I was so excited to see that Rebekah had a new blog post today. I LOVE her updates and although we do communicate beyond the blog world...we do use our blogs to keep in touch with each other and I love it.
Tonight I put the kids to bed in preparation for a six hour cleaning job I have tomorrow...I sat down at the computer and started doing my nightly checks on all my favorite blogs...and of course Rebekah was one of them, and I read these words...."When I look at Ty, I do not see someone else's son. I see my son."
Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized something...something really extraordinary to me...When I look at Ty, I don't see my son, I see Rebekah and Ben's son. I realize that those words might be really hard for people to understand, particularly other birth mothers. They might be thinking "How can she say that? He is her son." But you see when I gave Ty to R and B, I not only gave them a baby, but I gave them MY place as his mother. There was more then one gift involved.
I do love Ty, and for me to be so open about my feelings on this is really hard because for me to say that I don't feel like his mother almost makes me feel like I am betraying him in some weird sort of way, but in my mind I know I am not and that he has no idea I'm feeling this way at all. Its just how it feels in my heart. It doesn't mean that I don't long to be near him and it doesn't mean that I am walking away. It doesn't mean that he holds less importance to me and it doesn't mean that I didn't want him...it just means that because of the choices I made for him, his place in my life is different. He will never call me mom because I am not his mom, he has a wonderful mother...but I do play a very special roll in his life and he has a special place in my heart.
Things couldn't be better for baby Ty and his family. It has turned out exactly how I pictured it would. I used to day dream that Rebekah would call me and I would talk to her about my kids and she would tell me about her son. You know what? That's exactly what we do. Its amazing to be part of Ty's life in this way. Its like two friends talking...but yet...because of who I am (his birth mom) it is WAY more special to me and I feel so blessed to be able to be so involved.
With all of that said...sometimes I do still get sad. Even though I don't feel like his mother I do feel a bond to him, and even though I was only with him for a short time...I do miss him and I am glad I miss him...its good and healthy and I never want to forget all that I have been through.
I'm not sure that anything I have written here tonight makes sense. I have never been good at putting my thoughts into words. The words never seem to come out exactly the way I want them to...but I try.
Ive never stolen anything in my life...but I'm about to do so tonight....its a picture. Rebekah posted this on her blog and It is so amazingly cute that I just had to steal it...I don't think she will mind. LOL I also had to (again) compare how close Ty and my Victoria (now eleven years old) look alike. I am beside myself on how much alike they look. Now Ty is almost three months and Victoria was a year in this picture so they are not the same age but still....sheesh!!