Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Did I shave my legs for this?

A song I used to listen to over and over again when I was younger has a line in it that says "did I shave my legs for this." It talks about how you prepare for things that are supposed to be special and it turns out to be not as big of a deal as it was hyped up to be. I can think of many things in my life that fit into this scenario.

Sometimes I look back and feel like life has just slipped away from me. I remember when I became pregnant at the age of nineteen. Unmarried...scared...unsure if what was happening to me was real. Feeling like I was just going through the motions.

Becoming a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me outside of being saved. When you first have a baby...its truly miraculous. You are responsible for this tiny helpless little bundle of cuteness. I fell into that role very easily...again...and again...and again. Having babies made me feel loved...wanted...needed. I know, its a horrible reason to have children, but looking back, its the truth about my reality. I had a horrible marriage and a low self esteem and my babies made me feel important...it truly was peaches and cream to me.

Now my reality has changed. I have four children, three of which are bigger now. They are still young, but its a heck of a lot different for me now that I cant just pick up their little bodies and put them into bed with a spanking and a sippy cup and a promise of another spanking if I catch them up again. Now I have so much more to worry about. It overwhelming.

Years ago I was 18 and worrying about if my hair looked OK because I was going to meet my boyfriend and we were going to go out and have fun. Getting pregnant was not on my mind...consequences did not come into play. What mattered most was what felt good at the time...and not just sex. I lived for the moment. I cant say for sure if my behavior was completely responsible for the position of my life right now. I try to make the best of it, but I can tell you for sure that the consequences of my past do cross my mind every day....and I find myself asking this question....

Did I shave my legs for this?


birthmothertalks said...

I think we all or let's say most of us did some crazy things and when we look back, we say what was I thinking? My husband has a famous saying that goes like this. It takes everything you did and one and every place you been to become who and where you are today.

MrsPerrbear said...

I can completely relate to what you've said here. I always talk about my "Mufasa Days" (From Lion King) Though they don't happen often, there are times when I stand in the mirror and think, "You are more than what you've become!" Just like he told Simba! :)

Laurie said...

I used to love that song too!! But girl...I think I just quit shaving my legs a long time ago!! :)