Thursday, December 4, 2008

How did I get here?

How did I get here? I'm sitting here in a hospital bed waiting, waiting to be told what is going on inside my body. I'm worried about the kids. They are at there Aunts house but it is getting late and I don't want to take to much time because four kids for anybody is a challenge. My blood pressure is high. I wonder why? Probably because I am WORRYING. Why do I make the choices I make? How did I get here again?

Ron. Who is Ron? A guy. A guy I met in the parking lot of my complex. Why did I give him my phone number. OH that's right, I remember now......I cant say no. I wanted to say no. Was I lonely? No I was defiantly not lonely, just puzzled at why someone would want a fat girl with all these kids phone number. So I give him my number and like he said he would do (that's actually the last thing he would actually live up to) he called me. He told me all kinds of things that I wanted to hear. Why am I so trusting? Oh, I remember now, for some reason I don't think there are bad people in the world. Stupid girl.

Lies are all Ron told me. He never did a thing for me except get me here in this hospital waiting to see if the child inside me is still alive. I am nine weeks now. I have four kids at home and I am nine weeks pregnant. How did I get here? The doctor said the baby looks fine, but there is no explanation for my bleeding. What does that mean? Never in my four previous, and successful pregnancies did I ever bleed. Part of me wanted to hear that I had lost the baby. Isn't that terrible? I feel like a terrible person. I willingly had sex with a man who promised me the moon. Who told me that the only thing he wanted was to have a baby with me. I didn't want another baby. Why did I agree to that? Oh, I remember, I'm a people pleaser and I cant say no.

So now I wait. I have a bit of blood every day. Not a lot, just a little. Oh how I wish I could turn back time.

Ron decided to sleep around with his secretary. I decided that he needed to be out of my life. So I wait.


mak'n Changes said...

Dang becky! What a powerful post! It shows so many emotions. Fear, disgust, shame. What a crazy journey you've been on!

Anita said...

Hi Rebekah, I came back to the beginning of your blog to see how it all got started. Hope to read more of your older posts when my busy life permits.