Last post of the year!

My how time flies. Lets see what I have accomplished this year. LOL I moved out of our friends house and found our own place and have been able to support myself for almost a whole year now. I am proud of that. I have been able to feed and cloth and put a roof over mine and my kids heads for another year. The children have managed not to kill each other. I did not (miracle) loose my mind despite thinking so many many times. I still love the Lord with all my heart and want to be closer to him every day even though that is such a hard task to accomplish. (why is that by the way?)

Lastly, I managed to find the most unworthy, self praising, liar, (I cant think of enough horrible words) of a man, who knocked me up, cheated on me, walked away, and here I sit.

Somehow, this coming year.....I will find joy in my situation. I have to. I will figure out my purpose in this whole mess that I have created. I will become a better person.

Here's to 2009 being a far better year than 2008.

Give away!!!!!!

If you go to this site, the owner of it is doing a give away. Just go to this link http://thesecretisinthesauce.blogspot.com/2008/12/win-keurig-platinum-brewing-system-and.html.

Have fun.

After Christmas drama

Well, the grandparents are still in town. I always enjoy them being here but then there are always things about them that bother me. Anyway, me and the kids live in a small apartment so it has just been a given that we visit and spend time at Aunties house because she has a very large house. The kids have been spending the night over there and me and the three year old come home to sleep. The kids have been really good except a few little fights but that is to be expected. Auntie (the grandparents daughter) has one child who is ten and a boy. The kids have been hanging out in his room watching movies and such.

Christmas evening my son Matthew (nine years old) was a bit hyper and so grandpa said that he should go home and get some rest and come back the next day. Victoria (the ten year old) was super excited about the stuff she got for Christmas and wanted to go home for the night to put stuff away and enjoy her new TV and movies. The oldest (Chelsea 12) was the only one who stayed. In the hustle and bustle of the night I forgot to have the kids go up and clean the room they had been playing in. I am sure it was Matthew that made the mess because he is always throwing wrappers on the floor and not picking them up. I am working with him on this messy habit he has going. Chelsea had left her gum out and the three year old got ahold of it and there was gum on the floor. I felt so bad about that. I had no idea. Beyond that I was constantly cleaning and picking up Aunties house so that we were not a burden.

The day after Christmas we called over to Aunties house to see how everything was going and I talked to Grandma. She said that everyone was just resting but that they might go out and get nails done and get Chelsea a manicure. I asked her if I should bring over Victoria (knowing she would feel left out) so she could go with them. Grandma said no that she only wanted Victoria to go. This really irritated me. I have a problem with Grandma favoring Chelsea anyway and I thought that it was really horrible to leave Victoria out like that. Then Auntie gets on the phone and said that it was all about having only the children over that were respectful and that Chelsea was the only one. Grandma told me not to take things so personally. What the heck? All I wanted was for Grandma to act like she had four grandchildren not one. Sometimes I really question that women's motives. So I told them to get Chelsea ready and I would be over to pick her up. I went to get her and told them to call us if they wanted us to come over and visit. Its ten o'clock in the morning now and nobody has called. I am not sure I expect them to since I took Grandma's precious Chelsea away. (can I scream now?)

MORE DRAMA
Auntie has a dog. It is half lab and half Akita (probably the wrong spelling). The kids have teased this dog so he naturally growl es at the kids and generally doesn't like them. I also don't think this dog is a good dog to be around kids. Needless to say this dog is very unpredictable and it makes me nervous to be around him sometimes. So we are all watching TV in the living room and some kids are on the floor playing and Matthew comes up behind the dog on his hands and knees and surprises the dog, the dog rears back and bites my son on the face. He has a hug hole in his face and on the inside of his mouth. I'm freaking out and call Grandma over and Auntie over to see it. Immediately Grandma starts off "you cant take him to the doctor because they will take the dog away. If you take him to the hospital they will take the dog away." I told her that I understood but to please look at his face and tell me if he needed stitches. She just kept going on and on about how the dog will get taken away. I was very frustrated at that point and raised my voice and said "I don't care about the stinking dog, does my son need stitches." Finally she looked at me and said "yes he needs stitches." This was Christmas eve so I had to take him to the hospital where "YES" he needed stitches. How selfish and stupid of her to act like that.

So here I sit...very frustrated, and not sure what to do. The girls are still sleeping and the boys are playing. I am enjoying myself (still in my pj's) but am sad because of everything that has happened.

Christmas!!

Well, its been two days since I have been home. I am so so so glad to be home. My house is a mess but I am still glad to be home. My (ex) in-laws are in town so I have been spending lots of time over at the kids Aunties house where they are staying. I love being around them. They are the grandparents of my kids. I was married to there son for six years (first marriage). We are all very blessed to be so close and love each other so much. Anyway, its been really nice to be around them.

Christmas is almost over. I cant believe it. I am so exhausted. All the cooking and preparing the presents for the kids and clean up and everything in between is really really exhausting. I have come to realize that Christmas really is for the kids. LOL I guess we don't realize how much our parents do for us as kids.

I am so thankful that we know the real reason for the season. For me and my kids it really is Jesus' birthday. We went to the Christmas Eve service and it was wonderful to just focus on the real reason for the season. My kids get SOOOO many things for Christmas. I don't buy them anything because I cant afford it but the relatives make up for it big time. LOL My kids don't notice that they have nothing from me.

As far as my pregnancy goes.....Well I went to the doctor last Friday. The baby was doing fine and seems to be much bigger then before. It was still to early to see the heartbeat but they did a vaginal ultrasound again. I think that makes my fourth one. :) I don't mind. Who wouldn't want to see there baby that many times. He/she is growing fine. I am still having a very hard time accepting the whole thing. Again I promised myself that I would be real in this journal. I don't like being pregnant this time. I loved being pregnant the previous four. This time seems different. I get very depressed about it. It might be because it is the first trimester and I feel so sick all the time. I have to eat every four hours or I will throw up over and over again. I hate eating so much. Its such a pain in my butt to do so. I do feel some relief. Last Friday I was eleven weeks and three days. So tomorrow I will be twelve weeks. First trimester is almost over. YIPPEEE!!!!

Well enough griping on this fine day. It really has been wonderful. My family and friends are wonderful to me and the kids. I don't know how I could have done it without them. We are very very blessed.

Kriss, Ben's hair is just precious. I could see how hard it was for you. Its hard to cut there baby hair off. Did you save some of his hair? He is so precious.

I am going to try and post more now that I will be home a bit more. I really want to try and use this to get my feelings out and really try to heal through this hard time.

Im thinking.......adoption!!!

Ive thought about this possibility before. At first I thought it was not even a possibility but given my present circumstances I really don't think I could handle or manage another baby. I don't think that this means that I am a horrible person or that I would love my baby, but I think it means that I know my limits.

I talked to the sperm don er today. I was so angry with him. I cant understand how you could willingly have unprotected sex with someone and then just walk out like that. Its so irresponsible. I would have gladly dedicated myself to him and we could have done this together...but now I find myself really in a bad bad position. I already have four kids. I have four kids that keep me very busy, to put one more in the mix would be so hard. Emotionally I just don't know if I could offer what it would take. I have family here but they cant help me like a husband would. I am already on welfare and trying to do the best I can. OK, now I feel really selfish. I am the one who chose to have sex...I knew what I was doing. I don't believe in abortion and I read about all these wonderful families that are just waiting for there miracles. Is God telling me something? Am I going to be part of a miracle? I truly hope so.

So here I am today, at almost twelve weeks, thinking about adoption. I just have so many questions. If I decide on this then I would most certainly want to try and pick a couple that could go through the pregnancy with me as soon as possible. Can the dad sign his rights away before the baby is born or after? How does this all work because this little babies sperm doner is such a lire. I couldn't believe a word he tells me, so why would I want to get a couple involved thinking they were going to adopt this baby and then when it happens the sperm doner steps in and runes everything. What can I do?

Ahhhh!! A nice break!!

My sister in law (ex sister in law) came over and babysat the kids tonight so that I could go out. I went out by myself (no self pitty here, I loved it) and enjoy myself. It was lovely. I am still very sick but not nearly as sick as I was a week or two ago. I still have to make sure to eat or I will throw up. But I did have a wonderful time tonight. I went to Schlotzskys (one of my favorites) and then off to the movies where I saw "Australia." I thought it was a great movie. Then the best part was when I got home and all the kids were in bed and my house was semi clean because I worked really hard on it today so that the sitter would be in a clean house.

I am glad I have tomorrow off. I had an extra infant this week and so I am pooped. Well its almost twelve and I better get off to bed.

Oh one more thing. Call me crazy, but I really think I feel the baby sometimes. Its very very low down by my pubic area and its just a little vibration. I have seen the baby on the ultrasound a few times moving around in there and apparently the baby is bigger then a jumping bean so, I fighre, its my sixth pregnancy, I bet Im right. Who knows.

I dont know if I can take it anymore!!

I did not have all these children to do this alone. I am really really angry. I didnt realize how angry I was till now. I am so angry at the kids dads for what they have done. I don't understand. We made a choice to have these kids and now here I am doing it alone.

Matts teacher doesn't like me. I don't even think she likes him. He is nine years old and she is just certain that he has Add or Adhd. Whatever!! I work until about six o'clock at night. I have to then get the kids (all four of them) fed, there rooms cleaned and showers all by myself and have them in bed for school the next day. Now I am in trouble with the teachers because I am not doing the homework with the kids. I don't know how the heck I am going to do all of this stuff. I cant get it done. I'm sorry but homework takes last place in the events of the night. I need the teachers to teach the kids school and I will try and handle the rest. I don't have time for homework.

Not to mention my kids seem to be out of control with there attitudes. They are yelling at me and being defiant and disrespectful. My nine year old girl ( Victoria) is constantly unhappy about her life. It apparently is a horrible life. My kids don't have a great life. They have everything they need.

I cant get my daughter to clean her room. (the nine year old) It has been several days of telling her over and over to do it. Im not a clean freak but I do need to be able to walk in there. Its a small room and two girls live in there and its not fair for the older girl to live in it. I am going to scoop up everything tonight and put it into a garbage bag and she will have to earn it all back.

Well I think I have done enough complaining. I am so tired. Not like Im tired and need to sleep but just so mentally tired. I need a break. I wish I had a little more money so that I could hire a babysitter to come and watch the kids once a month so that I can go out to the movies. Now I would be going alone but I would love it. I never get out, I never get a break. I need out, I need a break. Otherwise I dont think I can handle it.

Tired!!

I'm tired of being sick. I know this is normal and in reading old blogs of mine, it is perfectly normal for me to be feeling desperation at this stage but I'M DONE!!!! I am so tired of being sick. I get no breaks from the sickness. I feel as though I have the flu twenty four hours a day. It helps a little for me to keep busy but I am tired so I cant do to much. I managed to get all NINE loads of my laundry washed, dried, and almost all put away, so that made me feel better. I also gathered 220 dollars worth of groceries and had them all put away. Thank goodness the kids were here to help me bring them into the house. That part is exhausting. So, all in all it was a very productive day but I find myself in tears a lot because I feel so crummy.

I also had some streaky blood again today. I also notice some tiny tiny blood clot looking things. They are only as big as the tip of a push pin. They are so small but very noticeable. Very strange. I am on the second day of my yeast medicine. I am not having cramping just the blood in the morning. Weird Weird!!!

Tomorrow I really hope to make it to church. I need to get there and just really rejuvenate my spirit. I am (obviously) been so down. I know the only thing that can keep me going is the Lord. I'm really trying, but it seems that everything I do takes such an effort. I'm not sure I'm up to any of this anymore.

OBGYN Visit

I had my scheduled doctors appointment today. I had to take my three year old with me which I was leery about but it turned out OK. It did seem like forever until they called me back into a room. I love my doctor but I love the nurse practitioners better. LOL They are amazing and just make me feel so comfortable. I wish she could deliver my baby but I guess nurse practitioners don't do that. Anyway, I told her I was still bleeding and I told her my situation on how the baby's sperm Donner decided to cheat on me so she decided to do a repeat pap even though I just had one in September. There was some bleeding coming from my cervix. I guess the labs that the hospital had done the other day came back normal. The only thing is I had a little bit of bacteria in my urine and a yeast infection. So, unfortunately she had to test me for all the STD's because If I had one (say chlamydia) then it would be the source of the bleeding. Again, I feel stupid and foolish. I feel so horrible about myself that I could be so careless and unaware of the bad things and people in this world. So we will see what the results of that are.

On to the good stuff. Since I am to early (only nine weeks) to hear a heartbeat on the Doppler, she broke out the ultrasound machine for me. This is now currently my third ultrasound. I am going to have to post these pictures soon. I do treasure them. I am trying very hard to be raw and open and honest (not hiding anything) in this blog. I want to grow through it. I want my thoughts and feelings to spill out onto the page. I feel it is the only way to heal through this situation.

So in being honest, I did not want another baby. I still can not wrap my mind around having five children and being a single mom. This blows me away. I have to remember that the first four children were all planned and conceived in marriage. Well, all except the first but I did end up marrying the guy and having many more children with him. That's another story. I guess through my sadness of the whole situation, I do hope to learn to love and look forward to this little teddy bear. That's exactly what the little person inside me looks like on the ultrasound machine. Its legs and arms are so short and its head is so big it really resembles a teddy bear. So I guess that will be its nick name.

The sperm Donner called and said he would be by to pay me the money he owes me. (seventy five dollars). Of course, true to form, I have not heard from him. I don't expect to. I have never met a pathological liar before, but now I have. I don't know how a person keeps up with the lies, I would get confused.

Its been cold here in the Springs. I love it. I love the snow, I love the cold and the bundling up.

I do hope I feel better soon. I am just sick all day long. I don't throw up but its just like being under a dark cloud all the time with this morning sickness which is the stupidest name I have ever heard. It is certainly not for the morning, but for about three months straight. The only relief I have is when I am sleeping, but then I am up every few hours to pee. This is how I know it is a healthy pregnancy. The sicker I am, the healthier the pregnancy.

I know that God works everything thing for good. I just don't see it yet through my mistakes. I am hoping to do better, soon. Time is not on my side.

How did I get here?

How did I get here? I'm sitting here in a hospital bed waiting, waiting to be told what is going on inside my body. I'm worried about the kids. They are at there Aunts house but it is getting late and I don't want to take to much time because four kids for anybody is a challenge. My blood pressure is high. I wonder why? Probably because I am WORRYING. Why do I make the choices I make? How did I get here again?

Ron. Who is Ron? A guy. A guy I met in the parking lot of my complex. Why did I give him my phone number. OH that's right, I remember now......I cant say no. I wanted to say no. Was I lonely? No I was defiantly not lonely, just puzzled at why someone would want a fat girl with all these kids phone number. So I give him my number and like he said he would do (that's actually the last thing he would actually live up to) he called me. He told me all kinds of things that I wanted to hear. Why am I so trusting? Oh, I remember now, for some reason I don't think there are bad people in the world. Stupid girl.

Lies are all Ron told me. He never did a thing for me except get me here in this hospital waiting to see if the child inside me is still alive. I am nine weeks now. I have four kids at home and I am nine weeks pregnant. How did I get here? The doctor said the baby looks fine, but there is no explanation for my bleeding. What does that mean? Never in my four previous, and successful pregnancies did I ever bleed. Part of me wanted to hear that I had lost the baby. Isn't that terrible? I feel like a terrible person. I willingly had sex with a man who promised me the moon. Who told me that the only thing he wanted was to have a baby with me. I didn't want another baby. Why did I agree to that? Oh, I remember, I'm a people pleaser and I cant say no.

So now I wait. I have a bit of blood every day. Not a lot, just a little. Oh how I wish I could turn back time.

Ron decided to sleep around with his secretary. I decided that he needed to be out of my life. So I wait.