Saturday, August 31, 2013


Deep in thought this morning I was taken back at my place in life right now vs my life when Tyrus was born. Over four years ago I was faced with being a single mom of five. The choice I made to give Ty up for adoption was a sad relief. I say those words together because I knew I would face extreme sadness without my son but also relief that he would have such a better life. 
During the process of growing Ty in my belly I knew that someday I would remarry and I knew in my heart that I would mother more children even if it was only as a step-mom. I wondered, while I was still pregnant, if I would feel guilty becoming a mom to other children after giving up one. 
Today those thoughts I had way back then have become a reality. I am now a mother to seven. Do I feel guilty? Yes at times I feel extreme guilt and the sadness overwhelms me. I then have to center myself and remember that I'm in a different place now. I have to remember that God restores lives in very unique ways. God is good. 

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

New Life....still crazy busy!!

My sweet Tyrus and his parents came to visit me in February. I was so excited to see them and to show them my new family. We all had a great time visiting. We went to the zoo and had family over. The kids had a great time together and the adults visited and ate food. Tyrus seemed curious about me and would ask questions. One afternoon he came and sat on my lap and said "did I grow in here?" as he pointed to my belly. I said yes of course and then he got off and ran to play. His curiosity yet contentment about his own life is wonderful for me to see. Its exactly what I envisioned for him before he was even born.

Blogging for me has been a source of stress. I think I have a little bit of post traumatic stress syndrome from all that has happened in my life. I am very happy with my life right now (never been happier) but when I think back I get very sad. I am sad that my girls had to leave...I'm sad that Skyler has not had a dad and all the things he is going through now (more about that later)...I'm sad that Tyrus and his family is so far away and I don't seem to be very good at keeping in touch (more about that later as well.) I'm sad about time lost and friends lost and family lost and about my body being ruined from so much weight gain and about so many different things. I don't spend my days in sadness, but its when I sit and think about the past that I get sad and remorseful.

I don't think I'm very good at keeping up with life outside of my home. I wish i was better at it but my life seems so so full of things that I need to do and get taken care of that I find everything else gets put to the wayside. I wish I was better about writing letters and making phone calls to loved ones. I suck at it. And because I suck at it I have guilt that I'm not keeping up with loved ones. I'm trying to be easy on myself because I know my load is big right now and I can only handle what is right in front of me. So if you leave a comment on my blog or you send an email and I don't answer please know that its not because I don't want too, its because I am a just trying to handle whats pertinent in my life but I do read all the messages and they mean so much to me. The support I have received on this blog and on facebook and from all my extended friends and family has many times kept me going.

My wonderful husband is still wonderful. Never in my life have I been loved and cherished so so much. For years I prayed for a man like him to come into my life. I am eternally blessed by the life God has created for me. My husband (we will call him T) lets me stay home so that I can take care of our children (oh how I love our children, all SEVEN of them)...but most importantly I am staying home so that we can get Skyler (my seven year old) figured out. He was always different and high maintenance. I never had the time to take him to the doctor and find a diagnoses for I do and we are getting answers. Its still quite a challenge. We have ruled out autism; however he does have ADHD, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Social communication disorder....and a sensory problem that limits what he will eat. I cant even explain to you how difficult it is to have a special needs child. The stress is more then I can bare sometimes. There are days that I just have to put him in his room because we are all so frustrated. Thankfully I finally have a good Christian doctor that has a little boy just like Skyler. We are now on a plan that seems hopeful. It will include a lot of medication (sounds horrible but we are desperate for some relief), lots of therapy, prayer, and counseling. If you are the praying type, please pray for our family. I can only imagine how frustrating it is for the other members of the family to deal with. T is very gracious and loving to Skyler but I know he too is anxious for a solution for our Skyler.

As most of you know, two and a half years ago I sent my two oldest daughters away. One went to live with their dad and one went to live with their grandparents. The reason for this was because I was overwhelmed with the issues my children were going through and I needed help. The girls were cutting themselves and running away amongst other things. It has been a subject of sadness for me over these past few years. The good news is my oldest daughter Chelsea worked really hard to get her life in order. She accomplished her Jr and Sr year at one time and graduated a year early. Me and my family drove out to Arizona to attend her graduation and surprisingly she asked if she could come back and visit us for a month or so. Of course we said yes....but in a change of events when we got back to Colorado Chelsea said she was ready to move home and she has remained since then. We have our Chelsea back and we are so so proud of her. She already has a car and within a day and a half of being back she obtained a job and has plans to go to college in the near future.

As I sit here typing this I can see that life really does come full circle. What was once lost has been found. Most importantly I think I am finding myself. For so many years I was searching and searching for this happiness...for this contentment but I was not able to find it in the places I was looking. All the while I was praying to God to bring my life together. I would say to HIM "God, how much can a person take? When is it my turn to enjoy some happiness? Are you there????" At times I didn't even feel His presence. I'm sure that we all feel like that. I can tell you that God is real. All you have to do is look at my train wreck of a life...and you can see God all through it. I have to remember that God doesn't promise that life will be easy, in fact He tells us that it is probably going to be pretty tough...but He does promise to walk through it with us....He promises to protect and feed us and most importantly He promises to LOVE us unconditionally. That's what really matters....LOVE!!!

Life is crazy still...but I think I operate well with crazy. I'm used to it!! (grin)


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Stay tuned....

So delighted to announce that sweet Ty and his momma and daddy will be coming to visit us in two short weeks I can't wait to blog about it!!!