Saturday, September 18, 2010

Counting kids...

When my kids were young I used to (on a regular basis) think that it would be so nice when they could bathe themselves and clothe themselves, and feed themselves. I thought for sure I would breath a BIG sigh of relief when they could finally wipe their own butts. In my silly little brain I thought I was paying my dues while my children were small.

Things have changed. I no longer have to wipe butts or hand feed the children or dress them (the older ones that is). They do all those things themselves. My worries have shifted. I'm in this stage now that I feel a little over protective. There are so many influences that can get in, I feel like I'm on constant protection mode. Did our parents go through this? I don't remember my parents being this stressed out. LOL

My thoughts very often shift to Tyrus. As I am going through my day and I am trudging through a situation with the big kids or trying to meet the needs of Skyler, I find myself thinking in relief "I'm so glad Rebekah and Ben have Tyrus covered." I say it in my head like he is my kid and then I feel guilty feeling that way because he really is Rebekah and Ben's child now and I don't have to worry about him; however, I don't think those feelings or thoughts will ever ever go away.

I have to keep telling myself that I am not disrespecting R and B by having those feelings, but that its natural. I often find myself driving down the road and looking back into my rear view mirror and counting the kids to make sure I didnt leave any behind. Now certainly I don't look for Ty but its just those moments of busyness's that I think "Is Ty OK? Oh wait, R and B have my back." LOL

Please tell me I'm not crazy!!!!

Rebekah often talks about Ty's graduation and how she longs for me to be there, but she worries how I will feel. Will I feel excedingly happy that he is graduating and accomplished so much, or will I mourn for what I missed as he grew to that stage?

I don't think the answer is an easy one. I would love to go to Ty's high school graduation. It would be so exciting and I would be so honored to share in such a beautiful day. The questions that would be going through my head that day are, "Does Ty want me here? Is he upset at me for the choices I made for him? Is he uncomfortable having me around?" I imagine he will grow up and look very similar to my other kids, but he wont have the same memories, or the same life. Certainly he will grow up knowing he was adopted and hopefully I would have taken a few trips out there so I wasn't a complete stranger, but I am certain that It will be a very emotional day. Of course by then I will have already been to four of my other kids high school graduations. What a weird thought.

The bottom line is, I am very blessed to even be talking about the possibility of going to my birth sons High School Graduation. When does that happen? Only God....Only God.

Peace out!!!

6 comments:

Britney said...

Of course you're not crazy ;)

Ty will always be your son, hun... and that doesn't make him any less Ben and Rebekah's.

Faith said...

You are NOT crazy! I expect that Jackson's birthparents think of him every day and worry about him. In fact, we are going to visit them today for the first time since his birth and I KNOW it will be such an emotional time, but I hope what they learn is that he IS ok and that we DO have their back, as Rebekah and Ben have yours. You share such real and honest posts, and I appreciate them so much.

mak'n Changes said...

Guuuuuurl! I do not believe the day will ever come when I stop feeling so proud of you.... I love you so SO SO SO much!

birthmom1986 said...

I went to my daughter's college graduation. It is adoption. I have learned it is what you make of it. I have no doubt that you will be there, sitting next to Rebekah, and you both will be crying....just like my daughter's adoptive mother and I did. And it was a closed adoption.

Rebekah said...

You can count Ty in your rear view mirror count any time! I know you know this, but I am not threatened in the least, by your presence in our life. You are as much his "Muma" as I am. And I for one, am so thankful that you continue to be in our life.

Ty will reap great benefits for having two loving mothers and one amazing daddy in his life. Imagine if all the child molesters, gang leaders, and serial killers had the same privilege...how different would their life stories be?

Tonight, when I cuddled and rocked Ty before bed, I told him how much you loved him and how I couldn't wait for him to get to know you the way that I know you.

I can confidently say that he will never feel awkward or strange or resentful toward you, because you are one of us. You are part of our family and the only words that are spoken in this house, are words of love.

Now, no more graduation talk, I can hardly bear the thought that this little man will leave someday and allow another woman to be the keeper of his heart! :)

Life Happens said...

Both of you Rebekah's just amaze me! The love that you both feel for Tyrus and eachother just warms my heart. I don't know either of you personally, but I do read both of your blogs. You are both truly AMAZING women! Tyrus is one blessed little boy. :0)