Rose

Ok, point taken. Thanks!

Comes with the territory!

I remember when I was pregnant with Skyler and had just made the choice to leave his dad. At only three months pregnant with three other little ones tagging along I was scared to death. I couldn't believe that I was about to start from scratch yet again. It seems to be a pattern in my life...one that I don't like repeating.

When Skyler was born I had pretty much lost touch with his dad. I spoke to him one last time when Sky was about three weeks old. We had to talk about the divorce and taxes and things like that. The conversation was short and I could tell he was mad at me. He made it clear that I was in the wrong and that I should never have left him. The last thing he said to me was "I hope nothing bad happens to him. You made a bad choice and I just hope nothin bad happens to him." I had heard this man say things like this about other people that he was mad at. He on several occasions wished people bad luck or death or he would threaten to put nails in peoples tires. He would voice his ill wishes towards people and the anger that spilled off of his lips was enough to make me hurl. I had heard him talk like this a lot but I had never imagined that he would wish his own son ill will. His words towards our son ring in my ears often.

Skyler has never met his dad. I have sent pictures only to have them returned. I don't have his phone number or address. Skyler is fatherless, and has been since birth.

Life has been really hard for Skyler. His behavior at school shows it. Somehow between birthing him and raising him to five years old I have failed in some way. At least that is how I feel. He is five years and three months old. He can say his ABC's, count over twenty in English and count to about fifteen in Spanish. He knows left and right and can ride a bike without training wheels. These are just a few of the things about him I love...but mostly...he is so loving and constantly tells me "mom...I love you so much." But the problem is he wont sit in time out at school or be still in circle time or story time. He has a fit when they try to put him in time out and I cant figure out what is going on with my kid. Is it because he doesn't have a father? Is it because I have been so distracted with the girls and their issues or getting pregnant and the adoption or finding a job and loosing it just to start another one.....and maybe he fell through the cracks? What is it? What have I done wrong? What could I have done different?

Thoughts run through my head all day long. It makes me mad. I should have still been married and a stay at home mom and then my children would have received all the time and attention they deserved. My son shouldn't be in daycare being cared for by strangers that he cant relate to. I shouldn't be away from my five year old for eleven hours a day. Its not right...its not natural for me...yet...its life. I didn't plan for this. I feel responsible. I feel like I'm being punished for the wrong choices I made although I know in my heart that its really just consequences for bad choices made...but it still don't make it fare for my fatherless child.

I just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The future again seems uncertain. I work at a daycare center but because of Skyler's behavior they lovingly asked me to find another place for him to attend. In compliance and because I adore my job, I did as they asked. He starts at the new center on Friday. I have tomorrow off and I will be loving on my son and spending as much time as I can with him. Come Friday, he will start yet again a new adventure. Because he wont be coming to work with me anymore, his time at the center will be extended about forty minutes because of my travel time. That's eleven hours and forty minutes a day at a daycare center with strangers watching him. I'm so incredibly sad I cant stop crying.

I put on a pretty face and smile big though. Nobody needs a cry baby, and God knows that it isn't fun to deal with a sad person...so down it goes. Sometimes I get so lonely although I'm never alone with my two precious boys. Its such a huge responsibility to raise children with two parents let alone one. Again I lean on God. I lean on his promises that "He will be the father to the Fatherless." My son needs that. I know this season of our lives will pass and we will survive...but the surviving part is excruciating. Sometimes I feel I will break in two and that I'm only being held together by small strings. The joy of the Lord is my strength...the joy of the Lord is my strength. I need your strength Lord.

The countdown begins...

I have a HUGE announcement to make. Are you ready for it????? I am flying out to see Tyrus and his momma and daddy in about seven weeks. WHOOP WHOOP!!! I'm beyond excited. Normally they would come out here on there vacation but I have been wanting to go out there and now that Ty is older, he is is a bit more active, and it would be challenging for them to travel. Boy can I relate to that. When my kids were younger I would fly out to visit my parents and I truly thought the plane would never land. I got the the point where I would only fly on the red eyes (late at night) so that hopefully the kids would sleep through the four hour flight. (sigh)

This trip is extra special to me. I actually get to fly to Ty's home state by myself. I LOVE my kids but my five year old is a little high maintenance. Ive never been able to spend time with Ty and his family without my little ones running around. I don't feel like Ive ever really had a chance to enjoy Tyrus. I will only be there for three days but I plan on soaking up every minute of it. I CANT WAIT!!!

My girls are doing good. My oldest was just here in Colorado for a week. She didn't stay with me, she stayed with my mom. I thought she wouldn't want to see me but it turned out to be an amazing week of hugging and laughing and visiting. She didn't want to go back...but she did...and it was a horrible sad goodbye again. I hate her being away, but it is the best thing for now. My second oldest daughter is doing wonderful. Here daddy and step-mom are taking wonderful care of her. I talk to her about three times a week and she seems very happy.

Life has settled down over here. Having just the boys is different and has taken some adjustment. Life is certainly not perfect. I'm constantly having to tell Matthew that life does not have to rule him...but that he can rule his life. I tell him not to let the sad things he has gone through determine his moods or his path to happiness, but to instead look to God and to rise above his circumstances. He gets it....sometimes.

I am OK. I am dabbling into dating here and there. The dating world is not friendly. I'm constantly watching my back and wondering "whats the point," but I then remember that I deserve to be happy. Somehow someday, I will find a man who is trustworthy. I love the song by Michael Buble called "Haven't met you yet." You can listen to it below. One of the lyrics goes:

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid that I'll give so much more than I get
I just havent met you yet

So, I wait for love...although it seems Ive been waiting for true love all my life, kinda like the princes in "tangled." Although I dont like kid movies, I ended up enjoying this one very much. Love truly is a universal language and everyone is looking for it...so why is it so hard to find?

OVERDUE!!

I just posted on my weight loss blog. I am so overdue to post here. I will get around to it. In the meantime, there is an interview that I did with Rebekah here. But please when your done...wiggle your way back over here and see some better pictures of me. UGGGG!! I love that that picture is with Rebekah and Ty, but I sure looked awful!!! The GOOD news is, I'm planning a trip to go see Ty, Rebekah, and Ben in May. Details to follow!!!!!!!

MckMama without pitty?

Ive wanted to blog about this for a long time but haven't taken the time to do it. Ive been a follower of MckMama for a long time. I think her blog is a story of sorrow and healing and victory. I think she blogs the truth, loves the Lord with all her heart, and isn't afraid to show it. I have a lot of respect for her. Her children are precious and her photography is amazing. More on MckMama in a minute.

I am also a follower of MWOP which stands for "MckMama without pity." I am not actually a follower but I pop in here and there because it astounds me, but not in a good way. This blog was put together for one soul purpose...to destroy MckMama. Why do I even care about this you ask? Well, truly I don't really care that much about it but it is sad that these people put so much time and attention into destroying one person. Seriously? If you visit this blog its crazy to see how many comments are posted under each post. They number in the thousands. I cant imagine how much gossip and slander and lies these people are conversing about. Its destructive, a waste of time, and truly holds no purpose.

Mckmama started blogging before her little Stellan was born. Stellan was born with a heart condition and was not supposed to live....but he did. We all blog here in the blog world. Most of us blog about the trials in our lives or the tragedies that we are going through. Most of our blogs don't get much attention, we don't receive many comments, yet we still blog because its therapeutic. Jennifer's blog; however, did become popular and she did receive offers for adds that offered the chance to make money. What would you do if you had the chance to make money just for blogging? Would you do it? I sure as heck would. Bring me a chance to blog and make money, id take it any day. Its funny how jealousy can bring such hatred like I see on the blog MWOP. Jennifer is a great writer and now she makes money doing it, but she gets pounded into the ground for doing it as well. Cant we just sit back and enjoy her sweet family?

I'm not an eloquent writer like MckMama or my sweet Rebekah. I put my thoughts out there but they are usually jumbled around like a scrabble game. Its very refreshing to visit blogs that actually make sense, and are easy to read. I support MckMama. She is frail and week just like the rest of us. She is human and fails just like the rest of us. It only because of God living in us that we have even a semblance of goodness in us. Why do we need to gossip and tear down?

Early morning thoughts.

Ive never been one to like sleeping to much. I sleep because I have to but even in my sleep I long to get up and start a new day. No matter what the day, I always wake up at 5:00am. I love the mornings. I tip toe around the house trying not to wake the kids while I brew my coffee and enjoy the silence. Its my favorite part of the day.

Wednesday was officially one year since Tyrus was legally adopted. That day was such a happy day for everyone. We always knew that Ty was part of Ben and Rebekah's family the moment I decided on adoption, but this just put a little cherry on the Sunday (if you know what I mean). So we celebrate one year of our families coming together. The looks of happiness and tears of joy I see on Rebekah and Ben's faces are priceless to me. Every moment I see their faces reminds me of the choice I made and I don't regret it. You cant go back and change the past...I cant make the sadness always disappear, but I can soak in the joy that Ty always brings. I do get sad, but not for long...after all....there is still Skype. (wink)

I miss my girls desperately. If I think about it to much I cant stop from crying. I am really good at suppressing emotions. If I let my mind wonder to what has been lost then my heart sinks so far down into dispare that I have to look up and start talking to God to bring me back. Dispare is such a trap. You have to be so careful not to stay in that emotion to long or it will destroy you. I have to remember the reasons I let the girls go, they are happy, well taken care of, and I have not truly lost them...its just distance. I did have a really fun time making them Valentines packages. I don't have a boyfriend...but I do have four little valentines in my life. I'm so blessed!!!!

I'm moving...again (sigh). With the girls gone I don't need such a large place so I am downsizing. Pictures and bragging rights to come....because...Im finally getting my hard wood floors. I couldn't be more excited!!!

Well, before the little ones wake up, I'm going to go make some coffee!!

Skype and Ty!!

I got to talk to Tyrus on Skype this weekend. It was so precious to see him moving and talking at the same time. Every time I get a picture or a new hand tracing in the mail, I look at the pictures a hundred times, and I trace his sweet little hand with my finger, and I cherish them...but somehow seeing him in real life is priceless to me. I'm loving Skype!!! Thanks Rebekah!

Things seem to be almost normal around here...if you can call my life normal (which I wouldn't). I guess what I mean is we are falling into a routine. I still feel like my head is swimming with all the changes in my life but I'm dealing with it and the fog is lifting.

Most of the time everyone is very supportive around here. The comments I get are uplifting and very encouraging. Thank you everyone!! I don't post all the comments. I get a few really negative ones that I know were just meant to take hits at my person...and I figure that nobody else needs to read them. So to those who are mean to me through their words...thank you for being honest. I do take your words with a grain of salt though. Until you have lived in my shoes, I suggest you do not judge my life choices.

Good or bad, I welcome all the comments. I'm trying to be true to myself, honest with myself, real with myself...and sometimes it can look really ugly when you really look at your own heart. Its filled with nasty ugly things that you would rather hide. I'm so grateful that God is bigger then my sin and all my ugliness. I'm so glad that HE lives inside me and that what people can see is the joy that floods out of me that only comes from God. I'm truly nothing without HIM! The more the years go by that scripture that says "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" comes to a BLARING reality for me. I struggle with guilt for the things I do wrong, and then I remember the scriptures and the promises they offer me and I am held at peace that I am still loved despite my sinful nature.

I'm still growing and maturing. When you are little you think "If only I was a grown up" and then you become a "grown up" and you realize that your really not yet grown on the inside. Life is sure a process of learning and living and falling down and getting up....and growing old and wise. I'm not afraid to get old...as long as I'm wise to go with the old. I don't want to grow old alone though so I sure hope I can find a HOT guy to get old with. LOL Yeah Yeah!!!! I know!!! I'm a fruit cake...but I'm just keeping it real.

Later gator!!!