Very nice day with family!!

Today was nice. It was a warm almost 60 degrees out, and the sun is shining. Just like the Colorado Springs weather though, tomorrow we will be getting snow.

So we woke up and did our house cleaning. The kids complained about it, which is nothing new, and then we headed out for some fun. I checked the mail before we left but was disappointed to find the mail man was not there yet. Of course I was looking for the agency paperwork. (sigh) So we went to an all you can eat pizza place and my dad and step mom met us there. It was so wonderful. It was the first time I could actually talk to them about the adoption and get there feedback on it. They were not going to say anything because they thought maybe it was a sensitive subject. LOL How sweet. They were shocked to hear me ramble on and on about how excited I was and how I found the people that I want to have my baby and on and on and on. We left the pizza place with smiles on our faces. They support me completely. Its not that I was looking for there approval, because I don't need it, but there support is wonderful.

After eating we headed to Cottonwood park. We love this park because the play ground is amazing. All the kids had an amazing time. Skyler was running and going down the biggest slides (with sissy's help) and the kids just had a ball.

We loaded into the cars after giving Papa and Grandma Melody a hug and headed home. We checked the mail and LO AND BEHOLD, the paperwork came. AHHHHHHHH!!! I was so excited. The kids went to the apartment office because it was kid craft day and I took Skyler home, put him in the bathtub and opened the paperwork. I was disappointed to see that B and R's complete profile wasn't in there but I had not asked for it ether. I think I will though because I know they worked countless hours on it and I would like a copy of it for my keep sakes.

Well, Skyler is now in bed, dinner has been had and the big kids are having movie night. I have claimed my room for my own (the computer is in here and they hog it sometimes LOL). I have completed all the paperwork, the only thing missing is my proof of pregnancy from my doctor. I will have to get that on Monday. Do you think I could just pee on a stick and send it? LOL Just kidding.

Well, I guess that is it for now.

Really fast!!

Ill post more later but I am so excited. I finally got the paperwork from the agency. I cant wait to go through it.

Be back soon.

Comments!!!

I have some more to talk about but I will wait for tomorrow to talk about it (its all good) because I am watching Man vs Wild baby. I LOVE that show. That man is shameless.

Oh, but I did want to say that I apparently do have a few more readers. I got such a sweet comment from an anonymous reader. Who ever you are, thank you so much for your encouragement. It makes me feel amazing to have support.

HUGS to ya!!!!!

Pictures

Well, I am going to try to post pictures here. Ive never done it before. Thanks Kriss for the tips. Ill even try and add a video just for practice. Ok these first two pictures are of my old ultrasounds. The first one was very early and I believe (just guessing) I was only about six weeks. It was done impromptu at the doctors office on there in office machine by the nurse practitioner. So its a bit fuzzy. The second one was also done at the doc's office by the same lady on the same machine but I believe i was about nine or ten weeks. I like the second one because if you look really closely it looks like a little teddy bear. The first one looks like a fetal pole if that. LOL I had these done because I was still bleeding and the doctor didnt really know what to think of it. It was fun to see the baby in there so many times.

The third picture is of me. I don't know why I am posting this. I don't have many pictures of me because I am behind the camera.

So anyway, here is me. I think I need to go get my hair cut again because it is so long now and it doesn't look as good anymore. When would I go get my hair cut. LOL No way am I taking a three year old. :)

Well, I also LOVE to quilt. But more then quilting I love to cut quilting squares. SOOOOO!!! Last year I decided that I liked doing it so much that I would start selling my squares on eBay. Here are a few pictures of my favorite squares that I sell. I used to sell a BUNCH more but since I have been so so sick I have not had the energy to keep up...so now I have about three sets up for auction on eBay. I have sent my squares to people throughout the world. Its so so much fun for me.

The last one I will show you is my lodge set. I love this set. The squares are just so beautiful and bright.

OK well I will stop posting pictures. It has been fun though. I cant find a video just yet. Maybe next time.

Today I have sent the two middle children off to school for a few hours. I was so happy a month or so ago to find a dentist that would actually schedule all four of my kids for appointments the same day. It is so frustrating to have several days of appointments because the doctor wont do more then two children a day. This dentist rocks. LOL So today, all four kids have dentist appointments. Guess whats next..???? THE EYE DOCTOR!! LOL It never ends. I am off on Fridays though so I don't have any babysitting kids and it will make it easier. I'm hoping for no cavities but I am not sure that will happen.

Ill probably post more later. TTFN!!

I edited this to say that my formating on this is terrable. :( Sheesh

Adoption update and pregnancy update!!

Things are going so well. Better then I ever thought they would. You know, I always watch those shows on TLC (Adoption story) and the birth moms seem to always find the "perfect" parents for there baby. They talk about how they just automatically clicked and had so much in common. Until a few days ago I was very discouraged. I thought that I would just have to pick a family that I knew would raise the baby wonderfully but that I didn't click with and wouldn't have a relationship with. I was so wrong...and I am so blessed to be connected with B and R. That is who I will refer to them as. I am still learning about them but so far we have a lot in common. R and I were raised in very similar situations. She is a bit younger then me but I can already tell that spiritually and emotionally she is more mature then me. I have a lot to learn from this couple who I admire so much.

On the adoption front. I talked to the worker that will head up the adoption (I will call her J). I could not believe this but she will be flying out to meet me. WHAT? How cool is that? Of course I don't know when, probably not for a while but I am excited to meet her to. She also sent me some paperwork to fill out. I have been waiting and waiting for it but it has not arrived. I am impatient. LOL As soon as I get it Ill have it filled out the same day. I have to include some information from my OB confirming the pregnancy. Not a problem at all. So here I wait and try to be patient.

On the pregnancy front. I still have to be sure to eat every few hours or I go completely downhill with sickness. I can tell my energy has picked up so that is good. I have been able to get some deep cleaning around the house done that has been driving me crazy. I have still been taking my vitamins and my one baby aspirin per day. I take the aspirin to hopefully combat the hypertension I usually get at the end. I hope this works because I have never tried it. I have lots of ligament pulling which is very painful. This is a sign to me though that my uterus is growing and of course that means the baby is growing...all good signs. I hate how fat I get during pregnancy but I just have to remember that I have taken off the weight before and I can do it again after this precious one is born. I sometimes think I feel the baby move, but then I am never sure. This is normal, and I remember having these same feelings before at this stage. I keep going back and forth on renting a baby Doppler. It would be so nice to be able t hear the baby's heartbeat at any time. There are lots of times you get worried that something is wrong and that would just get rid of any fear. Still haven't decided on the cost of it.

I was thinking about this the other day. I have not one single thing for this baby. I have not bought anything and I wont. I don't need to. LOL Its so weird but actually a HUGE relief to me. I have a spring in my step lately because I know everything is going to be OK now. I have had such a burden on me thinking about how in the world I was going to raise another baby. I would literally have to purchase a different vehicle because I have NO room left in my car and get a new place to live. Sigh!!! To much for me, along with the varied other reasons. Anyway, it feels so good to know how things are going to go and to feel good and safe about it.

Ok, there are pictures of two ultrasounds that I want to post but I dont know how to post pictures here. If anyone can give me some advice I would love it. Do I need to use something like photo bucket and then transfer the link here? Do I put the link in my post? HELP!!!

Oh my sweet Skyler!!!

I just had to post this. I don't post enough about my kids and I want to because otherwise the years go by and you forget things. My kids are not like other peoples kids. I can say this because I have observed other peoples kids and they do not act like mine. (giggle) When Chelsea was four, and I lived in Michigan I found a dear friend through my church who also had kids and we started having girlfriend time when our husbands were away. The first time I went to her house I could see how beautiful it was. Everything had a place but there were not toys to be found. She said "all the toys are downstairs in the basement, Chelsea can go down and play." I was really taken back by this as I had never let Chelsea go play any ware like that and have so much freedom...because like I said...my kids are different. So, I asked my friend "Is it child proof down there?" She assured me that it was completely safe and there was nothing she could really get into. I sighed and let my four year old go play with the other kids. About a half hour later I see Chelsea come around the corner. Now, my Chelsea has been blessed with Shirley Temple curls. They are so beautiful, just rings and rings of curls. When I saw my daughter come up the stairs, she no longer had any curls. She had managed to find the BRIGHT green, Apple scented hand soap in the bathroom and used it for hair gel. Her hair was slicked back and GREEN. She was a sight. The basement was child proof, but it was not Chelsea proof. I love Chelsea, now she is twelve (almost thirteen) and her curiosity for things she should not get into as a little tike, has now turned into a bright healthy and happy pre-teen.

Knowing that Chelsea grew out of her mischief stage. I sure hope there is hope for Skyler. I turned my back on him today to go to the bathroom and just check the email......BIG MISTAKE. When I went back to his room to check on him, he had pored a gallon (NEW gallon) of 2% milk all over his floor and lapping it up like a dog. Over to the side of the freshly pored milk was the chocolate syrup....he was about to use. THANK GOD I walked in when I did. He had a very long time out as I steam cleaned the carpet and mumbled under my breath. LOL He kept saying "sorry mom, sorry mom."

I am so thankful tonight for the steam cleaner I got for Christmas. I cant tell you how disgusting my apartment would be without it.

More tomorrow. Im off to bed.

I FOUND THEM!!!

I was so excited for Tuesday, (yesterday) because American Adoptions was going to call me back after they had received my paperwork. I was very anxious to start getting profiles in the mail so I could start looking at them. The profiles online were just not doing anything for me so my worker said she could look up profiles on my specific wants. Well early that morning I got an email from a friend telling me to check out this one couples blog. I thought "well, its worth a try." Now remembering that I have been through many many profiles online and just never felt good about any of them. I clicked on the link and as soon as there blog came up I started jumping up and down....I KNEW it was them. I started reading and it only confirmed that it was them. Everything about them was perfect. Even though I had these peoples email, I didn't want to email them prematurely. I decided to call there agency and just get the scoop on them and see if they would be interested in me. The lady was so sweet, and seemed positive about the situation. I asked her to call them and ask them if they would mind me emailing them. She did and they said yes and then I got scared. LOL I thought "what if they don't pick me?" I was scared because what I have discovered is that finding people like this were rare. They were struggling to find a baby and I was struggling to find people like them. It was a very discouraging search.

So now, we have emailed just a few times and of course I love them even more. They dont live state wide but several states away so the distance kinda stinks but we will definitely deal with it and do our communication through the computer and phone. I cant wait to share this journey with them. I am so stinking excited and it really makes me feel better about being pregnant knowing that I am growing a baby for them. How cool is that?

Oh and American Adoptions never called at all yesterday. What does that mean? Weird hugh?

Thank you God!!!!!

Thanks but no thanks!!

A funny thing happened yesterday. I talked to my ex-husband. (My first husband) This is the man whom I had three children with, grew up with, and was married to for six years. This is the man I gave my virginity to...and also the man I divorced for a variety of reasons. Regardless of our past, we are good friends. I am so thankful for this because its better for the kids to see us getting along.

Anyway, he is aware that I am going to give this baby up for adoption. When we were married and we had our third child (my precious Matthew) we decided three was enough and he got a vasectomy. So he is not able to have children yet he is living with a very young 24 year old girl. They have been together for a long time but don't want to marry.

The kicker is...he would gladly take my baby. How sweet right? I politely told him no, that I didn't want it to be like that. I also don't think he understand the cost involved with adoption. You don't just give your baby to someone. He is sweet and has grown through the years but he is NOT someone I would want my baby to go to. There are many reasons, to many to post. LOL

Thanks but no thanks. Ill post more GOOD NEWS later!!!!!

Telling the kids!!

So we had an appointment with the counselor on Friday. All five of us went in (four kids and me) and she had us do an activity first. There was a big tub of wooden blocks of different shapes and another tub of doll house furniture and little people. We were to build the house of our dreams together and then make a story of it. Basicly Chelsea and Matt were boored and didnt seem to want to participate as much. Skyler just played with the doll house stuff and then proceded to giggle as he stepped on it. Victoria was really into it and basicly built the whole house. While we were doing it the counselor took notes.

So when that was over she basicly left the floor open for me. She had decided that it was my job to tell them but she was the support system. So when it was my turn to talk I immediatly started bawling. GRRRRRRRRRRR!!! I always cry at the worst times. I generally can keep it together. So I told the kids as I was crying. Matt said he was sad but he really has not shown it at all. Chelsea (the twelve year old) said she was scarred that I was going to say something else and that she is ok. Skyler is of course three and has no idea what is going on. Victoria (the ten year old) cried her eyes out for two days. She is the one of my kids that takes EVERYTHING very seriously. She is hard for me to handle emotionally because emotionally she is just really out there and I dont know how to handle it. I have always been one of those people that are like "get over it." I am not mean to her but she really has a hard time getting over things. For example: last year MY Aunt Mary died. We were all very sad but Victoria was the SADDEST. LOL Now the thing that is funny about this is that she had only met Aunt Mary once. She could not get over the death of AM for about a month. So needless to say, she is having a hard time and everyone else is ok.

I am excited now. I can now emotionally really start preparing for this adoption process. I have told all my family and they are all supportive.

I will get a call from the agency Tuesday. By then they should have got my signed paperwork in the mail. Then I can get some more profiles in the mail. I did not like the ones they initially sent.

Kriss, I love weight watchers. My mom works for them and I believe I have about ten to fifteen of the cook books. I also just found out that I can do the weight watchers program while I am pregnant. How exciting. I might just get started on that next time I get groceries. God knows I dont need to gain any more weight. Oh and I think you (Kriss) are my only reader. LOL Thats cool, I love the support you give me. Its amazing. There is something about being supported by people you dont see every day.

The hips dont lie!!!!!

My hips are killing me. I can tell that my body is changing quickly. My bones are already starting to relax. This is very normal...and I just have to give in to it. I still don't like it all. It makes me feel better that I am growing a precious baby inside me so that I can give it to a family who cant have babies.

I get increasingly sick at night time. Its weird. I do pretty good all day as long as I eat on time, but come evening time, I do NOT feel good and I am worthless. I am pretty sure I can feel the baby here and there. I always question if it really was the baby or something else. I will be glad when I can feel the baby for sure because that how I know that he/she is OK.

Tomorrow we meet with the counselor to officially tell the kids that we are not keeping the baby. They will probably be really mad and sad but that is why I have the counselor with me.

Ill update more later.

15 Weeks and 4 days!!

I just got back from my OB appointment. I am measuring 16 weeks but the doc said that was normal. The baby's heartbeat was 138 bpm. That was so exciting to hear the baby's heartbeat.

So I decided to tell my OB that I was going to give the baby up for adoption just to prepare them for any paperwork or anything they had to do. I have no idea if they do anything but thought it would be appropriate to tell them. Well my OB sits me down and said this to me...."I don't know if you are interested but we do have a women here in the office that is infertile." I was not shocked. Lots of people want babies. I told the OB that I certainly wouldn't rule her out but that I was leery of having someone adopt my baby that was SOOOO local because it might make it harder. I told her I would take her name and her agency's name and request her profile. She said ok and went to get the information...well this girl (her name is Emily) went ahead and printed off some of her stuff from her blog and all that. I left the doctors office and was looking through the info she gave me and was sad to find out that this wonderful girl and her husband are LDS. Now I am not judging her but I really would like the parents of my baby to be the same religion as me and so it just doesn't match up.

As far as the agency I am using (American adoptions) I still have not received the package that they were to have sent me. It was signed by a J. Gonzalez but nobody in the office is named that and so it is lost. I had to have them resend it out. GRRRRRRR!!! I hate waiting. When I set my mind to something I go full force on it and I really wanted to get the ball rolling on this. Oh well, patience is something I need to practice.

More on adoption.

I was trying to find adoption stories where they were about the birth mother relinquishing there baby. I ran across this one lady's story and she happen to now work for americanadoption.com. I emailed her and she wrote me back right away and encouraged me to call the number for more info.
Well I did just that and got a lot of questions answered. My main concern was that If at all possible I wanted the father to be able to sign his rights away before the baby was born so that I was assured that I could go through with this. Well in my state (Colorado) you can not sign your rights away before the baby is born. GRRRRRR!!!! I learned that people looking to adopt are taking a HUGE emotional risk. They are really given no certainty that the baby will be signed over by both birth parents. It amazes me. The lady from the agency said that the potential adoptive parents are aware of the risk. On one hand it makes me feel so good that these wonderful people are putting up so much financially and emotionally, but to them the risk is worth it to get a child that they have been dreaming of. I am so crushed and disappointed that I cant get the birth father out of the picture. Im so afraid he is going to ruin everything.

I also found out that there is some financial compensation for me as far as groceries and gas money. This floored me because I am absolutely not looking to get anything financially. I just want someone to give my baby a good loving home. But again it is amazing and just another sign on how serious these people are about receiving a child.

I did call the sperm doner today just to clarify where his heart was on this whole thing and to let him know my intentions. Last time I talked to him he said he was working with a lawyer to get the paperwork together to sign his rights away before the baby is born. After calling the agency today and finding out that you can not do that in the state of Colorado, I am sad to see that he is still lying to me. Why cant this man be truthful for once in his life? This is so damn important. This is someones life we are talking about and it is not a game. No...its not just the baby's life...its the two people that could be the parents of my baby's life that I am talking about. I am prepared to give my baby up for adoption but I am not prepared for this man to ruin someones hopes and dreams.

Do I go for it and hope that he is telling the truth? Logically I know that it is the best decision for me and my kids to go for adoption. So now what?

The agency is sending me a packet tomorrow with 25 profiles in it. I am excited to get it and get started. I just wish I know how it would end up.

Its Sunday!!

The weekends go by so fast. We are going to church today. Chelsea has nursery duty so I make sure to go to church at least twice a month so she can do that. She likes to do it and I am proud of her because it can be hard sometimes.

Since I have been pregnant I have been having strange and weird dreams. I usually don't remember my dreams at all so its weird to have them. I'm surprised I even remember my dreams because I really feel like I am up every two hours to go pee. I go to the bathroom so often that I have a hard time keeping toilet paper in my house. LOL I guess it means I am not dehydrated. As far as the pregnancy goes, I am still feeling (most of the time but not all the time) pretty blaw. Its not as bad as before so I can tell that I am starting to get out of it...but it is still there and can be discouraging. I do think I feel the baby moving sometimes especially if I am sitting down...I can feel him/her jumping on my bladder. I think that's only because I have had so many babies and I know how it feels.

My (ex) sister-in-law's birthday is coming up so I needed to find her a present. She wanted a pair of g*oucho pants but she is unable to find them at any local store. The people tell us that they are not in style anymore. GRRRR!! So I found them online and bought her a pair. I hope they are here in time.

I bought the movie "The Notebook" from Target last night. I got it on sale for seven dollars and fifty cents. I just love that movie. Such a heart warming movie. When I was watching it (with Chelsea the twelve year old) I told her that I pray she finds her one man that she can fall in love with and grow old with someday. I pray that she doesn't use my mistakes as examples and finds her own path. I have not been a good example for my kids as far as men go. I hope now that I have learned such a hard lesson that I can turn my own life around and really set a Godly example for my kids as far as relationships with men and women go. I want them to have a better life then I have.

I have also been looking for a new place to live. I currently live in an apartment and my laundry facility is not in my home. It has started to be a huge pain in my butt. I am also in a not so good school district. I like the schools but I don't like the kids. I don't know where it will take me but I am hoping for a different place to live and a home with washer and dryer inside. I will be a happy momma.

Then, the last question is...do I get a three bedroom or four. I just don't know what the future holds.

Waiting is so hard.

First post for the new year!!!! 2009

I really think this new year is going to bring new and great things. I have noticed that I have a lot of anxiety and I'm uneasy a lot. I have been thinking a lot about why and have come to some conclusions. One is that I am not very organized. I am not a clutter bug so I don't have a lot of junk but I cant seem to stay up on the house. I know that I have been really sick (still am but not so bad) but I feel like if I am going to get rid of this anxiety then I need to put some order in my life. I have decided to make a schedule of cleaning for myself. I think if I deep clean one room per day and then just tidy the rest of the house then it should get done and stay done. I also have all these wonderful children that should be helping but I find that they don't do so very much. I think a schedule for them is in order also. I update on that later.

My mom approached me the other day and she said she has a friend that has two friends that were adopted and would like to meet with me to tell me how wonderful there adoption experience was. I was a little taken back by her friends approach. I told my mom that I had no doubt that adoption was a wonderful and beautiful thing. I am not afraid of adoption but I am not ready to talk to openly to others about this situation. First of all, I am not sure that I will even have a choice (to adopt or not to adopt out my baby) in the matter. The father of this baby is very unpredictable and even though he said he was going to get the paperwork together to sign his rights away, I cant believe it till I see it. So although it is a possibility, it is not my decision yet and I told my mom that I would have to decline the invitation to talk to these kind people. I know they are only trying to help. Right now though, this is so private to me.

I'm not sure if you get my messages Kriss. I do comment to your blogs but it never posts on your thing as a comment. I want you to know I get your messages. You are so sweet. Your comments mean so much to me. (hugs)

My mom is not doing well. She has MS and she has some back injuries from many different things (falling and the MS). The doctors currently can not find the source of the pain so she suffers with severely debilitating pain. She struggles to stand up for more then three minutes. I think about her every day. There is nothing I can do to ease her pain, so the only thing I can do is clean her house or do whatever it is she cant. Ill be going over there tomorrow to try and make things simpler for her and clean out some closets and put a few things for sale on Craig's list. Please Jesus, help my mom. There is nothing worse then seeing a loved one hurt so much and then not be able to do anything about. It makes you want to ring those doctors necks. GRRRRRR!!