One year ago...

I was reminded today by Rebekah (my babies momma) that today marks the one year anniversary of me finding and picking them to be the parents of my baby. She is so good with dates. I had not put two and two together. For her though...the 27th is a very special day as it marks much heartache, waiting, hoping, and praying for a baby. Now though...this date will forever be remembered as the day the "promise" of a baby came to her through my "call."

If you can get past the bad grammar and spelling mistakes and the obsessive need to type "them" all the time...you can read my post one year ago here.

Life has certainly changed since one year ago. Instead of worrying about how I was going to handle giving up a baby and how my kids were going to react, and how I was going to react...I am now watching this precious boy grow in happiness. Life couldn't get much better for him...he has all he needs, and although I am so blessed just to be in his life, what also makes it wonderful for me is seeing the joy of parenting for the first time through Ben and Rebekah's eyes.

The other day Rebekah sent me an envelope full of Christmas pictures and a new set of Ty's hand prints. I love those by the way. In the letter she said something that blew me away. She said "look at our little boy." It stopped me in my tracks. All this time I have been trying so hard not to take anything away from them. I wanted all the firsts to be theirs...the first night...the first time putting baby into the car seat...the first staying up all night and getting no sleep LOL. Mostly though, I just wanted to take a step back and let them take the lead and step straight into the roll of parenting without me getting in the way and here she is calling Ty "our" little boy. She isn't afraid, she knows her place in Ty's life...and she has enough love for me to involve me in such a way as to call him my son as well as hers. It literally brought me to tears on how loved I felt in that moment. I know my place. I will be called Rebekah by him and he will know who I am. But the words "Our boy" Wow! The irony of it all. Thanks Rebekah!

Did I shave my legs for this?

A song I used to listen to over and over again when I was younger has a line in it that says "did I shave my legs for this." It talks about how you prepare for things that are supposed to be special and it turns out to be not as big of a deal as it was hyped up to be. I can think of many things in my life that fit into this scenario.

Sometimes I look back and feel like life has just slipped away from me. I remember when I became pregnant at the age of nineteen. Unmarried...scared...unsure if what was happening to me was real. Feeling like I was just going through the motions.

Becoming a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me outside of being saved. When you first have a baby...its truly miraculous. You are responsible for this tiny helpless little bundle of cuteness. I fell into that role very easily...again...and again...and again. Having babies made me feel loved...wanted...needed. I know, its a horrible reason to have children, but looking back, its the truth about my reality. I had a horrible marriage and a low self esteem and my babies made me feel important...it truly was peaches and cream to me.

Now my reality has changed. I have four children, three of which are bigger now. They are still young, but its a heck of a lot different for me now that I cant just pick up their little bodies and put them into bed with a spanking and a sippy cup and a promise of another spanking if I catch them up again. Now I have so much more to worry about. It overwhelming.

Years ago I was 18 and worrying about if my hair looked OK because I was going to meet my boyfriend and we were going to go out and have fun. Getting pregnant was not on my mind...consequences did not come into play. What mattered most was what felt good at the time...and not just sex. I lived for the moment. I cant say for sure if my behavior was completely responsible for the position of my life right now. I try to make the best of it, but I can tell you for sure that the consequences of my past do cross my mind every day....and I find myself asking this question....

Did I shave my legs for this?

A song on my heart....

I keep listening to this song over and over again. Its such a prayer for me.

Quick thoughts...

All the things of this world don't really matter...it doesn't matter how much money you have or how many things you have. It all goes away in the end. What really matters is the condition of your heart. Storing up riches in heaven should be our goal. With that said...I don't need a lot of money...quite frankly I don't like the stuff; however, I do need it to live and it is constantly on my mind if I will have enough of it to do just that.....live.

Lots on my mind...no time to post.

Boy howdy...life is crazy. I have so many thoughts on my mind but simply no time to post this morning. So....Ill post a picture of myelf and say hello to all my online friends out there. I got a new hair cut....im still not sure if I like it or not. Ill post something more interesting soon, as I have a lot on my heart.

I also wanted to point out that I had no idea that I had so many comments waiting to be moderated for the last post. Please take a look at all the wonderful things people said. Sorry it took so long to moderate my comments.

A gift??

A gift? Did I give Ty as a gift? Did Rebekah send me all those Christmas gifts to be boastful and brag about her (as someone else put it) "perfect little life"?

Weird questions hugh? Let me put my thoughts to those questions. Why? Because it seems that there is so much judgment out there in the blog world that I just have to put my two cents in.....because its my blog and I need to get it off my chest.

Was Ty a gift to Rebekah and Ben? Honestly....no!! He was not a gift that I packaged up with a pretty little bow and gave as a present. He is a baby....a person....a sweet soul...but never a gift that I gave......but....that only describes my side of it. My relinquishment of Ty was something that I felt I had to do....but in the process of it all the word "gift" would come into play quite often. Discouragement was a constant before I found Rebekah and Ben. I really thought that I would never find acceptable parents for my baby. Every profile I looked at looked the same...said the same thing...nothing special...I almost gave up. When I found Rebekah and Ben through R's blog....I certainly felt that I had been given a gift....the gift of finding two people that I felt deserved the title and the job of being my sons parents. So no...I did not give Ty as a gift...but I received a gift in the form of Rebekah and Ben. In turn, my relinquishment of Ty to R and B (in their eyes) was a gift. And I just have to say this. If Rebekah and Ben want to refer to Ty as a gift...then so be it...because truly...to them...HE IS A GIFT FROM GOD, NOT FROM ME...FROM GOD and I agree with this 100 percent!!! Does that make sense?

There are so many people out there that are being judgmental and mean...and its all over stupid words. WHO THE HECK CARES if adoptive parents want to refer to their precious children as gifts? I'm the one who gave him up...I'm the one who decided not to parent. Certainly a certain level of respect should be had as far as birth mothers feelings. Everyone knows how fragile a birth mom can be even YEARS after her relinquishment...but goodness gracious do we have to be so petty over words like "gift." Gifts are good...and the Bible says "Every good and perfect gift is from above." That makes my heart happy. I could never take credit for Ty's life...I didn't create him or make him...yes I chose to bring him into this world but that's about it...and that's not much. All credit goes to God and if anyone reads Rebekah's blog...she ALWAYS gives credit to God...the giver of life...and the creator of Ty.

Sheesh!!!!!! I just get so mad when someone so beautiful inside and out gets battered and disrespected.

Did Rebekah send me all those gifts and then post them on her blog to brag and take all the credit?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!!!! Rebekah and Ben didn't buy a single gift for little Ty because they wanted to use all their resources for me and my kids. They don't owe me anything....not a phone call...email....or penny....yet they continue to bless me and my kids...and invite us into their lives with open arms. I could care less what other people think about Rebekah motives. Never ever ever ever did I think that she was ever boasting or bragging by posting it on her blog. She shares things with the blog world because she considers her readers friends. In fact....when another blog reader COMPLETELY TRASHES HER on their blog...she comments on it and apologizes for hurting any ones feelings. It leaves me to believe that what we are dealing with is another very hurt birth mother.

The bottom line is...I am not hung up on silly little things like words. I know my sweet Rebekah's heart. I know that what she and Ben did for us this Christmas was done with the utmost grace and love.

This was said by another birth mother and consequently the one who is trashing Rebekah..."Women like me often don't have a voice at all. It is difficult for anyone to know how women who have relinquished really feel because nobody really wants to hear any of that." This really frustrates me. Sure, maybe WAY back when adoptions were completely closed and birth mothers were ignored and pushed to the side...but times have changed. Never in my whole "birth mother" experience have I ever been pushed to the side or ignored. We live in such a different world now. No longer are us "birthmothers" tossed to the side as just the person who gave birth to a baby....people WANT to hear what we have to say...WE MOST CERTAINLY HAVE A VOICE...and for once people are actually listening to us. Unless you are a hermit crab in your house and have absolutly NO means of reaching out....there is help. Bithmothers are held in high regard these days...its because people are discovering the importance of keeping in contact with the birth mother for the child sake. Come on now.....am I making sense here?

I am not a great writer like Rebekah. She is a great swooner with her words. She can move a person to tears or laughter in a moment....she has a great gift of writing. Ill tell you now...when her book comes out...and it will some day...it will provide a great window to open adoption for many people. I will be first in line to buy one...or ten.

Good night!!!

Still so busy but......

My good friend did me a HUGE favor and took my Matthew for two days this week. Victoria and Matt have been fighting like cats a dogs (literally) and can not be left home alone all day...so S took him which takes a big load off my shoulders. I'm so grateful.

In the meantime....S also has a precious little girl who was born only three days before Ty. I love going to her house...not only because she is wonderful company but because I can get me some baby time in. Check out this little bundle of love...




It was a great visit...even though it was short. Chelsea was sitting across from me and I made sure to point out that baby girl was only three days older then Ty. Chelsea seemed very interested in that information and asked to hold her. I'm hoping that she warms up to the idea of spending time with Ty when he comes. We will see what happens.

In the meantime...I got my baby fix....it was so much fun!!! Isn't she cute???????