Tonight I put the kids to bed in preparation for a six hour cleaning job I have tomorrow...I sat down at the computer and started doing my nightly checks on all my favorite blogs...and of course Rebekah was one of them, and I read these words...."When I look at Ty, I do not see someone else's son. I see my son."
Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized something...something really extraordinary to me...When I look at Ty, I don't see my son, I see Rebekah and Ben's son. I realize that those words might be really hard for people to understand, particularly other birth mothers. They might be thinking "How can she say that? He is her son." But you see when I gave Ty to R and B, I not only gave them a baby, but I gave them MY place as his mother. There was more then one gift involved.
I do love Ty, and for me to be so open about my feelings on this is really hard because for me to say that I don't feel like his mother almost makes me feel like I am betraying him in some weird sort of way, but in my mind I know I am not and that he has no idea I'm feeling this way at all. Its just how it feels in my heart. It doesn't mean that I don't long to be near him and it doesn't mean that I am walking away. It doesn't mean that he holds less importance to me and it doesn't mean that I didn't want him...it just means that because of the choices I made for him, his place in my life is different. He will never call me mom because I am not his mom, he has a wonderful mother...but I do play a very special roll in his life and he has a special place in my heart.
Things couldn't be better for baby Ty and his family. It has turned out exactly how I pictured it would. I used to day dream that Rebekah would call me and I would talk to her about my kids and she would tell me about her son. You know what? That's exactly what we do. Its amazing to be part of Ty's life in this way. Its like two friends talking...but yet...because of who I am (his birth mom) it is WAY more special to me and I feel so blessed to be able to be so involved.
With all of that said...sometimes I do still get sad. Even though I don't feel like his mother I do feel a bond to him, and even though I was only with him for a short time...I do miss him and I am glad I miss him...its good and healthy and I never want to forget all that I have been through.
I'm not sure that anything I have written here tonight makes sense. I have never been good at putting my thoughts into words. The words never seem to come out exactly the way I want them to...but I try.
Ive never stolen anything in my life...but I'm about to do so tonight....its a picture. Rebekah posted this on her blog and It is so amazingly cute that I just had to steal it...I don't think she will mind. LOL I also had to (again) compare how close Ty and my Victoria (now eleven years old) look alike. I am beside myself on how much alike they look. Now Ty is almost three months and Victoria was a year in this picture so they are not the same age but still....sheesh!!
Baby Victoria!!
Baby Tyrus!!
11 comments:
Awwww! They do look quite alike!
Great post Rebekah.....I love that you speak from your heart!
Rebekah... Thank you for this beautiful post. You are an angel. You are. I hope and pray that God touches your heart each and every day in special way... and that He wipes your pain and every tear away.
I sit here reading your post, early in the morning, and I am in awe of your heart, your spirit, and your purity. Your children are so blessed to have you as their incredible mother.
Ben and Rebekah are so blessed and fortunate to have found you... I pray that Mike and I find a special person like you... one day.
I hope that you have a blessed day full of all happy things.
Much Love...
Julie... :)
Such a sweet post. . . and everything you said made complete sense. :-D
You are a great writer! And you can steal things from my blog anytime! :)
This is a wonderful post and a great perspective for people to see - I have a feeling after our talk at the agency tomorrow, you'll have a lot of visitors!
And I agree, Ty looks just like Victoria. The eyes and nose especially!
Rebekah,
Lovely, lovely. I do believe that my daughter's birthmother would say the very same thing. You can feel a bond with your birth child, and even know and feel they are a part of your family- because they are! But also knowing you gave them the gift of another mommy and daddy, and that is a bond they will have for all of time.
Your candidness is what keeps bringing me back to read your words and feel your heart. Thank you for this beautiful gift!
What an amazing journey through life this is.........
you said it so eloquently; it just touches my heart to read your thoughts about Ty and R/B raising him; I can imagine this is difficult for you at times as you miss him but what an incredible gift you gave to Ty but also to R/B in all aspects of his birth, adoption, letting him go, letting him live with his new family, etc.
betty
Its crazy how much they look alike. I see victoria in a lot of Tys pictures. Your heart came thru loud and clear in this post. You are so beautiful becky!
Love you!
Cindie
Wow,Lizzie (only a mom uses that nickname ha!)your feelings on this blog are very candid. That touches my heart so much because you have not always been one to be very outspoken with your feelings. This journey you have chosen has "grown" you in so many ways. I see real beauty and openess in your character my daughter. I love you so much.
Mom
I just wanted to say you have every right to know what your 13yr old is doing on the computer as well as who she is talking to. This is not being an overbearing mother but a protective mother. There is alot going on with the internet and IMO it really is not appropriate to have a 13yr old on the internet unsupervised and not knowing what she is doing. Not really safe.
I hope you dont take this the wrong way but it sounds like Chelsea is "growing up too fast" and her interest in boys would worry me. I really think you should try to gain some control on that situation or I think you could be a grandma before you know it.
I know you have been through alot as well as your kids (have been following your journal since TLOL) so I know there has been alot of upheavel in the kids lives and not so much stability (I dont mean this in a demeaning way to you only trying to be helpful). It sounds like Chelsea may be looking for male attention for the lack of male
stability in her/your lives. Have you ever taken your kids to counseling....just bc all of the events/unstability in their lives? The last controlling husband you had...the adoption, etc?
Awesome post Rebekah!
I am adopting my two youngest through the foster care system. There are times I wonder WTH their birth mother is thinking or doing? Thanks for shedding a little light on the subject for me.
People around me, around my family, see the kids as mine also. They see themselves as mine. I can't wait till it is official and I have paper to prove it.
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