Skype and Ty!!

I got to talk to Tyrus on Skype this weekend. It was so precious to see him moving and talking at the same time. Every time I get a picture or a new hand tracing in the mail, I look at the pictures a hundred times, and I trace his sweet little hand with my finger, and I cherish them...but somehow seeing him in real life is priceless to me. I'm loving Skype!!! Thanks Rebekah!

Things seem to be almost normal around here...if you can call my life normal (which I wouldn't). I guess what I mean is we are falling into a routine. I still feel like my head is swimming with all the changes in my life but I'm dealing with it and the fog is lifting.

Most of the time everyone is very supportive around here. The comments I get are uplifting and very encouraging. Thank you everyone!! I don't post all the comments. I get a few really negative ones that I know were just meant to take hits at my person...and I figure that nobody else needs to read them. So to those who are mean to me through their words...thank you for being honest. I do take your words with a grain of salt though. Until you have lived in my shoes, I suggest you do not judge my life choices.

Good or bad, I welcome all the comments. I'm trying to be true to myself, honest with myself, real with myself...and sometimes it can look really ugly when you really look at your own heart. Its filled with nasty ugly things that you would rather hide. I'm so grateful that God is bigger then my sin and all my ugliness. I'm so glad that HE lives inside me and that what people can see is the joy that floods out of me that only comes from God. I'm truly nothing without HIM! The more the years go by that scripture that says "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" comes to a BLARING reality for me. I struggle with guilt for the things I do wrong, and then I remember the scriptures and the promises they offer me and I am held at peace that I am still loved despite my sinful nature.

I'm still growing and maturing. When you are little you think "If only I was a grown up" and then you become a "grown up" and you realize that your really not yet grown on the inside. Life is sure a process of learning and living and falling down and getting up....and growing old and wise. I'm not afraid to get old...as long as I'm wise to go with the old. I don't want to grow old alone though so I sure hope I can find a HOT guy to get old with. LOL Yeah Yeah!!!! I know!!! I'm a fruit cake...but I'm just keeping it real.

Later gator!!!

The dark ages!

Are you all telling me that American Idol was on this week? Are you really saying that I didn't see one advertisement, read one ad about try outs, or see one preview of one of my favorite shows? SERIOUSLY!?!?!

What the heck is going on that I haven't watched TV in weeks and weeks? LOL It cracks me up. I seriously need to watch more TV. OK please tell me this was the first week and I haven't missed to much!!!!

Ive been working, spending time with my boys, and Zumba(ing) my way to skinny, and haven't stopped to sit down much less hear about AI.

Fill me in ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!

The ugly!!

My life looks pretty ugly right now. I'm trying to make the best of it but its pretty difficult. Normally on my blog I'm pretty upbeat, but not tonight. The ugly of it all is that my family is not together anymore. I can hardly blog about it, and as you can see I have avoided this blog for several weeks. Is it OK to just tell it how it is? Ugly!! Sad!! Hopeless feeling!! It better be OK because Ive decided to share.

My girls have moved to another state with their dads side of the family. I let them go. There were no custody battles...or fights...in fact I retain full custody, but the truth is that paperwork and words like "custody" and "parenting time" don't matter in a child's life, what really matters is what the kids need and there shouldn't be fights. I am blessed to still be part of my ex-husbands family. We consider ourselves family even though we don't have marriage paperwork between us...but we do have children between us and so we both take it very seriously. The facts are that my girls needed to be with or near their dad.

How do you go from having four kids....to two? I try to keep myself busy and occupied all the time so I don't feel the pain of missing my girls...but the pain will not go away. I'm missing two pieces of my heart. Its the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. Keeping myself busy only delays the pain.

Having only two children in my home is quite a different dynamic. My only comfort is that I am able to pour so much more into the boys. I felt constant conflict in myself with the four kids because I was always beating myself up at night asking myself "did I talk to them all enough? did I hug them enough? did I meet all their needs?" It was torture always feeling like a failure because I couldn't keep up.

Ugly is most certainly how my oldest daughter feels about me. Tonight I was joking with her about how she was just like me because the way she was talking just reminded me of myself and she got really really upset. She said she was NOT like me because she would never have given her baby up for adoption....HER BROTHER!!! That's the UGLY part of adoption for me. Thank goodness the good outweighs the bad when it come to Tyrus...but the bad sure looks bad. (side note)I got to talk to Tyrus on the phone tonight. Be still my heart!!!! I love him so much, and he is growing up on us all. (insert sad face)

So in the midst of all the chaos in my life I have been purposeful in spending time with my sweet boys and starting new hobbies. Me and my oldest son have taken up guitar. We are teaching ourselves and I have learned my first song which happens to be "Country Roads" by John Denver....because it was easy. My finger tips have blisters on them from the guitar strings but I don't mind. Singing is my forte and music is my passion so the two go together for me very well. It also takes my mind off the ugly in my life.

Again I ask myself, as I did when I was contemplating adoption...."What kind of mom lets two of her kids leave home at twelve and fourteen?" Except with Ty it was "What kind of mom gives her baby up for adoption?" In my mind then, I felt like I would be a horrible mom for relinquishing him...until I did it, and then I understood the full picture. Now, I'm not sure that I see the blessing in my girls being gone fully, but every day I'm starting to understand.

Its so hard for me not to go back to my early years in my head and wonder what I could have done different so that my family was not ripped apart...but the funny thing about the past...you cant go back and change it, you can only move forward and make it worth it.

That's all I have to say.

Im so mad!!

A few weeks ago when my daughter ran away I was searching every place for her. All our neighborhood friends denied seeing her and promised to call if they did. I trusted that. Imagine my shock when I find out that she has been staying two doors down with a lady that promised she would call me if she saw me. When I look back, I remember speaking to this lady almost every day about my daughter. I remember telling her how much I missed her and just wanted her to come home.

People are so different these days. I remember when I was a little girl riding my bike through the streets of small town Grand Junction, Colorado. All the neighborhood kids were out playing in the creak...all the parents were on the look out for us...and the parents spoke to each other. I remember my mom finding out things that I did that she could not have possibly found out without the help of a neighbor friend. Our parents were networking...sharing information....watching out for us.

Its not like that now. I have had some very good girlfriends disown me for (what I could figure at the time) no apparent reason. Later I would find out that they caught my daughter doing something inappropriate and they assumed I was letting her do it so they decided that they didn't want to be my friend anymore. They didn't stop and talk to me...they didn't GRAB my daughter by the EAR and drag her home and tell me what she had been up to.....no....they just walk by her...give her a dirty look and not tell me. I'M THE PARENT! Why would someone think I would let my kids do those things?

The point is, the parents these days are not networking anymore. You better believe that if I see your kid out smoking or making out or doing inappropriate things...I'M GOING TO TELL YOU! Are we so busy in life now that we cant be concerned for anybody outside our little homes? Don't people know that what other peoples kids do affects our kids as well? It matters...it all matters!

Through a series of events I found out that one of the boys in my daughters school was dealing drugs. I didn't know this boys name, only his code name "Elmo." I started asking around so I could find out who "Elmo" was. I eventually did get his name...sat my happy butt on the computer and pulled up Facebook. Oh how I love facebook. Its the parents guide to who's who. I looked up this kids name and lo and behold he had listed his mom on his facebook. I pulled up everyone in my little town that had her name and started calling everyone of them (at midnight) to see who had a boy by this name. I did find her....and I did tell her. I felt it couldn't wait until morning....it directly affected my children....and it was imperative that she knew RIGHT away. She didn't say much to me. I could hear sorrow and worry in her voice. She said thank you, and I never heard from her again. At that point is was not my problem anymore.

This boy "Elmo" is a bright young man. He playes two instruments, and enjoys some sports. He has a bright bright future, but not while he is on drugs. He isn't my kid, but I care about him.

I'm so so sad how things have turned out the past few years. This is a dog eat dog world for sure. I remember when the kids were little I would say to myself "It will be so nice when they can wipe their own butts." If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't not have thought that. I would gladly go back to that stage if I could protect my kids a little longer from this harsh world. I grew up in the Christian school. I don't feel like I have the skills to defend all the mess the public schools dish out. I feel powerless, alone, sometimes hopeless. I lean on God to get me through. He is my strength, my strong tower.

My advice: Watch out for each other. If you see someone else's kid fall (drugs, sex, smoking, whatever it is), pick them up, drag them home, and TATTLE on them. I know not every parent cares. I see lots of kids just roaming the streets and neighborhoods without supervision...with a cigarette in hand. I know that we cant hold our kids hands forever, and I know things are beyond crazy right now with our youth, but don't pass them by...if you know them, help them, if you don't know them and its in your power to do something, do it!

I wish someone would have helped me! Hold me Jesus! Father hold our children in your arms...dont let go...dont let go!

A shout out!

I don't highlight peoples blogs very often, but this one is near and dear to my heart. If you could, please go give some love to my sweet friend Carrie. She and her husband are going through a season of hardship right now and she could use some love.

Her blog address is: http://www.reachingupforhope.blogspot.com/.

All the love you all have given me has sure helped. I'm hoping she can get the same love through her brand new blog.

Be back later!

Hello

Music has been a great distraction for me. I literally feel like Ive been walking around in a fog. Ill just sit at the computer and soak myself in good music. It makes me feel better and more sane. I am so thankful for all your wonderful comments. It does my heart good.

A few weekends ago me and the kids had a photo shoot. I wanted to use the pictures for Christmas presents. Little did I know that I would be sending my oldest to her grandparents house for a while. It made these pictures extra special. We had a great time that day climbing rocks and making funny faces at the camera. We are such a special and unique family. Sometimes I cant believe all this is happening to us. Is it real?

Here are some fun shots from our day!

Another storm....

Ive blogged about storms before. Ive been through some of the roughest storms that I could ever imagine going through. Ive hit rock bottom...Ive climbed mountains...Ive been through valleys. Isn't it amazing how Gods creation mirrors our lives and our trials? Even the ocean waves mimic the highs and the lows in life.

My daughter is gone. She doesn't want to come home. I will praise you in this storm. She said I'm not her mother anymore and she is living with a new mother. This women that she is staying with is a stranger to me. Ive never met her. She has allowed my daughter (a runaway) to stay in her home. She has not bothered to call me or to contact the police. All this women knows is what my daughter has told her. I will praise you in this storm.

I have been a single mom for eleven years now. Ive begged, borrowed and even been homeless in those eleven years. Ive cherished my motherhood and my (then three) but now four (save Tyrus which makes five) precious children. Ive fought to keep food on the table...worked odd jobs...gotten fired from jobs because of precious sick babies...and even gave one of my sweet babies up for adoption for the good of all of them. And now.....I might have to let another one go. I will praise you in this storm.

When do you waive the white flag? When do you say you have had enough? The answer is never. When you are a mom you never give up, you never say quit. I'm now facing a situation that overwhelms me. I was overwhelmed to began with. I work forty hours a week which leaves little time for dinner and homework. I know that my time with the kids is lacking...but I don't have anyone to pick up the slack. Its just me...me and my four babies. I know that is why my daughter doesn't want to live here. She needs more then I have been able to give her. I'm a good mom, but I'm not enough. My heart is broken....again, its hardly had time to heal from Tyrus. She wants to live with her grandma.

This is ripping my heart out. It is rocking me to my core. It wasnt supposed to be this way. GOD WHERE ARE YOU!!!??

And though my heart is torn...I will praise you in the storm.

She has been gone now for five nights. Please pray!!!!

"Oh God, have mercy on me. I cant take much more."