Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Getting real!

Its no secret that I am an over weight women. My pictures prove it, and as much as I try and hide it...well it shows. I have not always been over weight. I remember the days when I weighed 135 pounds and looked like this.

Those days are long gone.

A little history on me:
At eighteen I fell in love. At nineteen I got pregnant, and at twenty years old I got married and had my first baby. All my dreams had come true. I always wanted to be a mom, and a wife, but my dreams were shattered when after two more babies and a failed marriage of six years, I found myself, divorced, lost, and alone with no direction.

Finding myself in the roll of a single mom, I pressed on, joined college, got a good job and tried to hold everything together. I soon learned what I was and was not capable of. School did not go well. I was failing classes and just couldn't keep up with my three little ones, school, and a job. To compensate I quit going to school.

In the meantime, my parents, after being married for 30 years were getting a divorce. I was devastated. I think I went through a bit of a rebellion and dated a few men, who turned out to be nothing but disappointments, and fell deeper and deeper into dispare. I struggled a bit with drinking, depression, and over eating. What was going on with my life? Why couldn't I make anything work? These questions kept going through my head over and over. I was searching for answers, looking for love (as cliche as it may sound) in all the wrong places.

To try and fill my loneliness, I joined an online dating site that was supposed to be Christian. I met a man who I will call R. He was in the military (I love a man in uniform), seemed to love the Lord with all his heart, and certainly took a great interest in me and my children, which is what I was looking for. We dated from a distance(he was stationed in Washington state) for about a year. He came to visit me in Colorado twice, and from there I fell in love and we promised to get married.

We did everything right (so I thought). We kept our relationship pure till our wedding night, we read the Bible and prayed together daily, and I even talked to his pastor and many other people who vouched for him...everything seemed perfect. Plans were set, and he drove out to get me and my kids. I said good bye to my family and I blindly moved to Washington.

He was a very "Fundamental Baptist" sort of man. He was very strict in his ways, but very loose with his tongue.(boy could he cuss) What I thought I knew of him while we dated, turned out to be the opposite of who he really was. His discipline of my children was abusive, and about a year and a half after we were married I discovered that he had a fondness for young children...and had no interest in me. I was so devastate. I was three months pregnant with Skyler, and again facing single motherhood...but now with four children. Again I questioned God. I couldn't understand why things just never work out for me.

I took my children and my growing baby inside and attempted to start over...again. Boy was I getting tired of this starting over thing.

Starting over is never fun. Being in abusive relationships means that when I leave, I pretty much have to flee. We left with only what we could fit in our jeep, which wasn't much.

I went on to have my baby, who is now sweet Skyler. Two to three years passed and I didn't date anyone. I focused on my kids and was actually quite content being single. When Ron(Tyrus's birth father) came into my life it took me by surprise. I know I wasn't ready to be dating anyone, but I just went with the flow, as I do with everything else in my life. This time I compromised...and in an effort to please him, agreed to have a baby before we were married. When things took a turn for the worse and I discovered that Ron was not being faithful to me (if that is even the word for it when you are not married) I ended it and again was facing single parenthood, but this time with five children. I was done.....and couldn't handle things anymore.

You all know ware the story goes from here. I am not writing this as a sob story. I have long ago come to grips with the way my life has turned out...the reason I am writing it is to establish that because of the years and years of heartache and bad decisions, I have let myself go. I no longer look like (what I think is) the beautiful girl in the pictures above. I am 143 pounds over weight...this is dangerous and very scary. I suffer from a lot of problems that come with obesity, and although I have kept my high energy, my body is not handling the extra weight very well.

I have decided I have had enough. I want to get healthy again, and I would do anything to be even close to the weight I was before I had my first baby. Life would be so much richer if I could run with my kids, and roll in the grass...and just keep up with them in general. I feel as though I am an embarrassment to the kids. I want them to be proud of me, and I want to set a good example of health to them so that they can have long healthy lives.

In short(although there is nothing short about this post)its time for a change, its time to stop living in the past and saying things like "I haven't always looked like this." Its time to stop letting situations and circumstances rule my life. I'm ready to start taking care of myself and start living for me, not for the people around me, its time to get real.


mak'n Changes said...

I know you will do this and rock it while you do it! I believe in you becky and I'm super proud of you!
Love u

Jill said...

Once again, thank you for sharing. I know this must be hard but theraputic, and I am proud of you! Yes, you were one hot mama then, but please don't forget you are now too!
Love the Senior pics! Wish I could find mine!!

the Spocks said...

What a great post! I will cheer you on. You can do it, stay focused.

Our family needs to be healthier too, sticking with a routine is hard though. Being able to admit it is the first step.

M/J Granata said...

Oh, sweet Rebekah. As I have mentioned, you are so precious. Your weight does not define you... but I completely understand how you feel about wanting to get healthy! You ARE beautiful just the way you ARE.

We have all made decisions in our lives that we look back on and question. However, God knows your heart... He created it. He knows your pain and your desires. He will help you be strong as you make this decision to "get healthy" and happy.

I will pray that God will give you the strength and tools to do what you need to do!

Check out Dori Pink's blog (it is her journey over the past year... she has lost over 70 pounds). She is a dear adoptive mother friend of mine and has been an incredible support for me. She explains how challenging it has been to lose weight... but, how rewarding and fulfilling it has been. I have been cheering her on the entire way! She is a doll!


I am praying for you and cheering you on. Remember, you are precious, special, and loved for who you are!

LL said...

You can do this!

My mom has lost over 30 lbs. Her health was really going downhill and it scared her enough to lose weight. She is now under 160!She is an emotional eater so when she gets stressed, she eats.

Leah said...

I am always so amazed by your honesty.

I have complete confidence that you can change your life for the better. You are a strong, amazing woman.

Anonymous said...

Rebekah, I too was overweight and saw my health deteriote before my eyes. I joined weight watchers and committed myself to losing all the extra pounds. I have gone from 182 to 112 and have kept it off for 2 years. The reason I tell you this is because I also thought it was not possible...it is. You sound very dedicated to this journery. Do it for yourself and kids. You will feel so much better. But remember...the beauty lies inside and you radiate beauty with your words and the love you give your kids.

Lynnette said...

You can do ths!!! I will support you through your journey. I lost 70 pounds through Weight Watchers and have kept it off over a year. I feel so much healthier.

SJ said...

I'm with you on this one :) You can do it!

btw, I've given you a blog award. Check it out on my blog!

Kim said...

Hi there! Thanks for visiting my blog! I love your honesty in your blog. You have a beautiful way of sharing what is on your heart. I am a little over 100# overweight :( so I know where you're coming from. You sound determined! Prayers for strength and success for you!
About a year and a half ago I lost 25#s in about 6 weeks using a book/bible study called Women of Moderation by Dee Brestin. I can't say enough good things about it. Check it out! At first glance it might seem "too hard" or even impossible because she uses the f word, ya know... fasting, lol! But give it a chance. With God on your side (and indeed He is!) you can do ANYTHING!!!!!

Figgy said...

Thanks for posting such an honest and personal blog. I understand struggles with weight even if my own have looked different. I am super proud of you though for your courage to see a problem and determination to fix it. I support you 100% and am here to help in any way you need. Need nutrition advice? I'm your girl :)

Rebekah said...

Good for you!!!!! You are a STRONG woman; I have no doubt you can do anything you put your mind to!

3 Little Snaps said...

You can do it!!!
Thanks for reading and commenting on my blog :)

cc said...

You go Girl...You can do it...I'm here for you as always.

Just remember..your inner beauty is absolutely gorgeous!

Love and Hugs to ya,

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to clarify, with your ex what did you mean exactly by he had a fondness for children. In a sexual way you mean?

Anonymous said...

Hi, I just came upon your blog today and decided to start reading. I am sorry for the struggles you have gone through, but from what I have read you are a pretty amazing and inspiring woman! God Bless you!