Autism is no joke....Part 2!!

Eventually, after several hospital visits and many tests, I finally thought I had some answers. I realized that Skyler NEVER had any of these seizure episodes at home. The teachers said that when it happens his whole-body collapses and he is unresponsive on the floor. They have to wait a few minutes for him to respond and then he gets up and sits on a chair. From there he is very weak and shaky. This gave me some clues. I even overheard one of the paramedics say that it could be a blood sugar issue. OF COURSE!!! With all Skyler's food issues, it had to be linked. I got to thinking. When Sky is home he has access to all his normal (for him) foods. He can eat when he wants and drink his milk. When he goes to school I do pack his lunch (there is no way he will eat any of the school food) but he cant necessarily eat when he wants because he is 18 and should be working. I couldn't be certain but I wondered if his blood sugar was dropping and causing him to have these episodes?  

I took him to his doctor and she did some blood work and suggested that we make sure he eats before the bus comes and pack some juices and snacks. I did that and here we are today, no further along than before in figuring out what is wrong with Skyler. He is still having those episodes ONLY at school and I am just beside myself. I no longer feel like school is a safe place for him to be with his health. I think that all these years of living on his limited food selections has taken a toll on his body. He lives on milk and carbs. 

Today I reached my limit. Skyler had an episode at school. I just started a new job and I had to call a family member to pick him up from school again. I cant do it. I just am so done. My anxiety level is so high. I am sitting at work wondering if I am going to get a call about Skyler fainting. I cant leave work because its a new job so I had to make a very hard choice today. I am going to ask the school to put Skyler on a home school program. This is the only thing I can think of that might work. He is 18 and still has a year and a half possibly two years left before he can graduate. He is so far behind. I cried a lot today. I am so sad. I feel like I have failed. I feel like the future is grim. I dont know how to move on. I am hoping the school will work with us. I am so lost and sad today. 

Autism is no joke...PART 1!!!!!

I was at the gym the other night and one of the ladies I am friends with stopped me and said, "don't you have a blog?" It was so random. I couldn't and still can not remember if I had told anyone here in Arizona that I used to be a blogger. After she said that I suddenly remembered that I did have a blog. I wondered if it still existed. I remembered how much I loved blogging and pouring my heart out on the computer screen. It was a safe place to say what my heart needed to say. Why did I stop? What happened that I lost this wonderful outlet?

I haven't been able to answer all the questions I just posed above but I think over time I will be able to unravel it all and put the pieces together. 

I recently purchased my very own laptop. Its been four years since I had a working computer of my own. With all the responsibilities I have now as a homeowner and a single mom of an autistic son, I just found it very important to have one. I even threw in a very nice printer so that I can print and scan as needed. I feel spoiled.  

It's been nearly four years since I moved from beautiful Colorado Springs to sunny Arizona. Me and my son Skyler moved here with our two dogs to build a new life. And so here we are four years later...a little wiser but nothing is easier for me. 

My son Skyler turned 18 on December 14th of 2023. It was a huge deal. A bigger deal, I think, than other kids his age. He has autism and although he is very high functioning in most areas, there are some areas that have become serious issues. When Skyler was born I did not know he had autism. He was not diagnosed until he was five years old. I just didn't know because he was never around other kids. When he started school the differences were very defined. I could tell so many stories about his childhood. I may have to write a book some day. 

One of the biggest obstacles for Skyler is his nutrition. When he was a baby he was so different than my other kids. He wouldn't eat any table food. He didn't want bites and he wouldn't eat any new foods. He went from formula to milk to peanut butter and honey sandwiches. He HATED baby food. I was so frustrated with him. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just eat like all my other kids did. I was not the kind of mom who let my kids choose. They ate what I prepared, or they didn't eat at all. Skyler could not be convinced to eat any baby food. If I put it in his mouth, he would vomit or spit it out and cry and cry. It was the most frustrating time of my life. I took him to doctors and they would just tell me that the bread he was eating and the PeanutButter and milk was all fortified with vitamins and that all he needed to grow was a thin layer of fat around the brain and that he was "doing fine" nutritionally. This was so hard for me to accept. Socially, when I was around a new boyfriend or friends or family, they did not accept that Skyler was this way. They would say "give him to me for two weeks, ill make him eat."

It was a constant battle. I did manage to get him into food therapy for a good while. The only thing they were able to accomplish was Skyler bit into an apple once but then he spit it out. It was such a disappointment. 

As the years went on Skylers eating habits have not changed. Its been 18 years and he has never EVER eaten a vegetable or a fruit. He has never had a hamburger or spaghetti or any regular food. His food choices are very limited and have been the same for all these years. I did somehow manage to get him to eat Chick Fil A chicken nuggets. It was the first protein he had ever eaten. Unfortunately, the city we live in does not have a Chick Fil A. 

So here we are today. January 30th, 2024. About a year ago Skyler started having these fainting/seizure type spells at school. At first they were just happening once every 3-6 months. The first several times they would happen I would have the school call 911 and he would be transported to the hospital for testing. It was so scarry every time I would get a call at work. They would take him to the hospital and of course I would meet them there. The tests would include x-rays and blood work and glucose testing, and every time there would be no diagnosis and ultimately, they would chalk it down to an anxiety attack. Over time these episodes started to get more frequent. I could see the concern on the teachers faces. They wanted answers and I wanted them too but I just couldn't figure it out. 

Follow for part two.....

Lets have coffee together!!!!

Good morning!!! Its Wednesday morning here in sunny Arizona. The weather has still been consistently in the 90's (makes me so sad). This week could possibly be the week that we actually get to feel Fall. 

So....I thought Id sit down and drink some coffee and write. 

I have struggled so much to make this little wonky town my own. Next month will mark my one year anniversary of moving here. ONE WHOLE YEAR!! I can equiviqually say that it has been (probably) one of the hardest years of my life. My downward spiral into depression from getting a divorce, watching my grandma die, and not being able to find my place socially and personally in this town has taken a toll on me in many ways. FORTUNATELY...I have a very strong will, and I refuse to live a MEDIOCRE life, and I REFUSE to stay in a space of sadness and weight gain and feeling unfulfilled. September was a very pivotal month for me. I decided to start dating again and try to create the life I want here even though I don't like this town. 

The secret to my success will come from within me. My strength will come from God and the incredible person that I know that I am. Moving forward means moving through fear. I struggle a lot with fear. Anxiety has also been an unfortunate constant for me the past year. I struggle with it in the evenings when the world gets quiet and Im alone and it causes debilitating panic attacks.   What I have learned is that fear causes my anxiety. Will I be alone forever? Does the guy Im dating really like me? Why can't I loose weight? And the questions that cause my fear go on and on and on. My goals for the next few months are to figure out how to move past my fear so that I can rid myself of the anxiety. Anxiety is a horrible thing. It hurts....its painful...and its scary. I believe fear and anxiety are the underlying culprits of addiction. I would smoke and drink so that I didnt FEEL my anxiety. If I could drink and make myself have a bit of a "buzz" then I didnt feel the pain inside of myself. Of course smoking and drinking were just making everything worse but In the moment of feeling so horrible inside it would make me numb to what I was scared to confront. 

These things are not easy to talk about. I really feel like a low life when I am over eating or smoking or drinking. I feel like I should be better than all of that and have already learned to deal with my emotions properly....but I just haven't. I don't know why. I know what I need to do but doing it is just so painful. Feeling the feelings of life are not easier. It feels easier to be drunk and carefree...but that is just smoke and mirrors. 

So my goal is to be able to deal with life and all it has to offer without any addictions. I know I will never be perfect but I want to obtain the skills that will allow me to take myself to a peaceful place when anxiety and fear hit that is healthy not destructive. I want to experience what it feels like to live this life to the fullest. Sometimes I wonder why we are here? Why is it so hard? Why do I have to struggle so much? Is there a place in this world for me that is steady....without addiction...without anxiety. Fear will always be there but I want to learn to feel fear and not have it spin me into a place of destruction. 

So I tell myself all the time now....when I feel panic coming on....."your ok...your ok...your ok." I tell myself "you don't need that to make you feel better...your ok...your ok." I talk to myself almost like I would talk to my kids when they were younger. This isn't easy. I turn 45 this month. 45!!!!!! Its the middle of my life now.....maybe even past the middle a little bit. I want to live the next 30-40 years different then the first half of my life. Im scared....I don't know how to navigate it....and there is nobody here helping me do it. Its just me and I want to figure it out. 

Here I am now. 

I went to Laughlin this weekend and someone snapped this picture of me. I was embarrassed to see myself. I weigh in at 225 pounds. Pictures can be very revealing. You don't REALLY see yourself. You tell yourself "its not that bad" as you continue to eat the pizza. You say "Ill start tomorrow." The lies we tell ourselves are just keeping us stagnant. Ill use this picture of myself for motivation. I will remember where I came from. 

And I will remember that I am beautiful just the way I am. 

This is me at my new job this week. I was able to finally get out of retail!!! WHOOP WHOOP!!! Its taken me a year to find a job like this. 

And in conclusion....I will remember what I have accomplished in the past. This was a couple years back. I got my weight down to the 180's and I was able to participate in and finish a "tough mudder" race!! Never in my wildest dreams would I think I would accomplish something like this. Its not to late for me. I may be 40+ pounds away from this picture but I can get there again. I CAN DO THIS!!! Life is worth living...even when you can't find a single solid reason to live or even care about this life  (I have been there this year)....there is a reason for it. You have to search for it and fight for it. 

Thanks for having coffee with me...Ill be back soon. xoxo

The Next Chapter....

 Ten months ago I came to this little town to take care of my grandma. If Im being totally honest here, I also came to make a new start and escape a marriage I desperately wanted out of. My grandma needed me, my family needed me and I needed all of them. It seemed like a good idea and in hindsight I suppose it was. I didnt understand all the lessons I was to learn from that decision but I did get some very good quality time with my grandma (who we actually have affectionately called Nana).

A little over a week ago my Nana died. I did not expect to be the one sitting by her bed alone when she took her final breaths but I was. I have never seen someone die. The night I went to her side after working all day I knew the time was near but I think I was ill prepared. I am thankful my mom was there not far across the room when it happened. After we were sure she was gone I remember looking around the room wondering if she was still in it. Maybe she was looking at us. We were singing to her "when we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be!" It was a beautiful moment. If she was looking at us from above her body Im sure she was just as curious as I was about death and what happens right after. I didnt feel any weird sensations when she passed. It wasn't dramatic....just peaceful. She looked like she was sleeping. We got to still be with her for two hours before they took her away. By that time the other members of the family were there. My mom and her siblings couldn't handle being in the room when they wheeled her out of the house. Me and my cousin Ashley watched for them. They were very considerate of us and my Nanas body as they carefully bundled her up and told us to say our goodbyes. We knew it was the last time we would see her. There would be no open casket upon her own wishes. 

So my last living grandma is gone. She was in my life pretty frequently for all 44.5 years of my life. When I was younger I used to sometimes let my mind wonder about what it would be like when she passed. The thought of her being gone would make me so depressed that I would dismiss the thoughts immediately, and now...its happened.

I helped carry her to her final resting place. I didnt even know that was an option for me to do until they asked. I felt honored. I knew she wasn't there anymore but it felt right to be part of putting her body to rest. Her body that held my hand and hugged my shoulders too many times to count. She was so many things to me that I couldn't possibly go into them without writing a book. I am so glad I was able to spend so much time with her before she left to live in Heaven. Its bitter sweet. She knew she was dying. She had dementia and she would sometimes ask "am I dying? or am I ok?" We would always tell her that she was ok and she didnt need to be scared. 

I guess this is what it feels like to have no grandparents. Ive never had this feeling before. Nana was always there. Just a phone call away. Even when I deemed myself a "not so good granddaughter" and neglected to call or write for a while it didnt matter. She always loved me. She learned to love people unconditionally because she had such a hard childhood and I know she never wanted anyone to feel the way she did. 

Im not sure what to do next really. My weeks have previously been filled with working, single parenting, being a grandma, and carving out any time I possibly could to go care for my Nana. Now that piece is gone I guess a new chapter needs to be started.  

If we could only get through covid!!!! Ill have to address that in my next blog. My son was just texted for covid. Sigh!!!

Here is my Nana and I being silly just a few weeks before she died. I told her to "stick out her tongue" and she did and then said "your silly!" Sadly a couple weeks after this picture she had a stroke in the middle of the night and was never the same. 

This is me and some of my family members taking her to her final resting place. I am the one with black pants on and a flower shirt. The stress of the last ten months really shows in my weight gain. Im not mad about it, thats life. New starts can be amazing and I have recently been working really hard on some new goals. Isn't her casket beautiful? It had these velvet feeling flowers all over it. She was buried right beside my Pappy who died last year. 

Here we are today. This is me and Skyler (my 14 year old son) on our way to get him tested for Covid. Ill touch on that later. 

In the meantime, squeeze your loved ones. You don't realize how fast the years go. Take care my friends!!

Weight loss and more.....

 

Good morning!!! 

My sister came to visit this weekend. I missed her so much and was so grateful for the time we had together.

Yesterday was my first day putting back into practice those healthy eating habits and using my new food journal for inspiration. It went well. Here was my first day. 

I love how I can sit down at the end of the day and reflect on the day and the choices I made. Its very simple but it works. I am not tracking my food anywhere else but here. I am not even counting calories. The less pressure I put on myself right now the better. Im enjoying the freedom and also I still have all the knowledge in my head from loosing weight before. 

The previous page in my journal was blank so I decided to jot down my "why" for this new journey. I have more than one why and when you read through them it might seem a bit negative but for me it is important to remember how it feels to be at this weight so that next time I decide to put aside all the healthy habits I know are good for me I can reflect back and remember how uncomfortable I am. Here are my "whys." 

I have a very nasty habit of night eating. Ive had it since I could remember. I have tried everything to combat it. I literally wake up in the middle of the night (usually around midnight or one) after sleeping soundly for several hours and get up and eat. My food of choice is usually a spoon, peanut butter and sugar free jelly with a glass of milk. I dip into the peanut butter and then into the jelly and eat it straight from the spoon. Sigh!! ALL my good intentions go out the window at this time of night. Its very frustrating. Ill keep you updated on my progress. 

I like weighing in every morning. Some people say not to but I like too. It doesn't discourage me. I automatically know if I didnt eat well the day before then im going to see the numbers go up...but if I did eat good the day before then most of the time the numbers stay the same or go down. This is super motivating for me. I have a smart scale. I am proud to announce that I lost 2.4 pounds. Its amazing how just putting into practice good healthy habits can get you so far. Here are my results!!!

If you don't have a smart scale I highly recommend getting one. I got mine off amazon and I love it. When I weigh myself it goes straight to the app on my phone and gives all these cool graphs. I love keeping data on myself. Its a great way to keep yourself accountable. 

So today my sweet Skyler started high school. If you have followed me for awhile you know he has autism (high functioning autism). This qualified him to start school today (just one day a week at this point but we are not complaining). It was weird putting him on the bus with a mask. This kid has grown so much. He is 14 and is six foot one. CRAZY!!

Going to school is so needed. He has been cooped up in the house since covid started. We are so tired of being home. Our town is small and there is very little to do. He was very anxious to go to school today. 

That about sums it up. There is so much more I can share but I will will wait to post again. 

I hope this post finds you all inspired to start your own healthy habits journey. Take care my dear friends!!!

Rebekah 

Finding my skinny again!!

 

Sometimes you just have to start over....from the beginning. Well....for me it isn't quite the beginning. For those that have followed me for awhile, in the beginning I weighed 319 pounds. That was eleven years ago. I have managed to keep off about 95 of those pounds but as you can see I have managed to climb right back into the 200's. Posting my weight is embarrassing. It can almost feel like failure but Im feeling so good about myself lately that I can't be mad....I just feel determined. My mental health is so fantastic right now that I feel ready to dive into improving my physical health. Its time!

Last week I put my name in for a contest on Instagram. I follow a sweet lady named Kristy McCammon. (you can click on her name to go to her web site) She was giving away a food journal. Im a sucker for another cool journal and I was in need of a food journal to kick off my new healthy habits journey that I wanted to start. Guess what??? I WON!! I never win anything so I couldn't believe it. I chose this cover.....

The inside cover has a place for a date...I chose today to be my start date.....

The next page was blank so I personalized it with a quote that I could reflect on and I decorated it with fall stickers. I can't wait for fall!!!!

The next page is your 100 day tracker chart. Ill just use this to be able to check off the days I was able to track my food. I do not expect perfection....but I do expect myself to be consistent and honest about weighting my food down. I also decorated it with some cute fall things. 

The next page is where I will write my food. I do have the myfitnesspal app but I do find that I am more consistent lately if I can write it down and not be so concerned about calories. I have tracked my food for so many years that I have a really good idea of what I should and shouldn't be eating and I know what good portion sizes are. This journal follows the "bright line eating" lifestyle but I won't necessarily be following that exactly. I will try very hard to keep its core principles in place and that would be 1. no sugar 2. no flour 3. no snacking. I will throw in snacks though because I work a lot and I sometimes need protein. 

    

Over the last seven years I have been gazelle focused on meeting my weight goal. Its just been the past six months that I have lost focused. I could make a WHOLE bunch of excuses why I have gained the weight back (49 pounds to be exact) but that would do me no good. Life is just that way. You gain some, you loose some right? Im not mad about it. I feel great mentally. I am no longer depressed...but I want to feel great physically. 

GOAL WEIGHT 175 

Guilt is the driving force of depression!

"Guilt is the driving force for depression." my counselor said to me last week.

"What?" I said. "Can you say that again so I can write it down?"

She repeated it and I wrote it down. It was such a profound statement for me that I had to hear it again and I had to write it down so I wouldn't forget. This statement summarized my entire life. I conditioned myself into depression at the age of 44. When I heard that it opened a door for me that I felt I could actually climb out. 

I am doing really really good.....mentally. Physically I am very over weight and I feel very uncomfortable....BUT....that is OK. I am being very gentle on myself in that area. There is NO WAY I would have been able to stick to a healthy eating  pattern and loose weight in my condition just two weeks ago. I was way to debilitated mentally. 

I understand now why people go through "midlife crisis." Your 40s are truly the mid point of your existence. Its the point where you have lived about half of your life and you are able to reflect back at all the good....the bad...the ugly...the sad...the regret...and then turn all that around and from there you have two choices. You can look at the past and all the regret and pain and decide that you couldn't possibly recover from it and live the next 40 years in that same pain and guilt and regret....OR.....you can view the past as a sort of shaping of who you were really meant to be and use it as a stepping stone to help others and most importantly take your existence up a notch and be the best human being that you were meant to be. I always knew I was not meant to live an ordinary mediocre life. I knew that I was meant for greatness. That may not mean that I will be famous or rich...it simply means that I can and will achieve greatness within myself. I do not have to live in the past....but I can live with the story of the past as my tool to greatness. 

The past week has been absolutely wonderful for me. I don't know who or what to give the credit to. Literally two weeks ago I could barely function. My head was heavy, my brain was foggy, I had almost no energy and no hope for the future. I was getting prescriptions from the doctor to help solve it but the medicines made me feel worse. So, I decided to pray. I did it....I prayed and asked God to please help me. I told him I was incapable of living this life on my own and I was sick and I needed help. I also started taking a BUNCH of natural supplements and stopped taking any prescription medication. I am NOT eating healthy all the time yet and that is why my body is still puffy and im not loosing weight but my mental health is FANTASTIC!! I have energy, I have hope, I can dream again and set goals. Who do I credit that too? Ill credit it all to God because he gave us the knowledge for the supplements....but don't get me wrong....I am NOT about to embrace Christianity again....but I can pray. Thats simple enough for me. 

 I find that I am still very erratic in my decision making. I don't like this part of myself. I heard one life give a lecture on the "stories we tell ourself." She said that when we feel sad its because of a story we told ourself, if we are anxious then its because of a story we tell ourself. In essence, we tell ourself these stories and it triggers a feeling. We basically have the ability to control our emotions based on the stories we tell ourselves. It sounds complicated but its really not. I started really paying attention to what I was telling myself, particularly when I would have an anxious moment or a guilt ridden moment. What I found was the stories I was telling myself were completely irrational. For instance, If I couldn't go visit a family member that I promised I would go see I would start to feel guilty after I told them I couldn't come. The guilt came pretty strong and to combat that I would start to think of ways I could make up for my lack by maybe baking some banana bread and dropping it off at there house or crocheting a couple dishrags and dropping it off. I felt so bad that I didnt visit and I thought that maybe they wouldn't like me anymore so I would have to do stuff to make up for it. The stories I would play in my head is that they wouldn't like me anymore because I didnt visit. This was the irrational part and completely not true but my brain couldn't comprehend that.....until now. I have dealt with this sort of guilt for ALL my life. Now that I am able to sit back and listen to the stories I am telling myself when I feel guilty or sad or anxious, I can stop the cycle right in its tracks and put myself on a better path. I hope to learn soon how to completely let go of all the guilt and anxiety wrapped up in these stories I tell myself but it will take practice. 

I have said all of this because as much as I want to loose this extra 50-60 pounds I have gained, it can not be done until I fix the inside first. Loosing weight is more emotional than physical. I know this because if you have followed me for awhile you remember that I lost 135 pounds all on my own.

I am excited to be back loosing weight. Its soon. I know it is....I am so close to being ready.