The countdown begins...

I have a HUGE announcement to make. Are you ready for it????? I am flying out to see Tyrus and his momma and daddy in about seven weeks. WHOOP WHOOP!!! I'm beyond excited. Normally they would come out here on there vacation but I have been wanting to go out there and now that Ty is older, he is is a bit more active, and it would be challenging for them to travel. Boy can I relate to that. When my kids were younger I would fly out to visit my parents and I truly thought the plane would never land. I got the the point where I would only fly on the red eyes (late at night) so that hopefully the kids would sleep through the four hour flight. (sigh)

This trip is extra special to me. I actually get to fly to Ty's home state by myself. I LOVE my kids but my five year old is a little high maintenance. Ive never been able to spend time with Ty and his family without my little ones running around. I don't feel like Ive ever really had a chance to enjoy Tyrus. I will only be there for three days but I plan on soaking up every minute of it. I CANT WAIT!!!

My girls are doing good. My oldest was just here in Colorado for a week. She didn't stay with me, she stayed with my mom. I thought she wouldn't want to see me but it turned out to be an amazing week of hugging and laughing and visiting. She didn't want to go back...but she did...and it was a horrible sad goodbye again. I hate her being away, but it is the best thing for now. My second oldest daughter is doing wonderful. Here daddy and step-mom are taking wonderful care of her. I talk to her about three times a week and she seems very happy.

Life has settled down over here. Having just the boys is different and has taken some adjustment. Life is certainly not perfect. I'm constantly having to tell Matthew that life does not have to rule him...but that he can rule his life. I tell him not to let the sad things he has gone through determine his moods or his path to happiness, but to instead look to God and to rise above his circumstances. He gets it....sometimes.

I am OK. I am dabbling into dating here and there. The dating world is not friendly. I'm constantly watching my back and wondering "whats the point," but I then remember that I deserve to be happy. Somehow someday, I will find a man who is trustworthy. I love the song by Michael Buble called "Haven't met you yet." You can listen to it below. One of the lyrics goes:

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid that I'll give so much more than I get
I just havent met you yet

So, I wait for love...although it seems Ive been waiting for true love all my life, kinda like the princes in "tangled." Although I dont like kid movies, I ended up enjoying this one very much. Love truly is a universal language and everyone is looking for it...so why is it so hard to find?

OVERDUE!!

I just posted on my weight loss blog. I am so overdue to post here. I will get around to it. In the meantime, there is an interview that I did with Rebekah here. But please when your done...wiggle your way back over here and see some better pictures of me. UGGGG!! I love that that picture is with Rebekah and Ty, but I sure looked awful!!! The GOOD news is, I'm planning a trip to go see Ty, Rebekah, and Ben in May. Details to follow!!!!!!!

MckMama without pitty?

Ive wanted to blog about this for a long time but haven't taken the time to do it. Ive been a follower of MckMama for a long time. I think her blog is a story of sorrow and healing and victory. I think she blogs the truth, loves the Lord with all her heart, and isn't afraid to show it. I have a lot of respect for her. Her children are precious and her photography is amazing. More on MckMama in a minute.

I am also a follower of MWOP which stands for "MckMama without pity." I am not actually a follower but I pop in here and there because it astounds me, but not in a good way. This blog was put together for one soul purpose...to destroy MckMama. Why do I even care about this you ask? Well, truly I don't really care that much about it but it is sad that these people put so much time and attention into destroying one person. Seriously? If you visit this blog its crazy to see how many comments are posted under each post. They number in the thousands. I cant imagine how much gossip and slander and lies these people are conversing about. Its destructive, a waste of time, and truly holds no purpose.

Mckmama started blogging before her little Stellan was born. Stellan was born with a heart condition and was not supposed to live....but he did. We all blog here in the blog world. Most of us blog about the trials in our lives or the tragedies that we are going through. Most of our blogs don't get much attention, we don't receive many comments, yet we still blog because its therapeutic. Jennifer's blog; however, did become popular and she did receive offers for adds that offered the chance to make money. What would you do if you had the chance to make money just for blogging? Would you do it? I sure as heck would. Bring me a chance to blog and make money, id take it any day. Its funny how jealousy can bring such hatred like I see on the blog MWOP. Jennifer is a great writer and now she makes money doing it, but she gets pounded into the ground for doing it as well. Cant we just sit back and enjoy her sweet family?

I'm not an eloquent writer like MckMama or my sweet Rebekah. I put my thoughts out there but they are usually jumbled around like a scrabble game. Its very refreshing to visit blogs that actually make sense, and are easy to read. I support MckMama. She is frail and week just like the rest of us. She is human and fails just like the rest of us. It only because of God living in us that we have even a semblance of goodness in us. Why do we need to gossip and tear down?

Early morning thoughts.

Ive never been one to like sleeping to much. I sleep because I have to but even in my sleep I long to get up and start a new day. No matter what the day, I always wake up at 5:00am. I love the mornings. I tip toe around the house trying not to wake the kids while I brew my coffee and enjoy the silence. Its my favorite part of the day.

Wednesday was officially one year since Tyrus was legally adopted. That day was such a happy day for everyone. We always knew that Ty was part of Ben and Rebekah's family the moment I decided on adoption, but this just put a little cherry on the Sunday (if you know what I mean). So we celebrate one year of our families coming together. The looks of happiness and tears of joy I see on Rebekah and Ben's faces are priceless to me. Every moment I see their faces reminds me of the choice I made and I don't regret it. You cant go back and change the past...I cant make the sadness always disappear, but I can soak in the joy that Ty always brings. I do get sad, but not for long...after all....there is still Skype. (wink)

I miss my girls desperately. If I think about it to much I cant stop from crying. I am really good at suppressing emotions. If I let my mind wonder to what has been lost then my heart sinks so far down into dispare that I have to look up and start talking to God to bring me back. Dispare is such a trap. You have to be so careful not to stay in that emotion to long or it will destroy you. I have to remember the reasons I let the girls go, they are happy, well taken care of, and I have not truly lost them...its just distance. I did have a really fun time making them Valentines packages. I don't have a boyfriend...but I do have four little valentines in my life. I'm so blessed!!!!

I'm moving...again (sigh). With the girls gone I don't need such a large place so I am downsizing. Pictures and bragging rights to come....because...Im finally getting my hard wood floors. I couldn't be more excited!!!

Well, before the little ones wake up, I'm going to go make some coffee!!

Skype and Ty!!

I got to talk to Tyrus on Skype this weekend. It was so precious to see him moving and talking at the same time. Every time I get a picture or a new hand tracing in the mail, I look at the pictures a hundred times, and I trace his sweet little hand with my finger, and I cherish them...but somehow seeing him in real life is priceless to me. I'm loving Skype!!! Thanks Rebekah!

Things seem to be almost normal around here...if you can call my life normal (which I wouldn't). I guess what I mean is we are falling into a routine. I still feel like my head is swimming with all the changes in my life but I'm dealing with it and the fog is lifting.

Most of the time everyone is very supportive around here. The comments I get are uplifting and very encouraging. Thank you everyone!! I don't post all the comments. I get a few really negative ones that I know were just meant to take hits at my person...and I figure that nobody else needs to read them. So to those who are mean to me through their words...thank you for being honest. I do take your words with a grain of salt though. Until you have lived in my shoes, I suggest you do not judge my life choices.

Good or bad, I welcome all the comments. I'm trying to be true to myself, honest with myself, real with myself...and sometimes it can look really ugly when you really look at your own heart. Its filled with nasty ugly things that you would rather hide. I'm so grateful that God is bigger then my sin and all my ugliness. I'm so glad that HE lives inside me and that what people can see is the joy that floods out of me that only comes from God. I'm truly nothing without HIM! The more the years go by that scripture that says "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" comes to a BLARING reality for me. I struggle with guilt for the things I do wrong, and then I remember the scriptures and the promises they offer me and I am held at peace that I am still loved despite my sinful nature.

I'm still growing and maturing. When you are little you think "If only I was a grown up" and then you become a "grown up" and you realize that your really not yet grown on the inside. Life is sure a process of learning and living and falling down and getting up....and growing old and wise. I'm not afraid to get old...as long as I'm wise to go with the old. I don't want to grow old alone though so I sure hope I can find a HOT guy to get old with. LOL Yeah Yeah!!!! I know!!! I'm a fruit cake...but I'm just keeping it real.

Later gator!!!

The dark ages!

Are you all telling me that American Idol was on this week? Are you really saying that I didn't see one advertisement, read one ad about try outs, or see one preview of one of my favorite shows? SERIOUSLY!?!?!

What the heck is going on that I haven't watched TV in weeks and weeks? LOL It cracks me up. I seriously need to watch more TV. OK please tell me this was the first week and I haven't missed to much!!!!

Ive been working, spending time with my boys, and Zumba(ing) my way to skinny, and haven't stopped to sit down much less hear about AI.

Fill me in ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!

The ugly!!

My life looks pretty ugly right now. I'm trying to make the best of it but its pretty difficult. Normally on my blog I'm pretty upbeat, but not tonight. The ugly of it all is that my family is not together anymore. I can hardly blog about it, and as you can see I have avoided this blog for several weeks. Is it OK to just tell it how it is? Ugly!! Sad!! Hopeless feeling!! It better be OK because Ive decided to share.

My girls have moved to another state with their dads side of the family. I let them go. There were no custody battles...or fights...in fact I retain full custody, but the truth is that paperwork and words like "custody" and "parenting time" don't matter in a child's life, what really matters is what the kids need and there shouldn't be fights. I am blessed to still be part of my ex-husbands family. We consider ourselves family even though we don't have marriage paperwork between us...but we do have children between us and so we both take it very seriously. The facts are that my girls needed to be with or near their dad.

How do you go from having four kids....to two? I try to keep myself busy and occupied all the time so I don't feel the pain of missing my girls...but the pain will not go away. I'm missing two pieces of my heart. Its the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. Keeping myself busy only delays the pain.

Having only two children in my home is quite a different dynamic. My only comfort is that I am able to pour so much more into the boys. I felt constant conflict in myself with the four kids because I was always beating myself up at night asking myself "did I talk to them all enough? did I hug them enough? did I meet all their needs?" It was torture always feeling like a failure because I couldn't keep up.

Ugly is most certainly how my oldest daughter feels about me. Tonight I was joking with her about how she was just like me because the way she was talking just reminded me of myself and she got really really upset. She said she was NOT like me because she would never have given her baby up for adoption....HER BROTHER!!! That's the UGLY part of adoption for me. Thank goodness the good outweighs the bad when it come to Tyrus...but the bad sure looks bad. (side note)I got to talk to Tyrus on the phone tonight. Be still my heart!!!! I love him so much, and he is growing up on us all. (insert sad face)

So in the midst of all the chaos in my life I have been purposeful in spending time with my sweet boys and starting new hobbies. Me and my oldest son have taken up guitar. We are teaching ourselves and I have learned my first song which happens to be "Country Roads" by John Denver....because it was easy. My finger tips have blisters on them from the guitar strings but I don't mind. Singing is my forte and music is my passion so the two go together for me very well. It also takes my mind off the ugly in my life.

Again I ask myself, as I did when I was contemplating adoption...."What kind of mom lets two of her kids leave home at twelve and fourteen?" Except with Ty it was "What kind of mom gives her baby up for adoption?" In my mind then, I felt like I would be a horrible mom for relinquishing him...until I did it, and then I understood the full picture. Now, I'm not sure that I see the blessing in my girls being gone fully, but every day I'm starting to understand.

Its so hard for me not to go back to my early years in my head and wonder what I could have done different so that my family was not ripped apart...but the funny thing about the past...you cant go back and change it, you can only move forward and make it worth it.

That's all I have to say.