Part 5: The search....

Adoption: Part 5 The search…

A few days went by and I finally received my package in the mail. Inside this envelope I was SURE contained the profile of my baby’s future parents. I sat on the couch and opened the big brown envelope. I was so excited. This was a BIG moment. 

The envelope contained 25 profiles. That’s 25 families that were looking to find a child. I pulled out the papers and started looking through them. The families looked so happy. Some of them had dogs, some had big houses, some had small houses. Some of the families had kids and some didn’t have kids. I preferred for the family I was going to pick to have kids. I didn’t want my son to be an only child. I had always loved that my kids always had playmates and I wanted that for my son. 

As I flipped through the profiles I saw a lot of people filled with hope and love. I read letters from these wonderful families promising a life full of love and happiness. There were moms with blond hair and moms with brown hair. I tried desperately to look into each one of these potential parents eyes, looking for some spark within myself that said “There they are,” or “I found them.” But something was wrong. I looked through the 25 profiles many many times. I thought for sure out of 25 profiles something would stand out, someone would catch my eye. But it didn’t happen. 

I sat on the couch for a long time trying to figure out what was going on and then it hit me. I was scared. In all my research on adoption, especially adoption in Colorado, I knew that the birth father could not sign his rights away until after the baby was born. I didn’t realize how this was nagging on my heart. How could I possibly pick parents for my baby and get these precious peoples hopes up when Im not even sure that Ron was going to agree to this adoption thing. As much as I want him out of my life this was not just my decision. Before I chose parents for my child, and before I could even pick a profile I had to talk to Ron. I had to know that he was going to cooperate. 

I picked up the phone and dialed his number. 

He answered right away, “hello.”

“Hello Ron, this is Rebekah.”

“Hello, how are you feeling?”  he asked actually sounding concerned.

I had not spoken to him in weeks. We had no reason to talk and he apparently had no reason to call me either. 

“Listen Ron, Ive been thinking a lot about this adoption thing that you mentioned…and I think that’s the road I am going to go down. I really want to go ahead and pick parents for our baby but I don’t want to do that and get their hopes up if you don’t agree with my decision.  How do you feel about it?”

I was scared to death. I had no idea if he would agree to this. He could completely disagree and want to fight for custody. How did that work? What If I wanted to give the baby up for adoption and the dad didn’t? What If I signed the adoption paperwork giving up my rights and he didn’t? Did that mean he would get the baby? I was so confused and I waited impatiently for his answer. 

“Rebekah, I have no intentions of sharing this baby with you. If we kept the baby I know it would just be a bunch of court battles and lawyers fees. I too think that adoption is the best answer. Ill sign the papers.”

Relief!!!!!

Later that day I sat down again and looked through my 25 profiles. I read over them over and over again but again nothing popped out at me.  They all had nice smiles and nice houses and so much to offer but I just didn’t connect. Frustrated, I put the pile down and just put it aside frustrated. Why couldn’t I just make a decision? 

Not one week after my frustrating search for my baby’s parents I received an email from a fellow blogger girlfriend. I remember her email vividly. Her email went something like this:

“Hello Rebekah. I have been following your blog and I really hope I am not overstepping your boundaries here but I have a friend who is looking to adopt a baby and I thought you might be interested. I don’t want to tell you what to do but are you interested in checking them out? She has a blog and I could send you the link.”

I was clearly frustrated with the whole process. I thought it would be more fun but it was turning into a nightmare.  I was glad she wrote me and I told her to send over the link to her blog. I was a good way for me to get a good behind the scenes look before I decided on anything. 

After the kids went to bed that night I decided to check out the link my friend sent me. In my mind I wasn’t expecting much….but when I clicked on the link what went through my heart is indescribable.

  I loved them instantly.

There was something in their eyes that you couldn’t ignore. I knew I couldn’t make my decision until I knew more so I kept reading. I loved everything I read. It was like peering into their hearts. They had love and passion and most importantly they had faith. 

I desperately wanted to meet them or talk to them or something. I didn’t know what the etiquette was with adoption and I wanted to do it right so I decided to contact their agency instead of contacting them directly. I figured that was the best choice and the agency would tell me what to do from there. They did not live in my state and I wasn’t sure if this would even be possible…but my heart told me I had to try. I wanted them to pick me. 

The process was fast…the agency immediately contacted the couple and let them know that they would be hearing from me through email. They advised we communicate through email, at least for a couple weeks. 

I was so nervous. I had the “go” from the agency to email them but I was so scared. What if they didn’t pick me. What if I wasn’t the one they were looking for? I liked them so much. I at least had to try.  Here is my first email to them. I sent it with my hands shaking…hoping it would be well received.

“Hello Rebekah. This is Rebekah. LOL I was amazed to find someone with the same name and same spelling as you. I love your blog. Its amazing to see and feel all those raw feelings with you. I am a birth mother. I found you and your blog through another on-line friend. I am 17 weeks pregnant with a baby(of course LOL). I dont know what it is yet but I will find out in about three weeks. I really loved you and your husbands profile on your agency's website. I have contacted them and got some more information and they are sending me some paperwork to fill out. You and your husband are my number one pick...but I am not sure that I will be your pick. Here are the reasons why......1st...it doesnt sound like you want an open adoption. I really need to have an open adoption because of my children. I have four children ages twelve ten nine and three. Its hard enough for them to focus on the fact that I am not keeping this baby, and so I just think that getting letters and pictures and emails could possibly help them. I in no way would want to interfere on your life, I would not even want it to be open for myself...but for the kids. I want you to have all the privacy you could possibly have when you bring your precious baby home. Certainly if you pick me, we could talk about what you would be comfortable with. Does that make sense? 2nd I do not live in Michigan. I live in Colorado Springs, Colorado. I was not sure how you would feel about the distance of travel and such. I thought that might be a problem. I was originally going through American Adoptions, but of course you are not going through them so I called your agency. I wanted to contact them first because I wasnt sure that you would pick me. I am still not sure and if you dont feel like I am a good match for you then please let me know and I will move in a different direction. I sure hope to hear from you soon. In His Love, Rebekah " I waited for their response. I really really wanted them to pick me. I needed them...I needed them to raise my baby. So I waited for a response.  Click here for Part 6!