Six months ago I gave birth to a little boy who stole my heart. Ill be honest, I tried not to love him to much while he was inside me. I was afraid of getting hurt...I knew he wouldn't be mine for long. I told myself I was just a surrogate for Rebekah and Ben and that held my feelings at bay for a short time. Then....he was born....and the flood gates of love poured out of my heart. How could I not love something that came from me?
That is an interesting statement in itself..."How could I not love something that came from me?" Rebekah and I talk often, be it through email, text, or phone calls. I think its safe to say that we both enjoy our time together (although from a distance) equally. I love hearing about Ty and her joy in being a mom...and her surprise at the challenges it brings...but mostly I love hearing how full her heart is...and all because of the love of a little boy. My love for Ty is the same love Rebekah has for him. We share an incredible bond...me through biology...and her as his ever present mommy. I love how our adoption story has formed. I don't feel like a birth mom....it feels more like a family member calling to check up on another family member. Its natural...nice...warm...perfect.
Chelsea, my thirteen year old, said something the other day that floored me. I didn't know what to tell her except the truth. I had gone to the mall and found a Christmas ordainment for the kids Grandma. On it said "grandchildren." I thought it would be a perfect Christmas present for Grandma and Grandpa and so I had all the grand kids names inscribed on each little space...leaving one out in case the kids Auntie happened to get pregnant one day. I brought it home and showed the kids and it was then that Chelsea said "why isn't Tyrus' name on it?" My heart sank. I said "well honey, he isn't Grandma's grandson." She said "Yes he is mom, hes our blood to so he is her Grandson...adoption or not."
What do you say to a broken hearted little girl who lost her brother....who we don't really refer to as her brother anymore....just a missing piece of the puzzle in her life. It breaks my heart. I feel at peace with all that has happened...but my children still struggle. I don't know how to fix it...except to hope that with time...God will repair the wounds I have caused in my children's hearts.
Love is a funny thing. It can lift you up...or break you down. In our case...our love for Ty has done both....but I pray in time....my children will grow to understand the true meaning of love...and with that understanding they will see why Ty is not with us.
Christmas will be wonderful this year. Rebekah and Ben's family and friends have showered us with gifts. I started crying when I read a note her sister wrote me...it said "Thank you for allowing Rebekah the chance to be a mom, for me to be an auntie, and for my daughter N to be a cousin." WOW!! And all I have to say to that is....Thank you to everyone that loves Ty. I never have to worry about him...I never wonder if he is OK. He is wrapped in so much love and attention that he will never want. Some day, if he needs to talk to me...I will be here for him...but for now and for all the rest of his life...I know he will never need to walk far for loving arms to be wrapped around him. So thank YOU to everyone...especially Rebekah and Ben....for everything.
Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!
AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!