Fun day in the forest!!

Last weekend we went to the forest with Auntie Carrie and Uncle Chris and cousin Jacob. It was so fun to get together with family and drink tons of root beer and eat hot dogs and beef jerky. I do think there was something in the root beer and these videos prove it as you watch Chelsea and Auntie try to put on Skylers sweat shirt. Silly girls!!

On the way there Jacob show cased his new greatest hits Michael Jackson CD. We has so much fun singing very loud to "beat it," and "man in the mirror." I know I know...we are weird and yes Michael Jackson is dead but you know his music does live on. LOL Here are some pictures of our day in the forest.

Regrets from a birth mom in an open adoption.

I don't have many regrets in my open adoption. But looking back I wish I could have changed a few things. I wouldn't change getting pregnant with Ty, although I wish the circumstances were different. I wouldn't change finding Rebekah and Ben because I now cant imagine my life without them in it. I wouldn't change giving Ty up for adoption, now that I know the outcome...but I would change a few other things.

I spent many many hours thinking about how I wanted the birth to go while I was pregnant. I did a lot of research in the form of reading adoption birth stories and watching adoption stories on TV. I even would seek out people that were adopted and talk to them about their experiences, and I also loved talking to adoptive parents. I was gathering information and forming my idea of the perfect relinquishment. I thought I had it all planned out.

For the most part everything went almost exactly as I planned it. And despite a few drawbacks, like having to get more then one epidural and having my mom fall out in my hospital room just before giving birth, everything was wonderful. However...one of my regrets was not taking enough time with Tyrus. In my mind all I could think about was Rebekah and Ben taking all the "firsts." My life has been full of firsts and because I knew that I would not be parenting him and that this could possibly be R and B's one and only chance for a newborn I wanted the world for them and that came in the form of giving up a few things for myself.

I wasn't sure how I would feel about holding the baby or keeping him in my room. To be honest I was really afraid of experiencing to much emotional pain so I kept Ty at a distance as much as I could. It wasn't because I didn't love him, it was because I loved him so much that I was trying to protect my already broken heart. So, I didn't keep him in my room the first night...and now...I wish I had. I wish I had held him more, I wish I had kept him the whole night and just had more time....more time. I really really regret that. In fact before my rights were terminated and we had left the hospital I wanted so badly to ask if I could have him for just one night. I had no intentions on keeping him or changing my mind...I just wanted to be with him a little longer. But I didn't ask, because I knew it was hard enough on them. Can you imagine...can you imagine the anguish adoptive parents go through. For months me and Rebekah talked...and the promise of a baby was there for them after years and years of infertility, and in a moment I could have changed my mind and Ty would have been mine. My mind was constantly on that scenario, and I wasn't going to change my mind but I afraid of causing them any more stress then they had already gone through.

I think Ben thought I was a crazy women. In the hospital I kept asking Ben if Ty was hungry or if he needed to be fed. There was some maternal thing inside of me that just needed to provide something more for him...and I guess making sure that he was fed and taken care of was my way of voicing that. It had nothing to do with worrying if B and R were caring for him the right way, it was just me, crying out.

So if I could change anything, I would have had more alone time with Ty. Knowing now that it would have been hard on my heart but it would have been OK with R and B to give me that time. In fact, they offered many many times, it was me that was scared.

Now two months later I can think about all these things but I can not change them...and that is OK.

My only other regret is making the choice early on to make it a long distance adoption. I thought I needed the space, I thought I would want the miles between us...again to protect my heart. I have always said that if I didn't have custody of my children I would travel the earth just be with them. I thought that since I was choosing to give up Ty that it would be different and I wouldn't feel that way. I was wrong. It would have been OK for me to be close to them, and I regret making that decision. Really if you think about it, it would have happened anyway because when I found R and B, it would not have mattered where they lived, they were the ones and so there were no options anyway on location. I do know this...just because I relinquished my rights to Ty, no matter how I thought I would feel, I would travel the earth to be with him...and I will someday see him again.

The government can!!!

I REALLY want to blog...but have been trying to find a new normal with starting work. So a new blog post will be coming soon, maybe tonight, but I don't know.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....in the meantime...I LOVE this video I found on YouTube. It is very funny but it is also the sad sad truth. I am about to realize this truth because in two short weeks I will receive my first paycheck....and it will be taxed. (insert sad face).

Check it out below....

Two months and to big to fit in a t-shirt!!

Today Tyrus turns two months old. I know I said it when he turned one month old but my goodness...can time slow down? When I look back at the days after Ty's birth....it brings tears to my eyes. I have never been more broken in my life. Today, I feel good, and although watching video's from Rebekah (Ty's momma) still brings tears to my eyes...I know everything is how it should be.

I had a wonderful today at my new job. It was the first day of training and so I cleaned bathrooms. This particular house was really really clean to began with so although It was SOOOO much work because of the size of it, it wasn't that bad because It was so clean already. What a beautiful house it was. The bottom floor had a movie theater in it...and I'm not joking...it was a movie theater screen. Can you imagine having something like that? How fun!!

Although today went well, it was a lot of work. My boss gave me a few of the company T-shirts, but sadly, even though she gave me the biggest size she had, they did not fit me. (sigh) I'm still just to big. She will order me bigger ones and was very sweet about it but it is still embarrassing. (sigh again)

So I leave you all with a very adorable picture that Rebekah sent just for me today. Its my favorite out of the several she sent. He is undeniably the cutest baby. I miss him a great deal but Rebekah has promised to give him enough kisses for the both of us. Clearly, she is such a good momma to Ty, and when I watch the videos she sends me, his eyes never leave her sweet face. He follows her with his eyes and is enamored by her voice. I can see how much time she pours into him...he is so blessed to have her, and I am blessed to call her my friend.

And they are off.........

The first morning of getting ready for school went well. Everyone but Victoria was excited. She does not like school. Matthew was overly excited and kept touching the camera lens so you can hear me telling him to stop it a couple times. LOL

Thank you to all who helped me get my kids ready for school. You are all a God send. It worked out perfectly.

And now I am off to work. I have to be there by ten thirty. More later!!

My kids are so funny!!

We were so excited last night when I found out I had a job. Matthew asked me what I would be doing at my job and I told him I was a maid and I would be cleaning houses.
He then said to me "mom, do you have to ware one of those maid's outfits?" The picture above is what popped into my head as he said that....could you imagine if I actually had to clean in one of those things? It would not be pretty!! LOL

I GOT THE JOB!!!

About 30 minutes ago I got the call from the lady offering me the job. Of course I said yes. I am SOOOOO EXCITED!!! The crazy part is that I start work the day the kids go back to school on Tuesday. Can you see Gods hand in this? I didn't start work before school started because God knew that I didn't want to leave my kids home...he provided a job for me at the perfect time. Isnt God good like that?

I cant tell you how much your prayers have covered me like a warm blanket. You all are so important to me(even the ones who don't comment, I know you are out there.)

So Monday I go and fill out all the appropriate paperwork and Tuesday I start cleaning. I am just beaming right now. The only thing left to do is go and buy a few work appropriate clothes...oh and a few sweat bands for my head because this girls going to be cleaning her little (well its not so little) booty off. That's another reason I was so excited about this job...I wont be sitting behind a desk, I will be moving and grooving all this fat off. WHOOOP WHOOP!!

So celebrate with me tonight everyone. God is good all the time.....if you dont believe me....just look at my life!!!!!!!!!!!!

________________________________
SIDE NOTE!
I thought I would explain my job situation. Last Thursday night I originally was going to an interview at Gymboree...but this other lady called me from this maids service and said she wanted an interview with me the same night at the same time. I would much rather clean houses then watch kids so I missed the gymboree interview and went to the cleaning one. I am so glad I did, because now I have the job.

Just clarifying. LOL

Im so torn!!

I am sure I have blogged about this before but I'm still having a hard time. I need you all's encouragement.

Ive been sporadically babysitting the two little ones I used to watch full time. The dad has some temporary work and has asked for my help. I don't make much watching them now because he doesn't get paid much and well, I lowered my price from 50 dollars a day to 25 so that we could both (my family and his) benefit from this situation. So 25 dollars isn't much for all the work it takes to watch these two little ones (ages eleven months and three years).

Well, last week when I watched them for two days I was just really overwhelmed. I have all my kids plus these to and that makes six kids. I HATE taking Skyler to daycare but I know if I keep him home tomorrow it will just be so overwhelming. It just feels weird to me to send off my kid for someone else to watch while I watch someone Else's kids...but I need the money and I need my sanity. Does that make sense? I just hate parting with my kids. It breaks my heart. Should I take him to day care while I am babysitting? UGGGGG!!!

He is doing so well at daycare. His potty training is still at a stand still. He is so stubborn but I still push through and I am not giving up. Today he was handing me some crayons and he counted to ten. TEN!!! I was shocked to say the least. My baby can count to ten. So I know that daycare is really doing him good. He is learning, he isn't eating at school(we call it school) so he is STARVING when he comes home but otherwise doing so very well and I am pleased. I just miss him dearly when he is gone.

School starts on Tuesday so things will settle down a bit and maybe I can get a few more babysitting days in for extra money. I have a job interview for "gymboree" on Thursday so I am going to put my most happy singing voice on and dance my pants off. LOL They told me to be ready to sing and dance. Have I ever mentioned that I love to sing?

Well that's about it. I am still posting resume after resume. I also got my first cleaning job. It is only a once a month deep cleaning but Ill take what I can get. I am hoping (like you all said) that word of mouth will be my friend.

Just thoughts and adoption suff.....

So, its been nearly two months since I had Ty. Time has just flown by as I knew it would. I talk to Rebekah at least once a week but sometimes once every two weeks. She is always the one to call me and it has always been like that even when I had Ty with me. I'm not much of a caller to anyone but that is mostly because I don't want to interrupt anything they have going on. I figure Rebekah calls me when she can and it works best....but I probably need to be better at that.

I never know what to say to people when they ask how many kids I have. I get that question a lot because I guess its not that usual to see someone with so many kids and so its a question I get asked quite often....but...what do I say when someone says to me "how many kids do you have?" I just don't know. Do I say I have six kids and include my baby that is in heaven? Or do I say I have five and include Ty as my child? But if I say I have five then that opens up the floor to me having to explain the whole adoption situation and I find that after I tell them they say things like "Oh" (and that's not a good "Oh", its an Oh that means they are sad for me). Or I get comments like "well if it was me I would have kept him." I sure love that one. I'm not sure I would say that to anyone in my situation. I don't get angry at them, but instead I realize that they do not know the full impact of my situation and because I am very comfortable in the choice I made for Ty it doesn't hurt my feelings...but I still feel it is a bold statement for people to make.

So I still have not made up my mind on how to answer people. The truth is, I do have six kids whether they are living or not and whether I am parenting them or not, I still birthed them and they are still a part of me....but the explanations are quite exhausting.

The kids are doing wonderful back at home. I am enjoying them immensely. They are quirky, and loud, and messy, and expensive, and very loving, sometimes disrespectful, sometimes mean to each other....but mostly they are perfect and being a mom to them is the best thing I have ever done. I have one more week with them before school starts.

I have not had much luck on the house cleaning venture. I loved all your suggestions...but when it came down to it I picked "Good Clean Fun" as my business name. Thanks Natalie. I wish I knew how to link her blog to her name but I have not figured that out yet. (bummer) Can you all give me some tips on that? I have an interview with "Gymboree" on Thursday so that is exciting.

Thursday and Friday I was able to babysit the two kids I used to watch full time. I quickly discovered that I just don't have it in me anymore to watch other peoples kids in my home. Of course they were well taken care of but for some reason after the adoption and all I have been through, I'm done and just don't have the heart for it anymore. I am wondering how the interview at "Gymboree" plays into all this. (sigh)

Well, I leave you all with some cute pictures of our Saturday adventures today. We went to a fun (and free) splash pad/fountain down town. We had so much fun today just being a family.





onceuponablog.org is having a give away. I never win stuff like this but Its worth a shot right?

I will praise you in this storm....

I love storms.

Some of my kids are afraid of them but I am not. Poor little Matthew yesterday actually had a panic attack because he thought we were going to get flooded during our last storm and drown, and he was afraid. He said to me "mommy but what if the flood does come."

I love the song by Casting Crowns "I will praise you in this storm." I feel like I am in a storm right now.

And a lot of times I feel like Matthew did when he was afraid we were going to drown in the falling rain. My heart starts to race and my throat starts to clench shut and its hard to breath, just like little Matthew.

One part of the song says "you are who you are, no matter where I am. Every tear I cry, you hold in your hand. You never left my side, although my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm." Ive had to remember that many times in the past few weeks.

BUT.....Through my discouragement, I hang on to HIS promises and remember that although storms are scary and loud and distracting...they hold much beauty...just like my personal storms. So I sit here reflecting on the past...tears falling down my cheeks, and I know that the storm will pass.

Can you help me out?

I'm feeling so down today. I know I shouldn't but I just do. I cant find a job and nothings seems to be working out for me. I don't know where to turn next. AHHHHH!! Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? Anyway, here is my new endeavor to try and get some money coming in and I need all of your help....

Here are my thoughts (inspired by my wonderful best friend Carrie)....

I am thinking of cleaning other people's houses. I am good at cleaning and organizing..in fact I like doing other peoples houses more then my own so why not try to make some money off of it and I NEED to have money coming in SOON for goodness sake.

So I went online and am going to print up some cute little business cards so that I can pass them out to people and advertise myself but I need help with a slogan. Can you all help me because I am not savvy when it comes to thinking of cutesy names.

Here is what the business card will look like....what should my business name be and what would be a cute short slogan for under my business name. I'm counting on you all.



I know I just blogged last night but this morning I just really wanted to cover it up. LOL

I shouldnt have....

Today I received a strange phone call from a lady asking for Ron(the birth father). I asked her why in the heck she was calling for Ron. She told me that he had used me as a reference a while back and she was calling to see if I had his phone number. Really I didn't know what to say and wasn't able to process what was happening in the moment. All I could manage to say was "I am not the right person to talk to you about Ron...I have no information for you." I was not lying...I don't have his number. I used it a couple times to call him before baby was born and then I tossed it because I have no use for it.

Well, needless to say I hung up with the lady feeling angry and shaking. I decided to write Ron an email that simply stated "please don't use me for references in the future, I feel you have used me enough." Done...that was it.

Later that day he wrote me back and it wasn't nice...I cant even tell you what he said because it was full of nasty words and he was just mean. Again, it left me feeling angry and shaking and I couldn't think straight.

So this is where I shouldn't have done what I did...I emailed him back. Now I have never been one to cuss. I hate it when other people cuss and so I just have never been one to do that....but in the final email to him...I did. I used the same profanity that he used on me and I shouldn't have. I don't regret emailing him my last thoughts because I have been wanting to give him a piece of my mind for a long time...and let me tell you....today I did. BUT...I shouldn't have because it didn't make it right.

He has not emailed me back and I don't really feel any better doing what I did...well...maybe a little better but I just hope that email doesn't come back and bite me in the butt. I guess the worst thing that could happen (if he was trying to be really mean) would be to email my nasty email to B and R, but hopefully he wouldn't ever involve them like that. If he did I guess they would see a very nasty side of me, but hopefully they would know that it wasn't really me in that email...but only my anger towards Ron.

I hope some day I can truly be over all of this. I should come to a point that if Ron were standing in front of me I wouldn't feel hate towards him. When will that happen? I have no idea. In his email to me he said "you have some serious soul searching to do." Maybe he is right? But I think it goes both ways for him and I. What we did changed both of our lives forever.

(sigh) That's it I guess.

My Babies Are Home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My kids home coming was nothing short of amazing. Dad drove me to the airport. Can you see it past his nose? It looks like a big Circus tent.

It seriously is a HUGE airport and it took me forever to get there. My dad was stopped at security because he had a pocket knife with him. We were in to much of a rush for him to go put it in the car so he waited for us at baggage claim. When the plain landed the kids were the first to get off...and here is what I saw when they saw me.....

And then we did this together....

We seriously had so much fun today...



I feel refreshed and rejuvenated. I am so happy they are home. I am ready to dive back into parenting four...I feel I am in a much better mind set then even before they left. I realize now how much I need to take breaks and get away from them. Its very important to have time to myself...and I never allowed for that before. I want to be a better mom. I want to pay attention to detail concerning myself and my kids. I want to do all of this so that they can succeed in life and become strong independent and self sufficient people, and most of all I want them to love the Lord with all there heart mind and body. The only way for that to happen is for them to see it through me first. So....here is to new beginnings and fresh starts.

Oh, and for sure since the kids have come home....it feels that the circus is back in town....because it is a circus around here but we are seriously having so much fun.

I love my life.