will be back but that doesn't stop the questions from rolling through my mind. Did I hug them enough? Did I love them enough? Did I kiss them enough? Truly, when you become a mom your life is forever changed. You don't think for yourself, or do for yourself, or be with yourself. Your life completely becomes "for the kids."

I don't mind it. In fact I wanted it. I didn't dream of becoming a movie star or an astronaut. When I dreamed, I dreamed of being a mom. My dreams most certainly came true.

Today I wanted to do a photo shoot with my kids. I'm about to launch a new weight loss blog and it will mirror this blog so I wanted to capture some new pictures of the kids. I had some grand idea that my header would be two pictures...one of the kids all laying on the grass in a circle and I would be above them taking a picture of their smiling faces. The second picture that would sit right beside that one would be me looking over at them. Sigh!! Things don't always go as planned.
After getting this shot...
and this shot....

my idea was scrapped because it was "said" by the children that the sun was to bright and they couldn't open their eyes. Sigh!!

I did manage to catch a few good pictures. I am hoping that soon you will be able to see it on my new weight loss blog!!! Also as an added bonus (I'm so so excited) this blog will also get a new makeover. I am so excited to keep both blogs going. One to document my life as a mom and birth mom and hopefully offer support to others, and the other to document my journey to "finding my skinny," and also offer help and support to others who I know are struggling.

In the meantime, I am trying to enjoy the kids. I realize that every moment is important. I already miss them!

New blog!

2010-05-14T05:45:00.000-07:00

Ive been debating starting a weight loss blog for a long time. I actually did start it but never posted it. You can see it on my dashboard. To be truthful, I was a little embarrassed to start it. If I was going to start a weight loss blog then I was going to go full throttle on it and hold no bars back. I want it to be relatable and I want to be successful. Up until now its been all talk for me and so I didn't want to start something that I couldn't finish.

I'm feeling pretty confident that I am in the right mind set to start this now. I'm hoping that I'm not the only one out there that needs to loose weight. I know I have a lot of wonderful readers. Are you all skinny? Or are some of you ~~fat~~ overweight like me? Well Id like to know how many of you would follow me on my journey. I'm going to need LOTS of support. Ill let you know when its fully up and running, but you can view what little I do have here. Its tentatively called "experiment on melting fat." I also don't have the design of it done so its a REALLY bright yellow. LOL

Chocolate truffle coffee!

2010-05-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

Loosing weight is a very difficult thing. If you have never had a problem with weight then you can compare it equally to trying to quit smoking, or trying to quit cussing...well you get my drift. I'm actually doing pretty good but it really is the most challenging thing I have ever had to do as far as breaking a habit.

My only saving grace is in the morning or before bed I will treat myself to some home made chocolate truffle coffee. Oh my goodness! It is a little piece of heaven in a coffee cup! It makes me feel like I had desert without all the calories and with NONE of the guilt. With ten pounds down I feel like I'm on a roll.

In other news: I'm ready for a blog makeover. I feel like I have outlived this design. It was fun and wonderful for awhile but it is time for something very simple but colorful. I'm not sure how or when, but hopefully soon, my blog will change. I will probably change the name as well. Ill probably call it something like "There lived an old lady who lived in a shoe, she had so many kids she didn't know what to do." Well, maybe that title is to long, but I do get a kick out of it.

It is almost time for the kids to leave for Arizona. This time last year I was very pregnant. My summer was to consist of having a baby, recuperating, and then getting a job. I accomplished all of that, despite thinking I wouldn't. This summer I plan to NOT have any babies. (grin) Seriously though, I plan to loose a lot of weight, focus on me a little more and prepare for the kids to come home after that.

It will most certainly be a different summer then the last one. I'm really looking forward to it. Can you believe that half the year is almost gone? Life does move on!

P.S. (What does P.S. stand for anyway?)Thank you all for your comments on my last post. I'm glad I'm not alone.

Inside of me.

2010-05-10T18:38:00.001-07:00

Have you ever sobbed? I'm not talking about little whimpering cries that you might have when you are sad or feeling some other emotion. I mean HEAVING sobs that come deep down as if it were not you that was crying but your very inner soul? I experienced that after Ty was born. For about two to three days straight my heaving sobs continued day and night. I had no control over them. They came even when tears ran out. I had a continuous lump in my throat for weeks.

Time went on and I felt better. In fact after Ty was born and the weeks went on I cried less and less until I rarely cried at all. I felt that it was all to easy. Why were my other birth mom friends still sad (I mean really sad) months later and I wasn't.

This afternoon when I came home from work I clicked on Rebekah's blog (as I frequently do) and was pleasantly surprised to see a new mothers day blog post. Oh my heart soared as I read it. Her and her husbands happiness, Ty's happiness. It was a great post, but then, the heaving sobs came again. I felt them come from the very bottom of my belly and again as if they were coming from my inner being. They feel like they are rolling out of me, the sadness, the loss. I found myself asking if this was normal. Why would I be so sad when I am so happy about how things are now? Why at a moments notice would I be smiling and then the sobs begain again almost a year later?

Is this normal?

Mothers day!

2010-05-09T06:26:00.000-07:00

I must be five years old in this picture!

I grew up in a family of four. It contained mom, dad, me and my sweet sister. Our little family of four was small but perfect for us. I secretly always wanted a brother but when I figured out that was never going to happen then I was content with my one sister which afforded me the opportunity to have my own room and other privileges that otherwise wouldn't be there with more siblings.

I remember many a mother day's. Me and my sister always had a plan. Often times it would include making breakfast in bed for my mom. We had no idea how to cook pancakes but we sure tried. Later I found out that pancakes included a few more ingredients then just flower and water, but we would never know (even to this day) that my mom didn't completely finish her plates of flower water pancakes. She was always thankful.

I love my mom. She raised me with lots of hugs and kisses and even though I would push her away many times in my life, not one time would she deny me her love. She always had my best interest in mind and I love her for that.

Now I'm a mom. I sit here on this beautiful mothers day. Everyone (save Skyler) is still sleeping. Ive celebrated many mothers days in my fourteen years of motherhood, but I'm not thinking of myself this morning. What truly makes me smile THIS mothers day is thinking about someone else that is celebrating HER first mothers day. I wish I was with her to give her a big hug.

So today, I celebrate my mom and Rebekah. Thank you mom for being a wonderful mother to me, and thank you Rebekah for being such a wonderful mother to our little boy.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!!

Making it all work!!

2010-05-06T04:45:00.001-07:00

I have about three weeks left with my big kids before they leave for Arizona to be with their dad and Grandma. I cant believe we have another school year under our belts. I feel unbelievably accomplished that we made it through the year. The children have learned some hard lessons this year. From theft to smoking to the accusation of doing drugs...from bad attitudes and threats of suicide and running away...from finding Gods grace and forgiveness. My children are still alive and healthy and ready to start the next year of school. Sigh! What a whirlwind!

As for me, I feel worn out. That's not an uncommon feeling for me this time of year. The kids leaving for Arizona is both happy and sad for me. So many thoughts run through my head...did I love them enough? Was I grumpy all the time? Will they miss me? How much will I cry when they are gone? The thoughts are endless. On one hand, I desperately need the break. I don't do much beyond go to work and then come home to the kids for most of the entire year, so for the kids to be gone is a much needed break....but....they are an extension of me no matter how tired I am at the end of the day and I will miss them.

My job continues to go.....OK? I love what I do. The patients are amazing. I love making them smile. I love setting appointments and filing charts and dictating doctors notes. I'm really really good at most of my job, but at the really detailed parts I'm not so good.....YET!!! I continue to get coached and talked to and warned that I need to improve. I thank God that he has given me the opportunity to work in a doctors office. I never thought that I would get this opportunity; however, the job still is not officially mine. I still have to prove myself every single day. Sometimes it is exhausting.

My weight continues to be an issue. My feet hurt. I struggle to turn over in bed because of the weight of my body. I decided to try a new angle. My mind set seems to be really good and so I am trying the Mayo diet. So far (within three days) I have lost about two pounds. I'm not making any promises, I'm just going to take it one day at a time. I need to loose weight and get healthier. Already it feels good to make changes. We will see where it leads me.

My mind is on Tyrus a lot. I'm constantly looking over to Rebekah's blog to see how he is doing. I long for my phone calls with Rebekah. I remember every day what it felt like to hold him and kiss his little head. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to see him in person. I am a lucky lucky girl (except I really don't believe in luck but what other word do you use?)

I am blessed beyond measure. I still kinda hate my hair. My puppy is growing like a weed, and the trees are blooming. Whats next?

NEW BABY!!

2010-04-29T05:39:00.001-07:00

I am off to work so I dont have time for a fancy blog post here. But go HERE to see my latest blog post on my cousins blog!!!

Special day!

2010-04-28T05:22:00.000-07:00

Today is a very special day. My cousin, the one I grew up with, and shared so many wonderful memories with, will deliver her first baby today!! I will be a guest blogger on her blog here after the baby is born. I cant wait to be the announcer of such wonderful news. Check out her blog and if you want...send her some good delivery vibes.

Progress?

2010-04-27T05:59:00.001-07:00

I put all your suggestions into practice. Any better? I'm not sure!!

Being the goof ball I am I had to photograph my progress. A hair stylist I am NOT!!

I'm not sure if it is working, but I am totally loving the new color. Grey be gone!!

New Haircut Disaster!

2010-04-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

I decided to get a new haircut about a week ago. I was tired of the same thing over the years and thought "lets change it up!" I walked into the hair salon and the lady that was about to cut my hair had a really cute hair cut. I said to her "I like your hair cut, cut mine like yours! And style it to so that I can see how you do it."

It was fun. Of course its always fun to get a new hair cut. They wash it and massage your head and then they talk to you while they are cutting your hair. In the end, you should walk out with a new look, feeling great about yourself right? WRONG!!!

When my hair cut and style were completed I put my glasses on and looked in the mirror. The emotions that went through me are hard to put into words. My hair looked horrible and NOTHING like the hair cut the stylist had. I was mortified. I generally don't put to much care into my hair. After all, it grows back and there is no harm done in the end....but for some reason this time was different. I really really hated it. I was actually embarrassed to be looked at so I quickly whisked myself and my son away and went to the car.

I played with it over the weekend but Monday soon rolled around and I had to go to work. I did my best with it but the message came through loud and clear when not a single person at work mentioned my new hair cut. Clearly I would have thought that if I looked cute then someone would have said "nice hair cut, you look cute." But that didn't happen. I am sure they were just being nice by keeping their silence. LOL I don't blame them.

Let me show you.

Ive bought all the hair gadgets!

Purchased the best hair sprays!

Yet still it looks like this and this is even after I styled it.

I'm frustrated and ready to give up! Next time you see me I just might go Sinead OConner on y'all.

But before I do that I thought I would try on a couple towels and pillow cases.

What do you think?

SIGH!! I'm off to Walmart to buy a curling iron. I figure Ill try going curly before I shave it all off!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dixie Carter and puppies!! Call me crazy!!

2010-04-11T06:39:00.000-07:00

I was so sad today to wake up and read that Dixie Carter from "Designing Women" had passed on. I don't know much about her personal life but I grew up watching her on TV and so its just weird to hear that she has gone. I know her family is so sad. Did anyone else watch that show? I LOVED it and still watch the reruns to this day.

Victoria's birthday is coming up at the end of this month. The one thing she wanted was a new puppy but those little boogers are expensive. I had been looking and looking for free puppies but was only able to find breeds that I was not willing to take on. I didn't want anything with long hair because I already have a dog that I have to get groomed...what a pain in the butt.

Finally today during my craigslist search (gotta love that web site) I found four 8 week old puppies that were half Labrador and half Plott hound. I LOVE LOVE LOVE hound dogs. I think they are so sweet with their little floppy ears. Not to mention that both breeds are very sweet natured dogs. Yes you can call me crazy for taking on another baby, but Victoria has taken on full responsibility and the dog has not had one accident. I think she is going to take on this potty training thing fast.

We drove the twenty minutes to see the puppies and fell in love. They seemed to be very well taken care of and loved. I let Victoria pick out the one she loved with the only stipulation being that it had to be a girl (I don't like dealing with boy dog wee wee issues), and here is what we came home with.

MEET SWEET SASHA!!!!!

Our little Maggie does not like the new puppy yet. She does everything she can to avoid her. LOL

Getting used to a collar is hard work....and very itchy.

One little boy...continued.

2010-04-07T02:02:00.000-07:00

It was the day Ben and Rebekah were to arrive. I had so much to do. I wasn't sure if we would all be spending time at my house or the house they were staying at, but regardless of what we did I wanted the house clean.
Getting the kids to school was my main priority. I just needed a day of quite so I could prepare for what I was just about to go through as well as get the errands and cleaning done without interruption.

The morning came and went, Rebekah called me and said they had landed and we both agreed to meet up that evening before our planned outing to my church's Easter play to say hi and visit.

I started getting nervous a couple hours before it was time to meet them. The kids slowly made their way home from school so that was a good distraction for me. They kept asking "when is it time to go, when is it time to go?" It was obvious that they were very excited.

Finally, showers were had, hair and makeup was done and we were on the road. Once on the road I started to feel sick to my stomach and that little lump in my throat returned and I felt like I was on the verge of crying. I knew everything was going to be OK but the anticipation was killing me. I just wasn't sure what to expect.

Finally, we pull up to the little bungalow they were staying in. The kids jumped out and ran in as I could see Rebekah come to the door....holding the little boy I let go so many months ago. A smile swept across my face. I got Skyler out and we made our way in.

He was smaller then I had imagined. His little arms clung to his momma. I felt a little weak in the knees. He was so beautiful, and memories of when he was born and all the months before that swept across my mind. I leaned over and said hi to him as I brushed my hand across his sweet arm. A few seconds or minutes passed, I'm not sure how much time it was before I finally said to Rebekah "can I hold him?" Of course her response was "sure," as she willingly placed this precious boy into my arms.

He didn't cry or fuss. He was very quite but also very curious as to who all the people were. I noticed that my whole body was shaking. Just holding him in my arms again sent something through me. It was the sweetest moment. I just said hi to him. I wanted to drink in all his sweetness. His skin was so soft, his body tiny and light, his eyes deep and thoughtful, his hair.....crazy!!!

I didn't get to hold him long before one of the kids said "shes recording this!" LOL Its clear that I have an issue with my weight. So the thought of being on camera really made me nervous....but then, I decided that it didn't matter. I realized I was only there for one reason and that was for Ty and that I could focus on other issues later.

I didn't get to hold Tyrus for long. Victoria quickly swept in and asked if she could hold him. I think by that time he had already reached out for his momma. I had to keep remembering this weekend that the kids had never met Ty. This was their first visit with their baby brother. At one point during the weekend my mom leaned in and said to me "have you got to spend much time with Ty?" I told her that I had not had that much time with him because the kids were enjoying him so much, in fact you could safely say that they turned into baby hogs. LOL I had to steal my moments with him. My favorite times were when I was able to feed him which turned into a family event.
His momma stripped him down to his onsie and let him go at it with Chelsea's birthday cake. Not only was feeding him my favorite part, but clearly it was Ty's favorite part as well. Food is a BIG part of his life. LOL

Easter morning we all got gussied up and headed out to church only to find out that the church services were changed for Easter Sunday only to accommodate the three services. There was no way we were going to wait around for an hour so we decided to ditch church (horrible I know) and go to the park for a picture shoot and play time.

And play we did....

We decorated Easter eggs...

Skyler enjoyed it the most...

We celbrated Chelsea's 14th birthday and had birthday cake...

Tyrus enjoyed it the most...

It was an amazing weekend. We were all very sad to say goodbye, but it was time and they had to go home. The girls went upstairs and I could here them crying. It broke my heart. That is the hardest part right now...realizing how difficult it is for the kids.

Chelsea came to my room crying that night and said:
"Mom, I don't think I can see Tyrus again. Its to hard for me to say goodbye."

I said to her "Do you love him?" She didnt answer so I told her this,
"Chelsea, I think that you do love him because if you didnt you wouldnt be crying. Sometimes love hurts and thats the hardest part. But if we didnt love we would be missing out on so much. Ty will some day know how hard it was for you to say goodbye to him, but I also know how greatful he will be that you made the choice to meet him."

She cried a little more and then went to bed.

The next day came and I thought I was OK. Its funny how your heart and your head tell you different things. My head was telling me that everything was OK. Ty had a wonderful family. The world is just as it should be. But then my heart was on a completely different playing field. I couldn't quite pin point it until I broke down at work crying. I realized that despite all my logical thinking...my heart was still broken and sad...and I was OK with that. It felt good to actually feel something. I get so busy with the other kids and all the drama they stir up that to often I don't take the time to feel what I need to. Its easier to put all those scary sad feelings aside....but they are necessary.

I probably wont see Ty and his family for at least another year, maybe more. This weekend will linger in my head for weeks. It was amazing!! I wish I could have had all you wonderful readers in my pocket so that you could have been with me experiencing the miracle of it all. Who would have thought that one little boy could bring together such amazing people?

To Tyrus: Good bye my sweet precious little boy. I look forward to the time I see you again. Until then, I will be watching you, loving you, missing you!!!

True love!

2010-04-05T05:25:00.000-07:00

Its been a whirlwind of a weekend. Lots of smiles, some tears, and tons of hugs. I have lots to process...but my heart is very happy!

Again...more to come!!

One little boy....

2010-04-02T21:48:00.000-07:00

Its late and I have a few more days left before they go home....but look who played peek a boo with me this evening while playing on the floor with my daughter?

My heart is full.....more to come.

My oldest, My youngest.

2010-03-31T19:54:00.000-07:00

I have many emotions running through me this evening. I'm feeling reflective...especially after reading this. How can you not be reflective after reading Rebekah's words?

My sweet Chelsea turns fourteen in a few days. I cant help but think back to how it all began. A few indiscretions with the love of my life and a sweet baby girl was conceived...inside a girl at the young age of nineteen....me!

This Saturday is her true birthday. We will celebrate in an extra ordinary way this year. The thing is...my oldest turns fourteen this weekend...and my youngest comes home.

Yes, I know. Its not his home anymore, but it was his home for nearly ten months. The last time Ty was here I was so nervous. I was afraid of over stepping my boundaries with Rebekah and Ben and doing something to make them think I was going to change my mind. I was afraid to kiss the baby to much thinking it would make it harder to say good bye. Afraid afraid afraid. I'm not afraid this time. There is no reason to be. I am comfortable with my relationship with Rebekah and I know that she and Ben are not going to care if I kiss their son to death. Well, they might care if I kissed him to death but you know what I mean. LOL

So, in preparation for this most amazing weekend of celebrating my oldest...and my youngest...I reflect and often wonder...will he know my voice? Will he feel comfortable with me holding him or even want me to hold him at all? How will the older kids feel? Will I cry when I first see him? I know I am crying now just thinking about it.

It doesn't matter I guess. I'm easily a "go with the flow" kind of person. I expect baby Ty to not really want to be held by strangers...because we are just that...strangers. But, as the years go by, we will become less of strangers to him and more familiar faces...so it doesn't bother me.

I cant wait to share with all of you the joy I am about to experience this weekend. It will be one of the best weekends of my life. Stay tuned!!!!

Cystic Fibrosis

2010-03-28T07:51:00.000-07:00

I have spent the morning crying my eyes out for Eva, who just this week, passed away from Cystic Fibrosis. What an amazing lady and an amazingly hard journey she endured.

I work at an orthodontics office. I see lots of kids pass through the doors every day. But, there is one patient in particular that warms my heart. I wont give her name or to many details about her but I will say that she has CF. One of her long time wishes was to have straight teeth before she dies. So, that is what her parents are giving her at the young age of about ten years old.....straight teeth. These precious children only have a life span of about 25 years or less. Can you imagine knowing that you were only going to live about twenty years? Can you imagine being the parents? It breaks my heart.

I will be thinking about sweet Eva today who is not with us anymore. I will be hugging my kids harder today, and spreading the message that Eva wanted everyone to know.....love love love. I'm sad for her today. I'm sad for her parents and family and friends.

What a horrible disease.

Finally!!

2010-03-16T20:20:00.000-07:00

Lots of updates to update but...

I want to talk about this first. I finally was able to find all the ingredients to make home made laundry soap. I don't get many opportunities to be Martha Stuart so I made it a goal to at least try it in this area.

I got the recipe from Rebekah and my friend Kriss, but Kriss's blog is private so I wont link her.

Here are some pictures of me and the kiddos REALLY enjoying ourselves making our own laundry soap.

These are all my ingredients. I got everything from Wal-mart except the washing soda. I looked far and wide for it and finally had to get it at King Soopers.

Here is the recipe:

12 cups Borax
8 cups Baking Soda
8 cups Washing Soda
8 cups grated Bar Soap

Mix ingredients well
Use 1/8 cup of powder per full load. I wasn't sure how many boxes this would take so I just bought one box of each and about eight bars of soap. What the recipe really called for was one box of Borax, two boxes of Washing soda and Baking soda and about four bars of soap. Now you will have left over Baking and Washing soda but it uses all of the Borax.

Everyone wanted to help.

Even Skyler although he mostly just wanted to make a mess of the white powder. Can you see how onrey he is?

Matthew just got over strep throat but he still wanted to help out.

Here is Chelsea grating the bar soap and rocking out to her IPOD. Victoria came down and said..."Why are you grating white cheese."

Here I am mixing it all together with a fork. Yes you heard me right...a fork...but that's all I could find in the moment...I just moved remember?

This is the final product. This entire bin is filled to the top.

We had so much fun believe it or not. I had to quickly get the fallen soap peices off the floor because for some reason my dog thought they were tasty. Sheesh!!!

We are officially moved. Moving day was hectic and fun and overwelming. We are still not all unpacked yet. I think by this weekend I will be done for the most part.

Today marks the first day we had hot water in the shower. Its a brand new shower but it was not spitting out hot water. Every other faucet in the house was but not the shower. I called them today and told them that it wasnt funny anymore. I politly told them that my children were starting to stink and I was sure the school was going to call me and banish me to the mother with dirty stinky children prison. The lady started laughing and said she understood. When I came home today from work....WALA we had hot water. We had an assembly line to the shower. Now if they would only fix the burners on the stove then we would have a complete home.

sigh

We are forever greatful. Ill do a video soon of the house. Its adorable. The kids are REALLY loving the freedom they have to ride their bikes through the neighborhood. Mommy loves the exercise they are getting by walking to school. We live to close to the school for the kids to qualify for a bus ride. Chelsea officially walks a mile and a half to school. She doesnt mind and seems to like the exercise and quiet time. The little kids also love the independence of walking to and fro to school (all .56 miles LOL).

My job is going good for now. We have a great new house and an AWESOME new garage.

Check out this video of moving day. What a mess!!!!!

Saying goodbye.

2010-03-12T05:29:00.000-08:00

Almost three years ago the excitement was in the air. Me and the children were about to embark on a journey of independence. We had depended on family for quite some time, and they were gracious enough to let us live with them. For some, moving into an apartment would not be a happy choice, but for us it symbolized so much. It meant that we didn't have to depend on anybody else anymore. We could make our own choices and live with our own decisions. It was just us.

It was a small apartment at only 1100 square feet but it backed right up to a very spacious playground and swimming pool. The girls were to share a room and the boys were to share a room. Just the feeling of being able to stretch out and be ourselves was unbelievable.

Almost three years later we are leaving our beloved apartment. Its sad for me. It should be easy but I find myself getting anxious about going. It was here in these parking lots that I met Ty's birth father. It was here that Ty grew for almost ten months in my belly. This is the living room that I sat in all those nights and watched him roll around in my belly. After giving birth to Ty it was this empty apartment I came home to....empty womb....sad heart. It was this very room that I sit in as I type this that I morned the loss of my sweet baby. And it was this place that I finally said good bye to Rebekah and Ben and sweet baby Ty the day they left Colorado.
Leaving the apartment doesn't bother me....its the memories that do. Living here was both a blessing and a curse. I didn't "get" what apartment life meant. I was very naive and trusting. I have learned so much and grown wiser the past almost three year. I wouldn't take any of it back. It all led me to Tyrus and his wonderful parents.

Our new town home will bring fun times and new memories. It will be there that I can reunite with the baby I let go almost nine months ago. I look forward to meeting him again....but as much as I want to hug him and kiss his sweet toes, what will also make my heart soar is when I once again get to put my arms around his mom and dad. I miss them so much.

I got the keys!!!

2010-03-11T20:32:00.001-08:00

My plan paid off. I got my keys today and we got to fully inspect our new diggs. The kids were really hungry so we didnt get to spend much time there, but here are a few pictures to show you what we found.

This is one of my favorite things. I have missed having an outside faucet. Whats a girl to do if she needs to wash out her trash cans? Ill be purchasing a hose very soon.

Here is Skyler in the master bathroom. He has seen a towel rack before. Not sure why this one was so interesting.

The view from both the kids rooms. It was a beautiful day.

This is the upstairs hallway. To the left is the master bathroom and my bedroom, and to the right are the boys and girls room.

Chelsea was very hungry and trying not to be grumpy. I guess the bathtub was comfy?

Here is our powder room down stairs. LOL It makes me laugh. At least you know that you will never fall asleep on the toilet with all the wild color.

We did bring some dirty laundry so we could try out the washer. I was very very impressed.

Matt and Skyler enjoying the stairs.

Me in my retro bathroom having fun.

And finally, we just couldnt let the jeep be all alone outside. We had to let it visit its new home as well. Doesnt it fit just nice?

Well moving day is Saturday. I officially have one day to get ready. My internet gets cut off here tomorrow and gets hooked up at the new place on Sunday. We just have to get through one more night. Tomorrow is busy busy busy!!!!!!

THE TOILET IS OVERFLOWING!!!

2010-03-09T05:04:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I felt like work was great. Chelsea started her new school and loves it. I felt like it could be the beginning of some better times for us. I was talking to my boss yesterday and I was telling her that things were going so smoothly with the move that I almost feel like I should prepare myself for something bad to happen. She just looked at me like I was crazy and told me that God was just taking care of us. I agreed and went back to work.

I picked up Skyler after work and drove home. As I was walking through the halls of my apartment building I noticed that water was coming from my storage room and I thought "oh great another leak, I better call maintenance."

I got in the house and everything looked fine. The babysitter was glad to see me and I was happy to be home and visit with her. I called the office and let them know that something was leaking although I could see no signs of leakage at the time.

Within five minutes of hanging up the phone with the manager, water was starting to pour into my kitchen.

Have you ever been in a flood? No? Yes? My answer would have been no.....YESTERDAY!!! I have now been in a flood. I walked into my room and I was two inches deep in water. It had flooded both my bathrooms, my entire bedroom and was traveling down the hallway. Skyler thought it was funny and started running and splashing and making boy noises. Matt and Victoria switched into high gear and started moving all the boxes from my room to the living room. I splashed my way to the bathroom and saw water just pouring out of the toilet. I reached down and turned the water off.

I was in shock. I have cleaned up water messes before...but this was different. This was the kind of water that you would see at a public pool. Skyler was still splashing through the TOILET water...Matt now thinks the chaos is fun and starts walking back and forth. Chelsea wants nothing to do with it and goes to her DRY room. Now I'm crying. I cant believe my four year old is splashing through my house like he is at a public pool. I turn around and see the maintance man looking at me with pitty in his eyes. I send Skyler to Chelseas room and tell her to turn on a movie and NOT to let him out.

The maintenance man was overwhelmed with all the water so he called the carpet cleaning people to come in a hurry and help. His little shot vac was not going to do the trick this time.

The flood was eventually contained. LOL The carpet guy showed up within fifteen to twenty minutes and did an amazing job. He left us with a dehumidifier as well as about five commercial fans. The carpet is nearly dry now amazingly enough.

Words fail me this morning. I cant believe that this happened. I am fairly sure that one of my children (while I was coming home from work) went to the bathroom, flushed and ran out the door failing to notice that the toilet was flooding over. Of course nobody did it. "Nobody" is our sixth family member by the way. He shows up quite often and I am just grateful to have someone to pin the blame on. "Nobody" gets in trouble quite a bit. (sigh)

Just this past weekend I spent all my laundry money on cleaning the clothes. I was excited because I felt like it would be the last time I would have to do laundry here at the apartments. Boy was I wrong. When the flood happened I was left with lots of soaking wet towels and bath mats and clothes. Frustrated does not explain how I felt.

As I was moving things out of my room to clear the floor so that the carpet man could suck the water up...I noticed a laundry card on the floor of my closet. We don't use quarters here...our money is put on a credit card of sorts. So I found one...one that I had lost a while ago and I thought "Dear Lord, help there to be money on here." Much to my surprise....there was eight dollars on the card. So in the midst of all the chaos...God sent me a rose in the form of a laundry card. Thank you Jesus that was able to wash all my toilet water laundry last night.

So the craziness continues. I will look back some day and laugh. I might even laugh about it today at work. Who knows....right now...I'm just thankful to have semi dry carpet.

This morning!

2010-03-07T05:28:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up to the sweet sound of silence. Its my favorite time of the day because its just me. I make my coffee and sit in front of the computer and catch up on my favorite blogs and visit facebook. Skyler wakes up shortly after I do. Much due to the fact that his bladder is talking to him. I'm so thankful he wakes up and goes to the bathroom now. I am forever thankful to finally be done with diapers.

Walking through my appartment today shows me how much I have to do. Here is what I noticed as I looked around...

Skyler eating his strawberry breakfast bars. This is a new thing by the way. Please take note of his painted fingernails AGAIN. I really wish Chelsea would stop doing this.

Maggie sleeping in her bed.

The girls sleeping peacefully in their bed. Notice that Chelsea chose her brothers spider man sheets and the fact that NONE of our bedding matches. We dont care, it keeps us warm and it is quite colorful. LOL

I turn around and here is the girls wonderful packing and stacking job. This is their closet. Nice hugh? I didn't help them a bit...they did this all by themselves.

The boys room and Matthew's attempt at packing...

Dirty dishes in the sink. Can you see my painted counter tops?

Ty's sweet handprints on my cork board. Hand prints that represent the REAL thing coming to visit me in about four weeks. I cant wait.

Matthew sleeping peacefully on the couch.

And boxes....

boxes...

everyware!!!!

So if we are lucky (which I don't believe in luck), we will make it to church this morning and try and clean up this mess.

Just making it real!!

And for your viewing pleasure. Check out Chelsea's new mouth piece. It is our first attempt at correcting her complete cross bite. We click it every night and it spreads her pallet.

Oh no you didnt!?!?!?!?

2010-03-06T05:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my day off. I was looking forward to getting all the kids off to school and spending the day at home with Skyler packing and just enjoying the day. I love my Fridays. So, that's how it went, I got the kids up, sent them off to the bus, and started packing. It was a nice quiet day. The only time I left the house was to run to the kids NEW schools and register them. I was gone about an hour and a half.

Around two forty five the two middle kids came home and around four o'clock my sister came over. She had a fun girls sleepover planned and stopped by to pick up the girls. We waited for Chelsea's bus (the thirteen year old) to get there, but the bus came and went and Chelsea was not on it. I thought for sure that we missed her, that she HAD to have made it off the bus and if she didn't then she would call me soon telling me she missed the bus.....but none of this happened.

I started to get worried. I was home all day and she wasn't with me and I was sure she WENT to the bus stop this morning even though I didn't see her get on the bus. (the bus is just across the playground from my apartment)

I decided that it was just to fishy so I called the school. The phone rang and the vice principle answered the phone. We are on a first name basis now this year (sigh).

Me: Hello, this is Chelsea's mom. She didn't get off the bus today can you look around and see if she is there with you?

VP: Well I didn't see her at lunch today let me check the attendance chart..(pause while she is looking)...OK I can see that she was not at school today. She was marked absent. I'm so sorry.

Me: (nearly in tears and now in panic mode) Well what do I do? Do I call the cops. I cant imagine where she would be for more then eight hours all day.

VP: Actually, calling the cops wont do any thing because they will not file a missing persons report until she is gone for 24 hours. Maybe you could wait until about six o'clock to call. Usually they come home by then because they are hungry for dinner.

Me: (really panicking now and just really annoyed at the police policy) OK Ill go and call her friends.

VP: OK but please call me and let me know if she shows up. I'm so sorry.

So, I get off the phone, in tears, wondering what to do. I have all these visions of really bad things going through my head. What if she ditched school and got abducted? What if she is having sex with some boy?

As soon as I turn the corner from my room I hear "Chelsea get in here." I run out to the living room and there she is (at five o'clock in the evening) right outside the porch. The look on her face was a tell all.

We managed to get her in the house. She had ditched with her friend. They just decided they didn't want to go to school so they walked around town ALL DAY LONG. That's more then eight hours of just walking around town. No food no water...just wandering around town. She said she had fun and she wasn't sorry she did it. She went on to say that she tries to be a good girl but its just to hard.

I took her makeup away and grounded her but the drama didn't end there. She was very mad at me and pulled the dad card again. Every time she is mad at me she goes to her dad and begs him to buy plane tickets for her so she can live with him and be an only child. PPLLLEEAAASSEEE!!! Can you say DRAMA????? Honestly, I am sick of this. I am tired of the little games she plays. I told her that going to live with her dad was NOT an option and she better BUCK up and grow up because she is going to get expelled from school and end up doing eighth grade again.

The worst part is that now she has her dad all confused. He desperately wants her to come live with him but he knows I don't agree with separating the kids. I want him to understand that she is just growing up and going through all these phases. I think his heart just hurts because he misses them. Its just not in the kids best interest to be separated. I refuse to do it. Here are a few reasons that Chelsea (just last night) says are the reasons she wants to live with her dad:

1. She can listen to any music she wants to, even if it has cussing in it.
2. She can accidentally cuss in front of her dad and he doesn't mind.
3. Her dads wife will let Chelsea do virtually ANYTHING she wants.
4. She will be an only child.

I think she has a very deranged view of what life would be like at her dads. She has only spent a month or two at a time with him since she was four years old. What she fails to realize is that if she was living with him full time...things would not be much different then here.

So, beyond all the drama of my pre-teens and teens, the count down continues to moving day. I am SUPER excited. We move on the 13th. I cant wait to get the kids out of these schools. I cant wait to get out of this STINKING neighborhood. I CANT WAIT!!!!!!!

My new strategy: To take my rent and pet deposit down to the property management company early and see if I can get the key to my new place early. We will see if it works.

GOOD NEWS!!

2010-03-01T17:09:00.001-08:00

WE GOT THE TOWNHOME. We were approved just today. More to come. Now Im off to pack and call the electric company and find people to help me move!!!! Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes. WE ARE SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FREAKING OUT!!!

2010-02-28T08:15:00.001-08:00

I'm a bundle of nerves this weekend. We found a place that we like. Its adorable and perfect for us with a washer and dryer, two car garage (can you say whoop whoop), and a wood burning fire place. Its two level and we love it.

My strategy worked. I brought my security deposit and gave it to the lady and she locked us in. Nobody else can put their application in because they work on a first come first serve basis. The only problem is, its a property management company and she had about five other rental applications to process before mine (different addresses). She said that maybe she would get to it yesterday but not to fret if I didn't hear from her because she had so much to do. I didnt hear from her so I called her and she said she had not been able to process it yet so it looks like Ill be waiting until Monday to hear anything. AHHHHHHHH!!!!

I'M FREAKING OUT HERE. Do you all think I have anything to worry about? I don't owe any past rent and I have always paid on time, so if she pulls my credit she will see that I have a low credit score but of course she will also see that my bad credit is not because of not paying rent to any landlord. Also if she pulls my criminal history she will also see that I have never been in trouble. Am I worrying for nothing?

In the meantime, me and the kids continue to pack. If we get approved we will be moving on the 13th. I was really hoping to hire a moving company but I just don't have the funds for it so I am going to rely on friends and family which is also going to be hard because I don't have many people to ask. God is going to have to step in and help me on that one.

Here are some pictures of the place. It is a little retro with the orange counter tops but we don't mind because we are just happy with counter tops that are not covered with paint like we have now. We just want a place to live.

Going broke on background checks!

2010-02-26T05:21:00.000-08:00

Well, with the impending move I have managed to pack a few boxes. Thank you Wal-mart for the lovely free boxes. I love it.

I have spent many hours on craigslist and other rental web sites trying to track down the "perfect" place to live for me and the kids. Here lies the problem. These landlords charge a NON-refundable $25 dollar application fee. I could seriously go broke if I were to turn one in for all the places I was interested in. This is crazy. Not only that but I'm not the only applicant that they have...they get to choose who the best tenant would be from the five or six different applicants. Are there seriously that many people looking for rentals right now? I'm going to go look at one today and at least five different people have already turned in the application. The lady said to me "but nobody has paid a deposit yet." LOL So....here are my thoughts: Money talks right? If I show up with my deposit in hand and offer it to them with my application, then that should shoot me up at the top of the list right? (grin)

I REALLY don't have time to sit around and wait for these landlords to decide who is the best applicant...I figure I'M the best applicant because I will have the money!!!!!! (wishful thinking?) I'm just trying to get ahead of the game, and it truly seems like a game.

So, as it stands right now...I'm finding some really cute places. Chelsea is coming around to the idea of moving and has even softened her heart to it and is almost ready to decide to just switch schools this year so she can get to know the kids that she will be going to high school with.

I made it through another week of work. I am always thankful when a week ends because I feel accomplished. Accomplished because they didn't fire me (I'm still not sure they want to keep me), and I didn't miss any work....and most importantly...I did my best. I love my job....I really pray they soon decide that I'm a keeper.

COMMENTS!!!!!

I love your comments. I often feel bad because I don't comment often anymore on other peoples blog. I am hoping that my life settles down soon and I can do that; however, I am still a lurker/reader on your blogs so I am keeping up with all your wonderful lives. Thank you for caring for me and my family. I sure love you guys.

So...that's my update. Ill take some picture today of the town home I'm going to look at. WHOOOPEEEEE!!!!!!!

OK...what now Lord?

2010-02-25T04:38:00.000-08:00

We were so excited to move. It was an income regulated apartment so we were just waiting around for the paperwork to get approved. Me and the kids had been collecting boxes and packing things we didn't need and dreaming of our washer and dryer....well....I may have been the only one dreaming of a washer and dryer, but you get the point.

It was yesterday (Wednesday) and I was at work when I got a phone call that said "Rebekah, I have some news. Are you sitting down?"

Sigh!!!

I was then informed that the apartment I was applying for was not available to me because I made to much money. I make exactly three hundred dollars to much. I was a little shell shocked. I had gone over my income with these people before I went through this whole process to avoid such a situation and now I found myself smack in the middle of an impossible seeming story. He then went on to tell me that they did have a market value apartment (same EXACT apartment as the income regulated one) for $945.00 a month. I cant afford rent that high. Its just COMPLETELY out of my range.

I told the man thank you and hung up. I had already given my apartment complex my thirty day notice...but that was only two days ago so I just figured that I would call and ask them to disregard my notice and then I would save up and move in the summer instead of right now. Everything was going to be OK.

I finally reached my lunch hour yesterday so I dialed the phone number to my apartment complex and gave them the low down.....

Me: Hi Crystal. I wont be moving...it fell through can you cancel my 30 day notice?

Crystal: Oh OK...can you hold on a minute?

Me: Sure.

Crystal: Rebekah...I'm sorry but we have already rented out your apartment and they already signed the lease. You have to be out by March 17th.

I was heartbroken. I cried almost my whole lunch hour wondering what I was going to do. How was I going to find a place to live in three weeks? How was I going to afford the security deposit? I only have saved a few hundred. I felt defeated, hopeless. My heart and my pocket book were really counting on this very affordable and cute apartment and now it was gone and the possibility of being without a place to live was just around the corner.

So that was yesterday...today is the same situation and I really don't know what I am going to do. Please pray for me and my family. Everybody is sad especially Chelsea. She is just about to graduate from eight grade. She wants to graduate with all her friends and is so scared of what might happen with us moving away.

Seems impossible.....but I am hopeful. What now Lord?

A fun giveaway!!

2010-02-21T21:32:00.000-08:00

I have lots to say but am so tired. My fun life of sick kids and trying to make it to work and not get fired continues. So this will be short/sweet but exciting.

Rebekah (Ty's momma) is having her first giveaway!! Its a super cool picnic bag tote of you win...and if you dont win you could go on over to the maker of the bags site and buy one. Go check it out HERE. I cant wait to see who wins. I hope its me!!!

Reflection...

2010-02-17T04:51:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up to a fresh set of Tyrus videos to watch. It five thirty in the morning and I'm here with tears in my eyes, watching Ty laugh it up with his momma while she desperately tries to get him to do tricks on camera. He really does go into shell shock when that camera goes on.

As I sit here and watch Ty grow I remember that it wasn't that long ago when my kids were little like that. It was me on the floor trying to make them blow kisses and do all the fun tricks that they had been trying to master for weeks.

Now they are big and I find myself taking them for granite many times. Its a whole different story when they are not babies and you are not wiping their butts or carrying them to the bath tub. Now they do all that on their own and our relationship is so different. I remember when all they wanted was a cup of milk and a chance to sit as close to mom as they could. Now, they still want the milk, but the "close to mom" thing is not so much there. The kids focus (Ive noticed) is to become independent, and they desperately seek to be their own persons.

I'm having a hard time adjusting to this. I'm being stretched and pulled and tested daily. I honestly don't know how we make it through the weeks. Except for Gods grace...I'm not sure I would make it.

I remind myself daily that this is all part of growing up for them. Its a bit scary for me because I am doing it alone...so it helps me to remember that every kid goes through these stages, and it is just different stages of life.

Through it all, parenting is still the best job ever. Everything I do revolves around them. In fact lately I have realized that I probably need to plan a night out. I have noticed a bit of grumpy in my attitude. But I think that can be fixed with a fun night out at the movies. Taking care of me needs to go back at the top of the list.

We are so excited to move. We have not received a move in date yet, but we will, and Ill announce it on here. I want to post before and after pictures (good apartment vs. bad apartment LOL). Thank you all for your sweet comments. I'm so glad to have you all as readers. You are dear to me.

I think reflection is the best medicine. Ty makes me reflect a lot. I could watch a million other babies videos, but he is different, and when I watch him play and laugh with his momma and daddy, it brings my life back in perspective. Watching him makes me remember where I have come from...and where I want to go, and how I want to parent my kids. Thank you God for Ty....thank you God for all my kids.

Choices!

2010-02-16T04:51:00.000-08:00

I really hate making big choices. I don't seem to make them very well and I cant seem to make them on my own. Ive been wondering what to do with our living situation for a long time now. We live in a very old apartment complex. Its been upgraded and painted and painted again until I'm sure the walls are two times thicker because of it. I don't really have counter tops because for some reason when ever a new resident moves in...they just put a fresh coat of paint on top of the counter tops. Weird hugh? We are not picky. The reasons we picked this complex over the others was the vast amount of play area. We have seen some hard times here but we have seen some fun times as well. But, we are tired of our over painted walls and counter tops...and climbing the stairs to do laundry. We are ready for an upgrade.

I wanted to buy a house this summer. I have been looking and looking. I got my tax money back and started paying off past due bills...fixing the jeep AGAIN...and buying a few things that we needed. I slowly watched the money that was intended to get into a house dwindle down. Even as I was looking for a new place to "buy" I never felt at peace about it. I just didn't feel like it was the right time. Money kept flying out of my wallet and I just kept thinking "I'm not ready to be financially responsible for a house yet." So here again lies the choices thing again. I don't want to be strapped for cash. So many things play into this. I had to hire a babysitter to "sit" with the kids after school so they wouldn't kill themselves. LOL (which is going wonderfully and well worth the almost two hundred "extra" dollars a month I will be paying).

Another thing that bothers me is my Victoria. She is constantly sick and Im not talking about having colds. She just never feels good. I cant figure it out...and I dont know what to do about it. I can only assume that because she is highly allergic to mold, and this place is full of it, that she isnt doing well here because of it. The sooner I leave...the sooner (in my mind) she will feel better.

After much much thought, I decided (and believe me when I tell you that for me to make a choice on my own without anyone else's opinion is hard) to just upgrade to a better apartment for now. So...in a months time, me and the kids will be moving. We will be living the life of luxury with counter tops that are not painted, our own washer and dryer IN OUR APARTMENT, a fireplace, french doors, after school activities in the office, and vaulted ceilings with ceiling fans. Yes we are ready to be spoiled. (grin) Its only a hundred dollars more a month but I think it will even itself out because of how the utilities are done. We are excited!!!!

I'm not always sure that I make the right decisions, and I am most certain that not everyone will be happy with me, but they are my decisions to make...and make them I did.

OH MY!!

2010-02-09T05:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had to go to Chelsea's school to get some homework for her because she is suspended. (which is a whole other story) Its been snowing here for three days so everything is icy and slippery. I had my work shoes on because after I had to go straight to work. We walked up the long sidewalk covered in snow and ice and entered the school. The school bell had just rang and all the kids and teachers were in the halls making their way to the next classes and laughing and talking. I felt like I was back in high school and I fit right in because most of the kids were taller then me. Here I am with my work clothes on and my big winter coat and my cool new purse when all of a sudden...my feet went out from underneath me and I fall straight down. My purse hit the floor and so did I. I looked up and everyone was watching me. I was mortified. LOL Nobody came over to help...they just stared. Chelsea said "mom, are you OK?" I quickly got off the floor...motioned to everyone in the "coolest" way I could that I was OK and started walking really fast to my daughters locker. Any semblance of "cool" was lost. As I walked down the hallway I could hear the kids snickering behind me...so in order to join with them in the fun of laughing at me...I turned around...looked at them...and laughed with them. They just looked at each other like "shes weird." I'm such a geek. LOL

A Victorian Ball!

2010-02-06T23:26:00.000-08:00

Things are much better around here. We got through the sicknesses. It seems that the kids are feeling much better. I still have to deal with the "I don't feel good" or "my legs hurt" or "my head hurts," kinda thing but other then that all is well. Thank you everyone for your kind comments. Its so good to know I am not alone out there and not the only one who goes through these things.

The girls had a wonderful opportunity to attend a Victorian style dinner with dancing and the whole shebang. They rented period style dresses...had their hair done all fashioned like and off to the ball they went with my mom and her boyfriend. Here are some pictures of my sweet little (or not so little anymore)girls. They looked so precious.

Here pictured with the girls and Skyler is my mom. Thanks mom for showing the girls such a wonderful time.

Repeat and repeat again...

2010-02-01T04:59:00.000-08:00

This weekend went OK. One of my dear friends gave us her living room furniture this weekend so that was quite a treat. We now have a love seat and couch...as well as a lazy boy chair and a sitting chair. The kids are thrilled that everyone has their own piece of furniture to call their own for movie night. Nobody has to sit on the floor.

From there though...everything has gone down hill. Skyler has ran a fever the past two nights....I'm not sure why. He has a cold but I cant understand how he can be sick again after he was just sick last week. Could it be that he is so new to daycare and they are just passing it back and forth to eachother? And can it happen that quickly and often? It only spikes in the evening and then breaks before morning. Matthew was complaining of an ear ache. He just missed three days of school last week because he was sick and yesterday (Sunday night) I had to rush him to the urgent care where he was quickly and swiftly diagnosed with an ear infection. So that makes two ear infections for him in two months. WHAT THE HECK?!?!?!?!

So yesterday when I had finally got home from Walgreen's getting Matt's prescription, I get home, get Skyler's fever managed and sit down on the chair to sleep (I cant sleep in my bed because the girl did the laundry which is a whole different story)...and low and behold Victoria comes in crying.

"Mom," she says. "I didn't want to tell you because I thought it would go away but I have a pain so bad in my lower back that I can hardly walk and it made me fall to the ground it is so painful." I immediately think "kidney infection" and give her ibuprofen as well as a heating pad and send her to bed. I am about to wake her up to see if this mysterious pain has disappeared over night.

Pray for me friends. I feel so alone and frustrated. Three kids out of four not feeling well. I have to make it to work. I know this is a big complaining post but it is my life right now and I am just distraught.

I feel like the kids just keep getting sick over and over again (repeat and repeat again). I hope I can get through this week.

Help me Jesus!!!!!

One year ago...

2010-01-27T20:45:00.000-08:00

I was reminded today by Rebekah (my babies momma) that today marks the one year anniversary of me finding and picking them to be the parents of my baby. She is so good with dates. I had not put two and two together. For her though...the 27th is a very special day as it marks much heartache, waiting, hoping, and praying for a baby. Now though...this date will forever be remembered as the day the "promise" of a baby came to her through my "call."

If you can get past the bad grammar and spelling mistakes and the obsessive need to type "them" all the time...you can read my post one year ago here.

Life has certainly changed since one year ago. Instead of worrying about how I was going to handle giving up a baby and how my kids were going to react, and how I was going to react...I am now watching this precious boy grow in happiness. Life couldn't get much better for him...he has all he needs, and although I am so blessed just to be in his life, what also makes it wonderful for me is seeing the joy of parenting for the first time through Ben and Rebekah's eyes.

The other day Rebekah sent me an envelope full of Christmas pictures and a new set of Ty's hand prints. I love those by the way. In the letter she said something that blew me away. She said "look at our little boy." It stopped me in my tracks. All this time I have been trying so hard not to take anything away from them. I wanted all the firsts to be theirs...the first night...the first time putting baby into the car seat...the first staying up all night and getting no sleep LOL. Mostly though, I just wanted to take a step back and let them take the lead and step straight into the roll of parenting without me getting in the way and here she is calling Ty "our" little boy. She isn't afraid, she knows her place in Ty's life...and she has enough love for me to involve me in such a way as to call him my son as well as hers. It literally brought me to tears on how loved I felt in that moment. I know my place. I will be called Rebekah by him and he will know who I am. But the words "Our boy" Wow! The irony of it all. Thanks Rebekah!

Did I shave my legs for this?

2010-01-26T20:50:00.000-08:00

A song I used to listen to over and over again when I was younger has a line in it that says "did I shave my legs for this." It talks about how you prepare for things that are supposed to be special and it turns out to be not as big of a deal as it was hyped up to be. I can think of many things in my life that fit into this scenario.

Sometimes I look back and feel like life has just slipped away from me. I remember when I became pregnant at the age of nineteen. Unmarried...scared...unsure if what was happening to me was real. Feeling like I was just going through the motions.

Becoming a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me outside of being saved. When you first have a baby...its truly miraculous. You are responsible for this tiny helpless little bundle of cuteness. I fell into that role very easily...again...and again...and again. Having babies made me feel loved...wanted...needed. I know, its a horrible reason to have children, but looking back, its the truth about my reality. I had a horrible marriage and a low self esteem and my babies made me feel important...it truly was peaches and cream to me.

Now my reality has changed. I have four children, three of which are bigger now. They are still young, but its a heck of a lot different for me now that I cant just pick up their little bodies and put them into bed with a spanking and a sippy cup and a promise of another spanking if I catch them up again. Now I have so much more to worry about. It overwhelming.

Years ago I was 18 and worrying about if my hair looked OK because I was going to meet my boyfriend and we were going to go out and have fun. Getting pregnant was not on my mind...consequences did not come into play. What mattered most was what felt good at the time...and not just sex. I lived for the moment. I cant say for sure if my behavior was completely responsible for the position of my life right now. I try to make the best of it, but I can tell you for sure that the consequences of my past do cross my mind every day....and I find myself asking this question....

Did I shave my legs for this?