Thursday, November 6, 2014

Speaking from my heart!

When I was a little girl we spent a lot of time outside. There were no video games or cable TV. We entertained ourselves with bicycles, bugs, dirt, and games of tag and hop scotch. I remember many times being outside and seeing a dust devil and chasing it in hopes of being able to get inside of it and see how it felt. I was actually successful a couple times. They never lasted long, but when I was inside of them I could feel the wind whirling around me and the little dust pellets hitting my cheeks. The whirling and twisting wind felt funny as it pulled my clothes and then it was gone just as quickly as it came.

If I could describe my life in one word it would be "whirlwind." Whirlwinds are winding, twisty, fast, unpredictable, dirty and sometimes destructive. Because of the "nature" of my life, I think I have become accustom to the constant and unpredictable changes that have occurred throughout my years and I'm feeling unsettled. The only way I can describe the way I feel is for you to imagine yourself in an empty room surrounded by windows. Outside the windows is a HUGE meadow filled with all kinds of wild flowers just calling out for someone to run through them. Your standing in the middle of this room surrounded by windows and no door. You so badly want to get out of the room and run through this beautiful meadow but you cant because there is no way out. The windows represent my fear of what "might" happen in the future despite the fact that my present is secure. I can not allow myself to be fully happy because I am not sure if what I have right now will last.

In 2010 I started a journey...a personal journey to get healthy inside and out. I had a lot of weight to loose and I had a lot of emotional baggage to sort through. I have lost 130 pounds and I have about 39 pounds left to loose but my emotional journey is not over. I LONG to be healthy on the inside and I cant wait for the day that I will be able to let myself be free to be completely happy, and run through that "beautiful meadow" with my shoes off and my face to the wind. Fortunately, I have my faith in God keeping me grounded. When I reach an emotional low I listen to this song and this song over and over again. They calm me.

Lately I feel like the relationships in my life need some attention. For so long I have focused only on the things in front of me (usually those things have been pure chaos), and not enough on the relationships that matter the most. My relationship with my husband is strong and I am so grateful for that. I pray every day that the Lord blesses me this time with a LONG and lasting marriage...I love him so much and I don't want to loose him. My relationships with my children are the ones I feel have suffered. When you are a single mom with so many small children you go into survival mode. I made sure they were fed, and clothed, and went to school. I made sure I hugged and kissed them before bed and then I would take my weary emotionally tired body and sleep, only to do it all again the next day. I don't feel like I nurtured my children emotionally and many nights I would go to bed feeling so guilty and asking myself.....Did I hug them enough? Did I talk to them enough? Did I love them enough? I had so much guilt.

Now my kids are older. My oldest is 18 and my youngest (my sweet birth son, Tyrus) is five. I am trying so hard to make up for lost time even with sweet Tyrus. As many know I gave him up for adoption five years ago. I remember before he was born I vowed to myself that I would write him one letter a month for his first year of life and then after that I would write at least one letter every six months or so. I have literally FAILED at communicating very much with him. I really do beat myself up over it. How could I fail at such a simple task? If it wasn't for Tyrus's mother Rebekah, I don't know how much we would talk. She lets him call me and no matter how busy I think I am with the other four kids I have at home I always make sure to answer his phone calls. He is always so happy to talk to me.

In an effort to improve the relationships in my life I have tried very hard to make more phone calls and send more letters. I pat myself on the back for calling my grandma(lovingly called Nana) on her birthday last week. This was unusual for me and I was proud of myself for putting forth the effort to nurture my relationship with her.

About a month ago I made a video (you can watch it here) for Tyrus telling him that I was going to send him some seeds from my pumpkin patch so he could grow his own pumpkin patch from MY pumpkin patch next year. He was THRILLED to get this message from me. I thought it would be a great way to link my life with his in an unusual way. I went a little crazy though and decided to dry seeds from all my favorite foods and send them to him. I was so proud of myself for pulling this off. Two days ago I sent him his seeds. Here are some pictures of what I sent him.
 I made sure to write a special letter.
I turned 39 on October 19th. My goals this year are to get down to my goal weight of 150 (I have 39.2 pounds left, you can follow my weight loss journey here,) to get healthy inside so that I don't live in fear of what the future holds, and to nurture these relationships that I feel I have left behind. I believe we were created to have relationships...the things of this world will pass away some day but the people we love are lasting.