Gone

are the days when she was a curly haired half pint.

Now her hair is purposely straightened, her makeup strategically placed, and her clothes carefully selected. Instead of playing with her barbies and baby dolls, now she focuses on her friends and her amazing gift of photography.

Many times I will hear her learning a new song on her piano or chatting with an old friend on her phone. She was the first grandchild born to both sides of our family. The day she was born she made me a mother and her daddy a father.

She is not boring, never dull, always engaged, very smart, and extremely beautiful.

Today was a special day for my first born. Her passage into her teen years was paved today when she........

got her braces on!



I think she is more adorable than ever!

Calgon...are you there?

Is there ever enough time for a mom?

"Mom, your not listening to me."

"Mom, I was trying to talk to you in the car but you acted like I wasn't there."

"Mom, mom MOM!!!!!"

CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!

Of course I was not ignoring my child. I happen to be driving and I can actually remember HEARING her talking but I just couldn't do what I was doing (a left turn plus I had a friend following me who got lost) and have a conversation with her.

Does anyone else do that? Do you suddenly start hearing "MOM, MOM, MOM, I'm talking to you mom. Can you hear me?" And then you look down and the child is right beside you trying to talk to you but you are so preoccupied with all the other children trying to talk to you that you have selective hearing? Do you find yourself saying "Now hold on, I can only talk to one person at a time?"

CALGON ARE YOU THERE?

Ive spoken about the "time" it takes to have older children before. Unless my children are different then other children. I don't know but my kids seem to always be around, always needing me, not really watching TV, never playing video games, always engaged, always needing me, always always always.

I don't really mind it....well that is except when one of the children tells me that I am lacking when it comes to my listening skills and they need more. FOR REAL? More? Can I give more?

I think about that a lot. I seem to constantly be running to someones rescue, or breaking up someones fight, or making peanut butter and honey sandwiches (because that's all the four year old will eat) or dealing with boyfriend issues with the older ones, or finding shoes.....OY VEY!

CALGON?

Unfortunately a good long Calgon scented bath wont help me in this situation...so instead I find myself crying....

Father.....Abba Father....Lord....are you there? I'm freaking out here!

I know I can not be everything for my kids. I used to be riddled with a lot of guilt when I would let them down. The past year I have decided that I can not live my life that way. Instead I will cry out to my Heavenly Father for wisdom, and when I cant seem to be enough or do enough for the kids I will depend on the Lord to fill in the gaps.

And in the meantime....and just for good measure.....me and Calgon will be right back. Time to relax.

Touched!

I am touched today by this video. I was reading sweet Jonah's blog and found it there. Maybe it will touch you.

Posting this for a friend today......

Footprints in the Sand


One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you."

Mary Stevenson

Feature

Really quick I wanted to tell you that I was featured here.....
So cool!!!!! Check me out!!

My Rebekah!

This is the first thing I saw when I clicked on her profile. I was not looking for a friend...I was not looking for a blog buddy...but what I was looking for I found...in this ONE picture. Her name was Rebekah, his name was Ben. The smile on their faces spoke to me like a loud speaker at a concert. Pictures don't talk but surprisingly this one spoke to me. I learned a lot about them in the next few months. Mostly I talked to Rebekah because....well, you know....we're girls, and we talk a lot. (isn't she beautiful?)Like I said, I learned a lot about her over the next few months. We talked a lot, mostly over email. Here is one of Rebekah's very early emails to me. It was a time of getting to know each other and discovering how much we had in common, including our name which was spelled exactly the same (a very rare spelling):

"Okay, I just read your blog and LOVE your new picture. The ultrasound picture made me cry.... and I LOVE to quilt. Did you know that I made the quilt in the baby's room? (and the curtains) I never even crossed my mind to sell squares on eBay! Last year I bought one of those nice cutting tables with a pad, which makes it really easy to get straight cuts! I love the cutting process to, there's something about it that is so entirely relaxing.I'm glad we can share this love too.....:) Rebekah"

A few of the things I love about Rebekah are:

She is TONS of fun!

She looks good in LITERALLY everything...no really....take a look at these....

She has the biggest heart of anyone I know. Her love pours out to people she doesn't even know.

There are many many things I love about Rebekah but I think that the next few things are my favorite.

She loves her Ben with all her heart. (LOVE IT)

She is the one I chose to be the mother of my little boy!
Ive never regretted it for one day.
His smile tells me how much he loves her!

I found more that day when I saw her picture. I was looking for a father for my son and a mother to love him to pieces. I found that and more. She is my babies momma, my friend, my confidant. She understands me, and I love her.

Please take the time to celebrate her with me. Its her birthday. Click here to wish her a happy birthday!

Love you Rebekah!!

Love,
Rebekah

Tyrus!!!

I have so much I want to blog about but I just got some big news from Rebekah and I just couldn't pass up announcing it. I'm so so very proud to announce that Tyrus is WALKING!!

His momma just told me today. Her exact words were this "He puts his little arm in the air every time he takes a step - as if to say - "Look at me mom, I'm such a big boy!!" I couldn't be a prouder birth mommy...LOL. I don't get to see these things happen so I rely on all the fun pictures and videos that Rebekah sends me. These things make me very giddy. The other day she sent me another special package. Here is what the note inside said.

Here is what was inside along with two Cd's full of videos from the past year.

She is always doing stuff like that for me. She always includes me, remembers me, shows me she loves me.

Remember my bulletin board? I got to add Ty's 12 month hand prints to it. Look how much he has grown. The bottom is four months, the middle is six months and the top is twelve months. What a big boy!!! (I think I'm due for a new bulletin board. One of the kids scratched some of it off)

Speaking of the kids....they are home. Its always bitter sweet. Sweet because I missed them so much and they missed me. Bitter because they love their dad and step-mom very much and they are sad to leave them. I'm so thankful for the kids dad and stop-mom (she is now officially a member of the family since they got married. We love you D.) We have been through a lot and had our ups and downs (we still have hard times) but we are family.

So as I said...the kids are home. Believe it or not this was the big kids in 2001. Arnt they sweet!?!?!

Now, they have blue and purple and blond hair (is this really the style now?)

Wrestle like there is no tomorrow (this was just yesterday).

Pose for the camera every time they can all while talking on the phone or riding in the car, it doesn't matter (teenagers...sigh). I have to admit...she is beautiful...she must get her looks from me. LOL (yeah right)

And play outside incisively.

So what does that mean for me? Well for one...it means that since the kids came home and my mom so graciously gave us this wonderful drum set...I get to listen to the beginnings of a very popular band of which is yet unnamed. We will have Chelsea on the piano, Victoria on the flute, Matthew on the guitar and Skyler on the drums. Ahem...it will be wonderful!And secondly....laundry laundry laundry.Did I say laundry? (sigh) So the year begins.

Use me Lord!!! Im yours!!

The past few weeks has been pretty incredible. Ive realized that although I thought I was in a place God wanted me to be, I was wrong. It took me being fired from a job to realize that. Isn't it just so twisted and crazy how trials and heartache can bring forth such beauty in the most unlikely places? I cant even count the times I have questioned God....

"Lord why does my mom have Multiple Sclerosis?"
"Why God do I have to get divorced....again?"
"Father, why am I a single mom...this is so hard?"
"Why do I have have to give my son up for adoption God? I love him so much?"
"Why...why...why?"

The "why's" are endless.

The answers are not always so plain...right away. Sometimes it takes years to see an outcome, and sometimes the answers never come, and I question Him again.

Ive become quite fond of a mother at the day care center I work at. She is very young but because of her life circumstances, looks very old. She has three children, two are twins and one four year old. All three children are borderline autistic and it shows. She is a single mom and is struggling to keep it together. She is not a Christian but a self proclaimed Wiccan. The daycare center I work for is a Christian ministry. We do not push our beliefs on the children, but instead we only try to set a good example for them and show them His love through our actions. Our demographic is low income and the children that come to our center are all colors of the rainbow, we love that part by the way. Sometimes my boss (the director) will come to my desk and we will stare at the children walking past my desk and he will look at me and say "arnt the children beautiful? Look how colorful they are." They walk by with deep brown, creamy white, and soft tan skin. Beautiful! Its in those moments that I do not question God anymore.

Anyway, back to the lady that I have grown quite fond of. The other day she was having a particularly bad day. Her children were crying and nothing seemed to settle them. I took the four year old on my lap and pulled out a shinny green plastic cross necklace out of the drawer. I looked at her and asked if she would like to have it. She nodded her head and proudly put it on. She walked over to her mom to show it off and I could see a bit of confusion in the mothers eyes. At the time I didn't know she was Wiccan. Instead of getting upset with me for giving her daughter a very Christian symboled necklace, she looked at her daughter and she said this:

"Sweetheart, do you know what that cross means? It means that somebody loves you."

Boy, that statement couldn't be more true.

I'm glad to be in the place I am at. I see beauty in every day. My job is the perfect place for that.

Today I received an email from a gal who is pregnant with her fifth child and the father wants nothing to do with the it and is pushing her towards adoption.

My heart is heavy for her.

"Use me Lord...I'm yours!"

Weird random thoughts...

Why is it that I can do so well in my new job, that requires so much data entry...and do so poorly in the Orthodontics job that also required so much data entry (which is apparently why they fired me...due to my accuracy). My only explanation is that I was not at the job God wanted me to be at. I am very content right now.

After much research, could it be that gay people truly are gay? Is it possible that something genetically is wrong or different? That would explain some things, but still not make it right for me, but explainable. The word "Hermaphrodite" has been brought up many times in my discussions with friends lately. This would fall into the same sort of category as ADHD or ADD. For a long time I thought it was just a behavioral problem...but again, after much research, are there truly some lines crossed in children and adults heads that make them ADHD or ADD. I know I bring up these subjects a lot but they hit very close to home for me and I'm trying not to be close minded.

These subjects are defiantly up for discussion for me, NOT argument, but discussion.

Im a Wildfire!

Check out my new video on weight loss here.

Ill be updating on this blog probably tomorrow. Lots and lots to say!!