When my kids were young I used to (on a regular basis) think that it would be so nice when they could bathe themselves and clothe themselves, and feed themselves. I thought for sure I would breath a BIG sigh of relief when they could finally wipe their own butts. In my silly little brain I thought I was paying my dues while my children were small.
Things have changed. I no longer have to wipe butts or hand feed the children or dress them (the older ones that is). They do all those things themselves. My worries have shifted. I'm in this stage now that I feel a little over protective. There are so many influences that can get in, I feel like I'm on constant protection mode. Did our parents go through this? I don't remember my parents being this stressed out. LOL
My thoughts very often shift to Tyrus. As I am going through my day and I am trudging through a situation with the big kids or trying to meet the needs of Skyler, I find myself thinking in relief "I'm so glad Rebekah and Ben have Tyrus covered." I say it in my head like he is my kid and then I feel guilty feeling that way because he really is Rebekah and Ben's child now and I don't have to worry about him; however, I don't think those feelings or thoughts will ever ever go away.
I have to keep telling myself that I am not disrespecting R and B by having those feelings, but that its natural. I often find myself driving down the road and looking back into my rear view mirror and counting the kids to make sure I didnt leave any behind. Now certainly I don't look for Ty but its just those moments of busyness's that I think "Is Ty OK? Oh wait, R and B have my back." LOL
Please tell me I'm not crazy!!!!
Rebekah often talks about Ty's graduation and how she longs for me to be there, but she worries how I will feel. Will I feel excedingly happy that he is graduating and accomplished so much, or will I mourn for what I missed as he grew to that stage?
I don't think the answer is an easy one. I would love to go to Ty's high school graduation. It would be so exciting and I would be so honored to share in such a beautiful day. The questions that would be going through my head that day are, "Does Ty want me here? Is he upset at me for the choices I made for him? Is he uncomfortable having me around?" I imagine he will grow up and look very similar to my other kids, but he wont have the same memories, or the same life. Certainly he will grow up knowing he was adopted and hopefully I would have taken a few trips out there so I wasn't a complete stranger, but I am certain that It will be a very emotional day. Of course by then I will have already been to four of my other kids high school graduations. What a weird thought.
The bottom line is, I am very blessed to even be talking about the possibility of going to my birth sons High School Graduation. When does that happen? Only God....Only God.