He is six years old today.
Most days I'm ok, but today the memories are getting the best of me. I have so much anger, and sadness, and regret....but then....I remember how great his life is right now and it settles my heart.
My mind takes me back to "birth day. " there was much excitement in the air. We had all come to love the family that would soon take the roll of mom and dad to my son. I had family and friends around me. I was showered with gifts, and I had a pretty darn good epidural going, so things didn't seem so bad. I thought "I can handle this." And guess what? I did handle it, but it was so dang hard.
After he was born we all held him and admired his beautiful features and his massive amount of hair. He had these dark eyes that were almost black in color. His hair stuck up in the air like it had hell in it. It was adorable.
The fun ended that day when the adoption agency's representative came in and said it was time for me to sign the papers. I had him in my arms when I signed away my parental rights. I couldn't keep myself calmed down. The tears flowed and flowed. And then, it was time to leave. I watched as his new mom and dad carefully placed him in their car seat and buckled him in for the first time. I remember being so happy that they were experiencing parenthood and all the fun "firsts."
We all were escorted out of the hospital at the same exit, and into the same parking lot. There was just one difference...try were going home with a baby, and I was not...and it was all by choice. I felt sick to my stomach and thought I might loose it in the parking lot, but I held it together for the drive home.
That was six years ago and the memories are so vivid. The pain is stil so real, but there are a few things that have changed. I'm not the same person as I was six years ago. I think I have gained so much within myself. I have been able to deal with the circumstances that made me a birthmom, and I'm ok with it. I made the best decision I could for my son. He has a good life and we have a wonderful open relationship. Hard times defiantly shape us and make us grow. I'm in a good place now, but I will never forget the pain of the past because it makes me who I am today.
It's no secret that I am constantly looking for more ways to be healthy. One of those ways was trying to find a nail polish solution that worked for me. With regular store bought nail polishes my nails seem to crack and just flake. It's horrible. I tried jamberry nails, and I like them, but they are really hard to apply. I can only assume that the bad chemicals in nail polishes are the culprit for me. My girlfriend who I met in Zumba class actually makes non toxic polishes that do not contain any of these chemicals commonly found in store bought polishes (Tolyene-helps suspend the color and form a smooth finish across the nail. It also affects the central nervous system and can cause headaches dizziness and fatigue. It is also possibly linked to reproductive and developmental toxins. Impairs breathing, causes nausea, causes developmental damage to the fetus, and is linked to malignant lymphoma. Formaldehyde-found in some nail products such as nail hardener and is also known as the human carcinogen. It's used to embalm dead bodies. Camphor-exposure to this toxin can cause irritation, nausea, dizziness, and headaches. When ingested can be linked to seizures and in rare cases cause liver damage when applied to skin.) 😧 I do not want those things on my nails. Amy's polishes are mood changing polishes and change color from hot to cold. I LOVE them. I can't wait to buy all the colors. This one is blue/purple. One thing (among many) that I love about her polishes is they dry so dang fast. 
