Monday, December 13, 2010
People are so different these days. I remember when I was a little girl riding my bike through the streets of small town Grand Junction, Colorado. All the neighborhood kids were out playing in the creak...all the parents were on the look out for us...and the parents spoke to each other. I remember my mom finding out things that I did that she could not have possibly found out without the help of a neighbor friend. Our parents were networking...sharing information....watching out for us.
Its not like that now. I have had some very good girlfriends disown me for (what I could figure at the time) no apparent reason. Later I would find out that they caught my daughter doing something inappropriate and they assumed I was letting her do it so they decided that they didn't want to be my friend anymore. They didn't stop and talk to me...they didn't GRAB my daughter by the EAR and drag her home and tell me what she had been up to.....no....they just walk by her...give her a dirty look and not tell me. I'M THE PARENT! Why would someone think I would let my kids do those things?
The point is, the parents these days are not networking anymore. You better believe that if I see your kid out smoking or making out or doing inappropriate things...I'M GOING TO TELL YOU! Are we so busy in life now that we cant be concerned for anybody outside our little homes? Don't people know that what other peoples kids do affects our kids as well? It matters...it all matters!
Through a series of events I found out that one of the boys in my daughters school was dealing drugs. I didn't know this boys name, only his code name "Elmo." I started asking around so I could find out who "Elmo" was. I eventually did get his name...sat my happy butt on the computer and pulled up Facebook. Oh how I love facebook. Its the parents guide to who's who. I looked up this kids name and lo and behold he had listed his mom on his facebook. I pulled up everyone in my little town that had her name and started calling everyone of them (at midnight) to see who had a boy by this name. I did find her....and I did tell her. I felt it couldn't wait until morning....it directly affected my children....and it was imperative that she knew RIGHT away. She didn't say much to me. I could hear sorrow and worry in her voice. She said thank you, and I never heard from her again. At that point is was not my problem anymore.
This boy "Elmo" is a bright young man. He playes two instruments, and enjoys some sports. He has a bright bright future, but not while he is on drugs. He isn't my kid, but I care about him.
I'm so so sad how things have turned out the past few years. This is a dog eat dog world for sure. I remember when the kids were little I would say to myself "It will be so nice when they can wipe their own butts." If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't not have thought that. I would gladly go back to that stage if I could protect my kids a little longer from this harsh world. I grew up in the Christian school. I don't feel like I have the skills to defend all the mess the public schools dish out. I feel powerless, alone, sometimes hopeless. I lean on God to get me through. He is my strength, my strong tower.
My advice: Watch out for each other. If you see someone else's kid fall (drugs, sex, smoking, whatever it is), pick them up, drag them home, and TATTLE on them. I know not every parent cares. I see lots of kids just roaming the streets and neighborhoods without supervision...with a cigarette in hand. I know that we cant hold our kids hands forever, and I know things are beyond crazy right now with our youth, but don't pass them by...if you know them, help them, if you don't know them and its in your power to do something, do it!
I wish someone would have helped me! Hold me Jesus! Father hold our children in your arms...dont let go...dont let go!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Her blog address is: http://www.reachingupforhope.blogspot.com/.
All the love you all have given me has sure helped. I'm hoping she can get the same love through her brand new blog.
Be back later!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
My daughter is gone. She doesn't want to come home. I will praise you in this storm. She said I'm not her mother anymore and she is living with a new mother. This women that she is staying with is a stranger to me. Ive never met her. She has allowed my daughter (a runaway) to stay in her home. She has not bothered to call me or to contact the police. All this women knows is what my daughter has told her. I will praise you in this storm.
I have been a single mom for eleven years now. Ive begged, borrowed and even been homeless in those eleven years. Ive cherished my motherhood and my (then three) but now four (save Tyrus which makes five) precious children. Ive fought to keep food on the table...worked odd jobs...gotten fired from jobs because of precious sick babies...and even gave one of my sweet babies up for adoption for the good of all of them. And now.....I might have to let another one go. I will praise you in this storm.
When do you waive the white flag? When do you say you have had enough? The answer is never. When you are a mom you never give up, you never say quit. I'm now facing a situation that overwhelms me. I was overwhelmed to began with. I work forty hours a week which leaves little time for dinner and homework. I know that my time with the kids is lacking...but I don't have anyone to pick up the slack. Its just me...me and my four babies. I know that is why my daughter doesn't want to live here. She needs more then I have been able to give her. I'm a good mom, but I'm not enough. My heart is broken....again, its hardly had time to heal from Tyrus. She wants to live with her grandma.
This is ripping my heart out. It is rocking me to my core. It wasnt supposed to be this way. GOD WHERE ARE YOU!!!??
And though my heart is torn...I will praise you in the storm.
She has been gone now for five nights. Please pray!!!!
"Oh God, have mercy on me. I cant take much more."
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Wind and sand have blown through me
Haven't found shade anywhere
Only moments of relief
But sometimes I think I hear the thunder
Somewhere on the horizon line
If i could just find a way to get under
The rain that can reach this soul of mine
I pray for rain to come
And wash away what's made me numb
I pray for a ragging storm
To drown what's in me
And the rain comes in the nick of time
I swallow hard cause my throat's been dry
The rain comes beating on my skin
Till I'm washed away - nothing left within
When the rain comes
Monday, October 25, 2010
Me and six of my girlfriends from work all piled into our vehicles and arrived at a college campus where the conference was being held. The first speaker was a lady. If anyone watches CSI, there is a new episode called "Hoarders" and she is the lady who plays the hoarder in the episode. She was very inspirational.
The second speaker spoke on "Love and Logic." By the second hour of his speech I was sold. I just knew that this was how I wanted to start teaching my kids and I listened with my ears WIDE open. Of course two hours is not enough time to soak everything Love and Logic is about so I purposed in my heart to get the book. It was not good news when I found out the book was thirty dollars. Luckily my friend had a copy and let me borrow it that night. I'm on chapter two and still really love it. Its not the kind of thing you can step into easily. Its very intricate and a bit complicated and it has to be a very thoughtful process.
I wanted to share with you my very first attempt at trying this Love and Logic out on my two middle ones who like to fight and bicker. Keep in mind that the kids knew I went to a parenting class and that I brought home a book but I was careful not to share any of my new parenting tricks with them or talk about it in front of them.
Setting the scene:
Victoria and Matt are fighting over God knows what. I'm trying to keep my cool but its really getting on my nerves. Determined to try this new process I think very calmly about my words, take a deep breath, put on my most "tired and exhausted" face...and say....
"All this bickering and fighting is rreeeaaalllyy zapping my energy. Sigh!! (taking a deep breath as if really tuckered out). I'm going to need you both to refill my energy. Please start thinking of things you can do for me to put my energy back."
They both stop their fighting, and just stare at me as I'm still acting reeaally worn out. LOL
I started to walk away when I heard Victoria start giggling. I turned around to see what she was giggling about and she said to me "mom, did you get that out of your new parenting book?"
I immediately felt laughter welling inside me. I said nothing to her, turned around and ran up the stairs as quickly as I could before I exploded in laughter.
It didn't work out the way I had planned. I guess I have to get a little smarter next time. LOL
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
God is good all the time. The hard times outweigh the good times right now in my life, but I have to say that reaching this destination and continuing on through the rest of the day....qualified as good times. I see God working. I don't know how its going to end but I continue to trust that God knows what he is doing....cause sure as heck I sometimes don't.
Friday, October 8, 2010
My children do not seem to have that same switch that turns on that tells them they have boundaries. They are so different then me. Or maybe they are just like me? I cant figure it out.
Regardless of the circumstance, I didn't sign up for this heartache and pulling and pushing and give and take. Life didn't seem so difficult for me as a child. My parents had their share of heartache, but honestly I think I have triple of what they had. Is it because I have more kids and because I am all alone in this?
I have a brand new view of what "mental health" means. I have a feeling that tomorrow I'm going to get a another dose of what I just went through this last week. I'm not sure I can handle two in a row.
What is it with kids these days? Can they not find any joy in life? What is missing? Life is not that bad. I always tell my kids to try and live ABOVE their circumstances. Yes they come from a broken home, and no they are not rich, but they have so much love and support and things....they have SOOO many things. The problem is, none of that matters when you are talking about "mental health." I have so much to learn.
I didn't sign up for this. I'm overwhelmed, my house is a wreck, I haven't had time to get groceries save the milk I keep buying at Walgreen's because its fast and convenient. I'm just going through the motions hoping it all slows down before it all passes by me. I keep asking God how long we have to wait. How long will we wait before he takes us away. This is no life...the one I'm living. I cant even enjoy these beautiful children I have....no time no time.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I have so many things to say but I have to be honest, I am going through some very tough things with one of my kids. I never thought that I would be going through this with any of my kids but I am.
I will not go into much detail but I do want to ask one question and in turn hopefully make a point. It has to do with mental health. I am so confused about the whole ADHD and depression treatments that they use. They say that these two diagnoses are treatable with a different assortment of medications and they say the medications are used to correct a chemical imbalance in our brains. My question is, why in the heck do they medicate our children (and some adults) with these medications without actually testing to see if there is ACTUALLY a chemical imbalance? How can a doctor really diagnose a person (child or adult) without some actual proof of an imbalance?
Can someone explain this to me?
I am truly truly exhausted but I had to come and spend a few minutes with you wonderful people. Most days I am very weary emotionally, but then Ill get a text on my phone at work that another person has commented on my blog and I get so excited and uplifted by your words. I read your comments all day long even while at work. I sure love all of you!!!!!!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Not long ago I bought some hair dye for Victoria. I intended on doing it for her because she had her hair dyed blond at some point this summer and she wanted it back to her normal color. I had told the girls that they needed to wait for me to do any hair dying. That stuff is so splattery and it gets on everything. Needless to say, they did not wait for me. I walked in the bathroom and there was hair dye on the carpet, on the sink and on a very nice hand towel that my deceased Aunt had given me. I was livid. I again reminded them that they were NOT to do this again without asking.
SOOOOOOO, tonight I walk in the bathroom to another very nice towel ruined due to one of the children (I wont mention names) not asking to dye their hair AGAIN. Seriously? Im thinking that this certain child has some of her/his own money and I just might take a bit of it and go buy another towel.
What would you do?
Sunday, September 26, 2010
We missed church last week. We played hooky to have a family day so today I decided that we couldn't miss this week. Everyone was dressed and we piled into the Jeep. Much to our dismay the Jeep didn't start. It tried everything I knew to make it work, gave up, and let the kids go play. I decided to scrap church and try to get a hold of my dad to fix my Jeep before I had to return to work.
The kids immediately jumped on their brand new (purchased really cheap at a pawn shop and not really new) bikes. Nothing I could do could get the Jeep to start so I stepped in the house to wash my hands and grab a drink.
This is when it gets REALLY exciting.....NOT REALLY, but OK here we go.
All of a sudden I hear a faint "MOM." My heart sunk. It was a weird "MOM" and sure enough, in comes my youngest two. The older one looked good, it was the younger one who took my breath away. He was oozing dark thick blood all down his face starting at his nose. I don't handle things like this very well. It was way to much blood for me to even know how to deal with it. I scooped up my youngest, set him on the counter, put a clean dish towel on his face, and grabbed the phone.
"911 operator. What is your emergency?"
"My son...my son was in a bicycle accident."
I knew I didn't have a running car and I was to freaked out to drive anyway, so 911 seemed the right choice for me.
The conversation with the women is a blur. I know she had to ask me the same questions over and over because she couldn't understand my babbling through my tears and fear. Skylers face was seriously in bad shape and I could barley stand to look at him without freaking out more. (Note to all my friends and family...do not expect much of me in an emergency situation.) I think Skyler did a better job of holding it together then I did.
By the time the paramedics showed up we were both covered in blood. I stepped out of the way while they examined his mouth and everything else. It was determined that he hit the corner of his eye and gashed his nose. They informed me that it was up to me if I wanted to take him to the hospital or an urgent care or if I wanted them to take us, but it was advised that he be seen by someone. Seeing as how I didn't have a running vehicle, and even if I did I shouldn't be driving, I opted for the ride to the hospital in the ambulance.
Now you would think that Skyler would just be giddy about riding in an ambulance. Its one of his absolutely favorite things besides a trash truck or a tractor...but needless to say, he was not thrilled. Try putting a four year old in shock into a gurney. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. They had to call their supervisor to get permission to at least strap his car seat on the gurney for the trip to the hospital. Permission was given and off we went.
To make a long story short, Skyler required stitches; however, in order to place the stitches in my extremely stubborn and strong willed child, it was decided that he should be sedated. Good call doc!! The only problem was that nobody warned me about the side effects of someone going in and coming out of sedation. Its SOOO scary. They literally hallucinate and loose their sight while coming in and out of that mess. I never want to go through that again.
It was a horrible, no good, very bad day. But I have to say something about my family. All the while I was at the hospital with my youngest, my family rallied together to take care of my other three kids. My sister in law made dinner for the family and an awesome pitcher of tea. She organized the picking up of the house as well. My mom watched the kids at her house and mine and kept the peace. She also gave me a ride home with my precious baby boy, making sure to make a stop at the store so that I could stock up on pop cycles. My brother in law got my car back in order and running. The most embarrassing part of the day is that my Jeep wasn't really broke...I had ran it out of gas. (can I cry some more now?)
I love my family. My mother in law offered me support from afar by text. All in all, I am left with so much (although I wish I could get rid of this "after crying so much" headache.)
Skyler walked out with a hematoma on his eye (AKA: a shiner) and ten stitches in the middle of his face. Here is a before and after picture.
Keep in mind that we had LOTS of waiting time in the emergency room. I had done everything I could to make him comfortable. We were just waiting for the doctor to come in. It was so horrible. He kept looking at me and saying "mommy, Im so sad."
Here is a bit after he was stitched up. He was still woozy from the medication. Can you see his blue stitches?
I think my son needs more then a helmet. I think he needs a football helmet. The cause of this accident was actually a head on collision with another little boy on a bike. His face was the only thing injured. I purposefully put pants and a long sleeve shirt on him just for protection in case he fell. Thank goodness he is OK.
I am sooo happy to end this day. Yesterday I was bragging that my son was riding his bike so well without training wheels, and today Im blogging about how he was blown over by another biker.
He is doing really good now and as predicted, asked to ride his bike as soon as we got home. Of course I promptly answered "NO." LOL It didnt take long for him to get his "spitfire" back.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Im just completely proud of my bike riding without training wheels, four year old.
It was the first time he took off on his own. Up until this point he couldnt get started by himself. I fully expected to put training wheels on his new/used bike, but to my surprise he got on, took off, and that was the end of it. Sweet thing.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Sarah thinks I should mind my own business and keep my kids away from other kids that do things I don't agree with. I don't go to other peoples houses and just tattle on their kids. I genuinely care about all children and when I see one doing something that I think might potentially hurt them then I feel obligated to at least tell their parents. Didn't parents used to stand together? Didn't we used to have communities of people that would band together to make our children's lives better? Now we find dead children in basements or crawl spaces because, and Ill quote Sarah "its none of our business what other peoples children do." Well call me a nosy busybody if you want to, as a matter of fact call me whatever names you can think of, I don't care. As long as I live I will do what I can to advocate for children until I cant anymore, and for goodness sake, if you see my child stealing something from a store or smoking a cigarette I hope you will by all means butt your little self into my business and come and tell me. THANKYOUVERYMUCH!
Oh and by the way Sarah...thank you so much for posting a comment and being bold enough to actually put your name behind it. I have lots of respect for you.
GibsonTwins was also one of the ones I wanted to respond to. Unfortunately she did not allow us to see her profile. She pointed out that I live in a "low income" neighborhood. In fact I live in such a poor low income neighborhood that I pay nearly nine hundred dollars a month for rent all on my own without assistance. The truth is, you can live in the richest neighborhood in town and you will most likely have a crack head or a drunk living next door to you just like me, the only difference is that you have more money than me but you are NO DIFFERENT then us poor folk. Low income, middle class, upper class, it doesn't matter. We all have ten toes and two legs, and addictions, and temptations. Money doesn't define who we are, its what is inside. Your ignorance makes me sick. There is nothing wrong with spending time with the sick and hurting. I am not afraid to be near pot heads or drunks. I don't engage in their activities, but they are the heart of God, and where the heart of God is...I want to be. You mock Christians by saying that we are "great comedy" yet you hide behind a name. Your comments make me think you are angry with people like me. Is it because I speak my mind? Or is it because I don't believe the way you believe? Or maybe its simply because you don't understand me or you are unable to see another persons (rich or poor) point of view? I don't have the answer. I hope you find peace.
I wont stop fighting for these kids that I feel have been so failed by society. So much hurt, so much madness, no peace. I wish they could know peace. This boy next door that smokes is no different then my children or yours....he just has an unhealthy mom. I just figured that If I could help her, then I could help the kids. That's all.
Peace out! (I'm totally not a rapper)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
My ten year old son told me the other day that our neighbor kid (who's age is barely fifteen) smokes and to top it off, smoked around him. I wanted to back up the situation with someone else's information so I went to my fourteen year old (who is friends with the (barely) fifteen year old) and asked her about it. She told me that he indeed did smoke and that she had asked him not to smoke around her so that her hair doesn't smell like smoke. She knows that if she were to come home smelling like smoke then I would have her back side on a plate.
I am actually friends with this boys mom. We spent the summer sitting on the back porch laughing and enjoying Skyler running through the grass. We promised each other that we would watch each others kids and if we were to see anything then we would report to the other one the wrong doing and what kid was doing it. We talked about this frequently over the summer while my kids were gone. Of course the times I did talk to her she was either high on pot or so drunk she could hardly walk. I felt the need to spend time with her because she seemed to need a listening ear.
Today, because of our agreement, I decided to text this mom the news of her (barely) fifteen year old smoking in front of my kids. I thought I was doing something good and that she would appreciate the information as I would if my child was smoking and someone reported it to me.
To my surprise, my daughter (the fourteen year old) came to me after getting a text from the (barely) fifteen year old and reported that "His mom and her boyfriend know that he smokes. He didn't get in trouble at all.) She didn't respond to my text but clearly she did forward my text to her son, but not to tell him to stop smoking, but to scold him for being so stupid as to smoke in front of a ten year old and get caught by another adult.
I'm so lost for words. This situation (in my opinion) mirrors several months ago when I went to another mothers door to report that her daughter was kissing on another girl and she responded "well, at least they cant get pregnant doing that."
Our children are smothered in a world of enabling parents (me included in other areas) who would rather sit on their butts and watch TV then take the time to actually go outside and watch their kids play. I'm constantly aware of my children's whereabouts at all times. Of course there are times that they bend the rules and go outside the limits but I do my best to be on top of it.
Its time we are actually interested in the daily activities of our children. I believe that kids these days have to much free time and not enough structured family time, and if there is family time then its "TV TIME."
I think I could scream right now. YOU LET YOUR FIFTEEN YEAR OLD SMOKE!!!!?????!!!!!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Things have changed. I no longer have to wipe butts or hand feed the children or dress them (the older ones that is). They do all those things themselves. My worries have shifted. I'm in this stage now that I feel a little over protective. There are so many influences that can get in, I feel like I'm on constant protection mode. Did our parents go through this? I don't remember my parents being this stressed out. LOL
My thoughts very often shift to Tyrus. As I am going through my day and I am trudging through a situation with the big kids or trying to meet the needs of Skyler, I find myself thinking in relief "I'm so glad Rebekah and Ben have Tyrus covered." I say it in my head like he is my kid and then I feel guilty feeling that way because he really is Rebekah and Ben's child now and I don't have to worry about him; however, I don't think those feelings or thoughts will ever ever go away.
I have to keep telling myself that I am not disrespecting R and B by having those feelings, but that its natural. I often find myself driving down the road and looking back into my rear view mirror and counting the kids to make sure I didnt leave any behind. Now certainly I don't look for Ty but its just those moments of busyness's that I think "Is Ty OK? Oh wait, R and B have my back." LOL
Please tell me I'm not crazy!!!!
Rebekah often talks about Ty's graduation and how she longs for me to be there, but she worries how I will feel. Will I feel excedingly happy that he is graduating and accomplished so much, or will I mourn for what I missed as he grew to that stage?
I don't think the answer is an easy one. I would love to go to Ty's high school graduation. It would be so exciting and I would be so honored to share in such a beautiful day. The questions that would be going through my head that day are, "Does Ty want me here? Is he upset at me for the choices I made for him? Is he uncomfortable having me around?" I imagine he will grow up and look very similar to my other kids, but he wont have the same memories, or the same life. Certainly he will grow up knowing he was adopted and hopefully I would have taken a few trips out there so I wasn't a complete stranger, but I am certain that It will be a very emotional day. Of course by then I will have already been to four of my other kids high school graduations. What a weird thought.
The bottom line is, I am very blessed to even be talking about the possibility of going to my birth sons High School Graduation. When does that happen? Only God....Only God.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Seriously, my head could explode from thinking about all of this.
I agree that I am a pretty protective mom, yet pretty lenient in other areas, like letting them eat to many Popsicles. or riding their bikes into the night, and staying up late on the weekends, and sometimes (shhhhhh don't tell anybody) letting them eat cereal for dinner and then ice cream after that. I'm all for having fun together as a family but when it comes to other things like...letting my fourteen year old be alone with a boy, or letting the kids go into strangers houses, or crossing a six lane street on a bike, or have to much free time or unsupervised time while I'm at work, or going into strangers houses....that's when I get very very protective.
Why am I protective? I believe that children should be able to make mistakes naturally and then live with the consequences. But what if one of the girls were to fall pregnant at twelve or fourteen? Who gets to suffer those consequences? ME!!! Of course they are the ones that have to carry the baby, but they are under age and so me and their father get to deal with the extra cost and emotional expense. Or what if, per say, one of them becomes addicted to drugs? Who gets to deal with all of that drama? Well, they get to deal with the addiction but I have to deal with the other stuff that goes with it like taking them back and forth to counseling and the doctor and possibly a rehab clinic. I don't have time for that mess!
In my head it just seems simpler to not allow those addictions and temptations to take hold of them by not giving them the opportunity to even experience them. Some may say that its part of growing up...but I disagree. I made it through my whole life without having to "experience" drugs or sex at a very very young age. I think its ok NOT to do those things yet still experience life in other "safer" ways.
On the other hand, it has become nearly impossible to keep track of every waking moment my children have. I have tried and tried to keep account of all their activities so as to prevent the early pregnancies and drug temptations. I have literally driven myself crazy trying to keep everyone in this little shell. I am simply exausted.
How do I find a place that feels comfortable, yet still keeps the kids safe and accountable? How do I lay down the rules and feel positive about it? Im certain Im not the only parent that has these insecurities or struggles. The difference with me is that I dont have a husband to talk over things with and make decisions with. I find myself just living out of fear that my kids are going to get pregnant or do drugs and then as a result not live healthy productive lives. I cant keep my eye on all four of them at all times when Im responsible for getting dinner ready and paying the bills and bathing a four year old, and cleaning up the house, and keeping the laundry current, and keeping food in the house, and holding down a forty hour a week job, and keeping the kids in church.....sigh!
I need a husband....or maybe a part time nanny....or just some encouragment!!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
With the change in weather comes sickness. Here at my house we are getting our first dose of it. Matthew woke up with croup. He is old enough to stay home by himself so I wont miss work but I wonder who is next. If Skyler gets sick I will have to stay home. This is when I wish I had a husband to help. I wouldn't miss so much work if I could trade off with someone.
and taking really weird pictures of myself because I was bored late one night,
and putting up the harvest (Fall) tree. Which I made by myself thankyouverymuch!
Fall is most certainly here, and I couldnt be happier.
Thank you everyone for the wonderful encouraging comments on my last post. I treasure your words. Have a great day!!!!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Anyway, it has left me tired and grumpy. I really really want to have a fun night out with friends. I was supposed to go out last Friday but Chelsea was babysitting for my boss and I wanted to be home for her to call if she felt she needed me.
I am so grumpy and I think it has rubbed off on the kids. I feel horrible about it. Does anyone else get grumpy?
How many times can a child call out "mom" while in bed just to get attention.
Have you ever found yourself saying "now thats to many hugs....go to sleep."
Seriously? Can a child have to many hugs? Apparently I can because I said it....tonight.
Ok thats it....Im done for the day. Good night!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Now her hair is purposely straightened, her makeup strategically placed, and her clothes carefully selected. Instead of playing with her barbies and baby dolls, now she focuses on her friends and her amazing gift of photography.
Many times I will hear her learning a new song on her piano or chatting with an old friend on her phone. She was the first grandchild born to both sides of our family. The day she was born she made me a mother and her daddy a father.
She is not boring, never dull, always engaged, very smart, and extremely beautiful.
Today was a special day for my first born. Her passage into her teen years was paved today when she........
got her braces on!
I think she is more adorable than ever!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
"Mom, your not listening to me."
"Mom, I was trying to talk to you in the car but you acted like I wasn't there."
"Mom, mom MOM!!!!!"
CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!
Of course I was not ignoring my child. I happen to be driving and I can actually remember HEARING her talking but I just couldn't do what I was doing (a left turn plus I had a friend following me who got lost) and have a conversation with her.
Does anyone else do that? Do you suddenly start hearing "MOM, MOM, MOM, I'm talking to you mom. Can you hear me?" And then you look down and the child is right beside you trying to talk to you but you are so preoccupied with all the other children trying to talk to you that you have selective hearing? Do you find yourself saying "Now hold on, I can only talk to one person at a time?"
CALGON ARE YOU THERE?
Ive spoken about the "time" it takes to have older children before. Unless my children are different then other children. I don't know but my kids seem to always be around, always needing me, not really watching TV, never playing video games, always engaged, always needing me, always always always.
I don't really mind it....well that is except when one of the children tells me that I am lacking when it comes to my listening skills and they need more. FOR REAL? More? Can I give more?
I think about that a lot. I seem to constantly be running to someones rescue, or breaking up someones fight, or making peanut butter and honey sandwiches (because that's all the four year old will eat) or dealing with boyfriend issues with the older ones, or finding shoes.....OY VEY!
Unfortunately a good long Calgon scented bath wont help me in this situation...so instead I find myself crying....
Father.....Abba Father....Lord....are you there? I'm freaking out here!
I know I can not be everything for my kids. I used to be riddled with a lot of guilt when I would let them down. The past year I have decided that I can not live my life that way. Instead I will cry out to my Heavenly Father for wisdom, and when I cant seem to be enough or do enough for the kids I will depend on the Lord to fill in the gaps.
And in the meantime....and just for good measure.....me and Calgon will be right back. Time to relax.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"
The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you."
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
She has the biggest heart of anyone I know. Her love pours out to people she doesn't even know.
There are many many things I love about Rebekah but I think that the next few things are my favorite.
Ive never regretted it for one day.
His smile tells me how much he loves her!
Monday, August 9, 2010
His momma just told me today. Her exact words were this "He puts his little arm in the air every time he takes a step - as if to say - "Look at me mom, I'm such a big boy!!" I couldn't be a prouder birth mommy...LOL. I don't get to see these things happen so I rely on all the fun pictures and videos that Rebekah sends me. These things make me very giddy. The other day she sent me another special package. Here is what the note inside said.
Wrestle like there is no tomorrow (this was just yesterday).Pose for the camera every time they can all while talking on the phone or riding in the car, it doesn't matter (teenagers...sigh). I have to admit...she is beautiful...she must get her looks from me. LOL (yeah right)
So what does that mean for me? Well for one...it means that since the kids came home and my mom so graciously gave us this wonderful drum set...I get to listen to the beginnings of a very popular band of which is yet unnamed. We will have Chelsea on the piano, Victoria on the flute, Matthew on the guitar and Skyler on the drums. Ahem...it will be wonderful!And secondly....laundry laundry laundry.Did I say laundry? (sigh) So the year begins.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
"Lord why does my mom have Multiple Sclerosis?"
"Why God do I have to get divorced....again?"
"Father, why am I a single mom...this is so hard?"
"Why do I have have to give my son up for adoption God? I love him so much?"
The "why's" are endless.
The answers are not always so plain...right away. Sometimes it takes years to see an outcome, and sometimes the answers never come, and I question Him again.
Ive become quite fond of a mother at the day care center I work at. She is very young but because of her life circumstances, looks very old. She has three children, two are twins and one four year old. All three children are borderline autistic and it shows. She is a single mom and is struggling to keep it together. She is not a Christian but a self proclaimed Wiccan. The daycare center I work for is a Christian ministry. We do not push our beliefs on the children, but instead we only try to set a good example for them and show them His love through our actions. Our demographic is low income and the children that come to our center are all colors of the rainbow, we love that part by the way. Sometimes my boss (the director) will come to my desk and we will stare at the children walking past my desk and he will look at me and say "arnt the children beautiful? Look how colorful they are." They walk by with deep brown, creamy white, and soft tan skin. Beautiful! Its in those moments that I do not question God anymore.
Anyway, back to the lady that I have grown quite fond of. The other day she was having a particularly bad day. Her children were crying and nothing seemed to settle them. I took the four year old on my lap and pulled out a shinny green plastic cross necklace out of the drawer. I looked at her and asked if she would like to have it. She nodded her head and proudly put it on. She walked over to her mom to show it off and I could see a bit of confusion in the mothers eyes. At the time I didn't know she was Wiccan. Instead of getting upset with me for giving her daughter a very Christian symboled necklace, she looked at her daughter and she said this:
"Sweetheart, do you know what that cross means? It means that somebody loves you."
Boy, that statement couldn't be more true.
I'm glad to be in the place I am at. I see beauty in every day. My job is the perfect place for that.
Today I received an email from a gal who is pregnant with her fifth child and the father wants nothing to do with the it and is pushing her towards adoption.
My heart is heavy for her.
"Use me Lord...I'm yours!"
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
After much research, could it be that gay people truly are gay? Is it possible that something genetically is wrong or different? That would explain some things, but still not make it right for me, but explainable. The word "Hermaphrodite" has been brought up many times in my discussions with friends lately. This would fall into the same sort of category as ADHD or ADD. For a long time I thought it was just a behavioral problem...but again, after much research, are there truly some lines crossed in children and adults heads that make them ADHD or ADD. I know I bring up these subjects a lot but they hit very close to home for me and I'm trying not to be close minded.
These subjects are defiantly up for discussion for me, NOT argument, but discussion.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
My boss took me aside yesterday and offered me a proposition. Skyler is already at the daycare with me and is doing great. They kids (who I thought were coming home this weekend) will actually be home on the 7th. This gives me an extra week to plan. Anyway, back to my point. My boss told me that I could bring Matthew to work with me and they will transport him to and from school and he can just enter the daycare and they will not charge me anymore then I'm paying for Skyler. (that's huge) Also, he told me that I can eat at my desk and take my lunch break later in the day and go get the girls and bring them to work with me. He said that my situation really got to him and he wanted to help.
I think this is all really good news. There are a few problems...well just one...Chelsea doesn't want to come to work with me. I told her she wouldn't be a part of the day care....but instead she would be at the front desk with me doing homework or reading a book or doing small office tasks if she wanted to. She isn't happy about it at all.
My problem is this...its her first year of high school. If I don't pick her up from school then that leaves her free to do what she wants from two thirty in the afternoon until after six in the evening. The high school is literally right in our back yard so anybody she wanted to could come to the house and nobody would be the wiser. None of the other kids would be home so she would be alone. I'm not OK with this. I just feel like there is to much unsupervised time. Am I being overbearing here? It would be so perfect to go and pick her up every day. My mind would be at ease and I could work and not have any kid drama.
Its not like she would be picked up with a daycare bus, she would be picked up by me...no harm no foul. I would have all the kids with me at work for the remainder of the afternoon and I just think that would be so much better then them being home. I only work four days a week. If I dont take this option then Im going to have to hire someone to come and sit with the kids at my house and I cant afford it.
Last year was HORRIBLE!!!! I HAD to be at work...but the kids were home running through the neighborhood, going into stores and stealing candy (and other things), smoking cigarettes they found on the ground, going into strange peoples houses without permission, and having boys in the house without an adult home. It was absolutely CRAZY. I felt I had no control over anything. My kids are free spirits and can not be trusted with to much free time.
Given the kids track records, I don't feel like they should be able to choose if they go home of If I pick them up.
What are your thoughts?
Monday, July 26, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
I'm very thankful for the job I have now. I just completed my first full week. My hours are four days of ten hours. Its very tiring but well worth the three day weekend. The people there are so nice and they give so much grace to me. I was literally thrown into the position. I am now receiving deeper training but I feel like the training I received at the Ortho office has really helped.
I did make my first mistake of sharing my adoption story with someone. She is one of my co-workers at my current job. She seemed to really like me and would talk to me a lot. In one of our conversations I mentioned that I had a fifth child but that I didn't keep him...but instead gave him up for adoption. Her response to me was "You know, its really none of my business."
That really threw me for a loop. People truly do not understand and are not accepting of my life. I have learned my lesson once again that I should not share my life with anyone at work. I'm confident that she will keep that information private but I will not confide in her. It makes me sad.
Whats wrong with my life? The Bible tells us to "bear one anthers burden's." Now of course I am not burdening her so maybe that does not apply, and she is a Christian but maybe because my life is so complex its just hard for others to hear?
I'm forgiven for what wrong I did. I hardly think about it now. Instead, I sit back and watch my little boy grow, and laugh, and I watch his parents hearts beat a little stronger because of the new love in their lives. So much joy....heartache left behind....time to move forward. I wish others felt the same way.
Thank you all for your prayers. My dad is doing fine and has been diagnosed with vertigo. Far far cry from a stroke or heart attack. Thank you Jesus!!!!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
I cant loose my dad!! I love him.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Many of these stories are focused on these teen moms who chose to keep and parent their babies; however, one story follows a girl and her boyfriend who made an adoption plan for their little girl. Tears flood my eyes as I watch the scenes play out. How smart and brave these two young people were to give their baby away...a baby that they certainly would have had plenty of love for, but not the means to raise.
I found myself in almost the same situation. I got pregnant, gave my baby up for adoption...but for me it was more then that. Ty was my fifth child. I knew that my decision would impact not only me, but my other four children a great deal. I also knew that Ty would live no ordinary life. Yes his life is extraordinary, but certainly not ordinary. He doesn't realize it now, but the questions will come. Fortunately (and I knew this when I picked them) his parents are wise, and loving, and trustworthy, and will only do what is best for him...and that will be to tell him where he came from and why his life is so extraordinary not ordinary. He will learn these things about his life and his past (even though he was in my belly) and it will become not such a big deal...no surprises...no secrets. Rebekah and I talk about this often. Our conversation is open and honest and effortless.
For my other four kids...they think of Ty as nothing less then their brother. They refer to him as their brother and nobody corrects them when they do (not I nor Rebekah and Ben). How can you take that away from a child? They watched him grow as my belly got bigger. They placed their sweet hands on him and felt him kick. He was real, he is real.
I am not naive to the fact that my kids hurt because of the adoption. They have suffered a great loss...a loss equivalent (the experts say) to a death. Sometimes I think they suffered more then I did. I'm older, and I knew exactly what I was doing...but they didn't have a choice...they didn't have a voice. I couldn't give them a voice because I knew what was best for them, even though they couldn't understand.
My children have noticeable wounds because of my choices. I can hardly type that without crying. Can you imagine my pain...its painful...to give a baby away, not because you don't love him, not because you don't want him, but simply because there is not enough of you to go around, because if you kept the baby it would mean that everyone would suffer a lack of attention and a lack of time. One thing I have learned in my fourteen years of being a mom is the biggest thing that children require is time. You could be poor as dirt or as rich as the hills, but if you don't spend time with your kids, nothing else matters. My gift to all five of my kids....was time.
I know my kids hurt, Ty might hurt someday to, but I pray for only a moment, until he grasps the full truth of what I chose for him.
So we heal, we heal, we heal. Time heals.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Two failed marriages, five children, one adoption, a slew of broken relationships (sigh). I don't want to screw up again.
Yesterday in the grocery store a man was staring at me. I was in line waiting to pay for my groceries and he offered to unload them for me. It caught me by surprise. I quickly but nicely told him no thank you but it got me thinking.
I see a pattern in my life. I get married, have a baby, get fat, get divorced, get skinny again, find a man, get hurt, and am left alone all over again. I'm at the getting skinny part again and I'm noticing that men are paying attention to me and I'm sort of thrown for a loop.
Am I ready? It still seems to soon to start dating again. Its been almost two years since I even considered dating or have dated. I really really really made the wrong choices with Ron Ty's birth dad. I trusted him, I believed him, because he seemed believable. How do I know the difference between a liar and a genuinely good guy?
I don't know what to do. I don't want to ward off men for the rest of my life but I just don't trust myself. I don't have a good track record for picking good guys. Wow, how many times can I say the word "don't" in a paragraph. LOL
I feel lost in this area. Does anyone have a good book that could set some rules for me? I know that sounds silly but I really can not afford to mess up again.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
We believe that you are a good fit for the position. Pastor Scott asked me to see if you'd be willing to come in today, Wednesday through Friday from 12-6 as a working interview. We would train you on the basics so you could handle the desk but we wouldn't throw you any of the hard stuff over the next few days. We'd just like to see how you interact with parents and it would give you a little more opportunity to see how we function (to a certain degree) so you could evaluate whether or not you could see yourself working here long-term. At the close of day on Friday, we would let you know whether or not we wanted you to start permanently on Monday. The hours you work this week would be paid. You are more than welcome to bring your 4 year old son if you don't have anywhere else to take him. The drop-in rate for a 4 year old is $5/hour and with a 50% staff discount it's be $2.50/hour.
I know today is short notice; we'd like to get to seeing if you are the correct fit or not right away. Please let me know if this plan will work ASAP. I'll give you a call around 10am if I haven't heard back from you.
We're really excited to see if this is the Lord's leading!
Im so excited. Im a little concerned with the hours. They will not be noon to six every day and they seemed willing to work with me as far as the kids go. I cant believe I might have a job by next week. This is a miracle!!!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Looking for Egg Donors
-Unfortunately I did not qualify for this one because to donate eggs you must have a two year college degree. LOL Go figure!
Ice cream Bike Riders
-I'm still considering this one. All the ice cream I could eat, and it wont matter because I'm riding my bike around town. GO ME!!!!!
Security Officers Wanted-P/T to F/T
-Can I carry a gun? BONUS! My favorite movie was always Die Hard. I could be living the dream!
-Ummmm, after much thought I decided I was WAY over qualified for this job!
Experienced Pet Sitters - Vet Office Experience Required
-Seriously? You need experience to babysit a DOG? Sheesh! I figure all you need is a yard and a pooper scooper.
SEWER & DRAIN CLEANING AND REPAIR
-Ummmmm! NO! There are no words!
Professional Tattoo Artist in demand Now!
-Do you think they require experience? LOL After all, I have a tattoo. Would that qualify as "experience?"
Teenager Chores $8.00 hour
-Now I know I would be good at this! I do my teenagers chores all the time!
zombie movie casting in Colorado springs
-A little makeup, and I would fit right in!
Are you kidding me?
No seriously though, today I do have a job interview for a position as a Director at a daycare. That would be SOOO perfect. To be honest I just am not up to actually doing the babysitting, but to be the financial director would be SO COOL! If you pray, pray for me today!!
Monday, July 5, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
And her adorable twelve year old twins Samantha and Bret. The third child is mine. He quickly befriended Bret...and swiftly stole his googly eye hat.
Bret didn't mind budding up to a four year old. In fact, he seemed to quite enjoy him.
Two pees in a pod? I think so!
JC and her kids drove an hour and twenty minutes just to see us. They even bought Skyler a coloring kit to keep him busy so we could visit and blessed us with lunch and a Walmart gift card for some groceries. I am blessed beyond measure to have them as my friends. I am astounded by Gods provision. It was a wonderful day! I only wish they lived closer.
In our conversation that day we got to talking about blog ads. I have a couple blogger friends that have recently put them on their blogs but I didn't think anything of it. I have tried making money online through different areas like secret shoppers and other things but they never paid off. I figured that blog ads were just the same kind of thing and wouldn't bring any income in. What are your thoughts on this? Do you have blog ads and do they bring in any money for you?
Honestly, I never minded if one of the blogs I read had ads on it. If you find a way to make money why not take it. It doesn't hurt me, I don't click on the ads...nor do I really pay that much attention to them. LOL With that said, how in the heck do people make money off them?