Tuesday, December 29, 2009

So So busy!!

Since Christmas and then going back to work, I feel like a chicken with her head cut off. When things settle down, I will be back to blogging. In the meantime....here is a fun tidbit of our wonderful Christmas. This video cracks me up. Happy New Year everyone!!!!!!!!!! Notice that my four year old (Skyler) has makeup on and a pound full of hair spray in his hair. If you look very close you can see that his nails are painted....all thanks to Chelsea (the thirteen year old). Sigh!!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Oh sweet baby Ty!

Six months ago I gave birth to a little boy who stole my heart. Ill be honest, I tried not to love him to much while he was inside me. I was afraid of getting hurt...I knew he wouldn't be mine for long. I told myself I was just a surrogate for Rebekah and Ben and that held my feelings at bay for a short time. Then....he was born....and the flood gates of love poured out of my heart. How could I not love something that came from me?

That is an interesting statement in itself..."How could I not love something that came from me?" Rebekah and I talk often, be it through email, text, or phone calls. I think its safe to say that we both enjoy our time together (although from a distance) equally. I love hearing about Ty and her joy in being a mom...and her surprise at the challenges it brings...but mostly I love hearing how full her heart is...and all because of the love of a little boy. My love for Ty is the same love Rebekah has for him. We share an incredible bond...me through biology...and her as his ever present mommy. I love how our adoption story has formed. I don't feel like a birth mom....it feels more like a family member calling to check up on another family member. Its natural...nice...warm...perfect.

Chelsea, my thirteen year old, said something the other day that floored me. I didn't know what to tell her except the truth. I had gone to the mall and found a Christmas ordainment for the kids Grandma. On it said "grandchildren." I thought it would be a perfect Christmas present for Grandma and Grandpa and so I had all the grand kids names inscribed on each little space...leaving one out in case the kids Auntie happened to get pregnant one day. I brought it home and showed the kids and it was then that Chelsea said "why isn't Tyrus' name on it?" My heart sank. I said "well honey, he isn't Grandma's grandson." She said "Yes he is mom, hes our blood to so he is her Grandson...adoption or not."

What do you say to a broken hearted little girl who lost her brother....who we don't really refer to as her brother anymore....just a missing piece of the puzzle in her life. It breaks my heart. I feel at peace with all that has happened...but my children still struggle. I don't know how to fix it...except to hope that with time...God will repair the wounds I have caused in my children's hearts.

Love is a funny thing. It can lift you up...or break you down. In our case...our love for Ty has done both....but I pray in time....my children will grow to understand the true meaning of love...and with that understanding they will see why Ty is not with us.

Christmas will be wonderful this year. Rebekah and Ben's family and friends have showered us with gifts. I started crying when I read a note her sister wrote me...it said "Thank you for allowing Rebekah the chance to be a mom, for me to be an auntie, and for my daughter N to be a cousin." WOW!! And all I have to say to that is....Thank you to everyone that loves Ty. I never have to worry about him...I never wonder if he is OK. He is wrapped in so much love and attention that he will never want. Some day, if he needs to talk to me...I will be here for him...but for now and for all the rest of his life...I know he will never need to walk far for loving arms to be wrapped around him. So thank YOU to everyone...especially Rebekah and Ben....for everything.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

My cork board!

I have a cork board in my kitchen. It was a house warming gift from my best friend...and it has been one of my favorite posetions. It has displayed everything from spelling tests with 100% on them to love letters from my wonderful children, to birthday cards and school scedules. I walk by my board at least 50 times a day so whatever is on it is constantly in my view.

This weekend I received five wonderful boxes. I was shocked to receive so many boxes...in fact...it was funny because I chose to go collect the boxes(that were delivered to my appartment complex office) during a free community breakfast in the appartment office. To my surprise, because of the amount of boxes, several of the people from the "free" community breakfast helped me take them to my car. How sweet!!

Just tonight I was able to actually unload these boxes. I had opened them and made sure they were all in tact but didnt actually unload them until tonight. I have to share who they are from and what was in them.

Here is what was in the boxes....

I unloaded the most beautifully wrapped presents I have ever seen. They are so pretty that I almost couldnt bare to open them, but of course, we will open them(and I actually cant wait). Arnt they pretty? They are not under the tree yet, primarily because of little Skyler who might not be able to keep himself from peeking. So they are safely displayed in my closet for the next few days. (grin)

Next I uncovered this.....which was actually hanging loosely from a Christmas present, and because it was not secured tightly...I decided that I just had to use it now....because...you know....it wasnt secured to the package well enough and there is no way to put it back...ummmmm....so Im just going to use it. LOL

Although the presents are so beautiful, what I uncovered next was the most precious to me. I found a hand full of cards from Rebekah and Ben and Ty, and a hand full of people that I dont even know. Inside each card was a picture of each family who helped purchase all these wonderful gifts and a picture of the families to go with it. Some wished me a Merry Christmas and a blessing for the new year, and some shared their life stories with me. I was very moved...even to tears. I sat on my hiney in my closet reading every word on these wonderful cards and letters.

It was then that I decided that my cork board needed a make over. I carefully took down the spelling tests, and the love letters from my kids and the school scedules....and instead I displayed all these wonderful cards and letters and pictures from these wonderful people, who dont even know me, but chose to bless me. Thank you to each family who shared so much with me this Chritmas season. It means more to me then you know.

So this Christmas season, and probably for many days into the new year, my cork board is once again filled with warm caring faces, words, and pictures. My life is full!!!

My cork board!!!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

No title...just pictures!

The kids just had their eyes dilated at the eye doctor and that's why they are waring those big glasses. We had fun afterwards at IHOP. This guy was there making fun balloons. Great entertainment!!!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Im so excited....and I just cant hide it!!!

So many wonderful things have been going on in my life. God has blessed me immensely through a new job and many other things. Life is certainly busy lately with all of us adjusting to mom being at work more now. But, we are adjusting and it is working out perfectly. I'm still a little behind financially from not making much money at the maids job but within two to three weeks I will be out of my financial hole and be able to actually save some money. WHOOPPEEE!!!

I have every Friday off. Today I was looking forward to a nice leisurely day at home, filled with cleaning up the house and cooking meals to freeze for next week(thanks to you all from this post, for giving me some great ideas). Staying home was not meant to be. Matthew called and said he has an ear ache. Does anyone know if ear infections are contagious? Remember not long ago in this post(a few days to be exact) how Skyler was very sick and had an ear infection?

Its all good though. I want him to feel better so very soon I will be packing up me and Skyler and taking Matt to the doctor. Be assured that I will not be going to the urgent care with the NAZI nurse this morning.

I'm very very excited. As a child I had just a hand full of heroes. I was very strong in my relationship with the Lord and I attended a very large church which afforded many opportunities to meet my hero's. Let me introduce two of them to you. The first one is Dave Roever. I read his book over and over again and was even able to meet him in person. Click on his name to find out what an amazing man of God he is and how God used him in miraculous ways.

My second hero is Nicky Cruz. He has also been used of God in such extra ordinary ways. I also read his book "Run baby Run" many many times as a teen and young child. You can click on his name to learn more about him. The exciting part is he is coming HERE this weekend and I get to go see him. I saw one of his crusades when I was a small child and not old enough to know what is going on...so you better believe I will be there with bells on this Sunday. I pray that my kids lives are enriched with this mans story the way mine has been.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Where is your husband?

Thank you all so much for your good advice and prayers. I cant tell you how much I love getting your comments. Thank you!!

I did FINALLY get Skyler to the doctor after work today. By the time I got there he had another fever and was really in pain from his ear. Poor baby was crying. Usually when we go to the doctors he is everywhere in the office, climbing on things, getting into things...but today all he wanted to do was lay down. He was a sick boy.

I get there and the doctor came in and asked me how long he had been coughing. I told him it had been two months that he had been suffering from this cold. The doctor checked his lungs (all clear) and then his ears (clearly he has an ear infection) and then he stepped back and said that yes he has an ear infection but also he thinks he has asthma. WHAT???

So he said that we needed to give him a breathing treatment and went to send the nurse in. Clearly my son did NOT want to have a breathing treatment. We tried everything besides holding him down. Finally, I could tell that the doctors office staff was frustrated because someone must have sent in the "big guns." By big guns I'm talking about the head honcho nurse. She walked in the door and this was the conversation......

Nurse: So are you ready to be mom now?
Me: What? What do you mean by that?
Nurse: Are you ready to hold him down and be a mom now?
Me: Uhhhhhh....OK, Ill give it a try. (I was immediately puzzled by her words. What did she mean by that?)

So we held him down and got the breathing treatment done and then this conversation was next.

Me: So do you have any tricks on getting him to take medicine because he wont take that either?
Nurse: He needs his father. Where is his father?
Me: Um (very shocked) he doesn't have a father.
Nurse: Well who is the man of the house?
Me. We don't have any men in our house. I'm a single mom.
Nurse: Well do you attend a church or something, you should be able to find a male role model there.

By this time I just wanted to tell the nurse to SHUT UP and give me my prescriptions so I could go home. She had hurt my feelings and in my opinion way over stepped her boundaries. I never know what to say in the moment but when the next nurse came in this is what I said...."Did you bring me a prescription for a husband because apparently that is what my son needs!!!!"

It was a night from Hell. LOL I did end up coming home with several prescriptions...one for antibiotics, one for an inhaler(which I wont use for him because I don't believe he has asthma) and numbing ear drops. My son is sleeping peacefully and I am about to join him. :)
On a side note. Did anyone out there know that there were Tylenol suppositories for kids that don't take medicine orally? AHHHHH!! I got some and it is just WONDERFUL to be able to give my son medicine and not get it projected back into my face. You get it at the pharmacy, no prescription needed.

Three o'clock in the morning!! UPDATED!!

Things are not looking good. He has been sick for two months, I am sure this is just another symptom of his body not being able to let go of this cold. He hasnt had an ear infection since he was three months old. I am so frusterated. I CANT miss work...yet I CANT let my son go in pain for the day. Im in tears right now. GRRRRRRR!!!
Its three o'clock in the morning and I have been up with Skyler and an ear ache. He is nearly in tears he is hurting so bad. I cant find a single urgent care open this time of the night and I dont think its appropriate to go to the emergency room for an ear ache. I just cant miss work tomorrow. Sometimes this single mom stuff is a little much to bear. I need HELP tonight!!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Coming to see me????

For a few months, tentatively, I have been planning to go and visit R and B and Ty this summer for Ty's first birthday. I have been looking forward to it (of course) and have just been trying to work out the details in my head. Well, then I got a new job and things drastically changed. I really didn't think to much of it (seeing as how I just got the job last week) until I got an email from Rebekah titled "exciting news!!" As I read the email tears filled my eyes. The big news is that R and B and baby Ty are going to come and see ME in April. They are going to purposefully come out and see me and the kids. I couldn't be more thrilled. The love that these people have for us astounds me. I am honored to be part of their lives.


Maybe I shouldn't call this a problem but it is concerning to me. Chelsea(the thirteen year old) is not ready to see Tyrus. She said that she doesn't want to get close to someone again just to have him leave because it hurts to much. She compares the situation to her dad being so far away. She is really struggling lately with her broken heart caused by her daddy and me being divorced and then from her dad not really being part of her life for so many years.

I cant get upset with her about this. She has to be able to process her feelings and make her own decisions on things like this. She said to me "I know I'm Tyrus's big sister but right now I just don't know if I can do it...Victoria might have to fill in for me for awhile." It breaks my heart that I caused my children more pain. I will be glad when five years goes by and I can look back and see that the path I left behind is (semi) straight and not filled with more pain due to my bad choices for my kids.

So we will see how it goes with Chelsea. Right now I see lots of pain and sadness...and truly its not just her. The other kids are hurting to...but not necessarily because of the adoption...but because of the sad fact that they have a (mostly) absent dad. They each show their pain in different ways, but I know it is there.

I didn't want Tyrus to go through what my kids are going through. There is a HUGE reason that God designed parents to be a pair...mom and dad. I am thrilled to pieces that he has such a present and wonderful dad and a so loving mother. He will never have to live in pain because his dad isn't emotionally capable of being a part of his life. My kids could use your prayers.

So the count down to seeing Ty begins. I CANT WAIT (except that I have to)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Mom...can we say the word A##!!

My kids come up with the most unusual things. In our family we are not aloud to say cuss words. I think because this rule is in place the children think that it is fun to try and break the rule as often as possible. I myself have never been one to cuss. This does not make me better than anyone, I just didn't grow up with it, hardly ever heard a cuss word, so It just didn't become part of my life. My kids; however, have been exposed to profane words throughout their whole lives through different places and people. They go to public school for one, so that pretty much sums it up. I wanted to share the latest argument for cussing that me and the kids had today.

"Mom." Chelsea says. "Two of my friends at school are allowed to use any cuss word that is in the Bible. I think that's a great idea for us to. What do you think."

"Well..." I answer. "Well the only cuss words that I can think of in the Bible are ass and damn."

"Right! I think ass and damn are pretty reasonable. So can we mom?"

I'm sitting there thinking. I hate being put on the spot like that and of course my first initial answer would have been "HELL NO!!" But I didn't say that. For some very odd reason this came out of my mouth.

"OK Chelsea, you can say ass and damn as long as the word ass is used only in sentences referring to a donkey and damn can be used to talk about things such as a beavers dam."

So I said it. I hardly thought about my words and was actually feeling pretty good about my response until I heard this coming from the back seat.

"So mom...if someone is mean to me I can just say "Your such an ASS?" since I would really be calling them a donkey?"


We got our Christmas tree put up. We had fun. I'm not feeling that great(got a head cold) but we did manage to have fun drinking egg nog and eating candy canes and decorating the Christmas tree. It was pure crazy fun. I tried to snap a shot of the finished Christmas tree with all the kids laying below it but somehow it didn't work.

I must add a disclaimer. My first born son (Matt) is really not cross eyed, although he chose to be that way in nearly all the pictures I took tonight. (sigh sigh) Our tree didn't turn out like I (ahem) had hoped but the kids loved it and it is very unique to say the least.

Finally I gave up on getting a good picture and decided the tree was good to stand alone. Its crooked, and the angel is facing the wall, but its our tree and it was decorated with love. :)

Friday, November 20, 2009

Naked as a jay bird!

Our sweet Maggie got her second professional hair cut today. Poor thing is usually subjected to me cutting her hair. She is so little (a whole nine pounds) and I just cant get all her tiny parts trimmed correctly, so needless to say, her feet had started to look like the Grinch...the hair was really long and hanging down. Isn't she sweet? She even got Pumpkin dog cologne. Who would have thunk that dogs had cologne. It was a good day for Maggie.

Today was my day off. I love having Fridays off. Me and Skyler just hung out and got some stuff done. Around twelve o'clock I put a movie on for him and jumped in the shower. I always shower with the door open when it is just him and I, and usually he is sitting on the toilet saying "Mom! Whatcha doin?" a hundred times.

So it wasn't unlike any other day. I got my shower, wrapped the towel around me and went to my room to dress when all of a sudden I hear a knock at the door and sweet Maggie barking......and then......I heard the dead bolt unlock and the door OPEN!!!! I am in my room, door wide open, NAKED AS A JAY BIRD, and my son has just answered the door. Oh my!!! I start yelling down the hall "SKYLER SHUT THE DOOR! DONT YOU ANSWER THAT DOOR!" That didn't work, I can tell the door is still open and I hear a mans voice. I'm desperately trying to get dressed and all I can say is "I AM NAKED IN HERE! YOU BETTER SHUT THAT DOOR!" I am mortified just talking about this. The next thing I hear is "OK little boy, here is your dog now shut the door." The door shuts...and my three year old comes walking down the hall, meeting me half way and said, "Look mom, a box. A box by the door."

It was the UPS man coming to drop off a package from grandma. I am certain that I shocked the heck out of this man by yelling that I was naked down the hall.

I am thankful that my son was not abducted by a strange delivery man, and I am also thankful that I didn't get turned in for yelling NAKED so much today!!!!


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

From maid to secretary!!

Wow!! What a day.

I left my house at about seven o'clock and didnt get home until six thirty this evening. What a day it was!!

I love it!! My new job is challenging, and busy and full of fun chearful people. I couldnt be happier with how the day went. The night before I started, Skyler came down with his second cold within two months. He was sporting a 102 fever and a horrible hacking cough. I took him to the doctor and he tested negative for the flu (any type), so I felt like I slid by on that one. But the fact that he was sick with a fever completely threw out day care and I was staring my new job the next day.

Luckly (except that I dont believe in luck) my mom was off and volenteered to watch my sweet hacking son. She kinda enjoyes being with him anyway so it was a win win situation. She ended up saving the day for me and I was able to work the whole day with no pressure of wondering about Skyler.

I will forever be greatful for my maids job. It whipped me into shape (well sorta, I still ware a tent for a shirt), and it got me back on my feet. Unfortunatly it wasnt quite enough to sustain us, but the job itself was quite a blessing.

So I started my new job today. I wanted to get some pictures of my outfit I wore today but I just forgot. Not to mention I am not to excited of posting pictures of my body. LOL

Thanks to all who gave me well wishes. I wasnt at work for an hour before my best friend walked through the door with some beautiful flowers for me. When I got home my room mate had all the kids sign a beautiful card congratulating me on my special day. I am surrounded by lovely people and wonderful(onery but wonderful) children and I cant complain(except that I do sometimes).

My little Ty tidbit: He is nearing six months old. THATS HALF A YEAR PEOPLE!!! I am shocked at how time flies. He is growing so quick. R said that he is very happy but fusses between every bite of his home made baby food. What a lucky boy to get baby food hand made by his momma!!!!

Blessed beyond words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Is that a tent your waring?

Oh thank you all so much for your sincere congratulations on my new job. I am very excited. I start Wednesday...that's only two days away...and I have nothing to ware. My wardrobe consists of two pair of dress pants, and one dress shirt that is actually ripped up the side. I don't have a single pair of dress shoes and my genetically inherited grey hair has grown about two inches making me look kinda older and worn. To put it simply, I'm a hot mess!!!

So, I felt that with a new job comes a little more money and I budgeted a couple hundred dollars to go out and get a new wardrobe worthy of a doctors office receptionist. I was excited. My best friend was going with me, my sister and brother in law had ALL my kids, and I was rearing to go.

I know I am a bigger women. My boobs alone reach a destination LONG before the rest of me does(humor is one of the keys to a happy life ya know...LOL), so I thought a plus size consignment shop was just what the doctor ordered.

I walk into this cute little hole in the wall used clothing shop, tell the ladies what I need, and am directed to a very small section of....THE BIGGEST CLOTHES IN THE STORE! Let me set this up a bit for you. I am a BIG mirror avoider. I try NOT to notice, look, or even glance at my reflection in the mirror, because when I do it is just a reminder of who I am not anymore and that is hard to accept. Now don't get me wrong, I am not looking for a pity party or any comments saying "you'll get there..." NOPE I am only saying that because I don't look in the mirror and the fact that my wardrobe consists of mostly cleaning pants and men's t-shirts, and add on the fact that I have not been shopping for clothes for myself since I first got pregnant with Ty(and that was for maternity clothes), I was in for a big shock.

I put on the first shirt and walk around to actually look at my reflection and what I saw was...well...I started crying. I was so frustrated with the way I looked. I am not exaggerating when I say...it looked like I was waring a tent. My friend that was with me came over and hugged me and encouraged me to keep on keeping on. I realized that there was nothing I could do. I have a new job...a fat body...a great life...and I just needed to get over it...find some more tents to ware and move on. So that is what I did. I ended the day with about two weeks worth of SSWWEETT dress clothes, a pair of shoes and a set of bump its. I still need to color my hair, paint my nails, and this classy tent waring grey haired lady is ready to start my new job.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Celebrate with me!!!!!

Ill tell you why below!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate to post a new blog because the comments in my last post are very intriguing and I'm getting so many different view points from lots of people. I think its a great discussion, I only wish I could post comments to your comments but I don't know how.

I will say thank you to all who posted wonderful uplifting comments to me. I will also say sorry to anyone I hurt with my last post. I know there are lots of broken hearts in which adoption is concerned and I really do understand. My relinquishment was not easy, but the decision was made with much prayer and thought. Bringing up children is more then love and gifts and money...it requires a lot of time...and it was time knew I couldn't give sweet Ty. I feel at peace with my decision and I only hope others can be helped through my experience. With that said......

I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew that my maids job was just not cutting it, not to mention how much work it is and being so tired at the end of the day. So, I started putting my resume out there last week. Today I got an interview. I showed up at a very prestigious doctors office in my nasty cleaning clothes and sweaty hair from just cleaning. I spent an hour talking to the doctors wife(an orthodontics office to be exact) and she said to me at the end "Well I guess I need to make some phone calls. Ill call you later." Through the evening my references I had put down called me and told me that she was calling them. About an hour later Dr. S' wife called me and offered me a job. Here are the details....

Monday through Thursday 8-5(can you say Whoot Whoot for a three day weekend every week.
Paid holidays.
The bad news...its a small doctors office and they do not offer health insurance.

I'm a big girl now with a big girl job. I am so excited. I start Wednesday. Will you celebrate with me!!! God is good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel as though I have been hand picked. I do not really qualify for this job but she liked my spunky personality and smiley face.

I have NO dress clothes. Well I take that back. I have about one dress shirt to speak of. So tomorrow...I go shopping!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Being judged!

I have really grown to love the blogging world. I think that the Internet can be a very dangerous place but for me, whether its through my blog, or through facebook, I have made new friends and been able to get in contact with old friends that without the Internet I would have never talked to again.

When I started my adoption journey with Ty still in my belly I would get LOTS of really hateful comments. Me and Rebekah really struggled with how to deal with them without letting it get to us. For me, and I know she came to this place as well, I learned how to just disregard them and move on.

Today...this one blind sided me. I haven't received a nasty comment in a while and so it caught me by surprise so I thought I would respond to it. It stated:

"You have signed your son up for a lifetime of pain. You are still a mother to him, just the worst kind. An abandoner. God may forgive you, but chances are your son won't. God meant for you to raise ALL of your children. And you just spit on His blessing. May the Lord have mercy on you for your betrayal."

Dear anonymous, I will not pretend to know what place you are in life. I don't know what sort of things you have gone through, but from what you just wrote to me, I can only imagine that you have had a lifetime of pain, either that or you are just super uneducated on the subject of adoption and raising kids. I could go on and on about all my reasons for not parenting Ty. I think if you were to read deeper into my blog you might understand. I wrote my blog partly for people like you who are so closed minded to adoption and single parenthood. I really don't think you have a clue to what you are talking about, and I don't particularly like being judged. You talk about God...but do you know that Moses was adopted and most importantly Jesus was adopted by Joseph? Those were highly orchestrated situations by God. Not to mention that anyone that is a Christian is adopted into the family of God. Lastly, it is quite clear that Ty is in the right place. I am in no position to raise him and I never was. I don't regret my decision and I don't believe that Ty will be angry at me for making it. As for me and God...mercy was given to me in the form of adoption and as a solution to my poor choices. He saved me through it and he saved Ty as well. Thank God for that!!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Not much to say....

On Sunday, my first born boy turned ten years old. I cant believe it. In our family its pretty special to turn double digits.
I remember when the ultrasound flashed his boy parts. I had just had two girls and was THRILLED to be having a boy, although I wasnt sure what I was going to do with him. I didnt have a brother, and to be honest, the whole "take care of the penis" thing kinda frightened me. But, he was born after four short hour of labor. He was sweet and sour as all little boys are and I love him dearly. Happy tenth birthday my sweet Matthew Brian.

My little Ty tidbit is that he is nearly five months old. His momma said that he has started squeeling, and if you look real close you can see that the drool goes for miles around the Pinchback house. Happy almost five months old sweet baby boy!!

And lastly...this is the result of Chelsea (the thirteen year old) babysitting her three year old brother. She always does this, but this time it kinda took on an artsy sort of feel. I thought it captured well in this photo.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Funny, dirty life!!!

Being a maid is hard physical work, but oddly enough, I enjoy it. I have cleaned houses and not found a speck of dirt on them, and I have cleaned houses that I could barely see past the mold on the floor. Thank God for gloves and rubber bottom tennis shoes and soap.

Yesterday I had a seven hour job in a beautiful area of town called Black Forest. Its full of HUGE houses surrounded by trees. Its really beautiful. I car pooled with my friend and we were just really enjoying the ride. Finally I found the house after a thirty minute drive and we pull into the driveway. It was a very big six thousand square foot house so it was going to take all four of us maids to clean it. I noticed that I had pulled into this one way drive way the wrong way, so I was going to back up....simple enough right? I'm feeling good, I'm backing up and "BOOM." I look back and low and behold....I hit a tree. It hit smack in the middle of my bumper. "Darn it!" I thought. I pulled forward a little, assessed the damage to my jeep which was minimal (thank God) and then I looked at the tree. Poor tree. It will never be the same. My jeep seems to be a tank and has so far withstood lots of beating up due to my driving abilities. LOL

Skyler is doing really good on his potty training. Sometimes though, he still pees at night so I keep a diaper on him, but regardless of the diaper he still sometimes leaks through it onto the bed. The other night I am ashamed to say that his diaper leaked and we were both a little wet....I was so tired I couldn't think straight....so I got up, changed my shirt.....threw a towel over the pee and went back to sleep on top of it. Nasty hugh? Well at least I got the sleep I needed....oh and of course a shower in the morning.

On a regular bases I clean this one house. It is a cute purple color on the outside, but on the inside it houses two grown adults and nine crazy wild dogs. Because of all the dogs the house is not exactly...clean...to say the least...but on this particular day I had this conversation with the owner who I will call S:

"Good morning Rebekah."

"Good morning S." I responded.

"I was going to have company this afternoon but I think I better cancel because my dogs have mange and it can be passed onto humans and they will want to play with the dogs." S says to me.

Let me take a moment to paint a little picture of that moment. This ladies house is FULL of puffy floating pieces of dog hair. I literally had dog hair all over me and I was (at the time of her telling me this) trying to get a piece of dog hair out of my nose. I was covered in dog hair and she is now telling me that she is canceling her company because she wants to protect them from this dog parasite that can be passed to humans and in my mind...I am now covered with it.

"So..." S continued, "I'm just going to have you clean the upstairs because I am not feeling that good, I think I might have mange to because I sleep with the dogs and I am starting to get some itchy bumps."

"Oh OK" I said, trying to keep my composure but secretly thinking that I wanted to get out of there.

"Are you worried?" S asks me

"Well is my hair going to fall out?" I answer, PRAYING that the answer is no because all the dogs I have ever seen with mange have NO HAIR.

"Oh no, you will just itch for a couple weeks and get red bumps all over you. Its short lived in humans."

"Oh OK." I said trying not to freak out, and went about my cleaning, went home and took a long hot shower.

It was found out later that the dogs had the type of mange that could not be passed to humans and all was well, but it really freaked me out. Oh...and I still have all my hair!!!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I should be sleeping.....

.....but Im not. Im blogging. And Im happy about it.

I have caught a cold. Its not a bad one and its very manageable, but I was wondering how I was dodging all the sicknesses my children were getting. Im actually doing pretty good. My stomach is burning (you know that burn before you throw up) but its not to bad. I am wishing I had some sort of carbonated drink to sooth my stomach.

I was thumbing through some pages of my organizer and ran across a list I wrote when I was still pregnant with little Ty. It was really weird to read all these months later. It goes as follows:

Reasons for giving up baby:

1.Cut ties with birth father.
2. No child support.
3. Not enough room in car, would have to buy new car.
4. Would have to get a four bedroom place to live.
5. Not enough money.
6. Not enough attention to go around.
     -It would not be fair to the baby or the other kids to have one momma, no daddy and so many other kids.
7. I dont feel like I can start all over with an infant.
8. As the kids get older, everything gets harder.
9. Rebekah and Ben
10. This is what I feel God wants me to do.

Reasons to keep baby!
1. Because I love him.......I wish that was enough of a reason!!!!!

I find it very interesting to read this list. I remember writing it. I think it was when I had first connected with B and R and I think I knew what decision I was going to make but I was still questioning myself on if it was a choice a "good mother" would make. Of course now I know that a "good mother" makes these choices all the time for her children. It may not always be as big as relinquishment but as mothers we do make daily choices to be selfless on behalf of our kids.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Missing Ty.....

Two wonderful friends of mine wanted to bless me today. One watched all four of my kids while the other did all my laundry and cleaned my house. I am beyond blessed by these two wonderful ladies.

I myself had a busy day. I cleaned my moms house for her, and then mom treated me to a belated birthday lunch at one of my favorite restaurants. I then went and spent about a half hour with my best friend and then had to run and get my kids.

I was looking forward to picking up the kids. Of course I missed my kids but more then that, I needed my baby fix. The lady that was watching them was pregnant at the same time I was with Tyrus. In fact we were due the same week putting her little girl and little Ty at the same age.

So, Im driving down the road to get them. Its a pretty long drive, past NORAD, and onto a military base, which is ware I needed to pick up the kids. In order to get onto the base you have to exit your car, open up all the compartments, and dig out your license, registration, and proof of insurance. I was able to dig out all but the insurance card.

I was so upset. They would NOT let me on the base. I started to get flustered. You see, I really needed to hold the baby. I dont know why I felt so desperate to hold a baby but I did and now I was so upset because they wouldnt let me in. I called my friend and told her that I couldnt drive to her house and that she would have to bring the kids to me. She was fine with that and promised to be right there.

I sat in the parking lot and nearly cried. I knew that she didnt know how I was feeling and would probably leave the baby home because it was such a quick trip, and I was just so upset. I know this little girl is not Ty, but she is the closest thing to him and it feels so good to have her in my arms.

So Im sitting there and I see her driving up and she looks at me and said "I brought the baby." I snatched her up as soon as she could get her out of the car seat. She was the chubbiest piece of heaven I had seen since Ty. I loved every minute of holding her in the parking lot, next to a HUGE helicopter and tank topped with guns. Thanks Sheila for sharing your baby love with me...I needed it.

I was just talking to Rebekah about this the other day. She asked me how I was doing and I told her I was doing fine, and truly I am. I am so happy with how everything has turned out...but I think its OK for me to miss Ty, to miss his soft baby skin, fuzzy little head, and deep dark eyes. I wish I could see him. I miss him so much. My heart is soothed when I read posts like this, and get random phone calls from Rebekah giving me cool updates on Ty. I love it and am in no way regretting anything, but sometimes, its OK to just be sad. Maybe its because I started my period, but I think its just because I miss Ty.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Fun weekend planned!

Monday is my birthday. I love birthdays but I have to be honest, the older I get, the less exciting it is. I think birthdays were more fun when I was a kid. I love seeing the excitement build as the days get closer and closer to my kids birthdays. Matt's birthday is next month and you better believe he is counting down the days.

The hardest thing for me is when the questions start flooding in "What do you want for your birthday?" For the life of me I couldn't think of what I wanted. I'm a very simple person and I can live on very little, so I really had to rack my brain to come up with an answer. I did come up with a few things and since then, I have become very excited to see if I get them.

Rebekah and Ben sent me a fabulous present. I FINALLY have some very nice pictures of Ty to put on my wall. They are beautiful and I think they are 11x13 in size. Ill have to take a picture of them when they are in frames. LOVE IT!!!!

One of my gifts from family is a night out on the town. For me that means dinner and a movie. So tonight, I'm going out....without kids. I love those type of gifts.

My job is going well. My hour have improved but still seem to linger around fifteen hours a week. I hope this keeps up. It still isn't much each month and I keep considering getting a new job that can offer me more stable hours, but I just am going to put my trust in God and know that he will provide. In the meantime, I am looking forward to my tax return so that I can get a few things that are much needed around here.

I started quilting again the other night. It makes my heart happy. One of the things I asked for for my birthday was a fold up craft table...but in the meantime I am scooting my kitchen table into the living room to quilt so that I can watch TV at the same time. I am currently making a coffee quilt for a friend. SO MUCH FUN!!

So, I am 33 only for a couple more days. My thirties are swiftly going away. That's not a good feeling for me. I plan to grow old gracefully. I want to make the best of my life and live it to its fullest.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

This is not working....!!!

I love my job...but it seriously takes every ounce of energy out of me. When I get home its all I can do to tidy up the house and tend to Skylers needs, but when dinner time hits I just cant do it.

I have decided that I need your help dear blog readers. I am in search of some recipes that freeze beautifully. I am going to start cooking things on the weekend to get us thought he week but they have to be low calorie and of course freeze beautifully. Anyone have any great recipes?

The mom song!

This outlines a day in the life of me perfectly. I was shocked when I heard it because its so close to what I say every day. LOL ENJOY!!!!!!!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Always remember....

Its Sunday morning. Skyler and I are the only ones awake. Its very cold outside and I just realized that I fell asleep last night without putting away the HUGE crock pot full of home made chicken soup I made yesterday. I guess I will be cooking again today, I wish I had remembered to put the food away.

Coffee is made, there is a chill in the air and I am just sitting here thinking. I jump over to Rebekah's blog and Im just scanning over old posts. I start thinking back to all I have been through the past year. Her blog catalogs a lot of my journey and I love going back and reading it from her perspective.

I decide to click on this link titled "The call," and I found my self, again, immersed in Rebekahs words.

I remember the day I clicked on her blog for the first time. The first thing that captured me was her eyes, they danced, and I could picture them gazing at my child. I think I knew right away it was them, before I even read a word. It was a feeling, deep down in my gut. I began reading, and looking at pictures. I could see the passion Ben and Rebekah had for each other and I fell instantly in love with them.

Ty is almost four months old. I will never forget and will always remember my journey to find his parents. I will never forget the first time I talked with Rebekah on the phone. I had laryngitis, and I could sense the emotion in her voice. She was holding back in an effort not to freak me out with her excitement. If she could have only known that my excitement and emotion matched hers.

Ill never forget the day I had to say good bye to sweet Ty. As we said our last good bye's and Ben and Rebekah were about to walk out the door, I grabbed Ty's precious tiny foot and kissed it for the last time. I can still feel Rebekahs arms wrapped tightly around me as we both cried...both out of happiness and sadness.

These are moments that shape who I am, the moments that have changed me forever. I will always remember.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Fun box and Tyrus!!!

II was so excited to talk to Rebekah the other night. We talked about many things but the one thing that stood out is when she mentioned that Ty was able to hold rattles now. WHAT!?! He is getting so big. This little bundle of joy just warms my heart with his cuteness. I cant get enough of him. I'm also thrilled to hear that Rebekah and Ben have a date to finalize the adoption. Ty will be officially a member of their family...but to me that's only paperwork...he belonged in their arms from the beginning...the rest is just legal stuff. I am so excited for them. Look how big he is at about fourteen pounds now...gotta love those fingers!

Yesterday we got a big box. It was addressed to Victoria and Chelsea. We opened it up to find a whole bunch of hand me down clothes from Rebekah and her sister. The girls went crazy trying everything on. They had so much fun. Although I know that Rebekah has great fashion sense...Im not sure she wore the clothes the way Victoria is currently...but....well...let me show you.

Introducing...my little gypsy girl...sporting the clothes and jewelry that Rebekah sent, it is plain to see that Victoria has her own fashion sense...and I think we will keep it that way because she is as cute as pie.

You can tell how pretty she felt...

And I think she was even more thrilled that mommy wanted to photograph her.

The box Rebekah and her sister sent was like Christmas in October for my family. Fun was had by all...Chelsea looks wonderful in this shirt. Thanks Rebekah and Rachael!!!!!!!!!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Whats in a dad?

I remember my dad growing up. He wasn't the perfect father, but I looked up to him. I loved going out to the garage and watch him work on his many wood projects. He would make beautiful book shelves and even could make fun guns out of wood that would shoot rubber bands. He was a kid at heart, and loved to joke around and play jokes on people. My dad wasn't perfect...in fact he hurt me deeply many times in my life, but he was still my dad. Looking back on my life, I'm glad he was around....but I cant say that for my kids. Their dad isn't here...and unfortunately I don't think that will change.

I recently was considering moving closer to him in an effort to give the kids a chance to grow up with their dad. I see that they are lacking in a lot of areas, and I wanted to see if maybe it would work out for us to go and be closer to him. First thing I had to do was talk to him and make sure we were on the same page. I knew that if I lived closer to him that he would probably have them every weekend and with that arrangement I wanted to make sure that he would take them to church because otherwise they would never go.

I presented a few thing to him, as my expectations to going to Arizona depended on him complying with them or I would not go. They were simple things like taking the kids to church when he could, refraining from allowing the kids to watch movies like "the grudge," and "saw." Not allowing the kids to drink alcohol of any kind...things that probably to the ordinary parent would be a given...but not for this man. He is different.

After presenting these things to him...his response was that he would rather just have the kids in the summer, where he could do things the way he wanted to do things, rather then changing and becoming unhappy. In essence...he is not willing to change to make the kids lives better. He would rather just stay the way he is, miss out on the kids lives for practically the whole year, and continue leading his very cooshy life. I am so mad I could scream. How can someone be so selfish? How can someone let their children watch those horrible movies? How can you not be concerned about your child's spiritual walk?

So I am stuck. I can go to Arizona and get the help I desperately need, but in the process probably loose the kids to him as far as their spirituality....or I can stay here in Colorado and hope and pray that I am able to meet all the needs of the kids.

I am not willing to risk my kids not being taught the truth. What is the truth? The truth is that we are only here on this earth temporarily. This life is only a prerequisite for what is to come. I WANT my kids to be with me in Heaven. I have this HUGE responsibility to teach them about God and Jesus and the plans He has for our future. Unfortunately the kids father does not share that same conviction.

So I stay in Colorado.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Learning and wisdom!

When I was a little girl, from as far back as I can remember, I prayed this prayer to God over and over again:

"God, you know I want to be with you, and if you decide to rapture us now, Ill gladly go...but if there is any way you could possibly wait till I have babies, I would really love that, I just want to be a mom."

I used to have dreams at night that all my friends were having these beautiful babies and when my babies were delivered, they were mere plastic dolls. I felt cheated. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to have kids or that the rapture would come, so the above prayer became routine for me every day.

Now over 25 years later, I think it is clear that my prayers were answered. And boy oh boy were they ever answered. LOL

Yesterday I was driving to get Chelsea from Track, the road that I have to go down is just a canopy of trees that grow over the road, so its like you are driving through a tunnel of bright yellow, orange and gold leaves, its beyond beautiful, and I got to thinking. Lately I've been struggling with the kids. They have been fighting a lot and seem to REALLY NOT care for each other. I am literally speechless when they are screaming at each other. I don't know what to do and I am just dumb founded. Literally that word "dumb founded" is the perfect phrase because I feel quite dumb in the situation. So, I went and sat on the porch and just prayed....prayed for Gods wisdom. I cant think of any way through these hard times without His wisdom. Some people might think I am weird for praying that in such a situation but literally...it works...I've asked for it before and it works.

Now I have yet to get my wisdom from God on this situation but I know its coming.

So through the years I have learned a lot about myself through being a mom and a wife. I have discovered that in every circumstance, even the roughest and toughest ones, I can learn through them...just as I do with my own kids. I try to make every experience a learning experience. While we are driving down the road I will ask Matt "What road do we live on Matt?" Or I will ask Chelsea "What are our cross roads?" I do that to get the kids familiar with their surroundings, to gain a sense of direction. Yesterday we learned all about a dog racing track down the road...and today Matt learned what a thong was....OK OK....now I didn't WANT to teach him that...but well I will explain that down at the bottom of this entry.

I have learned that as I teach my kids things, I learn more about them and that despite the fact that Matt cant quite get the hang of folding laundry...

that Victoria and Chelsea do not work together well, and the kitchen never quite stays clean...

and that Skyler is REALLY good at over flowing the bath tub with bubbles(which are not actually bubbles but a whole bottle of shampoo that he wasted)....

despite all those things and more...I am discovering that my kids are pretty cool, and If I would just relax a little, we might be able to enjoy each other better.

Oh and the thong thing. We had a couple little girls (Chelsea's friends) spend the night last weekend. It was a HORRIBLE experience. The two little girls trashed the girls room, ate food out of my fridge without asking and left a THONG for my son to find. WHAT THE HECK! This little girl was nine years old and she was waring a thong. Dear Jesus help me!!!!

I cant end this without a Tyrus update. If you have not seen this video of him and his momma you have to watch it. I am SOOOO proud of him. He is growing so fast. There is even talk that I will get to go visit him next summer for his first birthday. I CANT WAIT!!!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Crazy Crazieness!

I'm driving down the road, and glance down at the speedometer, and although my speed must have been about forty, the speedometer reads about, oh lets say, ZERO! LOL My speedometer is broke. I have no idea what to do about that except to try and NOT speed. Lets hope I dont get stuck on a road alone, I need cars beside me to keep me on track. UGGGG! UGGGG! I know eventually I will need to get a new vehicle, mine is a 1993 Jeep Cherokee. It is a gas guzzler and I currently have to pay about forty dollars per week for gas. I'm still trying to figure out if it would be more cost efficient to get a new car with a car payment, or just keep paying for gas and run it until it runs into the ground. HOOO HUMMMM!! I'm thankful for a working vehicle, none the less, despite its faults. The defrosters dont work, the motors to the powered chairs are broke so the passenger seat is permanently stuck in a laying back position. Its very funny looking. Anyway, my jeep has been with me through a lot, its driven across the United States many times and as long as she doesn't let me down...Ill keep driving her.

Today while getting the kids ready for school Victoria tells me the toilet is flooding. This is an automatic panic session for me because I hate when the toilet overflows and you only have seconds to turn the water off. In my mind I figure it will be OK...Ill plunge it like I have done many times and everything will be fine. UGGG UGGGG! NOPE!! I go in the bathroom and plunge and plunge...I think I have fixed it so I flush it again...LOW AND BEHOLD...we have Niagara falls in our bathroom. I'm plunging which is just making water go faster out of the toilet...Skyler is standing outside the bathroom yelling "MY HOUSE MY HOUSE, ITS LEAKING?" I'm freaking out standing in a pool of water and finally get the water turned off at the base of the toilet. I look over at Skyler and say to him "DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THIS TOILET?" He said "NO." Of course. So, I have to call maintenance AGAIN to help me on this one. It needs to be snaked.

To add to the drama, I went to pick up Chelsea from her sports practice and took my dog Maggie with me. We came home, went inside, ate dinner, sat down to watch the new "man vs wild," and discovered that Maggie wasn't running around as usual. Then I remembered....we left her in the car. UGGG! Matthew pipes up "Ill go get her." I say to him "now Matt, last time you locked mommy's keys in the car and we couldn't go any ware. Are you going to be more responsible this time?" "Yes mom, you can trust me." Can I just say UGGG UGGG! So, I continue to sit and watch the show and eat my yummy veggie soup that I posted about yesterday, and I soon realize that Matthew has been gone for quite a long time. Just as I am thinking that, a very somber Matthew walks in the door. Right away I get a sick feeling in my stomach...this doesn't look good. I ask him what is wrong although I really didn't want to know...and he tells me...."The key broke off in the door of the jeep." UGGG! UGGGG! I should have known better then to trust my nine year old son with my keys again. (sad face) Frustrated, I ask him what the heck he was thinking. I ask him for the keys and sure enough, the key broke off because he used the house key on the jeep and when it wouldn't open the door for him he forced it. This morning when I went out to the jeep, sure enough, half my house key was sticking out of the door. Ill never learn.
I actually have a picture of the half house key but blogger has messed with my settings and I cant post pictures. But I think you get the idea.

So, this week has been an adventure to say the least. These children have kept me on my toes for sure. Its crazy craziness, and the week isnt over yet, we have a few more days to go!!!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Whats for dinner!?!

Helen's Crock pot Vegetable Soup is whats for dinner. No, I have no idea who Helen is, but I snagged her recipe off the Internet. Its whats for dinner. I LOVE coming home to an already cooked meal in the crock pot.

Here is before it started cooking....

Here is after it had cooked for several hours. Cant wait to dig in!!! Scroll to the bottom to get the recipe!

This video below has nothing to do with "whats for dinner," but Skyler is so cute that I thought I would share. Please ignore my semi messy room and the dirty clothes in the background. :)

2 cloves garlic finely chopped
1/2 cup chopped onion
1/2 med. head cabbage, chopped (about 3 cups)
2 cups chopped zucchini, about 2 small
1 cup diced carrots
2 stalks celery chopped (1 cup)
1 28 oz canned tomatoes undrained
1 can black eye peas drained and rinsed well
1 can red kidney beans drained & rinsed well
1 pkg. 10 oz frozen chopped spinach, thawed and squeezed dry
4 cups low sodium chicken broth
4 cups tomato juice or V-8
2 tsp. dry basil, crushed
1 teaspoon salt, or to taste
1 tsp. dried oregano
1/4 tsp. pepper
a few drops hot sauce
grated Parmesan cheese

If desired, saute the onion in a little butter and oil before adding to slow cooker. Add to slow cooker, along with remaining ingredients. Cook 10-12 hours on LOW.
For a 5 to 6-quart cooker, but ingredients can be cut back for a smaller cooker. Serves 12 (Diet Exchanges: 1 Starch/bread, 2 vegetables
Serving: 1 cup 149 calories 3 fat grams 0 cholesterol

Monday, September 21, 2009

Things I wish I knew before I became a parent!

I wish I knew that after you have a baby, and before your creamy white milk comes in, it first turns a yellowish orange color. I seriously thought I was defective.

I wish I knew that sometimes babies don't poop for two to three days...and that's normal and OK. Poor Chelsea was subjected to many suppositories in her first few weeks of life.

It would have been nice to know how having a new baby in the house takes a real toll on your relationship with your significant other. Boy could we have saved ourselves a lot of heartache...if we knew what to expect....

I wish I knew that I would do more laundry and scrub out more stains then I could ever had imagined...

that potty training is one of the most challenging things I would face in my lifetime...I have seriously cleaned up enough poo in the past two weeks to fill a wheelbarrow.

I wish someone had not lied to me (grin) and told me that the two's were terrible...oh how wrong they were. In truth it should have been called the terrible three's.

I wish I would have known that I would become a single parent...although I don't know how you could prepare for that role.

I wish I would have known that in order to give my fifth child a good life, I would have to give him away...and in that giving away process...a peice of my heart would go with him.

I wish I knew:

that I would sleep less...

shower less...

worry more...

cry harder...

laugh louder...

and love so deep that sometimes it would feel as though my heart could explode.

Yes being a parent is hard, challenging, and sometimes overwhelming...but through all the challenges would I ever turn back? No way, no how. I didn't know I could love so deep and that life would be so much richer. And truth be told, its probably better that I didn't know all those things...because then I wouldn't be surprised when something new came up....and I love surprises...well...not the poopy kind!!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Im In Love!!!

Don't get to excited. Its not what you are thinking. Although the maintenance man is hot...its not the male form I'm in love with....
I'm in love with this...

My good ol Bissel bit the dust this morning. The two vacuums had a stand off...

but the Bissell just couldnt hold its ground.

Shes tired of vacuming up hamster food, and cereal, and rocks that are drug in from outside. She did put up a good fight, but in the end...

The Eureka stole my heart.

My mommy heart is happy to once again have clean vacuumed floors. The kids grandma sent me a Target gift card and it couldn't have come at a better time. I love my yellow vacuum.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

My second marriage, and domestic violence!

If you have read this post, then you know a bit about me, but because my blog was originally started to help me get through the pain in my life, tonight I need to do just that, plus a little word at the end for those who might think they are "stuck."

Who wants to look back at their life and say that they have been married and divorce twice? Shoot!! Nobody wants that. I'm sure there are people out there that have been married and divorced more then twice, but for me, once was one to many. However, everyone wants to love and be loved. I wanted to (and still do) want to grow old with someone...enjoy grand babies together...and I just don't want to be alone.

So, I got married (again) in 2004. I lived in Colorado and he lived in Washington. We knew we were to get married so we tried to start meshing our lives together as much as possible...and the first step was for me to start attending a church much like the one he was. I grew up in a non-denominational church, and he (being saved later in life) was attending a fundamental independent Baptist church. He talked to his pastor and was given the name of a church (highly recommended) for me to attend here in Colorado until we were to live together in Washington.

I started to attend this small church, loved the people, loved the teaching, didn't so much like the dress code, but I dealt with it and went on. (they are very much a skirt church)

Second thing that needed to be done was the discipline of the children. I don't know why I didn't notice how controlling he was before we were married, because I was so aimed to please I must have side swiped it. He was very specific on how I was to discipline them and for what reasons and for what offenses. I really loved him and wanted our families to work so I just did what he told me.

Soon R (Ill call him R) came out to get me and my kids and we started our new life in Washington. We started attending his church (same denomination) and I was about to embark on the new life of a married Baptist wife.

Things started to really get worrisome for me right off the bat. It was one thing when I was disciplining my children, but he seemed so unreasonable. One morning before church, I went into my room to get something and I saw my little Matt with blood poring out of his nose onto his newly pressed dress shirt. I freaked out and asked R what was going on. He was just gallivanting around getting ready for church as my son was bleeding and crying on a chair in my room. R told me that Matt wasn't listening and so he popped him on the face and Matt turned his head and his nose got hit instead. I was SHOCKED that R had the audacity to hit my child on the face. Other punishments included being in time out...time out rules according to R meant standing in the corner with your nose touching the wall...on your tippy toes for about an hour...or longer if he so chose. He would put a chair right behind them and sit there the whole time watching them. When the time out was done, the child would collapse on the floor in a heap of pain from being on their toes for so long, and R would yell at them "Get up off the floor and stop being a cry baby."

The weirdness didn't stop there. He was really big on the children eating ALL of their food at meal time. I would beg him to let me get the children's plates ready because he would just put to much food on the plate for them and because they had to finish it all I wanted to put smaller portions for them. He refused, so my kids would sit down with these huge portions. Most of the time they would end up throwing up in the bathroom, and he would make them go clean up the sickness and stand there and bawl them out on how they shouldn't make themselves throw up. One time I had to stop him, he was going to make Matt eat his throw up because he was so mad at him for not finishing his dinner.

Like I said before we attended a Baptist church. He was always using the church and God as excuses for the things he did. When we married I had a HUGE collection of all my contemporary christian music that I had collected over the years. I loved my music and used it many times to have private moments with God. R didn't believe that my music was Godly. He said that all music had to be approved by him...and with that...all my movies and music were burned in a bonn fire that evening. I watched my things burn and go up in smoke. WHY? Because they were ungodly? The Bible says in Ephesians 5:19 (King James Version)"Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord." Nobody knows what the hymns were like or sounded like back then. God just wants us to sing to him with songs about him. I was so hurt by what he did.

It goes on and on...I cant even tell you the guilt I have for staying as long as I did with this man. The day I caught him with an erection while playing with my girls was the end of the line for me. (yes CPS was called on him) I know many people will ask why I stayed so long (one very long year)...and why I was willing to accept that behavior. I can only say that I feel I was brain washed or something. He was always telling me that I was to submit to him. "YOU MUST SUBMIT TO ME! YOU WILL DO WHAT I SAY!" For a long time I thought that the Baptist church was to blame for his behavior (they did a lot of teaching on submission), and I felt a bit of pressure to submit to my husband in order to be a good wife...but when I got to know the families I realized that this submission that R was forcing on me is not what the church was teaching about....it was R and his crazy need to control me and my children. Now I must say that the church(s) we attended are very very traditional in the way they do things, say things, and dress...BUT....this post is not to bash them or give them a bad name. I love the Baptist church, but to be honest, I don't think I can ever attend again. To many bad memories, to many memories inter meshed with the church, not because of the church, but because of R and what he did to us using the church as an excuse.

Why am I telling you this and what have I learned from this? I am NOT an advocate of divorce. I hate divorce, its destructive. What divorce does to children is devastating. The ones divorce hurts the most are the children. My children are victims of it all and I am not proud of it. I share my story for others to read. Maybe you are in a relationship that is abusive. My advice to you would be to seek help. Many Church's have free counseling. I know that your spouse might not go...BUT YOU GO ALONE!! Don't wait for your spouse to go...get help...seek Godly counsel...but don't live it alone. I wish I had the courage to get help sooner. I can only offer help to others that might be to scared to seek it on their own. Email me(my address is in my blog profile, and public to everyone)I will help point you in the right direction.

Remember God loves you, he knows what you are going through, he only wants you to seek him. Also remember that God works through other people so don't be afraid to reach out. You are loved, needed, cherished.

Friday, September 18, 2009

New blog design!!

Introducing my new blog design. I had to give a shout out to Mandy. She did this for me. I truly love it. Its fun and colorful. I love her heart, and that she donates much of her money to wonderful causes. Check her out here!!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Getting real!

Its no secret that I am an over weight women. My pictures prove it, and as much as I try and hide it...well it shows. I have not always been over weight. I remember the days when I weighed 135 pounds and looked like this.

Those days are long gone.

A little history on me:
At eighteen I fell in love. At nineteen I got pregnant, and at twenty years old I got married and had my first baby. All my dreams had come true. I always wanted to be a mom, and a wife, but my dreams were shattered when after two more babies and a failed marriage of six years, I found myself, divorced, lost, and alone with no direction.

Finding myself in the roll of a single mom, I pressed on, joined college, got a good job and tried to hold everything together. I soon learned what I was and was not capable of. School did not go well. I was failing classes and just couldn't keep up with my three little ones, school, and a job. To compensate I quit going to school.

In the meantime, my parents, after being married for 30 years were getting a divorce. I was devastated. I think I went through a bit of a rebellion and dated a few men, who turned out to be nothing but disappointments, and fell deeper and deeper into dispare. I struggled a bit with drinking, depression, and over eating. What was going on with my life? Why couldn't I make anything work? These questions kept going through my head over and over. I was searching for answers, looking for love (as cliche as it may sound) in all the wrong places.

To try and fill my loneliness, I joined an online dating site that was supposed to be Christian. I met a man who I will call R. He was in the military (I love a man in uniform), seemed to love the Lord with all his heart, and certainly took a great interest in me and my children, which is what I was looking for. We dated from a distance(he was stationed in Washington state) for about a year. He came to visit me in Colorado twice, and from there I fell in love and we promised to get married.

We did everything right (so I thought). We kept our relationship pure till our wedding night, we read the Bible and prayed together daily, and I even talked to his pastor and many other people who vouched for him...everything seemed perfect. Plans were set, and he drove out to get me and my kids. I said good bye to my family and I blindly moved to Washington.

He was a very "Fundamental Baptist" sort of man. He was very strict in his ways, but very loose with his tongue.(boy could he cuss) What I thought I knew of him while we dated, turned out to be the opposite of who he really was. His discipline of my children was abusive, and about a year and a half after we were married I discovered that he had a fondness for young children...and had no interest in me. I was so devastate. I was three months pregnant with Skyler, and again facing single motherhood...but now with four children. Again I questioned God. I couldn't understand why things just never work out for me.

I took my children and my growing baby inside and attempted to start over...again. Boy was I getting tired of this starting over thing.

Starting over is never fun. Being in abusive relationships means that when I leave, I pretty much have to flee. We left with only what we could fit in our jeep, which wasn't much.

I went on to have my baby, who is now sweet Skyler. Two to three years passed and I didn't date anyone. I focused on my kids and was actually quite content being single. When Ron(Tyrus's birth father) came into my life it took me by surprise. I know I wasn't ready to be dating anyone, but I just went with the flow, as I do with everything else in my life. This time I compromised...and in an effort to please him, agreed to have a baby before we were married. When things took a turn for the worse and I discovered that Ron was not being faithful to me (if that is even the word for it when you are not married) I ended it and again was facing single parenthood, but this time with five children. I was done.....and couldn't handle things anymore.

You all know ware the story goes from here. I am not writing this as a sob story. I have long ago come to grips with the way my life has turned out...the reason I am writing it is to establish that because of the years and years of heartache and bad decisions, I have let myself go. I no longer look like (what I think is) the beautiful girl in the pictures above. I am 143 pounds over weight...this is dangerous and very scary. I suffer from a lot of problems that come with obesity, and although I have kept my high energy, my body is not handling the extra weight very well.

I have decided I have had enough. I want to get healthy again, and I would do anything to be even close to the weight I was before I had my first baby. Life would be so much richer if I could run with my kids, and roll in the grass...and just keep up with them in general. I feel as though I am an embarrassment to the kids. I want them to be proud of me, and I want to set a good example of health to them so that they can have long healthy lives.

In short(although there is nothing short about this post)its time for a change, its time to stop living in the past and saying things like "I haven't always looked like this." Its time to stop letting situations and circumstances rule my life. I'm ready to start taking care of myself and start living for me, not for the people around me, its time to get real.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Money from a birth mothers perspective!

Ive wanted to post about this for a while. I am trying to blog about every aspect of the adoption from my point of view as I can in hopes it will help others through their journey.

Money...when you put the word money and adoption together...most people just cringe. I know I do now.

I never thought about money when I first decided on adoption. From a personal standpoint...I was OK. I had a good job, made plenty of money to support my children, and had medical insurance to cover all my medical expenses. Beyond that, money didn't cross my mind. I thought Id pick the parents, have the baby, hand him over, and wala, everything will be fine. Boy was I wrong.

Things took a drastic turn for me during my pregnancy with Ty. I made my money by babysitting out of my home. When I got pregnant "out of wedlock," the family I worked for fired me because I was immoral, and I was left with nothing. The birth father owed me money, and refused to pay me so I knew he was going to be no help, and with me so pregnant I didn't see any chance at getting a job.

Before I got fired, and I was comfortable financially, the agency would regularly ask me if I was OK financially and I would tell them that I was fine but if anything came up I would let them know. I was told by my case worker early on that she could get me anything I needed, including 300 dollars worth of maternity clothes, money for food, and if needed, I could request that ALL my rent be paid each month up until a month after the baby was born. I was appalled. (remember I'm just being honest about what I felt) I didn't know EXACTLY how much this adoption was costing B and R but I knew it was up near 20,000 and so in my mind, for me to ask for anything from them was just not going to happen. In fact, I posted this blog here, and talked about how I would "never" ask R and B for extra money. So when I lost my job and wasn't sure what area to turn to I felt forced to talk to Rebekah about this. She was so sweet and told me that if I need anything then they would be happy to help me out. There was no way I was going to ask for ALL of my rent...that's near eight hundred dollars a month and really I didn't need all of my rent paid (child support covered a bit of it) I just need a small bit of money to get me through the rest of the pregnancy. Everything had to go through the agency so I told my case worker how much I thought I needed and they again told me that it would be OK if I wanted ALL my rent paid. They said that some girls (birth moms) don't need the money for the rent but they take it anyway and put it into savings for after baby was born. My thoughts were "I would really like R and B to be able to have some money left over to RAISE my son, thank you very much." SHEESH!!! Its bad enough that they are being robbed(IMO)of precious money just to get a baby, what happens to people after baby comes home and they are just leaked dry financially. Its maddening.

I don't really know where I am going with this. I just remember the money thing being a HUGE stress for me. I remember the agency presenting these options to me as if they were free to me...and maybe they were free to me but they were not free to R and B and that really stressed me out. I understand that I was giving my baby away and that it was OK for me to accept things in order for the pregnancy to go smoothly and I in no way want to discourage other birth moms from taking what they need from their adoptive parents...I am just saying that in my situation, I really felt a weirdness about the whole thing. Maybe it was because I was so close to Rebekah and Ben, maybe it was because I wasn't prepared for all that was involved...I'm not sure.

At one point I had to sign a paper stating that if I did accept any help financially that if I changed my mind in the end, then I would be responsible to pay back all moneys given to me. That scared me...not because I was going to change my mind, but because I had NO idea how the end would turn out with the birth father. It was so scary to me NOT to really know how it was all going to go. I didn't have any other options as far as taking the money each month, but I knew that if anything bad happened and I had to come home with a baby because the birth father was a jerk, I could never pay that money back. I hated the thought of hurting anybody. Can I just tell you I was STRESSED out? LOL

Thank God everything turned out good. I still hate that I said here that I would never take any money and then later had to EAT my words. (sigh) But I think, because of the way it turned out, everything is OK.

The reason I blogged about this was to give my perspective on this area of adoption. I should have been open to the help when needed and let my guilt fade away. I should have not spoken to soon about never taking help and just let things go as they needed to. Sometimes I have a hard time asking for help and I let it show. So there you have it.
On a side note. Can I just say that I am OVERWHELMED? This single mom thing is really really hard. I'm in tears tonight thinking about how on earth I am going to make all of this work, and Im not talking about money. I need some cyber hugs tonight for sure. I also want to say I am sorry for not leaving comments on all your blogs. I do read them and you are all so important to me and have been there for me through so much. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Did I just say that?

Another fellow blogger had this great idea. Being a mother is nothing short of hilarious sometimes. Here are some of the things Ive caught myself saying:

Well, if you wouldn't pick the dog up by the tail she wouldn't bite you.

Please stop playing in the trash can.

Yes that is your penis, please put your under ware back on.

No you can not ride down the bike trail. Because its 35 miles long and someone might take you. Yes I know you are big and strong but I would miss you if someone did take you despite your superhero powers.

It doesn't work because there are no batteries in it. We have to buy some at the store. Yes I know...it doesn't work...yes we need batteries...from the store...Yes son...we've been over this...I know it doesn't work and we need batteries. (sigh)

You want some chocolate milk? OK Ill get you some...oh...you don't want it now...well you don't have to have the chocolate milk but I thought you asked for it. Well if you don't want chocolate milk what do you want? Chocolate milk? (sigh) OK, Ill get it.

Why is there poo in the toilet with no toilet paper? Who did it? (no answer) OK everyone go get your showers.

Yes I know the car doesn't work because we need batteries. (uggg) Its not going to start working just because you are shaking it. Stop shaking the car, your going to break it.

The dog doesn't like it when you pull her up by her ear. I'm not going to feel sorry for you when she bites you again. I told you not to do that. Yes that is a dog bite. She bit you because you tried to pull her ear off.

Stop picking your nose...and DON'T EAT YOUR BOOGERS!! Get a tissue for Gods sake!!

No we are not going to eat cereal for dinner. Yes I know we did last night but we are not going to tonight.

The dog bit you again....you deserve it.

Did you just pee on the floor? Why did you pee on the floor. How many times do I have to tell you to pee on the toilet? Its yucky to have pee on the floor.

No you may not use a hammer to fix your bike.

Its normal to start getting hair there. No it doesn't mean your weird, and yes every body else has hair there to.

You shaved your face? Is that why your lip is bleeding? Do NOT shave your face. What the heck did you think you were doing?

Stop it!!

Quit making that noise. That is a horrible noise. Ive never heard such a horrible noise. What animal are you trying to imitate? Well quit.

Yes those are mommy's boobs. NO you may not poke at them.

Yes....I know we need batteries!!!


You swallowed a button? What in the heck made you do something like that? No you are not going to die. Settle down, your not going to die. Here let me help you. Ive got some button melting medicine (ahem which is actually a chewable Tylenol but a three year old doesn't know that). You feel the button melting....well good. All better now. Now no more putting buttons in your mouth.

And I leave you with a picture of me and Skyler when he was just a newborn....AHEM before he could talk. LOL