Saturday, September 19, 2009

My second marriage, and domestic violence!

If you have read this post, then you know a bit about me, but because my blog was originally started to help me get through the pain in my life, tonight I need to do just that, plus a little word at the end for those who might think they are "stuck."

Who wants to look back at their life and say that they have been married and divorce twice? Shoot!! Nobody wants that. I'm sure there are people out there that have been married and divorced more then twice, but for me, once was one to many. However, everyone wants to love and be loved. I wanted to (and still do) want to grow old with someone...enjoy grand babies together...and I just don't want to be alone.

So, I got married (again) in 2004. I lived in Colorado and he lived in Washington. We knew we were to get married so we tried to start meshing our lives together as much as possible...and the first step was for me to start attending a church much like the one he was. I grew up in a non-denominational church, and he (being saved later in life) was attending a fundamental independent Baptist church. He talked to his pastor and was given the name of a church (highly recommended) for me to attend here in Colorado until we were to live together in Washington.

I started to attend this small church, loved the people, loved the teaching, didn't so much like the dress code, but I dealt with it and went on. (they are very much a skirt church)

Second thing that needed to be done was the discipline of the children. I don't know why I didn't notice how controlling he was before we were married, because I was so aimed to please I must have side swiped it. He was very specific on how I was to discipline them and for what reasons and for what offenses. I really loved him and wanted our families to work so I just did what he told me.

Soon R (Ill call him R) came out to get me and my kids and we started our new life in Washington. We started attending his church (same denomination) and I was about to embark on the new life of a married Baptist wife.

Things started to really get worrisome for me right off the bat. It was one thing when I was disciplining my children, but he seemed so unreasonable. One morning before church, I went into my room to get something and I saw my little Matt with blood poring out of his nose onto his newly pressed dress shirt. I freaked out and asked R what was going on. He was just gallivanting around getting ready for church as my son was bleeding and crying on a chair in my room. R told me that Matt wasn't listening and so he popped him on the face and Matt turned his head and his nose got hit instead. I was SHOCKED that R had the audacity to hit my child on the face. Other punishments included being in time out...time out rules according to R meant standing in the corner with your nose touching the wall...on your tippy toes for about an hour...or longer if he so chose. He would put a chair right behind them and sit there the whole time watching them. When the time out was done, the child would collapse on the floor in a heap of pain from being on their toes for so long, and R would yell at them "Get up off the floor and stop being a cry baby."

The weirdness didn't stop there. He was really big on the children eating ALL of their food at meal time. I would beg him to let me get the children's plates ready because he would just put to much food on the plate for them and because they had to finish it all I wanted to put smaller portions for them. He refused, so my kids would sit down with these huge portions. Most of the time they would end up throwing up in the bathroom, and he would make them go clean up the sickness and stand there and bawl them out on how they shouldn't make themselves throw up. One time I had to stop him, he was going to make Matt eat his throw up because he was so mad at him for not finishing his dinner.

Like I said before we attended a Baptist church. He was always using the church and God as excuses for the things he did. When we married I had a HUGE collection of all my contemporary christian music that I had collected over the years. I loved my music and used it many times to have private moments with God. R didn't believe that my music was Godly. He said that all music had to be approved by him...and with that...all my movies and music were burned in a bonn fire that evening. I watched my things burn and go up in smoke. WHY? Because they were ungodly? The Bible says in Ephesians 5:19 (King James Version)"Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord." Nobody knows what the hymns were like or sounded like back then. God just wants us to sing to him with songs about him. I was so hurt by what he did.

It goes on and on...I cant even tell you the guilt I have for staying as long as I did with this man. The day I caught him with an erection while playing with my girls was the end of the line for me. (yes CPS was called on him) I know many people will ask why I stayed so long (one very long year)...and why I was willing to accept that behavior. I can only say that I feel I was brain washed or something. He was always telling me that I was to submit to him. "YOU MUST SUBMIT TO ME! YOU WILL DO WHAT I SAY!" For a long time I thought that the Baptist church was to blame for his behavior (they did a lot of teaching on submission), and I felt a bit of pressure to submit to my husband in order to be a good wife...but when I got to know the families I realized that this submission that R was forcing on me is not what the church was teaching was R and his crazy need to control me and my children. Now I must say that the church(s) we attended are very very traditional in the way they do things, say things, and dress...BUT....this post is not to bash them or give them a bad name. I love the Baptist church, but to be honest, I don't think I can ever attend again. To many bad memories, to many memories inter meshed with the church, not because of the church, but because of R and what he did to us using the church as an excuse.

Why am I telling you this and what have I learned from this? I am NOT an advocate of divorce. I hate divorce, its destructive. What divorce does to children is devastating. The ones divorce hurts the most are the children. My children are victims of it all and I am not proud of it. I share my story for others to read. Maybe you are in a relationship that is abusive. My advice to you would be to seek help. Many Church's have free counseling. I know that your spouse might not go...BUT YOU GO ALONE!! Don't wait for your spouse to go...get Godly counsel...but don't live it alone. I wish I had the courage to get help sooner. I can only offer help to others that might be to scared to seek it on their own. Email me(my address is in my blog profile, and public to everyone)I will help point you in the right direction.

Remember God loves you, he knows what you are going through, he only wants you to seek him. Also remember that God works through other people so don't be afraid to reach out. You are loved, needed, cherished.


Mandy and Jack said...

Oh, Rebekah, I'm so sorry about this. What a terrible thing to go through. You don't deserve that. Thank you for sharing this story. I hope it makes a difference to somebody who is in the situation you were in. What a witness.

And I hate that he used God's word against you - Yes, we are called to submit to our husbands, but they are also called to love us. We are NOT called to be abused by our husbands!

Submission does not apply for abusive relationships. Good for you for getting OUT!!! Good for you for taking care of your kids!! I don't see that as a failed marriage on your part. I see that as you getting yourself and your kids out of a dangerous situation. It's a whole different thing.

Good for you.

Kimberly said...

Thank you for sharing. Hopefully there will be someone who reads this and realizes that what they are living is not what life is all about.
I am glad you got away from R, and were able to take your children. Divorce isn't pretty, and children shouldn't have to be part of it, but when either parent is abusive, the responsible parent has to protect the children. Good for you because you got away...

Anonymous said...

Oh sweetheart, I am beyond sorry that you and your kids had to experience such a horrific thing. Girl my heart is broken for your past but also rejoicing that though the effects I know are lasting, that is is just your past. I understand the connection between him and the baptist church. There are plenty of things in my life that I can't handle because of bad emotional connections. I couldn't go to church at all (regardless of denomination) for awhile, for similar reasons. I'm just glad you have learned and are in a safe place now. I know your kids will have lasting consequences of the things that they have had to see/hear/experience in the past but God is faithful and gracious and will help guide them through it all. Love you girl.

Kel said...

What a brave woman you are, keep fighting! God has blessings in store for you.

Lynnette said...

Things do not always go as we plan. I love to read your blog, you are so honest and open. We can all learn from you. You are such a strong woman with so much courage. I am glad that you were strong enough to get you and your children away from that crazy man!!

mak'n Changes said...

You amaze me lady! I'm just so incredibly proud of you for standing tall and rescuing your children from that especially your youngest. R reminds me of the guy who kidnapped the girl and kept her in his back yard and used his religion to cover over it. Crazy man! I love you!

birthmothertalks said...

Wow!! I am sorry that you and your children had to go through all that. However, I am glad that you got away. Not everyone is able to make a break. Thanks for sharing.

Leah said...

What a powerful post.

I'm so sorry for what you went through, and it took a great amount of strength for you to leave.

So many people do hateful things out of their religions, and it's sad. I'm just happy you aren't in that situation anymore.

Two Hands said...

I've been there, my friend. I didn't have children at the time, but I stayed longer than I should have and yes, you do get brainwashed. You start to believe that this is the ONLY person who will ever love you so you can't risk losing them. Remember though, that God has forgiven you for whatever you feel guilty for, you have only to forgive yourself now.
As for Baptist churches, you come up here with that beautiful family of yours and I'll show you what it's all about. The pastor wears cargo pants on Sundays! No skirts here!
I'm so sorry for what you've been through, but am so thankful you got out of there and have the courage to help others.
God bless.

Anonymous said...

That made me sick just reading it. I couldn't imagine having to go thru it and put my kids thru it.

I am so sorry that you did. But I am so happy that you were strong enough to get your kids away from the monster. Thankfully you did before it got worse and someone got killed. Which does happen far too often.

Maybe you could volunteer at a shelter to show victims that it is possible. You are a survivor and a great Mom for realizing what you needed to do.


Lerin said...

I can relate on some levels... thank you for sharing your story. ((HUGS))

Barbara said...

I'm so glad you got out. And one year is a very SHORT time to put up with abuse. Many of us lived for years in abuse before finally getting free.

If anyone wants to be set free about on the divorce issue, I suggest you look at my website and my book. The book is called "Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery and Desertion". You can google it and easily find it.

best wishes to you and to all victim/survivors out there.