Stains!

Before I got pregnant with Tyrus I had a daycare that I ran out of my home. It worked perfectly for me. I was able to be home with the kids every day and still bring in some money. Ive worked odd jobs all my life, mostly things that dealt with customer service. I even worked for Discover Card at one point. The majority of my life has been at home, raising my kids, and babysitting other peoples kids. I loved it. I invested my life in other peoples lives. It was wonderful. Who could ask for more?

When I got pregnant with Tyrus I lost a lot because of my choices. I lost both of my babysitting jobs (I had two). One left because of personal changes in her life (love you S) and the other left out of hate towards me. I was left pregnant, no boyfriend, no job, and four little mouths to feed. It was a scary place to be. I was living off child support and food stamps.

I wanted out. I believe there is a time and a place to be on government assistance, but one must not make a career out of it. I wanted to be self sufficient so I made a choice to jump back into the work force again. I had babysat or cleaned houses for years and I wanted to prove to myself that I could do more. I could do better for me and my kids. So after Tyrus was born.....I got a job...a wonderful job in an orthodontics's office. I was the receptionist. It quickly became my favorite job EVER!!

Soon after my job started, I started noticing some "not so good" things. It was a family owned practice with the only employees being me and the assistant. The doctors wife was the office manager and essentially the one who I would always go to. Everything went through her.

A few weeks into my job I received my first review. I was informed that the Doctor didn't trust me because I was a "single mom with four kids who would probably be looking for a man to support her and consequently get married, run off and leave us high and dry." I was blown away by this comment but being my normal passive self just pushed it off. After about the third time of being told I was on probation and repeatedly being told the Doctor didn't trust me I had to say something. I told my boss who I will call "O" that the assistant was a single mom to and that she had just as much of a chance to run off and marry a man as I did. To that "O" replied "but she has a degree and does this for a living."

These comments were thrown around constantly during my seven months of employment. I was repeatedly told that I was not doing a good job and I basically spent the entire seven months of my job on probation. I believe that the doctor would do things to me to be vindictive...simple things like asking me to bring my own tissues "because I use to many and I was causing the office to much money in tissues", or locking me out of the office if I used the back door to use the restroom(we didnt have a bathroom we could use in the office). Yes I could go through the front but I preferred to use the back door so that the entire waiting room didn't know that I just went to the restroom. Any time I would get ice out of the ice maker he would empty it as if to avoid my germs. These things seem silly I'm sure....but they really degraded me.

In all honesty, I did make mistakes. This job requires a lot of accuracy and I did the best I could but would fall short sometimes. I believe this was my only shortcoming though. I worked every day I could, was never late and in eight months never missed a single day of work. I was very proud of that accomplishment. It wasn't easy. I have four children and to juggle all their little lives and my job was sometimes very challenging.

Most recently (within the past month) my hours were cut drastically. The new rule was if there was only four patients in the morning then they would ask me not to come in. One day while sitting in the lunch room I read on the office wall that I could apply for partial unemployment if my hours were reduced. I thought it was a good way to make supplemental income since my paychecks had been so slim with the cut in hours. In my head it was a great solution. Apparently it was not. "O" received my unemployment papers in the mail and directly called my coworker (the only other non family employee in the office) and asked if she knew anything about me filing unemployment. Fortunately the assistant and I are friends so she promptly called me. I felt violated. My boss was calling people and sharing my personal information. I confronted my boss the next day...(which was actually yesterday) and her response was "I had to find out what was going on."

Today, on a beautiful sunny day and what seemed to be a good "working" day....

I was fired.

Back to the drawing board. If you pray....pray for me! In all honesty, I feel like a dirty old shirt with a bunch of stains on it. I know I'm worth more, I just don't feel it right now.

This little boy....

who is full of life...



loves juice boxes...



and sure knows how to pick em...



who insisted that this was his girl...



but was quickly put on the straight and narrow, when I explained to him that I was to be his only girl...



for now anyway!

One year later!

They say it takes a year for your body to recover from having a baby. I think that is so true. I am trying to loose weight that I should have lost a long time ago but it is weight that I put on while I was pregnant. My body still shows signs of being pregnant and when I notice those signs, I remember that it was not so long ago.

Its not a sad day by any means. After all, how can you possibly be sad when a special someone is turning one year old? Its a great celebration and his momma and daddy are planning a grand party. I received an invitation, but I wont be able to attend. That part is sad for me. Some day I will fly out and spend a birthday with him. That is certainly something to look forward to.

One year later...I have learned so much about myself. I have discovered my limits during a time when I thought I was limitless. I have learned to let go of the things I thought I had control of. Having Tyrus showed me that to love sometimes means to let go. What a hard concept to grasp!!! God is showing me daily that I need to completely surrender to Him so that he can work in my life. Its our failure to surrender that keeps us from being close to Him.

So today is dedicated to this little boy...



And to all that his life represents for me. Love! Sacrifice! Joy!



And to this family....who will love him forever!!



Happy Birthday Tyrus!!!

My gift to Tyrus! Updated!

UPDATE! I have had a few people ask me ware I go the book for Ty. I wish there were an easier way to respond to people that comment on my blog. Anyway, I figured Id do a little update on it here. I got it through Hallmark. I was going to purchase it online or through eBay but I soon found out that going into a Hallmark to purchase one was about twenty dollars cheaper then purchasing it online. My only suggestion is to call around to see what the Hallmark store has in stock. These books go fast. You can go to hallmark.com and look at the different recordable books that they offer so that you know what you are looking for but like I said don't purchase it online because they are very expensive.
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About a week and a half ago I sent Tyrus his birthday gift. I didn't know what to get this sweet boy. I wanted it to be unique and personable. I found these recordable story books and thought it would be the perfect gift. The thought of being able to read him a story from hundreds of miles away made my heart soar. I recorded this video just minutes after I recorded the book. Its not a great video. I look horrible and I am just full of emotion. I was crying happy tears. I miss him so. When I get emotional I play with my bottom lip which is what I did in the video. However; Tyrus has received the book now so I wanted to share with you this very special gift.



Other things on my mind:

Life has NOT been easy for me the past few years. Sometimes I sit and wonder if things will ever even out. My job continues to be difficult and I often wonder if I am cut out for it. Just when I think I am doing a good job, I am advised that my job is on the line again. Ive been on probation for seven months. I just cant figure it out. Is God shaping me or trying to show me areas that need improvement in my life through my job? Its most certainly not for lack of trying. I don't do things half heartedly. I take my job very seriously, but something is lacking. I continue to pray for God to show me my place in life. I long for something in my life to "stick" and just be steady, and I was hoping to make this job my home. Right now, its up in the air. What now God?

My favorite song lyrics:

Dear God,
"I want to thank you now for being patient with me. Oh its so hard to see, when my eyes are on me. I guess Ill have to trust and just believe what you say. Cause your coming again, coming to take me away!"

Keith Green

Remembering!

Here is what I posted one year ago today! Its good to look back and remember what you have come out of. Its good to see how far Ive come. This was an exciting and sad time in my life. Exciting because it was close to the day that sweet Tyrus would grace all of our lives, but sad because I would suffer a great loss in a few short days. Here is what I wrote.

Friday, June 5, 2009 12 more days!!!!
That's right. I am scheduled to be induced on the 18th. Twelve days seems SOOOO long, but I know its not. I am doing pretty good today and yesterday. I have all the same discomforts but really, I think I can make it. I look at my belly and it seems HUGE and then I look in the mirror and I KNOW I'm huge. :) I really don't mind though. Its all for a good reason.

I was in the rocking chair the other day and was just slowly rocking and the baby was kicking and I put my hand on my belly and started rocking harder and I realized "I'm rocking him." That sounds stupid Hugh because obviously I have been rocking him from the day he was conceived, but for some reason I just had this moment with him that I had not had before. It was special. I only have a short time to take care of him, and right now its so easy to care for him (in a sense). I think its easier to take care of a baby in utro then for them to be out. So I just felt, in that moment, that my job was was so important. I am ready for him to be born though. He just feels gigantic inside of me and its hard just to get dressed with this big belly.

The kids are doing great at there dads house. It feels good not to have to worry about them. Of course my three year old keeps me on my toes, but just to have three kids gone is such a BIG break. I really needed it. Oh and to top it off my mom and grandma have my dog for a few days. WHAT A RELIEF!! She is a sweet little thing but its become hard for me to take her potty three times a day (I live in an apartment).

Well, the nights are long for me because I cant lay in bed. The minute I lay down its such terrible pain in between my legs that I struggle to sit up. I have been sleeping on the recliner and it is not that comfortable but at least I get a few hours of sleep. Good thing I don't require much sleep. :)

Ill try to keep this updated....because time is short.