Wednesday, April 7, 2010

One little boy...continued.

It was the day Ben and Rebekah were to arrive. I had so much to do. I wasn't sure if we would all be spending time at my house or the house they were staying at, but regardless of what we did I wanted the house clean.
Getting the kids to school was my main priority. I just needed a day of quite so I could prepare for what I was just about to go through as well as get the errands and cleaning done without interruption.

The morning came and went, Rebekah called me and said they had landed and we both agreed to meet up that evening before our planned outing to my church's Easter play to say hi and visit.

I started getting nervous a couple hours before it was time to meet them. The kids slowly made their way home from school so that was a good distraction for me. They kept asking "when is it time to go, when is it time to go?" It was obvious that they were very excited.

Finally, showers were had, hair and makeup was done and we were on the road. Once on the road I started to feel sick to my stomach and that little lump in my throat returned and I felt like I was on the verge of crying. I knew everything was going to be OK but the anticipation was killing me. I just wasn't sure what to expect.

Finally, we pull up to the little bungalow they were staying in. The kids jumped out and ran in as I could see Rebekah come to the door....holding the little boy I let go so many months ago. A smile swept across my face. I got Skyler out and we made our way in.

He was smaller then I had imagined. His little arms clung to his momma. I felt a little weak in the knees. He was so beautiful, and memories of when he was born and all the months before that swept across my mind. I leaned over and said hi to him as I brushed my hand across his sweet arm. A few seconds or minutes passed, I'm not sure how much time it was before I finally said to Rebekah "can I hold him?" Of course her response was "sure," as she willingly placed this precious boy into my arms.

He didn't cry or fuss. He was very quite but also very curious as to who all the people were. I noticed that my whole body was shaking. Just holding him in my arms again sent something through me. It was the sweetest moment. I just said hi to him. I wanted to drink in all his sweetness. His skin was so soft, his body tiny and light, his eyes deep and thoughtful, his hair.....crazy!!!

I didn't get to hold him long before one of the kids said "shes recording this!" LOL Its clear that I have an issue with my weight. So the thought of being on camera really made me nervous....but then, I decided that it didn't matter. I realized I was only there for one reason and that was for Ty and that I could focus on other issues later.

I didn't get to hold Tyrus for long. Victoria quickly swept in and asked if she could hold him. I think by that time he had already reached out for his momma. I had to keep remembering this weekend that the kids had never met Ty. This was their first visit with their baby brother. At one point during the weekend my mom leaned in and said to me "have you got to spend much time with Ty?" I told her that I had not had that much time with him because the kids were enjoying him so much, in fact you could safely say that they turned into baby hogs. LOL I had to steal my moments with him. My favorite times were when I was able to feed him which turned into a family event.
His momma stripped him down to his onsie and let him go at it with Chelsea's birthday cake. Not only was feeding him my favorite part, but clearly it was Ty's favorite part as well. Food is a BIG part of his life. LOL

Easter morning we all got gussied up and headed out to church only to find out that the church services were changed for Easter Sunday only to accommodate the three services. There was no way we were going to wait around for an hour so we decided to ditch church (horrible I know) and go to the park for a picture shoot and play time.

And play we did....







We decorated Easter eggs...

Skyler enjoyed it the most...


We celbrated Chelsea's 14th birthday and had birthday cake...

Tyrus enjoyed it the most...


It was an amazing weekend. We were all very sad to say goodbye, but it was time and they had to go home. The girls went upstairs and I could here them crying. It broke my heart. That is the hardest part right now...realizing how difficult it is for the kids.

Chelsea came to my room crying that night and said:
"Mom, I don't think I can see Tyrus again. Its to hard for me to say goodbye."



I said to her "Do you love him?" She didnt answer so I told her this,
"Chelsea, I think that you do love him because if you didnt you wouldnt be crying. Sometimes love hurts and thats the hardest part. But if we didnt love we would be missing out on so much. Ty will some day know how hard it was for you to say goodbye to him, but I also know how greatful he will be that you made the choice to meet him."

She cried a little more and then went to bed.

The next day came and I thought I was OK. Its funny how your heart and your head tell you different things. My head was telling me that everything was OK. Ty had a wonderful family. The world is just as it should be. But then my heart was on a completely different playing field. I couldn't quite pin point it until I broke down at work crying. I realized that despite all my logical thinking...my heart was still broken and sad...and I was OK with that. It felt good to actually feel something. I get so busy with the other kids and all the drama they stir up that to often I don't take the time to feel what I need to. Its easier to put all those scary sad feelings aside....but they are necessary.

I probably wont see Ty and his family for at least another year, maybe more. This weekend will linger in my head for weeks. It was amazing!! I wish I could have had all you wonderful readers in my pocket so that you could have been with me experiencing the miracle of it all. Who would have thought that one little boy could bring together such amazing people?

To Tyrus: Good bye my sweet precious little boy. I look forward to the time I see you again. Until then, I will be watching you, loving you, missing you!!!

17 comments:

Richele said...

you are so amazing!
thank you for sharing your innermost feelings with us.
praying for your heart ...

Jennifer said...

What amazing moms Ty has. Just amazing.

Thank you for sharing your story and so much of yourself in your blog, Rebekah.

Best and peace.

Leah said...

Such a beautiful post. It looks like it was a wonderful time.

LL said...

Hugs Rebekah. Thanks for sharing this weekend with us, and your feelings. Ty is a special little boy in a truly special family. Prayers for you my friend, and prayers for your children.

AnGèLe said...

Im crying! Just amazing ! You ARE amazing! Your children are amazing! Such a strong courageous woman you are !!! Bless you all!!

Rebekah said...

The kids WERE baby hogs :). It showed me, once again, just how selfless you are. You always put others above yourself and it didn't seem to bother you that your family had so much one-on-one time with Ty.

I love all the pictures (especially the last one). We enjoyed our time so much.

I wish I could take away all the ache your heart feels, but I know it's just part of the gig. It's the ugly side of adoption. The unnatural ripping of families. I know the girls were feeling it, too.

I am thankful for our time together, it will live on in our hearts for years to come. All the videos are treasures that Ty will be able to watch over and over again.

Thank you for making us feel so welcome and special. We miss you already :).

Meg and Ken said...

I can't really write because I'm crying! I'm glad you had an awesome visit.

Jen said...

Oh I'm crying... thank you for sharing, what beautiful pictures and words :)

Faith said...

Wow, I cannot even imagine the emotions. I am SO thankful to you for sharing your experience. Ty is gorgeous:).

mak'n Changes said...

Wow becky! Once again you amaze me,,,,,, Im glad the kids got to meet their brother.... Im glad chelsea decided to be there cause I know she wasnt wanting to for a while.....Im glad you got to see your baby again.... and Im glad this isnt the last time it will happen...... you amaze me!
cindie

Laura and Walter said...

Simply beautiful. God is so good. Thank you so much for being so open and sharing. Will be praying for you and your children.

Susanne said...

I can't thank you enough for sharing this with all of us. You have really touched me. I can tell from your words how much you love Tyrus. He will never doubt that.

Laurel said...

It's so amazing to be a part of your story and witness the miracle of it all...it's so apparent that God's hand is all over this. Thank you for sharing so candidly...your thoughts and feelings and the struggles that go along with missing Ty and the kids sorting out their feelings.

I'm praying for you and for your heart.

Wendy said...

I'm so glad that you had such a wonderful visit with them. It's great that you were able to share your side of the visit, too, with your readers. Thank you.

Char said...

As an adoptive mom (one very open adoption and one I wish was more open) I want you to know what a gift you are to Ty, Ben & Rebekah. Your love for Ty & your entire family is so evident. You are beautiful...inside and out!

Laurie said...

Rebekah,
I just couldn't wait to read about the visit on your blogs. I LOVED the videos on R's. The one of your sister was precious and it was very moving to have R write about the hard times too. So true to real life. It is not all sunshine and daisies! I cannot believe he will turn one in just a few more months. Seems like it was just yesterday when I would read your words while Ty was still with you and you anxiously awaited R and B's arrival and the birth. How time flies by!

Mountain Girl said...

Wow, what a moving story. I read Rebekah's account - she is an excellent, reflective and honest writer! And so are you! I haven't walked in either of your shoes except the infertile part. Your whole story, Tyrus' story is truly a miracle even though there are some parts that hurt. I thank you for sharing this story, your story. By the way, I live up the mountain from you! Love the pictures of PP.