Thursday, January 14, 2016

A thousand words...

A picture is worth a thousand words right? I came across this picture on my Facebook "memories." I'm sure you know what I am talking about. Facebook has this thing it does lately. It brings to your attention a memory from the past in hopes you will repost it. That's not such a great thing for me. My Facebook "memories" don't exactly bring back warm fuzzy feelings for me. As you can see from this picture it's me and my oldest son Matt. This picture was taken not long after I let both my girls go. My oldest daughter was angry at me for giving her youngest brother up for adoption. You can see in the background of this picture on my refrigerator. On my refrigerator I have displayed my youngest son with his mom and dad. They are extremely happy and just starting to build their wonderful family through adoption. My oldest daughter, like I said, was extremely angry at me for many reasons I cannot explain here, and asked to go live with her grandparents. In my weak mental state I allowed her to go. My second oldest daughter had started to rebel and asked me one day if she can go live with her dad. This caused me a lot of grief and sorrow. I knew she didn't belong to me, and I knew that her dad would except her with open arms.again, in my mentally weakens  state from all the drama in my life, I let her go. 

I let my girls go but I still had my boys. I held on to them as long as I could but... Matthew, the one scene in the picture below also became very angry with me and wanted to leave. I said no to him for many years until I couldn't say no to him you know longer and let him leave to live with his father. 

My oldest daughter lives on her own, but lucky for me, she lives in the same town as I do. Victoria and Matt still live with their dad. They are thriving and happy and doing extremely well. I miss them so much and when I see pictures on Facebook of me and them, I cry and cry. I did not have children to be separated from them. Divorce is horrible, distructive, and sad. I don't know if I will ever recover from the sadness in my life. Hopefully, I'll figure it all out soon.