Six months ago I gave birth to a little boy who stole my heart. Ill be honest, I tried not to love him to much while he was inside me. I was afraid of getting hurt...I knew he wouldn't be mine for long. I told myself I was just a surrogate for Rebekah and Ben and that held my feelings at bay for a short time. Then....he was born....and the flood gates of love poured out of my heart. How could I not love something that came from me?
That is an interesting statement in itself..."How could I not love something that came from me?" Rebekah and I talk often, be it through email, text, or phone calls. I think its safe to say that we both enjoy our time together (although from a distance) equally. I love hearing about Ty and her joy in being a mom...and her surprise at the challenges it brings...but mostly I love hearing how full her heart is...and all because of the love of a little boy. My love for Ty is the same love Rebekah has for him. We share an incredible bond...me through biology...and her as his ever present mommy. I love how our adoption story has formed. I don't feel like a birth mom....it feels more like a family member calling to check up on another family member. Its natural...nice...warm...perfect.
Chelsea, my thirteen year old, said something the other day that floored me. I didn't know what to tell her except the truth. I had gone to the mall and found a Christmas ordainment for the kids Grandma. On it said "grandchildren." I thought it would be a perfect Christmas present for Grandma and Grandpa and so I had all the grand kids names inscribed on each little space...leaving one out in case the kids Auntie happened to get pregnant one day. I brought it home and showed the kids and it was then that Chelsea said "why isn't Tyrus' name on it?" My heart sank. I said "well honey, he isn't Grandma's grandson." She said "Yes he is mom, hes our blood to so he is her Grandson...adoption or not."
What do you say to a broken hearted little girl who lost her brother....who we don't really refer to as her brother anymore....just a missing piece of the puzzle in her life. It breaks my heart. I feel at peace with all that has happened...but my children still struggle. I don't know how to fix it...except to hope that with time...God will repair the wounds I have caused in my children's hearts.
Love is a funny thing. It can lift you up...or break you down. In our case...our love for Ty has done both....but I pray in time....my children will grow to understand the true meaning of love...and with that understanding they will see why Ty is not with us.
Christmas will be wonderful this year. Rebekah and Ben's family and friends have showered us with gifts. I started crying when I read a note her sister wrote me...it said "Thank you for allowing Rebekah the chance to be a mom, for me to be an auntie, and for my daughter N to be a cousin." WOW!! And all I have to say to that is....Thank you to everyone that loves Ty. I never have to worry about him...I never wonder if he is OK. He is wrapped in so much love and attention that he will never want. Some day, if he needs to talk to me...I will be here for him...but for now and for all the rest of his life...I know he will never need to walk far for loving arms to be wrapped around him. So thank YOU to everyone...especially Rebekah and Ben....for everything.
Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!
AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
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15 comments:
Oh wow Becky, that was a gorgeous post! I love it when you speak deep from the heart like that. You are a beautiful lady!
Much love
Cindie
What a beautiful post!
I have been keeping up with the "Rebekah's" stories. You are two great families, that is for sure. I think any mother can relate to the struggles in trying to make the right decisions. It's the hardest but most rewarding job in the world.
I just wanted to say: Ty will always be your son and always your other childrens' brother, and your mother's grandson. Tell your children it's okay to call Ty their brother. He IS there brother and no adoption will take that away from them. That is why the other Rebekah keeps in touch. She wants them to have that connection also. This ornament situation would be one time to bring all this up. If the kids think Ty's name should be on there, why NOT? Ty is being raised by the other Rebekah, and she is his mommy, but you guys will also, ALWAYS be his family. He has two families, even if one of them is not physically present.
A friend,
Emily
I a, speechless. I can't get what I really want to say out so I am not going to try. It will hurt too much. Merry Christmas.
have you thought of taking the kids to counseling for this? it sounds like they have been through many traumatic things in their lives that could really have a negative impact on them and their choices down the road....the last husband and his abuse, and now with the Ty situation. I bet they could really benefit from something like counseling? hope u dont take that the wrong way... i mean it in a loving helpful way and just thinking of your family and maybe giving the kids some closure.
I was thinking - maybe letting Chelsea read some of the letters would help. Does she know how often you and Rebekah talk? Maybe sharing some of that with her might help too/
We really didn't know what we were getting into with this whole adoption thing, did we? :)
I praise God that we have a wide-open relationship where such things can be discussed and prayed over, without fear of hurting each other's feelings.
I pray for Chelsea often, I know she is struggling. Unfortunately, she will probably never understand until she one day has kids of her own. Mommyhood has a tendency to make us reflect and appreciate all that our mom's sacrificed for us...
Until then, just keep loving on her, let her voice her opinions and struggles. One day she'll get it.
To us, 6 months seems like such a long time - when I look at how many changes have happened in our home - all the new things Ty is doing. But for Chelsea's sake, 6 months really isn't all that long to reconcile a brother that she doesn't live with...or one that she's never even met.
God is faithful. He's taking care of us. He's taking care of you. He'll take care of Chelsea too. Just keep bathing her in prayer.
I think you're daughter is right. Even though he doesn't reside in your home, he still resides in your heart as your son, and he is still your son. I think it would be easier for your kids to deal with if you let them think of him that way, the brother that just doesn't live with you. Then again, I have never gone through anything like your story, so what do I know!? Hope you guys have the merriest Christmas ever, and all the best in the new year.
I just have to say that I love your blog!! I am a birthmom too, but I am only 18 and my baby is 10 months old! I look up to you SO much! Whenever I'm having a hard day, I think of you and how you are not only dealing with this, but you are raising four other children as a single mom too. You are simply amazing and I admire your strength and positivity! And I TOTOALLY agree with you and the love we share with our birthsons. It is such a real true love that only us birthmoms understand I think; but I wouldn't change it for anything! Merry Christmas!! I think and pray for you often!!
Your kids have a very special mom!! Someday they will see the love in the choice you made for Ty. Just keep seeking God. His LOVE and Peace will see you all through this! Thanks for sharing your story. Its amazing:) Mollie (ohio)
God has written such an incredible story in your lives. I can't wait to see how He continues to shape all of your hearts. So inspiring!
Thank you everyone for such sweet comments. You all mean so much to me...and I am glad to share my life with you. Thanks for the support.
I agree with your anonymous commenter, maybe counseling wouldn't be such a bad idea, especially for Chelsea.
My heart goes out to her and I will say a prayer that her feelings get sorted out. I know she is young and when she is older, she will realize how much you loved them and Ty...you sacrified a lot for them all! God bless you!
I don't understand. If you are all such good friends then why can't Chelsea meet her brother?
That girl keep speaking the truth. Ty will always be your son. You will always be his mother. That's something that will never change. He will always be her brother. He is of course one of the grandchildren. I think it would help her deal with the trauma of losing her brother to acknowledge that he is indeed her brother.
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