Monday, December 12, 2011

Feelings

I'm sitting here in my quiet house...thinking. The boys are asleep and I am left with my thoughts.

Today was a good day. We received a delivery of about 500 toys and I had the great pleasure of sorting through them and then giving them out to about 150 precious children. The sorting and giving took most of my morning at work. It left me happy and fulfilled and again thanking God for giving me such a wonderful job.

I think I have mentioned that I work for a daycare center. I work behind the receptionist desk and I fill many rolls. One of the small things I do is give the teachers bathroom breaks when they need it. They step out of the classroom and I step in. Today it was the toddler teacher that needed a break, so I stood in her classroom. It was the end of nap time and there were four todds still sleeping and one awake. As I was standing there she just stared at me with her big blue eyes. I just kept looking at her...she has beautiful light red hair and could pass for a precious moments doll. I couldn't stand her laying there awake....so I reached out my arms and she got off her nap time cot and walked into my arms. I lifted her off the ground and she wiggled her head into my shoulder and just stayed there. I thought back to before I became a birth mom....I always loved children and I would always hug them...but now its not the same. When I hold these precious little ones (who are the same age as Tyrus) it makes me feel like a delicate flower...beautiful on the outside...but so fragile on the inside. The difference now is that these babies are in my arms expecting me to hold them up and not drop them....but what they don't know is that I am depending on them to hold me...to hold my heart so it doesn't break. I am so grateful that I work in the place that I do. I can miss Tyrus...grieve my losses...and then hold a precious two and a half year old...and be grateful for how things turned out. Its a wild mix of emotions that nobody could possibly understand unless they have gone through it.

Its been a long time since I have opened my heart on this blog. I think I needed a break from the emotion of it all. So many things have changed in my life...good and bad. I desperately miss my girls, and I know that the distance between me and them will not change for a very long time. I try to remember that my girls do not belong to only me...but to everyone that loves them and I am grateful that everyone has pitched in to make their lives better. In case anyone was wondering, the girls are doing great....but of course...that doesn't change the fact that my heart longs to be with them again.

A year ago If I had one wish, I would have wished for my life to be steady. I'm tired of the big changes and adjustments that I have had to make. Now, a year later, I think I'm reaching a steady point. Ive been dating (in old fashioned terms "going steady") the same guy for over four months. He is 44 and a retired Captain in the Army. I don't blog about it because I am scared that if I talk about it too much then something will change and I wont have HIM anymore. Am I screwed up or what???? That's what happens to a girl that cant make things stick...or I should say...cant make men stick. But, I decided to face my fears and talk a little bit about it. I will say that this man, that I can now call my boyfriend...is a really really good man. He does what he says he is going to do, and he takes care of me and the boys.

So...for now, I am enjoying NOT being single...I'm trying not to worry about what might or might not be around the corner leaving me alone again. When I get sad or depressed I pull out the old whisky bottle and drown out my sorrows...LOL. I'M TOTALLY KIDDING!!! I am not a drinker (except a glass of wine here or there).

I love this saying...and I refer to it a lot:
"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've would've happened...or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the heck on."

Of course you could insert a stronger word in place of "heck" but I'm just not the cussing kind....LOL.

Take care!!

9 comments:

Finding Calgon said...

I watch 19 kids and counting every day and I love love love that show! I cannot tell you how many times I have seen "you" in Michelle, the mother. You have a lot of the same facial expressions and sweetness in the voice. I think of you a lot. I miss you, and I love you a ton!!! I still think you're the strongest person I know and I admire your stamina!!

cindie

Deanna said...

Love the update. Glad things are going well for you!

jodilee0123 said...

Thanks for sharing such incredible emotions! It is okay to live a 'private' life. :0) Even though I love to hear your updates. Sending prayers that you have a beautiful blessed Christmas!

Faith said...

So happy to hear from you! And to hear you are reaching a steadying place. I read your emotions about Ty and I think of my son's birthmom and I wonder if she feels the same way. I wish she could write a blog, lol! I appreciate you sharing because I am learning...

On Loan From Heaven said...

Hi Rebekah!

I've been reading (and loving) your blog for a long time! As an adoptive mama of one (and hopefully more), I cherish the thoughts of a birthmom... thank you for being so open and transparent; I know it's not easy.

I've been doing 'What Not To Say' posts for a while and my 'readers' (I hate that.. what else do you call them?! ;-))look forward to them. I've highlighted What Not To Say to adoptive parents and people struggling through infertility but my most recent one I want to dedicate to birthmoms... What Not To Say To Birthmoms.

I'd love your input, if you find a minute sometime soon!

http://onloanfromheaven.blogspot.com/2011/12/for-birthmomswhat-not-to-say-part-iv.html

Regardless, thanks again for your honest... I look forward to more of it and will be praying for you!

Lindsay

birthmothertalks said...

Thanks for sharing. I used to push all little girls away cause I was afraid of getting hurt. Sometimes, when I do things with my granddaughter I feel like crying and can't quite tell if it's tears of happiness from getting the experince of doing cute stuff with a girl or tears of sadness for all that I lost when my daughter was growing up.

Rebekah said...

I'm thrilled to read your words again. I missed that dimension of "us" :). We pray for you every day and are thankful for God's steadying hand in your life.

Love you!

Misty said...

Rebekah havent commented in awhile... sorry been through a lot my boys are now living with there dad and my heart is breaking would love to chat with you about this sometime
Misty

Dr Chris Hill said...

.
Hi Rebekah,

Here's a good video I found on YouTube about religion, you might like to view it and see what you think.

”God in my life”

I think it makes a lot of good common sense don't you?

From
Chris Hill

American youth: Young gifted and passionate about religion. ”Fiery lady”
.