Money from a birth mothers perspective!

Ive wanted to post about this for a while. I am trying to blog about every aspect of the adoption from my point of view as I can in hopes it will help others through their journey.

Money...when you put the word money and adoption together...most people just cringe. I know I do now.

I never thought about money when I first decided on adoption. From a personal standpoint...I was OK. I had a good job, made plenty of money to support my children, and had medical insurance to cover all my medical expenses. Beyond that, money didn't cross my mind. I thought Id pick the parents, have the baby, hand him over, and wala, everything will be fine. Boy was I wrong.

Things took a drastic turn for me during my pregnancy with Ty. I made my money by babysitting out of my home. When I got pregnant "out of wedlock," the family I worked for fired me because I was immoral, and I was left with nothing. The birth father owed me money, and refused to pay me so I knew he was going to be no help, and with me so pregnant I didn't see any chance at getting a job.

Before I got fired, and I was comfortable financially, the agency would regularly ask me if I was OK financially and I would tell them that I was fine but if anything came up I would let them know. I was told by my case worker early on that she could get me anything I needed, including 300 dollars worth of maternity clothes, money for food, and if needed, I could request that ALL my rent be paid each month up until a month after the baby was born. I was appalled. (remember I'm just being honest about what I felt) I didn't know EXACTLY how much this adoption was costing B and R but I knew it was up near 20,000 and so in my mind, for me to ask for anything from them was just not going to happen. In fact, I posted this blog here, and talked about how I would "never" ask R and B for extra money. So when I lost my job and wasn't sure what area to turn to I felt forced to talk to Rebekah about this. She was so sweet and told me that if I need anything then they would be happy to help me out. There was no way I was going to ask for ALL of my rent...that's near eight hundred dollars a month and really I didn't need all of my rent paid (child support covered a bit of it) I just need a small bit of money to get me through the rest of the pregnancy. Everything had to go through the agency so I told my case worker how much I thought I needed and they again told me that it would be OK if I wanted ALL my rent paid. They said that some girls (birth moms) don't need the money for the rent but they take it anyway and put it into savings for after baby was born. My thoughts were "I would really like R and B to be able to have some money left over to RAISE my son, thank you very much." SHEESH!!! Its bad enough that they are being robbed(IMO)of precious money just to get a baby, what happens to people after baby comes home and they are just leaked dry financially. Its maddening.

I don't really know where I am going with this. I just remember the money thing being a HUGE stress for me. I remember the agency presenting these options to me as if they were free to me...and maybe they were free to me but they were not free to R and B and that really stressed me out. I understand that I was giving my baby away and that it was OK for me to accept things in order for the pregnancy to go smoothly and I in no way want to discourage other birth moms from taking what they need from their adoptive parents...I am just saying that in my situation, I really felt a weirdness about the whole thing. Maybe it was because I was so close to Rebekah and Ben, maybe it was because I wasn't prepared for all that was involved...I'm not sure.

At one point I had to sign a paper stating that if I did accept any help financially that if I changed my mind in the end, then I would be responsible to pay back all moneys given to me. That scared me...not because I was going to change my mind, but because I had NO idea how the end would turn out with the birth father. It was so scary to me NOT to really know how it was all going to go. I didn't have any other options as far as taking the money each month, but I knew that if anything bad happened and I had to come home with a baby because the birth father was a jerk, I could never pay that money back. I hated the thought of hurting anybody. Can I just tell you I was STRESSED out? LOL

Thank God everything turned out good. I still hate that I said here that I would never take any money and then later had to EAT my words. (sigh) But I think, because of the way it turned out, everything is OK.

The reason I blogged about this was to give my perspective on this area of adoption. I should have been open to the help when needed and let my guilt fade away. I should have not spoken to soon about never taking help and just let things go as they needed to. Sometimes I have a hard time asking for help and I let it show. So there you have it.
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On a side note. Can I just say that I am OVERWHELMED? This single mom thing is really really hard. I'm in tears tonight thinking about how on earth I am going to make all of this work, and Im not talking about money. I need some cyber hugs tonight for sure. I also want to say I am sorry for not leaving comments on all your blogs. I do read them and you are all so important to me and have been there for me through so much. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did I just say that?

Another fellow blogger had this great idea. Being a mother is nothing short of hilarious sometimes. Here are some of the things Ive caught myself saying:

Well, if you wouldn't pick the dog up by the tail she wouldn't bite you.

Please stop playing in the trash can.

Yes that is your penis, please put your under ware back on.

No you can not ride down the bike trail. Because its 35 miles long and someone might take you. Yes I know you are big and strong but I would miss you if someone did take you despite your superhero powers.

It doesn't work because there are no batteries in it. We have to buy some at the store. Yes I know...it doesn't work...yes we need batteries...from the store...Yes son...we've been over this...I know it doesn't work and we need batteries. (sigh)

You want some chocolate milk? OK Ill get you some...oh...you don't want it now...well you don't have to have the chocolate milk but I thought you asked for it. Well if you don't want chocolate milk what do you want? Chocolate milk? (sigh) OK, Ill get it.

Why is there poo in the toilet with no toilet paper? Who did it? (no answer) OK everyone go get your showers.

Yes I know the car doesn't work because we need batteries. (uggg) Its not going to start working just because you are shaking it. Stop shaking the car, your going to break it.

The dog doesn't like it when you pull her up by her ear. I'm not going to feel sorry for you when she bites you again. I told you not to do that. Yes that is a dog bite. She bit you because you tried to pull her ear off.

Stop picking your nose...and DON'T EAT YOUR BOOGERS!! Get a tissue for Gods sake!!

No we are not going to eat cereal for dinner. Yes I know we did last night but we are not going to tonight.

The dog bit you again....you deserve it.

Did you just pee on the floor? Why did you pee on the floor. How many times do I have to tell you to pee on the toilet? Its yucky to have pee on the floor.

No you may not use a hammer to fix your bike.

Its normal to start getting hair there. No it doesn't mean your weird, and yes every body else has hair there to.

You shaved your face? Is that why your lip is bleeding? Do NOT shave your face. What the heck did you think you were doing?

Stop it!!

Quit making that noise. That is a horrible noise. Ive never heard such a horrible noise. What animal are you trying to imitate? Well quit.

Yes those are mommy's boobs. NO you may not poke at them.

Yes....I know we need batteries!!!

STOP!!!

You swallowed a button? What in the heck made you do something like that? No you are not going to die. Settle down, your not going to die. Here let me help you. Ive got some button melting medicine (ahem which is actually a chewable Tylenol but a three year old doesn't know that). You feel the button melting....well good. All better now. Now no more putting buttons in your mouth.

And I leave you with a picture of me and Skyler when he was just a newborn....AHEM before he could talk. LOL

Play on from Rebekah's blog....

I was so excited to see that Rebekah had a new blog post today. I LOVE her updates and although we do communicate beyond the blog world...we do use our blogs to keep in touch with each other and I love it.

Tonight I put the kids to bed in preparation for a six hour cleaning job I have tomorrow...I sat down at the computer and started doing my nightly checks on all my favorite blogs...and of course Rebekah was one of them, and I read these words...."When I look at Ty, I do not see someone else's son. I see my son."

Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized something...something really extraordinary to me...When I look at Ty, I don't see my son, I see Rebekah and Ben's son. I realize that those words might be really hard for people to understand, particularly other birth mothers. They might be thinking "How can she say that? He is her son." But you see when I gave Ty to R and B, I not only gave them a baby, but I gave them MY place as his mother. There was more then one gift involved.

I do love Ty, and for me to be so open about my feelings on this is really hard because for me to say that I don't feel like his mother almost makes me feel like I am betraying him in some weird sort of way, but in my mind I know I am not and that he has no idea I'm feeling this way at all. Its just how it feels in my heart. It doesn't mean that I don't long to be near him and it doesn't mean that I am walking away. It doesn't mean that he holds less importance to me and it doesn't mean that I didn't want him...it just means that because of the choices I made for him, his place in my life is different. He will never call me mom because I am not his mom, he has a wonderful mother...but I do play a very special roll in his life and he has a special place in my heart.

Things couldn't be better for baby Ty and his family. It has turned out exactly how I pictured it would. I used to day dream that Rebekah would call me and I would talk to her about my kids and she would tell me about her son. You know what? That's exactly what we do. Its amazing to be part of Ty's life in this way. Its like two friends talking...but yet...because of who I am (his birth mom) it is WAY more special to me and I feel so blessed to be able to be so involved.

With all of that said...sometimes I do still get sad. Even though I don't feel like his mother I do feel a bond to him, and even though I was only with him for a short time...I do miss him and I am glad I miss him...its good and healthy and I never want to forget all that I have been through.

I'm not sure that anything I have written here tonight makes sense. I have never been good at putting my thoughts into words. The words never seem to come out exactly the way I want them to...but I try.

Ive never stolen anything in my life...but I'm about to do so tonight....its a picture. Rebekah posted this on her blog and It is so amazingly cute that I just had to steal it...I don't think she will mind. LOL I also had to (again) compare how close Ty and my Victoria (now eleven years old) look alike. I am beside myself on how much alike they look. Now Ty is almost three months and Victoria was a year in this picture so they are not the same age but still....sheesh!!
Baby Victoria!!

Baby Tyrus!!

Just another day in paradise??

My day begins HOPEFULLY before the children wake up. Most mornings I am graced with little Skyler screaming for his chocolate NULK (Skyler talk for milk). But most days the cell phone alarm goes off at six o'clock and I scramble out of bed, eyes half opened, and TRY to get a pot of coffee started. Usually I am thinking about how Ill never drink this whole pot by myself and soon I need to invest in one of those one to two cup coffee pots since its just me.

I put the coffee on and run to my room and switch the computer on to see if I have any interesting emails, usually I don't, but its worth a try. I check facebook, listen to the coffee brewing still hoping that the kids stay in bed a few minutes longer so I can maybe have one cup of coffee before the day starts. Then I remember that if Skyler sleeps to long into the morning (even six o'clock is to late) he will pee in his diaper and it WILL leak onto his bed. I decide that I am going to risk it and enjoy my one cup of coffee that now has finished brewing.

Six thirty rolls around and now comes the task of waking up the two middle children who's bus comes at seven twenty. Normally I would release them to walk to the bus stop (which is a short walk across the field and totally visible from my back porch) early, however, they have proven to me that in a few short minutes, they are capable of getting into quite a bit of trouble. So the new rule is they stay home as long as possible and wait it out till the bus comes. This also includes Chelsea (the eighth grader who takes a different bus at a later time but likes to go to the bus with her brother and sister so she can hang out with the "boys") who recently got into a verbal altercation with a lady who is twice her age because Chelsea thinks she is an adult and so she told an adult off. So, needless to say, the children do not go to the bus early.

Ahem...I left off at six thirty. The children are woken up (after about fifteen minutes of re waking them up). Luckily we get showers the night before and so all the kids have to do is get dressed, brush their teeth, get the back packs ready and shoes on. This sounds easy but it is not. I seriously have to post a "before school check list" for the kids because it truly drives me crazy to have to question the children each morning...

"Did you brush your teeth?"
"MOOOOMMMMM! You tell me to do that every morning."
"Well sweetheart, If you did it without me telling you then I wouldn't have to tell you then now would I?"
"OK mom!"

Two kids down...two to go. Time to clean up the bed full of pee and the baby full of pee but of course he isn't really a baby now is he? But he does still ware a diaper to bed, I just wish they would last the night. I think "I really need to cut off his drinking at seven o'clock....but then again I could wake him up earlier and make him pee." UGGG!! To much to think about so I just clean up the pee. Chelsea is on the computer again. I hate that. Any chance she gets she gets on the computer so I have had to make some rules. The new rules are that she isn't allowed on the computer until she is COMPLETELY ready for school or bed...whatever time of the day it happens to be.

I regress again....so she is on the computer and I worry...and I think "what is she doing on there? Is she talking to boys again? What are they talking about? I want her off the computer...it doesn't seem safe...but I don't want to be an overbearing mom." See the battles I have in my head. They are constant, and on going, never ending and they are soon to drive me to the loony bin.

Eight o'clock rolls around and I get Chelsea off to school. Some how in the middle of all the crazy "getting the kids ready for school" business, I have to get myself and my last child (little Sky) out the door so that I can get to work. But I have not made time to eat breakfast. I am a maid, so for me to leave the house without breakfast is not smart. I NEED food to get me through the three to four hours of hard core cleaning or I wont make it. So, usually I eat the lunch I packed for breakfast, while driving, leaving me with no lunch but of course I will worry about that later.

Grab my stuff, grab my son, hope he doesn't have to pee in the fifteen minute drive to day care (he has no diaper on just big boy undies) try to remember if I am forgetting anything and walk to the jeep.

Arrive at day care, go in and hope that Sky does OK for the day. I'm wondering if he has extra clothes because no matter how good Sky pees at home, at day care he has one or two accidents and I just cant figure out why. I kiss my little guy good bye and I'm off to work.

Rebekah is my name and cleaning is my game. I do enjoy my job but it is very very hard work. By the time I am done (because of my weight) I am beat. My feet hurt and my legs hurt and I walk about ten times slower then I did when I started. Its quite a work out. When cleaning time is over I head straight home....wait for the kids to get home from the bus (which is usually about five minutes after I get home)...and basically start the morning routine over again but in reverse, just throw in a meal...a lot of clean up and a few dirty kids and its sort of the same.

I'm exhausted when eight o'clock rolls around. I truly have nothing left in me and tend to be a bit crabby (which I'm trying to watch). I try to remember that I am the one that sets the mood of the house and If I am irritated and punchy, then the children will be as well...and that's not a good thing. It leads to all kinds of problems. LOL

Needless to say, our days are very busy, disorganized, and I worry a lot about the choices I make. I'm not talking about the big decisions you have to make for your kids, I'm talking about the teeny weeny little decisions you have to make on an HOURLY basis that make a HUGE impact in your children's future. Those are the ones I worry about. I find my mind wondering all the time to things like "Am I doing this parenting thing right? Am I screwing up my kids? How Can I make Victoria loose weight so she doesn't get teased? Why is Matt so angry? Why is Chelsea so boy crazy? Is that cut on Skyler's foot infected? I need to take Matt to the doctor for his asthma. What? Chelsea has a dance? Is she kissing boys at school? I never went to dances. Will she be touching boys at this dance...will they be touching her? Am I doing this right...am I screwing up my kids?....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! It drives me crazy.

Paradise? I don't think so...but...and there is always a but...anyone who is a mother would back me up...I wouldn't have it any other way, well thats not entirely true...I would change the fact that I am a single mom. God did NOT design parenting to be for one person...its just not normal. So If I could change anything it would be to add a wonderful, loving, honest, hard working, lover of God, and lover of ME (its all about me ya know LOL), MAN to my house. Thats it!!

Fun day in the forest!!

Last weekend we went to the forest with Auntie Carrie and Uncle Chris and cousin Jacob. It was so fun to get together with family and drink tons of root beer and eat hot dogs and beef jerky. I do think there was something in the root beer and these videos prove it as you watch Chelsea and Auntie try to put on Skylers sweat shirt. Silly girls!!

On the way there Jacob show cased his new greatest hits Michael Jackson CD. We has so much fun singing very loud to "beat it," and "man in the mirror." I know I know...we are weird and yes Michael Jackson is dead but you know his music does live on. LOL Here are some pictures of our day in the forest.

Regrets from a birth mom in an open adoption.

I don't have many regrets in my open adoption. But looking back I wish I could have changed a few things. I wouldn't change getting pregnant with Ty, although I wish the circumstances were different. I wouldn't change finding Rebekah and Ben because I now cant imagine my life without them in it. I wouldn't change giving Ty up for adoption, now that I know the outcome...but I would change a few other things.

I spent many many hours thinking about how I wanted the birth to go while I was pregnant. I did a lot of research in the form of reading adoption birth stories and watching adoption stories on TV. I even would seek out people that were adopted and talk to them about their experiences, and I also loved talking to adoptive parents. I was gathering information and forming my idea of the perfect relinquishment. I thought I had it all planned out.

For the most part everything went almost exactly as I planned it. And despite a few drawbacks, like having to get more then one epidural and having my mom fall out in my hospital room just before giving birth, everything was wonderful. However...one of my regrets was not taking enough time with Tyrus. In my mind all I could think about was Rebekah and Ben taking all the "firsts." My life has been full of firsts and because I knew that I would not be parenting him and that this could possibly be R and B's one and only chance for a newborn I wanted the world for them and that came in the form of giving up a few things for myself.

I wasn't sure how I would feel about holding the baby or keeping him in my room. To be honest I was really afraid of experiencing to much emotional pain so I kept Ty at a distance as much as I could. It wasn't because I didn't love him, it was because I loved him so much that I was trying to protect my already broken heart. So, I didn't keep him in my room the first night...and now...I wish I had. I wish I had held him more, I wish I had kept him the whole night and just had more time....more time. I really really regret that. In fact before my rights were terminated and we had left the hospital I wanted so badly to ask if I could have him for just one night. I had no intentions on keeping him or changing my mind...I just wanted to be with him a little longer. But I didn't ask, because I knew it was hard enough on them. Can you imagine...can you imagine the anguish adoptive parents go through. For months me and Rebekah talked...and the promise of a baby was there for them after years and years of infertility, and in a moment I could have changed my mind and Ty would have been mine. My mind was constantly on that scenario, and I wasn't going to change my mind but I afraid of causing them any more stress then they had already gone through.

I think Ben thought I was a crazy women. In the hospital I kept asking Ben if Ty was hungry or if he needed to be fed. There was some maternal thing inside of me that just needed to provide something more for him...and I guess making sure that he was fed and taken care of was my way of voicing that. It had nothing to do with worrying if B and R were caring for him the right way, it was just me, crying out.

So if I could change anything, I would have had more alone time with Ty. Knowing now that it would have been hard on my heart but it would have been OK with R and B to give me that time. In fact, they offered many many times, it was me that was scared.

Now two months later I can think about all these things but I can not change them...and that is OK.

My only other regret is making the choice early on to make it a long distance adoption. I thought I needed the space, I thought I would want the miles between us...again to protect my heart. I have always said that if I didn't have custody of my children I would travel the earth just be with them. I thought that since I was choosing to give up Ty that it would be different and I wouldn't feel that way. I was wrong. It would have been OK for me to be close to them, and I regret making that decision. Really if you think about it, it would have happened anyway because when I found R and B, it would not have mattered where they lived, they were the ones and so there were no options anyway on location. I do know this...just because I relinquished my rights to Ty, no matter how I thought I would feel, I would travel the earth to be with him...and I will someday see him again.

The government can!!!

I REALLY want to blog...but have been trying to find a new normal with starting work. So a new blog post will be coming soon, maybe tonight, but I don't know.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....in the meantime...I LOVE this video I found on YouTube. It is very funny but it is also the sad sad truth. I am about to realize this truth because in two short weeks I will receive my first paycheck....and it will be taxed. (insert sad face).

Check it out below....