New Life....still crazy busy!!

My sweet Tyrus and his parents came to visit me in February. I was so excited to see them and to show them my new family. We all had a great time visiting. We went to the zoo and had family over. The kids had a great time together and the adults visited and ate food. Tyrus seemed curious about me and would ask questions. One afternoon he came and sat on my lap and said "did I grow in here?" as he pointed to my belly. I said yes of course and then he got off and ran to play. His curiosity yet contentment about his own life is wonderful for me to see. Its exactly what I envisioned for him before he was even born.

Blogging for me has been a source of stress. I think I have a little bit of post traumatic stress syndrome from all that has happened in my life. I am very happy with my life right now (never been happier) but when I think back I get very sad. I am sad that my girls had to leave...I'm sad that Skyler has not had a dad and all the things he is going through now (more about that later)...I'm sad that Tyrus and his family is so far away and I don't seem to be very good at keeping in touch (more about that later as well.) I'm sad about time lost and friends lost and family lost and about my body being ruined from so much weight gain and about so many different things. I don't spend my days in sadness, but its when I sit and think about the past that I get sad and remorseful.

I don't think I'm very good at keeping up with life outside of my home. I wish i was better at it but my life seems so so full of things that I need to do and get taken care of that I find everything else gets put to the wayside. I wish I was better about writing letters and making phone calls to loved ones. I suck at it. And because I suck at it I have guilt that I'm not keeping up with loved ones. I'm trying to be easy on myself because I know my load is big right now and I can only handle what is right in front of me. So if you leave a comment on my blog or you send an email and I don't answer please know that its not because I don't want too, its because I am a just trying to handle whats pertinent in my life but I do read all the messages and they mean so much to me. The support I have received on this blog and on facebook and from all my extended friends and family has many times kept me going.

My wonderful husband is still wonderful. Never in my life have I been loved and cherished so so much. For years I prayed for a man like him to come into my life. I am eternally blessed by the life God has created for me. My husband (we will call him T) lets me stay home so that I can take care of our children (oh how I love our children, all SEVEN of them)...but most importantly I am staying home so that we can get Skyler (my seven year old) figured out. He was always different and high maintenance. I never had the time to take him to the doctor and find a diagnoses for him....now I do and we are getting answers. Its still quite a challenge. We have ruled out autism; however he does have ADHD, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Social communication disorder....and a sensory problem that limits what he will eat. I cant even explain to you how difficult it is to have a special needs child. The stress is more then I can bare sometimes. There are days that I just have to put him in his room because we are all so frustrated. Thankfully I finally have a good Christian doctor that has a little boy just like Skyler. We are now on a plan that seems hopeful. It will include a lot of medication (sounds horrible but we are desperate for some relief), lots of therapy, prayer, and counseling. If you are the praying type, please pray for our family. I can only imagine how frustrating it is for the other members of the family to deal with. T is very gracious and loving to Skyler but I know he too is anxious for a solution for our Skyler.

As most of you know, two and a half years ago I sent my two oldest daughters away. One went to live with their dad and one went to live with their grandparents. The reason for this was because I was overwhelmed with the issues my children were going through and I needed help. The girls were cutting themselves and running away amongst other things. It has been a subject of sadness for me over these past few years. The good news is my oldest daughter Chelsea worked really hard to get her life in order. She accomplished her Jr and Sr year at one time and graduated a year early. Me and my family drove out to Arizona to attend her graduation and surprisingly she asked if she could come back and visit us for a month or so. Of course we said yes....but in a change of events when we got back to Colorado Chelsea said she was ready to move home and she has remained since then. We have our Chelsea back and we are so so proud of her. She already has a car and within a day and a half of being back she obtained a job and has plans to go to college in the near future.

As I sit here typing this I can see that life really does come full circle. What was once lost has been found. Most importantly I think I am finding myself. For so many years I was searching and searching for this happiness...for this contentment but I was not able to find it in the places I was looking. All the while I was praying to God to bring my life together. I would say to HIM "God, how much can a person take? When is it my turn to enjoy some happiness? Are you there????" At times I didn't even feel His presence. I'm sure that we all feel like that. I can tell you that God is real. All you have to do is look at my life...my train wreck of a life...and you can see God all through it. I have to remember that God doesn't promise that life will be easy, in fact He tells us that it is probably going to be pretty tough...but He does promise to walk through it with us....He promises to protect and feed us and most importantly He promises to LOVE us unconditionally. That's what really matters....LOVE!!!

Life is crazy still...but I think I operate well with crazy. I'm used to it!! (grin)

MY FAMILY!!

Stay tuned....

So delighted to announce that sweet Ty and his momma and daddy will be coming to visit us in two short weeks I can't wait to blog about it!!!

Tyrus...

Tyrus will be turning three in a few days. Its hard to believe that three years have passed since I handed him over to his parents. I can literally remember what he felt like rolling around in my tummy. The last month before he was born I could make out visible body parts from the outside of my stomach. I would sit and watch TV...look down...and watch Ty play. It was amazing. Ive only seen him a hand full of times in person over the past three years. I'm lucky though because I get the pleasure of being a part of his life from afar thanks to Rebekah. Her blog is my biggest port hole into his life. She blogs so honestly and doesn't forget to share his sweet face in pictures. I love it...I'm so blessed. Lots of people ask me how I feel when I see a picture of him or they ask how I feel knowing he is my baby. The answers are: When I see a picture of Tyrus...I see pieces of Skyler and Matthew in him. Ty's eyes are always so bright and they scream happiness and that makes me feel so good. I'm so proud of the sweet boy he has become. I can only take credit for giving him a good start in life, I give God credit for his life, and I give Rebekah and Ben credit for everything he is and will be. They are shaping him (with Gods help) and teaching him everything he will need to know to get through life. Its just amazing....they are amazing. The second question is different...How do I feel knowing Ty is my baby. That's very simple...he was never JUST my baby. He belongs to all of us and that's how I feel about all my children. God put these kids on this earth for all of us to enjoy including moms, dads, uncles, aunts, grandmas, grandmas, and most certainly birth moms fall into that category. I don't feel like I have lost him....he is just far away. My life is still very busy. I feel like I am running all the time. I'm constantly trying to make time for my kids and my family, and somewhere in the mix I try to make time for myself. In fact I had a lot of time to myself three weeks ago when I had a hysterectomy. It seems that all five of my babies did a number on my uterus and it was tired. I decided since I wasn't going to be having anymore babies that I would listen to the doctors and have it removed. I'm glad I did but the recovery is slow going. I still have not regained my energy. IM anxious to be back to my old self. I'm not sure where my life is going. My main jobs right now are to go to work and put food on the table...and to be a good mom to my kids. Nothing more nothing less...and that's OK. Someday my children will be grown and they will want to move away. That's when I will get to sit back and watch them take their adventure through life. My child bearing days are officially over...and it feels good...very good.

The end of my fertility...

In three hours I will be going under the knife to have my uterus removed. I have lots of things going through my head right now. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. What a weird thought that I won't ever have babies again. I'll post more later.

Pictures...

The boys on a Hiking Trip.

My boyfriend went to LA for a business trip and wrote my name in the sand for me. So sweet!!

This one melts my heart. You all know who Ty is. Now he is a big brother. Can you see how happy he is? 

Yes, these are my dogs. No they are not possessed. LOL

My first flowers of the season. The sight of them makes me happy. 

Me and my sister. Isnt she beautiful? I love her!

My oldest daughter Chelsea. She sure is growing up. I couldnt find a good one of Victoria. It makes me sad that I dont have the girls near me. 

A really good place...

Life is pretty steady right now. I have a constant schedule that pretty much stays the same every week. Work is tiring but very rewarding and my weight loss....well, I'm still a "looser," but it is taking more time then I imagined to get to my goal weight. 125 down, 44 to go!

I'm looking forward to Summer. Even though I cant eat most of the food at BBQ's, its the smell of the grill and the company of good friends that gets me going.

I'm not a very calm person as far as my emotions go. Outwardly, if you were to know me in person, you couldn't imagine that to be true, but inwardly I'm a constant worrier. I worry mostly about my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been together nine months now. Ive spent the majority of those months driving myself crazy thinking that he was going to break up with me or cheat on me, or top loving me, or not want to marry me someday. Its a constant, persistent, and exhausting mind battle that I put myself through. It takes away my joy and it takes away from my life. My boyfriend is a wonderful man and he treats me very respectably. We have some issues, but I think its because we both have baggage from our past relationships and we also are single parents. Put those two things together and it makes any relationship challenging. My mind battles are certainly just that.....MINE. The boyfriend isn't causing them...its simply my insecurities.

I'm in a better place lately. Something in the last two weeks has changed me. I am very far from being the "inward" worrier...but I decided that if the boyfriend wants to be with me then he will. I also decided that if the boyfriend wants to cheat on me....then he will...and there truly isn't anything I can do about either one of those things. My whole life I have only been treated horribly by men, so In my silly mind Its hard to get used to actually being treated like I'm an equal...like I matter....like what I say counts. Its very hard to retrain a warped and damaged heart. But I'm trying.....

So sad

Im so sad to hear that Mcmama's husband has left her. What in the world is going on???? This will be on my mind all day today. Being a single mom is not easy....