Monday, January 24, 2011

Skype and Ty!!

I got to talk to Tyrus on Skype this weekend. It was so precious to see him moving and talking at the same time. Every time I get a picture or a new hand tracing in the mail, I look at the pictures a hundred times, and I trace his sweet little hand with my finger, and I cherish them...but somehow seeing him in real life is priceless to me. I'm loving Skype!!! Thanks Rebekah!

Things seem to be almost normal around here...if you can call my life normal (which I wouldn't). I guess what I mean is we are falling into a routine. I still feel like my head is swimming with all the changes in my life but I'm dealing with it and the fog is lifting.

Most of the time everyone is very supportive around here. The comments I get are uplifting and very encouraging. Thank you everyone!! I don't post all the comments. I get a few really negative ones that I know were just meant to take hits at my person...and I figure that nobody else needs to read them. So to those who are mean to me through their words...thank you for being honest. I do take your words with a grain of salt though. Until you have lived in my shoes, I suggest you do not judge my life choices.

Good or bad, I welcome all the comments. I'm trying to be true to myself, honest with myself, real with myself...and sometimes it can look really ugly when you really look at your own heart. Its filled with nasty ugly things that you would rather hide. I'm so grateful that God is bigger then my sin and all my ugliness. I'm so glad that HE lives inside me and that what people can see is the joy that floods out of me that only comes from God. I'm truly nothing without HIM! The more the years go by that scripture that says "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" comes to a BLARING reality for me. I struggle with guilt for the things I do wrong, and then I remember the scriptures and the promises they offer me and I am held at peace that I am still loved despite my sinful nature.

I'm still growing and maturing. When you are little you think "If only I was a grown up" and then you become a "grown up" and you realize that your really not yet grown on the inside. Life is sure a process of learning and living and falling down and getting up....and growing old and wise. I'm not afraid to get long as I'm wise to go with the old. I don't want to grow old alone though so I sure hope I can find a HOT guy to get old with. LOL Yeah Yeah!!!! I know!!! I'm a fruit cake...but I'm just keeping it real.

Later gator!!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The dark ages!

Are you all telling me that American Idol was on this week? Are you really saying that I didn't see one advertisement, read one ad about try outs, or see one preview of one of my favorite shows? SERIOUSLY!?!?!

What the heck is going on that I haven't watched TV in weeks and weeks? LOL It cracks me up. I seriously need to watch more TV. OK please tell me this was the first week and I haven't missed to much!!!!

Ive been working, spending time with my boys, and Zumba(ing) my way to skinny, and haven't stopped to sit down much less hear about AI.

Fill me in ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, January 10, 2011

The ugly!!

My life looks pretty ugly right now. I'm trying to make the best of it but its pretty difficult. Normally on my blog I'm pretty upbeat, but not tonight. The ugly of it all is that my family is not together anymore. I can hardly blog about it, and as you can see I have avoided this blog for several weeks. Is it OK to just tell it how it is? Ugly!! Sad!! Hopeless feeling!! It better be OK because Ive decided to share.

My girls have moved to another state with their dads side of the family. I let them go. There were no custody battles...or fact I retain full custody, but the truth is that paperwork and words like "custody" and "parenting time" don't matter in a child's life, what really matters is what the kids need and there shouldn't be fights. I am blessed to still be part of my ex-husbands family. We consider ourselves family even though we don't have marriage paperwork between us...but we do have children between us and so we both take it very seriously. The facts are that my girls needed to be with or near their dad.

How do you go from having four two? I try to keep myself busy and occupied all the time so I don't feel the pain of missing my girls...but the pain will not go away. I'm missing two pieces of my heart. Its the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. Keeping myself busy only delays the pain.

Having only two children in my home is quite a different dynamic. My only comfort is that I am able to pour so much more into the boys. I felt constant conflict in myself with the four kids because I was always beating myself up at night asking myself "did I talk to them all enough? did I hug them enough? did I meet all their needs?" It was torture always feeling like a failure because I couldn't keep up.

Ugly is most certainly how my oldest daughter feels about me. Tonight I was joking with her about how she was just like me because the way she was talking just reminded me of myself and she got really really upset. She said she was NOT like me because she would never have given her baby up for adoption....HER BROTHER!!! That's the UGLY part of adoption for me. Thank goodness the good outweighs the bad when it come to Tyrus...but the bad sure looks bad. (side note)I got to talk to Tyrus on the phone tonight. Be still my heart!!!! I love him so much, and he is growing up on us all. (insert sad face)

So in the midst of all the chaos in my life I have been purposeful in spending time with my sweet boys and starting new hobbies. Me and my oldest son have taken up guitar. We are teaching ourselves and I have learned my first song which happens to be "Country Roads" by John Denver....because it was easy. My finger tips have blisters on them from the guitar strings but I don't mind. Singing is my forte and music is my passion so the two go together for me very well. It also takes my mind off the ugly in my life.

Again I ask myself, as I did when I was contemplating adoption...."What kind of mom lets two of her kids leave home at twelve and fourteen?" Except with Ty it was "What kind of mom gives her baby up for adoption?" In my mind then, I felt like I would be a horrible mom for relinquishing him...until I did it, and then I understood the full picture. Now, I'm not sure that I see the blessing in my girls being gone fully, but every day I'm starting to understand.

Its so hard for me not to go back to my early years in my head and wonder what I could have done different so that my family was not ripped apart...but the funny thing about the cant go back and change it, you can only move forward and make it worth it.

That's all I have to say.