Wednesday, January 6, 2010

A gift??

A gift? Did I give Ty as a gift? Did Rebekah send me all those Christmas gifts to be boastful and brag about her (as someone else put it) "perfect little life"?

Weird questions hugh? Let me put my thoughts to those questions. Why? Because it seems that there is so much judgment out there in the blog world that I just have to put my two cents in.....because its my blog and I need to get it off my chest.

Was Ty a gift to Rebekah and Ben? Honestly....no!! He was not a gift that I packaged up with a pretty little bow and gave as a present. He is a baby....a person....a sweet soul...but never a gift that I gave......but....that only describes my side of it. My relinquishment of Ty was something that I felt I had to do....but in the process of it all the word "gift" would come into play quite often. Discouragement was a constant before I found Rebekah and Ben. I really thought that I would never find acceptable parents for my baby. Every profile I looked at looked the same...said the same thing...nothing special...I almost gave up. When I found Rebekah and Ben through R's blog....I certainly felt that I had been given a gift....the gift of finding two people that I felt deserved the title and the job of being my sons parents. So no...I did not give Ty as a gift...but I received a gift in the form of Rebekah and Ben. In turn, my relinquishment of Ty to R and B (in their eyes) was a gift. And I just have to say this. If Rebekah and Ben want to refer to Ty as a gift...then so be it...because truly...to them...HE IS A GIFT FROM GOD, NOT FROM ME...FROM GOD and I agree with this 100 percent!!! Does that make sense?

There are so many people out there that are being judgmental and mean...and its all over stupid words. WHO THE HECK CARES if adoptive parents want to refer to their precious children as gifts? I'm the one who gave him up...I'm the one who decided not to parent. Certainly a certain level of respect should be had as far as birth mothers feelings. Everyone knows how fragile a birth mom can be even YEARS after her relinquishment...but goodness gracious do we have to be so petty over words like "gift." Gifts are good...and the Bible says "Every good and perfect gift is from above." That makes my heart happy. I could never take credit for Ty's life...I didn't create him or make him...yes I chose to bring him into this world but that's about it...and that's not much. All credit goes to God and if anyone reads Rebekah's blog...she ALWAYS gives credit to God...the giver of life...and the creator of Ty.

Sheesh!!!!!! I just get so mad when someone so beautiful inside and out gets battered and disrespected.

Did Rebekah send me all those gifts and then post them on her blog to brag and take all the credit?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!!!! Rebekah and Ben didn't buy a single gift for little Ty because they wanted to use all their resources for me and my kids. They don't owe me anything....not a phone call...email....or penny....yet they continue to bless me and my kids...and invite us into their lives with open arms. I could care less what other people think about Rebekah motives. Never ever ever ever did I think that she was ever boasting or bragging by posting it on her blog. She shares things with the blog world because she considers her readers friends. In fact....when another blog reader COMPLETELY TRASHES HER on their blog...she comments on it and apologizes for hurting any ones feelings. It leaves me to believe that what we are dealing with is another very hurt birth mother.

The bottom line is...I am not hung up on silly little things like words. I know my sweet Rebekah's heart. I know that what she and Ben did for us this Christmas was done with the utmost grace and love.

This was said by another birth mother and consequently the one who is trashing Rebekah..."Women like me often don't have a voice at all. It is difficult for anyone to know how women who have relinquished really feel because nobody really wants to hear any of that." This really frustrates me. Sure, maybe WAY back when adoptions were completely closed and birth mothers were ignored and pushed to the side...but times have changed. Never in my whole "birth mother" experience have I ever been pushed to the side or ignored. We live in such a different world now. No longer are us "birthmothers" tossed to the side as just the person who gave birth to a baby....people WANT to hear what we have to say...WE MOST CERTAINLY HAVE A VOICE...and for once people are actually listening to us. Unless you are a hermit crab in your house and have absolutly NO means of reaching out....there is help. Bithmothers are held in high regard these days...its because people are discovering the importance of keeping in contact with the birth mother for the child sake. Come on now.....am I making sense here?

I am not a great writer like Rebekah. She is a great swooner with her words. She can move a person to tears or laughter in a moment....she has a great gift of writing. Ill tell you now...when her book comes out...and it will some day...it will provide a great window to open adoption for many people. I will be first in line to buy one...or ten.

Good night!!!

31 comments:

Baby Wanted said...

I have to politely disagree with you-I believe you are as good of a writer if not better than her! :) Not trying to put her down, but I enjoy reading your blogs and I think you write beautifully-you need to give yourself more credit girl! :)

Everything you said was perfect...it really irritates me that people have such crappy things to say about them because R and B are wonderful people who truly love your family. They are not boastful-simply amazing people!

Muliebrity said...

I truly thought those gifts were from the heart and were sent with nothing but love. Haters be damned! I think she posted them because she was excited and happy to be "giving" back. It is a shame that you both have to be criticized and scrutinized, but I hope you both can see that the benefits of being open and honest about your lives is doing so much good. You both are inspiring!

Karen - Mommy to four sweeties said...

You are a great giving person. And I agree that you are a good writer too! I love reading your updates.

LL said...

Bravo and AMen! I have more to say but I am about to leave on a flight...

what's been happening between the bloggers these past few weeks (anti and pro) have made me sick. Horrible, vile comments from both sides. It is so nice to read your words and R's and see God's love.

anyway, like I said I have more to say. HOpefully, I make it home tonight through this snow storm and I can come back and fully comment.

Anonymous said...

I have to disagree, too - that was well-put. I always can't help but sigh aloud at all the hypersensitive PC-ness that surrounds adoption.

I think some of it's because we're a killing culture that favors abortion over adoption, because it's "easier" to just quietly "do away with the problem" rather than turn a crisis pregnancy into a blessing. Because that's what every life is, and I think too many people have forgotten that. They think of children as a hindrance, and adoption as an unnecessary nuisance.

And then some of it could be birth mothers that had a bad experience, but that's not the fault of those who had a good experience (in spite of the fact that they had to give away their own flesh and blood of course).

And then I think some of it is that people are just mean, rude idiots.

Anonymous said...

Just remember...the haters are always going to be there to hate! R and B are amazing people. You are an AMAZING person and mother. Just keep your chin up. Ty will show the world when he grows up as an amazing well adjusted loved young man! Prayers! Mollie (ohio)

Anonymous said...

Bravo! A child is a gift, simply stated. You and Rebekah are amazing in your own ways.
Paulette

Leah said...

This is a beautiful post, and I think you explained so well what you are feeling. I'm sorry that some people feel the need to be judgmental. As you stated, it's probably someone who had a bad experience, but it is unfortunate that the anger needs to be taken out on you.

Amber, That's Me! said...

It makes me sad that so many commenters say such mean things they would never say to someones face and then so many people close their blogs down due to it.

You and Rebekah both do a wonderful job of sharing your story!

Laurie said...

Rebekah, once again you come through!! Your last paragraph about how birthmothers in recent years DO have a voice and do have choices....perfectly stated. I felt such a closeness to you reading those words and also a loyalty to my child's birthmother too. I know she would never want to be spoken of in this way or have the parents of her daughter spoken of like that, so I respect your speaking out on it!

Anna said...

I agree with your comments. I follow both your blog as well as Rebekah's. I love them both and think you both have a beautiful story and journey to share with the world. I know it has opened my eyes to how open adoption works. Thank you for that.

Char said...

Beautiful.

Rebekah said...

Thank you for always having my back :). I can take all the hateful accusations because the opinions I value MOST know and understand my heart. I love the Bible verse, "If God is for me who can be against me?"

I am in no way comparing myself to Jesus, but that man was probably the MOST misunderstood person of all time. I will continue to stand up for what I believe is right and true and godly. If that makes me a target, so be it!

No one has to understand us...we get it! :)

mak'n Changes said...

Good girl Becky! Once again you sent my heart souring with your boldness. I'm so proud of you for the woman you are becoming thru all this. Oh btw. I will be in line next to you to buy rebekahs book.
One last thought..... You are leaving a legacy of boldness for your children to walk in. Its a good thing.
Love u!

All My Monkeys said...

The hard part about having a blog, and publishing personal information to ppl that don't personally know you (or who do) is you make yourself open/available for judgement and criticism. I struggle with this and how much of my life I should post about. I think it takes courage to "blog boldly", despite what comments may come your way. I'm so glad neither of you let those comments rock your friendship. Y

ou 3 have an amazing story. Brought together because of a baby, but you got something so much more - a relationship, a friendship, a bond. And for those of us who aren't as "sensitive" to adoption, I can see that. Someone else, as you said "a hurt birth mother", may have a harder time. I'm glad you recongnise that. You are also both women of sound mind and body, essential secure in your roles as women and mothers (however that relates to Ty), not all women can boast of that. There are too many cases, even today, where the circumstances are NOT good, the decision was rash, or more painful than they thought, teh BM was so young, etc, and so yes, the BM suffers long or regrets. Or the AM is insecure or fearful of losing the child, doesn't want the "intrusion" of the BM, and so can't have a "normal, healthy" relationship with the BM. It takes healthy people to have a healthy relationship. I think what you and R have is magical. Truely special. DEFINITELY ordained by God.

Maru said...

I've been following both of your stories. I'm so glad you posted this. Trashing and battering aside, I enjoy reading your side of the story so much. It brings me so much insight. I wish we had a relationship as open, wonderful, loving and sincere with our daughter's birthparents as the one Ben and Rebekah have with you. I only hope our daughter's birth parents know how important they are to us and our daughter.

paperglueetc said...

There are stupid people everywhere, I love reading your and R's blogs, I love your story I have passed your blogs along to so many women who have either adopted or are considering it because I think your relationship is beautiful, don't let stupid people take your blessings away. I loved the gifts they sent and that it was from their entire family, how anyone could make that anything other than loving I can't imagine.

Sara said...

OHHH Becky, so sorry you and Rebekah are having to deal with such nonsense! Just doesn't make sense! People! I think I have told you before of the relationship My birth daughter's mother and I have! It is truly one only God can orchestrate, just like you and Rebekah! I relinquished my birth daughter 20 years ago and her mom is one of my very dearest friends. When everyone has their eyes focused on what really matters which is glorifying God and doing what is best for Ty then incredible things happen that the rest of the world just doesn't get.

Keep your heads up, know God is working out beautiful things for ALL of your family including Ty, Ben and Rebekah!

Rose said...

I think you write very well, and truly from the heart, and you have 115 followers that would probably agree with me. I think if people have negative comments they should just keep them to themselves, or post their opinions on their own blogs. I also think that Ty is the one truly recieving gifts, he got the gift of a wise, wonderful birth mother like you, who made the heart wrenching decision to give him up, and he also received the gift of two loving, caring wonderful parents. I think of my own children as gifts from God, why wouldn't Rebekah?? When she posted on her blog about the gifts she was sending, it almost made me cry, that her whole family was doing it out of love. You are all an amazing group of people and I think Ty may just be the most blessed little boy alive.

~Katie said...

I love this post, but it is just plain ridiulous that you even have to address these things and moreover, that people would actually say these things and ask these questions. I think you and Rebekah have a beautiful bond and Ty is the luckiest and cutest little baby in Michigan! You are so right on when you say that WE DO WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU and other birth moms. I have 2 adopted kids and I try to reach out to their birthmothers with no response. I know their hearts must be so heavy and I want to learn from people like you as to what they may be feeling and how I can make it better for them. Thank you for sharing the way you do and for having a beautiful soul! And by the way, you are a wonderful writer too!! :)

Anonymous said...

amen :)

LL said...

Ok. I have started this several times then either it turns into a ramble or dear daughter needs me.

I so agree with you that we get so caught up in "words"! It can be quite exhausting.

Lately it seems that there is so much bashing going on between parts of the adoption triad, such judgement. I know you and R have been attacked and I have a few other adoptive parent bloggers that have been fired upon by certain members of one group. What strikes me is that most of the attacks are aimed at those in wonderful, open adoptions. If they are wanting adoption reform or to educate people they are aiming at the wrong ones. We all are the ones that are trying to do things right.

I am so glad that you and R are not linking to the people that are attacking. I can understand why some do though. One adoptive parent did so because the adoptee that was attakcing her linked all of the blogs that the adoptive blogger follows. So adoptive parent was afraid that we would be on the receiving end of the hate. I know there have been some disgusting and vile things written to my friends...but when blogs are linked, those that are attacking are also getting some nasty, vile comments and honestly what good comes from that. It just gives them more ammo and seems to prove to them that they are right. Those that are attacking the friends of mine though, seem to have such a skewered view from their own experiences that no matter what WE say or do they will not bend and open their hearts that adoption may not be so evil.

This past week I have been so saddened and sickened to read what has been going on, back and forth between certain blogs/groups.

All we can do is raise our children and be honest with them Teach them God's love and grace. Love them unconditionally and hopefully they will become secure in who they are. We won't truly know how they will feel for many many years, when they are older but I truly believe if we do these things they will not feel the hatred that we all have been shown.

I love reading your blog. You write beautifully and from the heart. I think we write the same way, as if we are having a conversation.

God Bless and Hugs.

Laurel said...

All of this 'chatter' on Rebekah's blog & any 'chatter' to you that is of any negative form - to me, in my opinion - is just the enemy trying to distract everyone from the beauty of what God's plan is for you, Ty, Rebekah and Ben and everyone else who are blessed to know the story you all share.

I haven't commented on here...but I've followed Rebekah's blog since before Ty was born...and just recently began to read your blog. (And, I read from the beginning! :o) )

And, I am an adoptee...from a closed adoption. Your story is just so beautiful. It touches my heart to the core.

Blessings to you!

Jamie said...

I find it really sad when others feel like adoptive parents don't deserve their children and shouldn't see their child as a gift. We are constantly told to "just adopt" while undergoing or before undergoing fertility treatments. There is a loss of never having your own biological child. That is painful, so if anything adoptive moms and moms who relinquish their children for adoption have more in common than they realize. I agree, with a POSITIVE open adoption relationship sOOOOO much good can be done for the child. Imagine how special he will feel growing up knowning he has so many people who love him. As an adoptee and possible adoptive parent I can tell you it does feel neat to know two families love you and my adoption was not even open.

Sissy said...

I am glad I came across your blog, because as a potential adoptive parent, I want more than anything to understand this side as well. My husband and I came close to adopting last May and the birthmother decided to parent. I don't judge her at all...it was just sad for me.

Anyway, glad to meet you and see your heart. It looks like you have a beautiful family.

Julie said...

And people want to tie up adoption in a nice pretty bow and put everyone in their "category"...well I find myself in an odd "category" these days. I tentatively reached out to my child's birth mother via a closed adoption (her choice not mine) and was told in no uncertain terms that she wished it to stay closed. I'd like to know more about her....I'd like to exchange pictures and share our child. But she doesn't wish it to be that way. She must have a reason, but she didn't choose to share it with me.

So even today not all Birth Mothers want an open adoption. Like someone said...we raise and love our kids and do the best we can. That's all we can do.

Nati @ I will praise Him said...

I love your blog and your thoughts!!!!

I gave you 2 awards, if you want to, check my blog to get them!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad it's working out for you.

Nicole said...

"This was said by another birth mother and consequently the one who is trashing Rebekah..."Women like me often don't have a voice at all. It is difficult for anyone to know how women who have relinquished really feel because nobody really wants to hear any of that." This really frustrates me. Sure, maybe WAY back when adoptions were completely closed and birth mothers were ignored and pushed to the side...but times have changed. Never in my whole "birth mother" experience have I ever been pushed to the side or ignored. We live in such a different world now."

When I read this part of your post it made me feel like I may be able to shed a little light on this perspective of a birth mother from WAY back when adoptions were completely closed...

I placed my son for adoption almost 18 years ago (in April) and there was no other option at that time other than a closed adoption. Even though I know I made the right choice for my son, it didn't feel good. That is to say that placing your baby and just never hearing anything about them again just leaves you with all the hurt and longing from your loss and I think it absolutely hinders the healing process. I realized this once I "found" my son 2 years ago and began corresponding with his adoptive parents. Once I knew where he was, that he was healthy and happy I finally felt GOOD about his placement (I always knew I made the right choice but it never felt good). It took 16 years to have a positive feeling about the adoption. I have found that people do not want to hear about all that hurt and loss and grief because it makes them uncomfortable and they just don't know what to say.

So it is wonderful, absolutely wonderful to hear about your adoption story and to know there are adoptive mothers out there who value the birth mother of their children and want to have a relationship with them and I am so glad to hear that people are listening to birth mothers now.

However, us birth mothers of old were cast aside and in most cases are still not being listened to and are left with all the negative feelings because we are not involved in knowing about our children. It makes a HUGE difference, I can tell you first hand. Once I found out about my son I finally began the healing process after 16 years. My heart is finally at peace with the adoption because it makes my sacrifice and suffering worth it to know he has had a great life. Had we birth mothers had the knowledge from the beginning like you do, we may not have suffered so greatly because we would have the good feelings about the adoption right away.

anonymous said...

"WE MOST CERTAINLY HAVE A VOICE!"

Only when you agree with the dominant discourse.

Jessica said...

Well said! My daughter's birth mother made the comment at one point that she felt like she was giving our daughter, Mia, a gift of a better life than she could provide at that time.

No doubt, open adoption is an amazing example of the way God works.