Six years old

He is six years old today. 

Most days I'm ok, but today the memories are getting the best of me. I have so much anger, and sadness, and regret....but then....I remember how great his life is right now and it settles my heart. 

My mind takes me back to "birth day. " there was much excitement in the air. We had all come to love the family that would soon take the roll of mom and dad to my son. I had family and friends around me. I was showered with gifts, and I had a pretty darn good epidural going, so things didn't seem so bad. I thought "I can handle this." And guess what? I did handle it, but it was so dang hard. 

After he was born we all held him and admired his beautiful features and his massive amount of hair. He had these dark eyes that were almost black in color. His hair stuck up in the air like it had hell in it. It was adorable. 

The fun ended that day when the adoption agency's representative came in and said it was time for me to sign the papers. I had him in my arms when I signed away my parental rights. I couldn't keep myself calmed down. The tears flowed and flowed. And then, it was time to leave. I watched as his new mom and dad carefully placed him in their car seat and buckled him in for the first time. I remember being so happy that they were experiencing parenthood and all the fun "firsts." 

We all were escorted out of the hospital at the same exit, and into the same parking lot. There was just one difference...try were going home with a baby, and I was not...and it was all by choice.  I felt sick to my stomach and thought I might loose it in the parking lot, but I held it together for the drive home.

That was six years ago and the memories are so vivid. The pain is stil so real, but there are a few things that have changed. I'm not the same person as I was six years ago. I think I have gained so much within myself. I have been able to deal with the circumstances that made me a birthmom, and I'm ok with it. I made the best decision I could for my son. He has a good life and we have a wonderful open relationship. Hard times defiantly shape us and make us grow.  I'm in a good place now, but I will never forget the pain of the past because it makes me who I am today.