Five years ago, as most of you know, I made the very hard but responsible choice to give my fifth baby up for adoption, leaving me with just the four children I had chosen to parent. Going through the adoption process left me in a whirlwind of emotions as a mom. On one hand I felt like I made the best choice I could for my newborn because instead of living a life in daycare and full of custody disputes I had given him a chance at wholeness. On the other hand I didn’t know where that left me as a mom. What If I got remarried? What if my new husband wanted to have more kids? Did I deserve to have more kids? After all I just gave one away right?
I chose not to date for a period of time after I had my birth son. I felt I needed time to heal and process all the events of the last nine months. For about two years I just spent time with my kids and allowed my heart to settle. That’s when I met my husband. I didn’t expect to meet someone so soon but it happened and he fit so well into my life that I fell in love with him.
We had such a special relationship. I loved him so much but I was having a very difficult time with the fact that he had three kids and they were very young. There was a battle going on in my head. I didn’t know if I was worthy or even allowed to have more kids. Wasn’t there some kind of written rule that someone who gave their child up for adoption shouldn’t have more? I was so confused and scared. There was no rule book or instruction book on this subject. How was I going to figure this out? I didn’t want to lose him…he was my answer to prayer.
We dated for several months and our kids loved each other and our our love grew as well. The more time we spent together the more I started to become more comfortable with the growing feeling that I was about to be a new mom to three more kids, but I kept asking myself “Is this OK?...Am I allowed to be doing this?”
I think every birth mom will face the situation I was in. I am so glad that during this time I had a good support team to help me though this difficult emotional challenge I had in front of me. In my mind I just didn’t feel worthy to be parenting any more kids since I chose not to parent my son. What I discovered after much prayer and council was that I was worthy. I was capable and I was allowed to have more kids. I discovered that there are moments in our lives that we have to make hard decisions, but that those moments do not define our future.