Monday, January 10, 2011

The ugly!!

My life looks pretty ugly right now. I'm trying to make the best of it but its pretty difficult. Normally on my blog I'm pretty upbeat, but not tonight. The ugly of it all is that my family is not together anymore. I can hardly blog about it, and as you can see I have avoided this blog for several weeks. Is it OK to just tell it how it is? Ugly!! Sad!! Hopeless feeling!! It better be OK because Ive decided to share.

My girls have moved to another state with their dads side of the family. I let them go. There were no custody battles...or fights...in fact I retain full custody, but the truth is that paperwork and words like "custody" and "parenting time" don't matter in a child's life, what really matters is what the kids need and there shouldn't be fights. I am blessed to still be part of my ex-husbands family. We consider ourselves family even though we don't have marriage paperwork between us...but we do have children between us and so we both take it very seriously. The facts are that my girls needed to be with or near their dad.

How do you go from having four kids....to two? I try to keep myself busy and occupied all the time so I don't feel the pain of missing my girls...but the pain will not go away. I'm missing two pieces of my heart. Its the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. Keeping myself busy only delays the pain.

Having only two children in my home is quite a different dynamic. My only comfort is that I am able to pour so much more into the boys. I felt constant conflict in myself with the four kids because I was always beating myself up at night asking myself "did I talk to them all enough? did I hug them enough? did I meet all their needs?" It was torture always feeling like a failure because I couldn't keep up.

Ugly is most certainly how my oldest daughter feels about me. Tonight I was joking with her about how she was just like me because the way she was talking just reminded me of myself and she got really really upset. She said she was NOT like me because she would never have given her baby up for adoption....HER BROTHER!!! That's the UGLY part of adoption for me. Thank goodness the good outweighs the bad when it come to Tyrus...but the bad sure looks bad. (side note)I got to talk to Tyrus on the phone tonight. Be still my heart!!!! I love him so much, and he is growing up on us all. (insert sad face)

So in the midst of all the chaos in my life I have been purposeful in spending time with my sweet boys and starting new hobbies. Me and my oldest son have taken up guitar. We are teaching ourselves and I have learned my first song which happens to be "Country Roads" by John Denver....because it was easy. My finger tips have blisters on them from the guitar strings but I don't mind. Singing is my forte and music is my passion so the two go together for me very well. It also takes my mind off the ugly in my life.

Again I ask myself, as I did when I was contemplating adoption...."What kind of mom lets two of her kids leave home at twelve and fourteen?" Except with Ty it was "What kind of mom gives her baby up for adoption?" In my mind then, I felt like I would be a horrible mom for relinquishing him...until I did it, and then I understood the full picture. Now, I'm not sure that I see the blessing in my girls being gone fully, but every day I'm starting to understand.

Its so hard for me not to go back to my early years in my head and wonder what I could have done different so that my family was not ripped apart...but the funny thing about the past...you cant go back and change it, you can only move forward and make it worth it.

That's all I have to say.

16 comments:

A Life Being Lived said...

Sending you some strength and peace right now....these choices are not easy and you are putting your children- all of them- first. Sending you a hug!

LisaAnne said...

I have been checking back on your blog every day for the past few weeks because I was worried about you. Boy, do I understand. As a single mother of teenagers all the way down to a 9 year old I parent (and a 9 month old who I also placed for adoption) I know that everything we do includes second guessing. Did we make the right decision? Am I providing for my children like I should? Am I damaging my kids because of decisions I have made?

We could beat ourselves up every single day. It is amazing to me how as single moms we are under a microscope. If we were married to our children's father, would we be going through all of this? Probably not. But because our children have another option, they can run. They can turn their backs on us and find temporary solice in the other parent. And I remind myself that when I was a teenager, I absolutley would have done the same thing if my parents were divorced. But (un)fortunately for me, they were married and I had no where to escape.

Perservere Rebekah. And feel the loving hugs of all of us who are sailing along with you. Single mothers understand and empathize with you.

It is all temporary. While it seems overwhelming right now, it will all work out in the end. There is absolutely no reason why your children would hate you. They are simply teenagers. And you are their mother. That alone is a recipe for conflict.

And you did the right thing for ALL of your children when you placed Ty with Rebekah and Ben. Everyone wins. Ty is loved to the moon and back by two parents who have all the time and energy in the world to love and devote to him. And the kids you are parenting get to have a less stressed mother who isn't trying to figure out how to function with teenagers and a toddler.

But I know when the kids say things like that it hurts. The words have been said at my house too. When they grow up, they will be better able to see the sacrifice you made. Right now they don't appreciate the full picture.

They have a relationship with Ty. Always have, always will. You have not shorted them the opportunity to know their brother. You found the perfect parents who are gracious and loving and considerate of all of you and your needs to be connected.

Hang in there Rebekah. I will pray for you and the girls. You are a wonderful mom doing the very best that you can. ((hugs))

All My Monkeys said...

Heavy heart for you. Been thinking about you the last couple weeks, knowing something was going on. Rebekah, I think we all have those worries about did we love and hug them enough. You're doing a great job. None of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. Sure, sometimes we reap the consequiences of those, but like you said, you can't change the past. You are, however, doing a great job despite those consequences. You're a heck of a lot better parent than many out there. At least you care. I'm sure this move isn't forever, but maybe it's what they need for right now. And I will pray for your daughter to find forgiveness for you. Hugs!

birthmothertalks said...

I understand some of what you are feeling. I sometimes beat myself up because I have birth to 3 children and only one lives with me full time. However, I can see my son who lives with his Dad more often because he lives in the area. However, that doesn't some without conflict because of the different households. I am starting to blog about that.

jodilee0123 said...

These broken roads. . . my heart grieves for you--desperately. Hold tight to your faith. I have no words of wisdom, but know that God is with you and He loves you. I am so sorry you are experiencing all of this. I have grown to know another first mom through her blog whom placed her first child and now is parenting two boys. I don't think she would mind if I gave you her blog link. Maybe you can find some comfort communicating with another person who faces grief with siblings in adoption. I will keep you and your entire family in my prayers. http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/

Deanna said...

Praying for you! You're doing the best you can. You did what was best for Ty even though it was very hard for you! That is sacrifice right there. One day, your daughter will see this. Fourteen year olds are half crazy anyway. :)

Kel said...

I hope with all my heart that your daughter can come to terms with these feelings of hers. The truth is, she has no idea what she would do in your shoes. I remember being 14 and having all of these golden ideals in my head about what the world and life were like. Things came crashing down on me at 17. I really hope she doesn't have the same thing happen to her.
I find you such a courageous person and mother. You truely know what it means to put your children's needs ahead of your own pride. To make the hard decision about what really might be best for them. The conflict that goes on between mother and daughter is tough to handle with out a father present. I know this from my own experience as a daughter. With out my dad's calming presence in our house, life would have been a constant battle of estrogen. I hope both girls will visit you and perhaps go through some counseling on their own and together with you to figure out where all of these feelings come from and how to deal with them.

I am glad you tell it like it is. For good or for bad. The honesty you show is admireable.

Hugs to you, and a ton of good thoughts and prayers too!Kelley C.

Live@Learn said...

You are still my super hero!!! I cant imagine the pain you feel on a daily basis. Chelsea may say she's not like you but OH MY GAWD she sooo is and I know you see it and one day when she matures a bit she will see it too... She will be the super hero of a woman that her mother is.
I love you to infinity and beyond! Im so glad you decided to blog about whats going on...it could be very theraputic for you. I love your raw openness. Transparency is a good trait and you are smart about it by sharing your world with a guarded heart.
I love you woman
cindie

Kelly said...

I am so sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully as she gets older, she realizes why you did what you did.
I am praying for you and strength to get you through this tough time!

Leah W said...

you are not the only party to blame here. the girl have their own naive portion to share and their father has a HUGE part in this as well. you are not the only one that chose to make you a single mom, he did too (either by decision or action).

you are doing the best you can, we ALL are, i am sorry it hurts right now. something good will come of this.

Corinne said...

You poor thing, this must be a really difficult time for you. :(

I guess only one positive is you know where your girls are and that they are safe.

Stay strong, I'm sure things will get better soon.

Rebekah said...

I never understood my mom until I started mothering Ty. As teenage girls we are so me-focused, it's hard to see past the mirror (heck, some grown women are still there!). As time moves on the girls will see. They'll understand you, someday, Rebekah.

Take their words lightly and stand firm on the mountains God has moved in your life. Cling to his promises and remember the cornerstones he's set in your life. Look at where you are, today. You have accomplished much and reached so many goals!

I know your heart isn't whole...but do your best to use this time wisely. Your boys will be better men for it.

I constantly pray God's best for them and you.

Don't give up.

cc said...

Rebekah,
I'm crying for you. I know how hard it is. Remember, I was also a single parent of 12 & 14 year old girls. I know what you are going thru.
Please email, call or text me. I'm here to listen.
Love ya Girl,
CeCe

Christine said...

I don't usually post here, and obviously you don't know me so take anything I say with a grain of salt. I may not know you but I do care about you and I offer my side with the greatest intentions.
Everything I've ever read about your relationship with your oldest reminds me of my relationship with my mom when I was a teenager, so I see your daughter's side like I see my own memories. However, on this side of parenthood I see my mother's side so much clearer too.

I left home as a teenager, and it was the best thing I ever did. As much as she loved me, and I wanted to love her, we were poison to each other. Never heard each other. Never listened, or understood each other. So much hate, anger, and even violence.
To this day, I don't think my mom ever really understood how close to the brink I was, it's scary to think back on how depressed I was and what I was contemplating doing to escape it. I needed more than what she could give me. Stability. Unconditional support. Patience.

Chealsea apparently needs this right now, and things (living situations) may never be the same as they were before this happened. But my mom made things difficult to try and repair our relationship when she held a grudge for years, resented me for leaving her. In my mind she twisted the way things happened, blamed me, and didn't let me forget it. In my mind, I had to escape the mental prison that was spiraling me into a deep depression. It wasn't a simple matter of not getting to do what I wanted, I never had sex as a teen or did drugs, I was a good kid just needed independence from the person who didn't understand me or why I was angry and treated me as a problem. There were some deep rooted problems leading up to the teen years, some were her mistakes, some were mine, but most were the unfortunate result of her being a single parent and just not being capable of handling it all (she had 4 kids too)

This is where the unwarranted advice comes in...
What she needs, if she is like me, is your love and support. Be her friend, her cheerleader, and less of a disclipliner. Whoever is her gaurdian now, you obviously trust enough to help raise her the rest of the way, so since she is living under their roof let them make the rules and you can take over the "fun" parts. When she gets to visit you make sure she has fun. Always let her know you miss and would welcome her back but also be sincerly happy if she is.
The main point is that she is declaring her independence (as much as a 14 year old can do) so be excited for her (as much as you can) that she is realizing she needed to change her environment and made important, life changing decisions that will hopefully ultimately make her a better, more resposible person. (It did for me, I turned out pretty awesome :) So, with this newfound independence she doesn't want to "be like you" in any way, shape, or form. There won't be any need to point out how much like you she is, because come motherhood she will find herself saying on a daily basis "I sound just like my mom! No wonder she kept saying ---"
Anyways, basically, be there for her, love her, be happy for her, and if she's as smart as she sounds she'll do what she needs to do to be a happy teenager.

Last note, I'm only 27 but the last year or two I have finally come to an understanding, and found peace with what went wrong over 10 years ago. It took me a while, but I not only forgive her for what she couldn't do, I applaud her for what she did do. She did a lot, I have so much to be thankful for. She did the absolute best she could.

Kriss said...

Ya know Rebekah, not to down play your daughters feelings but do you ever feel like she uses Ty's adoption to make YOU feel bad. While it's not the entire picture it almost sounds like she has other issues but instead of owning of up the issues it's just easier to blame you. It will come with maturity but I'm sorry in the mean time for you and your family.

Muliebrity said...

I am sad to hear that your girls are gone.