If you have read this post, then you know a bit about me, but because my blog was originally started to help me get through the pain in my life, tonight I need to do just that, plus a little word at the end for those who might think they are "stuck."
Who wants to look back at their life and say that they have been married and divorce twice? Shoot!! Nobody wants that. I'm sure there are people out there that have been married and divorced more then twice, but for me, once was one to many. However, everyone wants to love and be loved. I wanted to (and still do) want to grow old with someone...enjoy grand babies together...and I just don't want to be alone.
So, I got married (again) in 2004. I lived in Colorado and he lived in Washington. We knew we were to get married so we tried to start meshing our lives together as much as possible...and the first step was for me to start attending a church much like the one he was. I grew up in a non-denominational church, and he (being saved later in life) was attending a fundamental independent Baptist church. He talked to his pastor and was given the name of a church (highly recommended) for me to attend here in Colorado until we were to live together in Washington.
I started to attend this small church, loved the people, loved the teaching, didn't so much like the dress code, but I dealt with it and went on. (they are very much a skirt church)
Second thing that needed to be done was the discipline of the children. I don't know why I didn't notice how controlling he was before we were married, because I was so aimed to please I must have side swiped it. He was very specific on how I was to discipline them and for what reasons and for what offenses. I really loved him and wanted our families to work so I just did what he told me.
Soon R (Ill call him R) came out to get me and my kids and we started our new life in Washington. We started attending his church (same denomination) and I was about to embark on the new life of a married Baptist wife.
Things started to really get worrisome for me right off the bat. It was one thing when I was disciplining my children, but he seemed so unreasonable. One morning before church, I went into my room to get something and I saw my little Matt with blood poring out of his nose onto his newly pressed dress shirt. I freaked out and asked R what was going on. He was just gallivanting around getting ready for church as my son was bleeding and crying on a chair in my room. R told me that Matt wasn't listening and so he popped him on the face and Matt turned his head and his nose got hit instead. I was SHOCKED that R had the audacity to hit my child on the face. Other punishments included being in time out...time out rules according to R meant standing in the corner with your nose touching the wall...on your tippy toes for about an hour...or longer if he so chose. He would put a chair right behind them and sit there the whole time watching them. When the time out was done, the child would collapse on the floor in a heap of pain from being on their toes for so long, and R would yell at them "Get up off the floor and stop being a cry baby."
The weirdness didn't stop there. He was really big on the children eating ALL of their food at meal time. I would beg him to let me get the children's plates ready because he would just put to much food on the plate for them and because they had to finish it all I wanted to put smaller portions for them. He refused, so my kids would sit down with these huge portions. Most of the time they would end up throwing up in the bathroom, and he would make them go clean up the sickness and stand there and bawl them out on how they shouldn't make themselves throw up. One time I had to stop him, he was going to make Matt eat his throw up because he was so mad at him for not finishing his dinner.
Like I said before we attended a Baptist church. He was always using the church and God as excuses for the things he did. When we married I had a HUGE collection of all my contemporary christian music that I had collected over the years. I loved my music and used it many times to have private moments with God. R didn't believe that my music was Godly. He said that all music had to be approved by him...and with that...all my movies and music were burned in a bonn fire that evening. I watched my things burn and go up in smoke. WHY? Because they were ungodly? The Bible says in Ephesians 5:19 (King James Version)"Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord." Nobody knows what the hymns were like or sounded like back then. God just wants us to sing to him with songs about him. I was so hurt by what he did.
It goes on and on...I cant even tell you the guilt I have for staying as long as I did with this man. The day I caught him with an erection while playing with my girls was the end of the line for me. (yes CPS was called on him) I know many people will ask why I stayed so long (one very long year)...and why I was willing to accept that behavior. I can only say that I feel I was brain washed or something. He was always telling me that I was to submit to him. "YOU MUST SUBMIT TO ME! YOU WILL DO WHAT I SAY!" For a long time I thought that the Baptist church was to blame for his behavior (they did a lot of teaching on submission), and I felt a bit of pressure to submit to my husband in order to be a good wife...but when I got to know the families I realized that this submission that R was forcing on me is not what the church was teaching about....it was R and his crazy need to control me and my children. Now I must say that the church(s) we attended are very very traditional in the way they do things, say things, and dress...BUT....this post is not to bash them or give them a bad name. I love the Baptist church, but to be honest, I don't think I can ever attend again. To many bad memories, to many memories inter meshed with the church, not because of the church, but because of R and what he did to us using the church as an excuse.
Why am I telling you this and what have I learned from this? I am NOT an advocate of divorce. I hate divorce, its destructive. What divorce does to children is devastating. The ones divorce hurts the most are the children. My children are victims of it all and I am not proud of it. I share my story for others to read. Maybe you are in a relationship that is abusive. My advice to you would be to seek help. Many Church's have free counseling. I know that your spouse might not go...BUT YOU GO ALONE!! Don't wait for your spouse to go...get help...seek Godly counsel...but don't live it alone. I wish I had the courage to get help sooner. I can only offer help to others that might be to scared to seek it on their own. Email me(my address is in my blog profile, and public to everyone)I will help point you in the right direction.
Remember God loves you, he knows what you are going through, he only wants you to seek him. Also remember that God works through other people so don't be afraid to reach out. You are loved, needed, cherished.