Friday, October 8, 2010

I didnt sign up for this!

I always wanted to be a mom. I dreamed about it and could practically taste it. I don't think I was a particularly bad child. I tried my best to do what I was told, and was riddled with guilt when I broke the rules.

My children do not seem to have that same switch that turns on that tells them they have boundaries. They are so different then me. Or maybe they are just like me? I cant figure it out.

Regardless of the circumstance, I didn't sign up for this heartache and pulling and pushing and give and take. Life didn't seem so difficult for me as a child. My parents had their share of heartache, but honestly I think I have triple of what they had. Is it because I have more kids and because I am all alone in this?

I have a brand new view of what "mental health" means. I have a feeling that tomorrow I'm going to get a another dose of what I just went through this last week. I'm not sure I can handle two in a row.

What is it with kids these days? Can they not find any joy in life? What is missing? Life is not that bad. I always tell my kids to try and live ABOVE their circumstances. Yes they come from a broken home, and no they are not rich, but they have so much love and support and things....they have SOOO many things. The problem is, none of that matters when you are talking about "mental health." I have so much to learn.


I didn't sign up for this. I'm overwhelmed, my house is a wreck, I haven't had time to get groceries save the milk I keep buying at Walgreen's because its fast and convenient. I'm just going through the motions hoping it all slows down before it all passes by me. I keep asking God how long we have to wait. How long will we wait before he takes us away. This is no life...the one I'm living. I cant even enjoy these beautiful children I have....no time no time.

STOP!!

6 comments:

Claire said...

Hang in there Rebekah - Hope springs eternal!! You and your kids will make it through rough patches and all, have faith!

Faith said...

Hang in there, hun. This is the dirty part of parenting, but it WILL pass. When I was in the depths of infertility, a good friend who is much older told me "everything changes, everything passes, both the good and the bad." And I held onto that during the really dark times. This stage, too, will pass for you and your children. So, just hold on....

All My Monkeys said...

I am finding, personally, that the LAST thing I do, the LAST place I turn to, is the place/person I should turn to first. It just doesn't even occur to me. Ask Him in, ask for grace, patience, energy, relief, healing, wisdom. I will pray for you too. Sorry this is so hard.

Leah W said...

all of us parents feel like this at some point, i imagine that it is harder with no father figure in the house.

just keep praying!

Annjeri said...

I love you sis. I know that this is a really hard time for you and the kids right now. I am rooting for you and you have a lot of prayer support going your way. Hugs.

webkinzfan said...

Oh Sweetie- I'm reading this about a week after you wrote it. It made me weep. i'n so sorry you're struggeling. I wish I could come to CO and help you out with any thing possible!!!! From what I can tell, we're very much alike. I am a fairly extream people pleaser. I have a perhaps over active conscience. I usually feel horrible if I hurt, offend or disappoint any one if I feel that I should have done something diffently. I try hard to see the good in every situation even though things look bad. I have always dreamed of being a mom, but not a single mom! I have a friend who is married and has 4 kids in the exact same combo as yours- her girls are 11 1/2 and almost 10; the boys are almost 8 and 4 1/3. She home schools, has a nice though older and not fancy, house a loving husband and even a dog whom I adore! She is living the life I always dreamed of. She lets me come over and hang out sometimes and I get to see her strugles. She has, by her own admission, some pretty "crapy" days on a fairly regular basis! Adding to the drama at present are two male friends of the family who are living with them!! After experiencing this household and just a small sample of it's issues, I can only imagine what it is like to be a single mom- with teens no less!!! Run to God!! Cry out to Him- with actual tears if that's what you need!! Tears help let the stress out. Cry in private if you need to, but don't hold back when it's just you and God. Remember- He is the source of our strength. He is with you even whan you feel very alone. I am ofen alone- except for my cat- and sometimes I feel so over welmed. I can only imagine how you feel!!! I love you, my sister in Christ!!!!! You and your four precious young people are in my prayers. Hold on to God. He will not let you drown!!!! Trust him with everything. He is faithful. I know what it's like to long for human companion ship, though! Almost all of my colse friends have wonderful marriages- like Rebekah and Ben's- and some timnes I say to God in prayer something to the effect " Is it too much to ask that I could have a husband who loves me and is my best friend??" I know where you're coming from!! HUGS from Tracy in Iowa!