A gift??

A gift? Did I give Ty as a gift? Did Rebekah send me all those Christmas gifts to be boastful and brag about her (as someone else put it) "perfect little life"?

Weird questions hugh? Let me put my thoughts to those questions. Why? Because it seems that there is so much judgment out there in the blog world that I just have to put my two cents in.....because its my blog and I need to get it off my chest.

Was Ty a gift to Rebekah and Ben? Honestly....no!! He was not a gift that I packaged up with a pretty little bow and gave as a present. He is a baby....a person....a sweet soul...but never a gift that I gave......but....that only describes my side of it. My relinquishment of Ty was something that I felt I had to do....but in the process of it all the word "gift" would come into play quite often. Discouragement was a constant before I found Rebekah and Ben. I really thought that I would never find acceptable parents for my baby. Every profile I looked at looked the same...said the same thing...nothing special...I almost gave up. When I found Rebekah and Ben through R's blog....I certainly felt that I had been given a gift....the gift of finding two people that I felt deserved the title and the job of being my sons parents. So no...I did not give Ty as a gift...but I received a gift in the form of Rebekah and Ben. In turn, my relinquishment of Ty to R and B (in their eyes) was a gift. And I just have to say this. If Rebekah and Ben want to refer to Ty as a gift...then so be it...because truly...to them...HE IS A GIFT FROM GOD, NOT FROM ME...FROM GOD and I agree with this 100 percent!!! Does that make sense?

There are so many people out there that are being judgmental and mean...and its all over stupid words. WHO THE HECK CARES if adoptive parents want to refer to their precious children as gifts? I'm the one who gave him up...I'm the one who decided not to parent. Certainly a certain level of respect should be had as far as birth mothers feelings. Everyone knows how fragile a birth mom can be even YEARS after her relinquishment...but goodness gracious do we have to be so petty over words like "gift." Gifts are good...and the Bible says "Every good and perfect gift is from above." That makes my heart happy. I could never take credit for Ty's life...I didn't create him or make him...yes I chose to bring him into this world but that's about it...and that's not much. All credit goes to God and if anyone reads Rebekah's blog...she ALWAYS gives credit to God...the giver of life...and the creator of Ty.

Sheesh!!!!!! I just get so mad when someone so beautiful inside and out gets battered and disrespected.

Did Rebekah send me all those gifts and then post them on her blog to brag and take all the credit?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!!!! Rebekah and Ben didn't buy a single gift for little Ty because they wanted to use all their resources for me and my kids. They don't owe me anything....not a phone call...email....or penny....yet they continue to bless me and my kids...and invite us into their lives with open arms. I could care less what other people think about Rebekah motives. Never ever ever ever did I think that she was ever boasting or bragging by posting it on her blog. She shares things with the blog world because she considers her readers friends. In fact....when another blog reader COMPLETELY TRASHES HER on their blog...she comments on it and apologizes for hurting any ones feelings. It leaves me to believe that what we are dealing with is another very hurt birth mother.

The bottom line is...I am not hung up on silly little things like words. I know my sweet Rebekah's heart. I know that what she and Ben did for us this Christmas was done with the utmost grace and love.

This was said by another birth mother and consequently the one who is trashing Rebekah..."Women like me often don't have a voice at all. It is difficult for anyone to know how women who have relinquished really feel because nobody really wants to hear any of that." This really frustrates me. Sure, maybe WAY back when adoptions were completely closed and birth mothers were ignored and pushed to the side...but times have changed. Never in my whole "birth mother" experience have I ever been pushed to the side or ignored. We live in such a different world now. No longer are us "birthmothers" tossed to the side as just the person who gave birth to a baby....people WANT to hear what we have to say...WE MOST CERTAINLY HAVE A VOICE...and for once people are actually listening to us. Unless you are a hermit crab in your house and have absolutly NO means of reaching out....there is help. Bithmothers are held in high regard these days...its because people are discovering the importance of keeping in contact with the birth mother for the child sake. Come on now.....am I making sense here?

I am not a great writer like Rebekah. She is a great swooner with her words. She can move a person to tears or laughter in a moment....she has a great gift of writing. Ill tell you now...when her book comes out...and it will some day...it will provide a great window to open adoption for many people. I will be first in line to buy one...or ten.

Good night!!!

Still so busy but......

My good friend did me a HUGE favor and took my Matthew for two days this week. Victoria and Matt have been fighting like cats a dogs (literally) and can not be left home alone all day...so S took him which takes a big load off my shoulders. I'm so grateful.

In the meantime....S also has a precious little girl who was born only three days before Ty. I love going to her house...not only because she is wonderful company but because I can get me some baby time in. Check out this little bundle of love...




It was a great visit...even though it was short. Chelsea was sitting across from me and I made sure to point out that baby girl was only three days older then Ty. Chelsea seemed very interested in that information and asked to hold her. I'm hoping that she warms up to the idea of spending time with Ty when he comes. We will see what happens.

In the meantime...I got my baby fix....it was so much fun!!! Isn't she cute???????

So So busy!!

Since Christmas and then going back to work, I feel like a chicken with her head cut off. When things settle down, I will be back to blogging. In the meantime....here is a fun tidbit of our wonderful Christmas. This video cracks me up. Happy New Year everyone!!!!!!!!!! Notice that my four year old (Skyler) has makeup on and a pound full of hair spray in his hair. If you look very close you can see that his nails are painted....all thanks to Chelsea (the thirteen year old). Sigh!!

Oh sweet baby Ty!

Six months ago I gave birth to a little boy who stole my heart. Ill be honest, I tried not to love him to much while he was inside me. I was afraid of getting hurt...I knew he wouldn't be mine for long. I told myself I was just a surrogate for Rebekah and Ben and that held my feelings at bay for a short time. Then....he was born....and the flood gates of love poured out of my heart. How could I not love something that came from me?

That is an interesting statement in itself..."How could I not love something that came from me?" Rebekah and I talk often, be it through email, text, or phone calls. I think its safe to say that we both enjoy our time together (although from a distance) equally. I love hearing about Ty and her joy in being a mom...and her surprise at the challenges it brings...but mostly I love hearing how full her heart is...and all because of the love of a little boy. My love for Ty is the same love Rebekah has for him. We share an incredible bond...me through biology...and her as his ever present mommy. I love how our adoption story has formed. I don't feel like a birth mom....it feels more like a family member calling to check up on another family member. Its natural...nice...warm...perfect.

Chelsea, my thirteen year old, said something the other day that floored me. I didn't know what to tell her except the truth. I had gone to the mall and found a Christmas ordainment for the kids Grandma. On it said "grandchildren." I thought it would be a perfect Christmas present for Grandma and Grandpa and so I had all the grand kids names inscribed on each little space...leaving one out in case the kids Auntie happened to get pregnant one day. I brought it home and showed the kids and it was then that Chelsea said "why isn't Tyrus' name on it?" My heart sank. I said "well honey, he isn't Grandma's grandson." She said "Yes he is mom, hes our blood to so he is her Grandson...adoption or not."

What do you say to a broken hearted little girl who lost her brother....who we don't really refer to as her brother anymore....just a missing piece of the puzzle in her life. It breaks my heart. I feel at peace with all that has happened...but my children still struggle. I don't know how to fix it...except to hope that with time...God will repair the wounds I have caused in my children's hearts.

Love is a funny thing. It can lift you up...or break you down. In our case...our love for Ty has done both....but I pray in time....my children will grow to understand the true meaning of love...and with that understanding they will see why Ty is not with us.

Christmas will be wonderful this year. Rebekah and Ben's family and friends have showered us with gifts. I started crying when I read a note her sister wrote me...it said "Thank you for allowing Rebekah the chance to be a mom, for me to be an auntie, and for my daughter N to be a cousin." WOW!! And all I have to say to that is....Thank you to everyone that loves Ty. I never have to worry about him...I never wonder if he is OK. He is wrapped in so much love and attention that he will never want. Some day, if he needs to talk to me...I will be here for him...but for now and for all the rest of his life...I know he will never need to walk far for loving arms to be wrapped around him. So thank YOU to everyone...especially Rebekah and Ben....for everything.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My cork board!

I have a cork board in my kitchen. It was a house warming gift from my best friend...and it has been one of my favorite posetions. It has displayed everything from spelling tests with 100% on them to love letters from my wonderful children, to birthday cards and school scedules. I walk by my board at least 50 times a day so whatever is on it is constantly in my view.

This weekend I received five wonderful boxes. I was shocked to receive so many boxes...in fact...it was funny because I chose to go collect the boxes(that were delivered to my appartment complex office) during a free community breakfast in the appartment office. To my surprise, because of the amount of boxes, several of the people from the "free" community breakfast helped me take them to my car. How sweet!!

Just tonight I was able to actually unload these boxes. I had opened them and made sure they were all in tact but didnt actually unload them until tonight. I have to share who they are from and what was in them.

Here is what was in the boxes....

I unloaded the most beautifully wrapped presents I have ever seen. They are so pretty that I almost couldnt bare to open them, but of course, we will open them(and I actually cant wait). Arnt they pretty? They are not under the tree yet, primarily because of little Skyler who might not be able to keep himself from peeking. So they are safely displayed in my closet for the next few days. (grin)

Next I uncovered this.....which was actually hanging loosely from a Christmas present, and because it was not secured tightly...I decided that I just had to use it now....because...you know....it wasnt secured to the package well enough and there is no way to put it back...ummmmm....so Im just going to use it. LOL


Although the presents are so beautiful, what I uncovered next was the most precious to me. I found a hand full of cards from Rebekah and Ben and Ty, and a hand full of people that I dont even know. Inside each card was a picture of each family who helped purchase all these wonderful gifts and a picture of the families to go with it. Some wished me a Merry Christmas and a blessing for the new year, and some shared their life stories with me. I was very moved...even to tears. I sat on my hiney in my closet reading every word on these wonderful cards and letters.

It was then that I decided that my cork board needed a make over. I carefully took down the spelling tests, and the love letters from my kids and the school scedules....and instead I displayed all these wonderful cards and letters and pictures from these wonderful people, who dont even know me, but chose to bless me. Thank you to each family who shared so much with me this Chritmas season. It means more to me then you know.

So this Christmas season, and probably for many days into the new year, my cork board is once again filled with warm caring faces, words, and pictures. My life is full!!!

My cork board!!!

No title...just pictures!

The kids just had their eyes dilated at the eye doctor and that's why they are waring those big glasses. We had fun afterwards at IHOP. This guy was there making fun balloons. Great entertainment!!!

Im so excited....and I just cant hide it!!!

So many wonderful things have been going on in my life. God has blessed me immensely through a new job and many other things. Life is certainly busy lately with all of us adjusting to mom being at work more now. But, we are adjusting and it is working out perfectly. I'm still a little behind financially from not making much money at the maids job but within two to three weeks I will be out of my financial hole and be able to actually save some money. WHOOPPEEE!!!

I have every Friday off. Today I was looking forward to a nice leisurely day at home, filled with cleaning up the house and cooking meals to freeze for next week(thanks to you all from this post, for giving me some great ideas). Staying home was not meant to be. Matthew called and said he has an ear ache. Does anyone know if ear infections are contagious? Remember not long ago in this post(a few days to be exact) how Skyler was very sick and had an ear infection?

Its all good though. I want him to feel better so very soon I will be packing up me and Skyler and taking Matt to the doctor. Be assured that I will not be going to the urgent care with the NAZI nurse this morning.

I'm very very excited. As a child I had just a hand full of heroes. I was very strong in my relationship with the Lord and I attended a very large church which afforded many opportunities to meet my hero's. Let me introduce two of them to you. The first one is Dave Roever. I read his book over and over again and was even able to meet him in person. Click on his name to find out what an amazing man of God he is and how God used him in miraculous ways.

My second hero is Nicky Cruz. He has also been used of God in such extra ordinary ways. I also read his book "Run baby Run" many many times as a teen and young child. You can click on his name to learn more about him. The exciting part is he is coming HERE this weekend and I get to go see him. I saw one of his crusades when I was a small child and not old enough to know what is going on...so you better believe I will be there with bells on this Sunday. I pray that my kids lives are enriched with this mans story the way mine has been.