Wednesday, October 7, 2020

Lets have coffee together!!!!

Good morning!!! Its Wednesday morning here in sunny Arizona. The weather has still been consistently in the 90's (makes me so sad). This week could possibly be the week that we actually get to feel Fall. 
So....I thought Id sit down and drink some coffee and write. 

I have struggled so much to make this little wonky town my own. Next month will mark my one year anniversary of moving here. ONE WHOLE YEAR!! I can equiviqually say that it has been (probably) one of the hardest years of my life. My downward spiral into depression from getting a divorce, watching my grandma die, and not being able to find my place socially and personally in this town has taken a toll on me in many ways. FORTUNATELY...I have a very strong will, and I refuse to live a MEDIOCRE life, and I REFUSE to stay in a space of sadness and weight gain and feeling unfulfilled. September was a very pivotal month for me. I decided to start dating again and try to create the life I want here even though I don't like this town. 
The secret to my success will come from within me. My strength will come from God and the incredible person that I know that I am. Moving forward means moving through fear. I struggle a lot with fear. Anxiety has also been an unfortunate constant for me the past year. I struggle with it in the evenings when the world gets quiet and Im alone and it causes debilitating panic attacks.   What I have learned is that fear causes my anxiety. Will I be alone forever? Does the guy Im dating really like me? Why can't I loose weight? And the questions that cause my fear go on and on and on. My goals for the next few months are to figure out how to move past my fear so that I can rid myself of the anxiety. Anxiety is a horrible thing. It hurts....its painful...and its scary. I believe fear and anxiety are the underlying culprits of addiction. I would smoke and drink so that I didnt FEEL my anxiety. If I could drink and make myself have a bit of a "buzz" then I didnt feel the pain inside of myself. Of course smoking and drinking were just making everything worse but In the moment of feeling so horrible inside it would make me numb to what I was scared to confront. 
These things are not easy to talk about. I really feel like a low life when I am over eating or smoking or drinking. I feel like I should be better than all of that and have already learned to deal with my emotions properly....but I just haven't. I don't know why. I know what I need to do but doing it is just so painful. Feeling the feelings of life are not easier. It feels easier to be drunk and carefree...but that is just smoke and mirrors. 
So my goal is to be able to deal with life and all it has to offer without any addictions. I know I will never be perfect but I want to obtain the skills that will allow me to take myself to a peaceful place when anxiety and fear hit that is healthy not destructive. I want to experience what it feels like to live this life to the fullest. Sometimes I wonder why we are here? Why is it so hard? Why do I have to struggle so much? Is there a place in this world for me that is steady....without addiction...without anxiety. Fear will always be there but I want to learn to feel fear and not have it spin me into a place of destruction. 
So I tell myself all the time now....when I feel panic coming on....."your ok...your ok...your ok." I tell myself "you don't need that to make you feel better...your ok...your ok." I talk to myself almost like I would talk to my kids when they were younger. This isn't easy. I turn 45 this month. 45!!!!!! Its the middle of my life now.....maybe even past the middle a little bit. I want to live the next 30-40 years different then the first half of my life. Im scared....I don't know how to navigate it....and there is nobody here helping me do it. Its just me and I want to figure it out. 

Here I am now. 

I went to Laughlin this weekend and someone snapped this picture of me. I was embarrassed to see myself. I weigh in at 225 pounds. Pictures can be very revealing. You don't REALLY see yourself. You tell yourself "its not that bad" as you continue to eat the pizza. You say "Ill start tomorrow." The lies we tell ourselves are just keeping us stagnant. Ill use this picture of myself for motivation. I will remember where I came from. 

And I will remember that I am beautiful just the way I am. 

This is me at my new job this week. I was able to finally get out of retail!!! WHOOP WHOOP!!! Its taken me a year to find a job like this. 

And in conclusion....I will remember what I have accomplished in the past. This was a couple years back. I got my weight down to the 180's and I was able to participate in and finish a "tough mudder" race!! Never in my wildest dreams would I think I would accomplish something like this. Its not to late for me. I may be 40+ pounds away from this picture but I can get there again. I CAN DO THIS!!! Life is worth living...even when you can't find a single solid reason to live or even care about this life  (I have been there this year)....there is a reason for it. You have to search for it and fight for it. 

Thanks for having coffee with me...Ill be back soon. xoxo