Tyrus...

Tyrus will be turning three in a few days. Its hard to believe that three years have passed since I handed him over to his parents. I can literally remember what he felt like rolling around in my tummy. The last month before he was born I could make out visible body parts from the outside of my stomach. I would sit and watch TV...look down...and watch Ty play. It was amazing. Ive only seen him a hand full of times in person over the past three years. I'm lucky though because I get the pleasure of being a part of his life from afar thanks to Rebekah. Her blog is my biggest port hole into his life. She blogs so honestly and doesn't forget to share his sweet face in pictures. I love it...I'm so blessed. Lots of people ask me how I feel when I see a picture of him or they ask how I feel knowing he is my baby. The answers are: When I see a picture of Tyrus...I see pieces of Skyler and Matthew in him. Ty's eyes are always so bright and they scream happiness and that makes me feel so good. I'm so proud of the sweet boy he has become. I can only take credit for giving him a good start in life, I give God credit for his life, and I give Rebekah and Ben credit for everything he is and will be. They are shaping him (with Gods help) and teaching him everything he will need to know to get through life. Its just amazing....they are amazing. The second question is different...How do I feel knowing Ty is my baby. That's very simple...he was never JUST my baby. He belongs to all of us and that's how I feel about all my children. God put these kids on this earth for all of us to enjoy including moms, dads, uncles, aunts, grandmas, grandmas, and most certainly birth moms fall into that category. I don't feel like I have lost him....he is just far away. My life is still very busy. I feel like I am running all the time. I'm constantly trying to make time for my kids and my family, and somewhere in the mix I try to make time for myself. In fact I had a lot of time to myself three weeks ago when I had a hysterectomy. It seems that all five of my babies did a number on my uterus and it was tired. I decided since I wasn't going to be having anymore babies that I would listen to the doctors and have it removed. I'm glad I did but the recovery is slow going. I still have not regained my energy. IM anxious to be back to my old self. I'm not sure where my life is going. My main jobs right now are to go to work and put food on the table...and to be a good mom to my kids. Nothing more nothing less...and that's OK. Someday my children will be grown and they will want to move away. That's when I will get to sit back and watch them take their adventure through life. My child bearing days are officially over...and it feels good...very good.

The end of my fertility...

In three hours I will be going under the knife to have my uterus removed. I have lots of things going through my head right now. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. What a weird thought that I won't ever have babies again. I'll post more later.

Pictures...

The boys on a Hiking Trip.

My boyfriend went to LA for a business trip and wrote my name in the sand for me. So sweet!!

This one melts my heart. You all know who Ty is. Now he is a big brother. Can you see how happy he is? 

Yes, these are my dogs. No they are not possessed. LOL

My first flowers of the season. The sight of them makes me happy. 

Me and my sister. Isnt she beautiful? I love her!

My oldest daughter Chelsea. She sure is growing up. I couldnt find a good one of Victoria. It makes me sad that I dont have the girls near me. 

A really good place...

Life is pretty steady right now. I have a constant schedule that pretty much stays the same every week. Work is tiring but very rewarding and my weight loss....well, I'm still a "looser," but it is taking more time then I imagined to get to my goal weight. 125 down, 44 to go!

I'm looking forward to Summer. Even though I cant eat most of the food at BBQ's, its the smell of the grill and the company of good friends that gets me going.

I'm not a very calm person as far as my emotions go. Outwardly, if you were to know me in person, you couldn't imagine that to be true, but inwardly I'm a constant worrier. I worry mostly about my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been together nine months now. Ive spent the majority of those months driving myself crazy thinking that he was going to break up with me or cheat on me, or top loving me, or not want to marry me someday. Its a constant, persistent, and exhausting mind battle that I put myself through. It takes away my joy and it takes away from my life. My boyfriend is a wonderful man and he treats me very respectably. We have some issues, but I think its because we both have baggage from our past relationships and we also are single parents. Put those two things together and it makes any relationship challenging. My mind battles are certainly just that.....MINE. The boyfriend isn't causing them...its simply my insecurities.

I'm in a better place lately. Something in the last two weeks has changed me. I am very far from being the "inward" worrier...but I decided that if the boyfriend wants to be with me then he will. I also decided that if the boyfriend wants to cheat on me....then he will...and there truly isn't anything I can do about either one of those things. My whole life I have only been treated horribly by men, so In my silly mind Its hard to get used to actually being treated like I'm an equal...like I matter....like what I say counts. Its very hard to retrain a warped and damaged heart. But I'm trying.....

So sad

Im so sad to hear that Mcmama's husband has left her. What in the world is going on???? This will be on my mind all day today. Being a single mom is not easy....