Wednesday, September 2, 2020

The Next Chapter....

 Ten months ago I came to this little town to take care of my grandma. If Im being totally honest here, I also came to make a new start and escape a marriage I desperately wanted out of. My grandma needed me, my family needed me and I needed all of them. It seemed like a good idea and in hindsight I suppose it was. I didnt understand all the lessons I was to learn from that decision but I did get some very good quality time with my grandma (who we actually have affectionately called Nana).

A little over a week ago my Nana died. I did not expect to be the one sitting by her bed alone when she took her final breaths but I was. I have never seen someone die. The night I went to her side after working all day I knew the time was near but I think I was ill prepared. I am thankful my mom was there not far across the room when it happened. After we were sure she was gone I remember looking around the room wondering if she was still in it. Maybe she was looking at us. We were singing to her "when we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be!" It was a beautiful moment. If she was looking at us from above her body Im sure she was just as curious as I was about death and what happens right after. I didnt feel any weird sensations when she passed. It wasn't dramatic....just peaceful. She looked like she was sleeping. We got to still be with her for two hours before they took her away. By that time the other members of the family were there. My mom and her siblings couldn't handle being in the room when they wheeled her out of the house. Me and my cousin Ashley watched for them. They were very considerate of us and my Nanas body as they carefully bundled her up and told us to say our goodbyes. We knew it was the last time we would see her. There would be no open casket upon her own wishes. 

So my last living grandma is gone. She was in my life pretty frequently for all 44.5 years of my life. When I was younger I used to sometimes let my mind wonder about what it would be like when she passed. The thought of her being gone would make me so depressed that I would dismiss the thoughts immediately, and now...its happened.

I helped carry her to her final resting place. I didnt even know that was an option for me to do until they asked. I felt honored. I knew she wasn't there anymore but it felt right to be part of putting her body to rest. Her body that held my hand and hugged my shoulders too many times to count. She was so many things to me that I couldn't possibly go into them without writing a book. I am so glad I was able to spend so much time with her before she left to live in Heaven. Its bitter sweet. She knew she was dying. She had dementia and she would sometimes ask "am I dying? or am I ok?" We would always tell her that she was ok and she didnt need to be scared. 

I guess this is what it feels like to have no grandparents. Ive never had this feeling before. Nana was always there. Just a phone call away. Even when I deemed myself a "not so good granddaughter" and neglected to call or write for a while it didnt matter. She always loved me. She learned to love people unconditionally because she had such a hard childhood and I know she never wanted anyone to feel the way she did. 

Im not sure what to do next really. My weeks have previously been filled with working, single parenting, being a grandma, and carving out any time I possibly could to go care for my Nana. Now that piece is gone I guess a new chapter needs to be started.  

If we could only get through covid!!!! Ill have to address that in my next blog. My son was just texted for covid. Sigh!!!

Here is my Nana and I being silly just a few weeks before she died. I told her to "stick out her tongue" and she did and then said "your silly!" Sadly a couple weeks after this picture she had a stroke in the middle of the night and was never the same. 

This is me and some of my family members taking her to her final resting place. I am the one with black pants on and a flower shirt. The stress of the last ten months really shows in my weight gain. Im not mad about it, thats life. New starts can be amazing and I have recently been working really hard on some new goals. Isn't her casket beautiful? It had these velvet feeling flowers all over it. She was buried right beside my Pappy who died last year. 
Here we are today. This is me and Skyler (my 14 year old son) on our way to get him tested for Covid. Ill touch on that later. 
In the meantime, squeeze your loved ones. You don't realize how fast the years go. Take care my friends!!

No comments: