Leaving Ron’s apartment complex that day left me feeling numb. The events of that morning seemed more out of a movie than real life.
I drove home and to be honest I have no idea what I did that day or the days to follow. I can tell you that I know exactly what was on my mind…pregnant?? Could I be pregnant? If I was it was just the most horrible thing I could think of to happen to me at the time. I’m sure that sounds very dramatic but as you can see my life was just completely all about drama. There was no “steady” at all.
As the days turned into a couple weeks I had had enough of the worry I was feeling. I still had not had a period since my miscarriage less than two months ago, so I decided to ease my mind I would go and purchase a pregnancy test.
Money was not something I had much of so I decided to just go to the dollar store and pick up a couple of those. They should do…right? That’s what I thought in my head. I certainly wasn’t pregnant anyway so it was going to be OK (I reassured myself.)
I drove home and went straight to the bathroom…followed the directions on the package…set the test on the sink and waited.
I didn’t have to wait long.
There were two lines. One was very dark, the other was so so light that you could barely see it. I was actually reassured by this although I didn’t know why. I had been pregnant four times before and had stared at MANY MANY pregnancy tests. Not one time ever in my history was there two lines and I wasn’t pregnant. Two lines meant “pregnant” but this time I was in complete denial and I was sure it was a false positive. I went to the store and purchased a better pregnancy test just to be sure.
Positive…but this time a brighter positive line. I fell on the floor of my bathroom…my heart pounding…and cried.
Pregnant again. A single mom of not four…but five kids. A pregnancy that did not result in love or commitment, it was a pregnancy that was the result of lies and manipulation. I felt used, scared, lonely, and lost.
Over the next week or so I was able to tell my very few friends and my close family. They were of course very supportive but sad for me. The sickness that comes with the early stages of pregnancy set in and I felt even worse about myself. What in the world have I done to myself?
I knew I had to make the phone call to Ron. I figured he needed to know. I wasn’t sure what to expect but it had to be done.
Ring Ring Ring
“Hello. This is Ron” He answered
“Hello Ron this is Rebekah.”
“Ok” he said smugly.
“I have to tell you something. It’s pretty unbelievable actually but you have the right to know.”
“What is it?” He answered in a hurried voice.
“What…are you kidding me? That’s impossible. You just had a miscarriage.” Sounding just as surprised as I was.
“I know, but according to the doctor you are the most fertile after a miscarriage. I’m about seven or eight weeks along.”
“Well I’m sorry but this just can’t be possible. I think you are the one who was cheating. This cant be my baby. I want a blood test. Who is your doctor?” he demanded.
“Ron, you are the father, I didn’t cheat, you did, and you can’t have the name of my doctor. Its true and I just wanted to let you know. I don’t want anything from you…I’m just letting you know.”
By this time I was just tired of talking to him. I didn’t want to hear his voice anyway, and he was just reminding me why we were not together. His next comments would rock me to the core.
“Rebekah, you know there is always abortion.”
“WHAT!!! NO…NEVER. I would never kill my baby. Why would you say something like that?” I shouted
“It’s just a suggestion.” He stammered back.
“It was a bad suggestion Ron!!”
“I’m sorry…I’m not trying to upset you. Have you thought about adoption?”
“ARE you serious? Ron, NO GOOD MOM GIVES THERE BABY UP FOR ADOPTION!!”
I slammed the phone down and started to cry. Abortion! Adoption! Is that all he could say. Neither one sounded like a good solution to me. Abortion was murder….Adoption was what mothers on drugs would do or maybe if they were homeless they would choose adoption. I was none of those things and I thought his suggestions were absurd.
Overwhelmed, tired, and not sure what to do I went on with my days.
Around nine weeks of pregnancy I started to have some bleeding again. I remembered what happened with my last pregnancy. The bleeding ended in a miscarriage and it scared me so bad. This was not a planned pregnancy but I certainly didn’t want anything to happen to this baby living inside me. My mommy instinct kicked in and I went to the doctor to get checked out.
Sitting on the table waiting for the doctor to come in was agonizing. I was already embarrassed and hurt and lost and now I was at the doctor, the same place I had been three months earlier only to be told that my baby was dead. I thought for sure this would result in the same outcome. After all, my first four pregnancies there was no bleeding. This has got to be bad news.
The doctor came in and I explained to her what was going on. She was very sympathetic and even after I told her a bit of my history she still was so compassionate. I was grateful for that. Because there was bleeding and I was in the first trimester she decided to do an in office ultrasound just to see if there was a heartbeat. My heart felt like it was going to pump out of my chest. I was so scared to see nothing….but at the same time I was almost ok with it because then I could put all of this heartache behind me.
I laid down on the table and she started the ultrasound. It was an internal ultrasound because of the gestation of the baby. I didn’t look at the screen; I didn’t want to see what was on it. I turned my head and I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I waited for her to say “no heartbeat, “but that is not what I heard.
“Rebekah” She said. “Look over here.”
I turned my head towards the screen and there in giant form was a twitching little miniature baby…with a heartbeat. A hear beat! The baby wasn’t dead. The baby was most certainly alive and also moving around. I was astonished and all I could think was….Miracle!! Since when did I bleed and not loose the baby? I felt relief but also still questioned what the problem.
“The baby seems fine,” I said “So why am I bleeding still?”
“Well Rebekah, knowing your history the bleeding could be caused by an STD.”
AN STD? Isn’t that a sexually transmitted disease? I couldn’t believe my ears. Not only was I dealing with an unplanned pregnancy but now a disease? I was mortified, sick, confused. Jerry Springer kept ringing in my ears. Boy would he make a lot of money off of my story.
I told her to go ahead and test me for whatever she needed to test me for. She gave me a pep talk about having unprotected sex and I went home and waited for the results to come in.
Less than a week later I got the call from the nurse. Much to my relief and surprise the test was negative. She said the bleeding could just be from a ruptured vessel in my cervix and that I had nothing to worry about but to try and take it easy.
I hung up the phone relieved but just exhausted. This whole thing was just to much for me. I felt so alone. I didn’t feel like anyone understood what I was going through and when I would tell people my sad story they would just caulk their head to the side and say “I’m so sorry.”
I kept going back to the conversation with Ron a few weeks back. For reasons I can not comprehend I couldn’t get the word “adoption” out of my head. I really didn’t know much about it but by this time I was just so ready to do something about my situation. I had my hands so full with the four kids I already was raising alone. So I decided to do a little research on the subject.
Adoption…..could it be as bad as I think it is? So I started to read...
Click here for Part 4.
Click here for Part 4.