Tyrus...

Tyrus will be turning three in a few days. Its hard to believe that three years have passed since I handed him over to his parents. I can literally remember what he felt like rolling around in my tummy. The last month before he was born I could make out visible body parts from the outside of my stomach. I would sit and watch TV...look down...and watch Ty play. It was amazing. Ive only seen him a hand full of times in person over the past three years. I'm lucky though because I get the pleasure of being a part of his life from afar thanks to Rebekah. Her blog is my biggest port hole into his life. She blogs so honestly and doesn't forget to share his sweet face in pictures. I love it...I'm so blessed. Lots of people ask me how I feel when I see a picture of him or they ask how I feel knowing he is my baby. The answers are: When I see a picture of Tyrus...I see pieces of Skyler and Matthew in him. Ty's eyes are always so bright and they scream happiness and that makes me feel so good. I'm so proud of the sweet boy he has become. I can only take credit for giving him a good start in life, I give God credit for his life, and I give Rebekah and Ben credit for everything he is and will be. They are shaping him (with Gods help) and teaching him everything he will need to know to get through life. Its just amazing....they are amazing. The second question is different...How do I feel knowing Ty is my baby. That's very simple...he was never JUST my baby. He belongs to all of us and that's how I feel about all my children. God put these kids on this earth for all of us to enjoy including moms, dads, uncles, aunts, grandmas, grandmas, and most certainly birth moms fall into that category. I don't feel like I have lost him....he is just far away. My life is still very busy. I feel like I am running all the time. I'm constantly trying to make time for my kids and my family, and somewhere in the mix I try to make time for myself. In fact I had a lot of time to myself three weeks ago when I had a hysterectomy. It seems that all five of my babies did a number on my uterus and it was tired. I decided since I wasn't going to be having anymore babies that I would listen to the doctors and have it removed. I'm glad I did but the recovery is slow going. I still have not regained my energy. IM anxious to be back to my old self. I'm not sure where my life is going. My main jobs right now are to go to work and put food on the table...and to be a good mom to my kids. Nothing more nothing less...and that's OK. Someday my children will be grown and they will want to move away. That's when I will get to sit back and watch them take their adventure through life. My child bearing days are officially over...and it feels good...very good.

The end of my fertility...

In three hours I will be going under the knife to have my uterus removed. I have lots of things going through my head right now. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. What a weird thought that I won't ever have babies again. I'll post more later.

Pictures...

The boys on a Hiking Trip.

My boyfriend went to LA for a business trip and wrote my name in the sand for me. So sweet!!

This one melts my heart. You all know who Ty is. Now he is a big brother. Can you see how happy he is? 

Yes, these are my dogs. No they are not possessed. LOL

My first flowers of the season. The sight of them makes me happy. 

Me and my sister. Isnt she beautiful? I love her!

My oldest daughter Chelsea. She sure is growing up. I couldnt find a good one of Victoria. It makes me sad that I dont have the girls near me. 

A really good place...

Life is pretty steady right now. I have a constant schedule that pretty much stays the same every week. Work is tiring but very rewarding and my weight loss....well, I'm still a "looser," but it is taking more time then I imagined to get to my goal weight. 125 down, 44 to go!

I'm looking forward to Summer. Even though I cant eat most of the food at BBQ's, its the smell of the grill and the company of good friends that gets me going.

I'm not a very calm person as far as my emotions go. Outwardly, if you were to know me in person, you couldn't imagine that to be true, but inwardly I'm a constant worrier. I worry mostly about my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been together nine months now. Ive spent the majority of those months driving myself crazy thinking that he was going to break up with me or cheat on me, or top loving me, or not want to marry me someday. Its a constant, persistent, and exhausting mind battle that I put myself through. It takes away my joy and it takes away from my life. My boyfriend is a wonderful man and he treats me very respectably. We have some issues, but I think its because we both have baggage from our past relationships and we also are single parents. Put those two things together and it makes any relationship challenging. My mind battles are certainly just that.....MINE. The boyfriend isn't causing them...its simply my insecurities.

I'm in a better place lately. Something in the last two weeks has changed me. I am very far from being the "inward" worrier...but I decided that if the boyfriend wants to be with me then he will. I also decided that if the boyfriend wants to cheat on me....then he will...and there truly isn't anything I can do about either one of those things. My whole life I have only been treated horribly by men, so In my silly mind Its hard to get used to actually being treated like I'm an equal...like I matter....like what I say counts. Its very hard to retrain a warped and damaged heart. But I'm trying.....

So sad

Im so sad to hear that Mcmama's husband has left her. What in the world is going on???? This will be on my mind all day today. Being a single mom is not easy....

Feelings

I'm sitting here in my quiet house...thinking. The boys are asleep and I am left with my thoughts.

Today was a good day. We received a delivery of about 500 toys and I had the great pleasure of sorting through them and then giving them out to about 150 precious children. The sorting and giving took most of my morning at work. It left me happy and fulfilled and again thanking God for giving me such a wonderful job.

I think I have mentioned that I work for a daycare center. I work behind the receptionist desk and I fill many rolls. One of the small things I do is give the teachers bathroom breaks when they need it. They step out of the classroom and I step in. Today it was the toddler teacher that needed a break, so I stood in her classroom. It was the end of nap time and there were four todds still sleeping and one awake. As I was standing there she just stared at me with her big blue eyes. I just kept looking at her...she has beautiful light red hair and could pass for a precious moments doll. I couldn't stand her laying there awake....so I reached out my arms and she got off her nap time cot and walked into my arms. I lifted her off the ground and she wiggled her head into my shoulder and just stayed there. I thought back to before I became a birth mom....I always loved children and I would always hug them...but now its not the same. When I hold these precious little ones (who are the same age as Tyrus) it makes me feel like a delicate flower...beautiful on the outside...but so fragile on the inside. The difference now is that these babies are in my arms expecting me to hold them up and not drop them....but what they don't know is that I am depending on them to hold me...to hold my heart so it doesn't break. I am so grateful that I work in the place that I do. I can miss Tyrus...grieve my losses...and then hold a precious two and a half year old...and be grateful for how things turned out. Its a wild mix of emotions that nobody could possibly understand unless they have gone through it.

Its been a long time since I have opened my heart on this blog. I think I needed a break from the emotion of it all. So many things have changed in my life...good and bad. I desperately miss my girls, and I know that the distance between me and them will not change for a very long time. I try to remember that my girls do not belong to only me...but to everyone that loves them and I am grateful that everyone has pitched in to make their lives better. In case anyone was wondering, the girls are doing great....but of course...that doesn't change the fact that my heart longs to be with them again.

A year ago If I had one wish, I would have wished for my life to be steady. I'm tired of the big changes and adjustments that I have had to make. Now, a year later, I think I'm reaching a steady point. Ive been dating (in old fashioned terms "going steady") the same guy for over four months. He is 44 and a retired Captain in the Army. I don't blog about it because I am scared that if I talk about it too much then something will change and I wont have HIM anymore. Am I screwed up or what???? That's what happens to a girl that cant make things stick...or I should say...cant make men stick. But, I decided to face my fears and talk a little bit about it. I will say that this man, that I can now call my boyfriend...is a really really good man. He does what he says he is going to do, and he takes care of me and the boys.

So...for now, I am enjoying NOT being single...I'm trying not to worry about what might or might not be around the corner leaving me alone again. When I get sad or depressed I pull out the old whisky bottle and drown out my sorrows...LOL. I'M TOTALLY KIDDING!!! I am not a drinker (except a glass of wine here or there).

I love this saying...and I refer to it a lot:
"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've would've happened...or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the heck on."

Of course you could insert a stronger word in place of "heck" but I'm just not the cussing kind....LOL.

Take care!!

My birthday

Yesterday I turned 36. I worked all day and went home to a home cooked meal that my mom brought over. I am so thankful that my mom was so thoughtful of my schdule and didnt want me to have to cook. Thanks mom!!

I did work all day (ten hours), but received many wonderful surprises while I was working. My mom brought me a very beautiful fall flower arrangment, my best friend also brought me flowers and this wonderful painting (that she did herself). Isnt it beautiful?

Rebekah and Ben and Ty sent me an Etible Arrangments....which is so yummy!! It was the first time I had received one of those so that was really fun.

I also was sent a video from our sweet Ty. Its always so much fun to see him on video since we live so far from each other. This video was different as I imagine all the future videos will be because he is growing so fast and talking more and more. I felt so blessed while watching it because Ty calls me his "first mom." Now no two and a half year old would naturally know that he has two moms or that he was adopted...but this one knows...and seems to know it so naturally that his very special story just flows off his tongue. The reason that little Ty knows his story so well at such an early age is because his parents tell him his story all the time. They want him to know where he came from. I can claim no credit for what this little boy knows, I can only say that I grew him in my belly and gave him a chance at a very loving productive life....I hold his beginnings...Rebekah and Ben hold his future and ultimately God holds him in His hands. Ty's parents keep me alive in Ty's life. Its obvious they talk about me all the time. He remembers me from when I went to visit...I couldn't ask for more. I wanted to post this video here but I couldnt figure out how. It is so incredibly sweet.

Thank you sweet Ty for my birthday video. I love you very much!!!!!