Before I decided on adoption I had to answer three questions for myself. The first one was:
1. Why cant you raise this baby on your own?
2. Will there be any emotional damage to the baby in later years by going with adoption.
3. Does giving my baby up for adoption make me a bad mom?
So I set out to answer these questions. I had to find out from others who had been adopted what they thought of their lives. This would help me decide on what to do.
The first thing I did was look up the definition of adoption. That should help right?
According to Wikipedia.org, the definition of adoption is as follows: Adoption is a process whereby a person assumes the parenting of another, usually a child, from that person’s biological or legal parent or parents, and, In doing, permanently transfers all rights and responsibilities, along with filiation, from the biological parent or parents.
That’s not what I was looking for. I needed something more personal…I needed to talk to someone who had been adopted. You can always read books and articles but I wanted to know exactly what was going to happen to my baby if I gave him up for adoption. What was he going to feel when he was fifteen or twenty or thirty? What damage will I cause to him by doing this if any at all. So I scowered the internet looking for anyone who was adopted who would talk to me. I found what I was looking for.
I spoke to several people who had been adopted…and I got the same answer from all of them. It usually went like this. “Ive actually had a great life. My adoptive parents were always kind to me and I had a wonderful childhood….but….Im sad that I don’t know where I have come from.” A bell went off in my head. These people did NOT have bad lives…in fact they had very fulfilling lives but there was one thing that was missing…ROOTS!! Everyone wants to know where they came from. The sadness that these people were describing was something I could solve for my son if I gave him up for adoption. IF…I went with adoption it would have to be open…very open. I don’t want him to ever wonder where he came from.
Now for the second question…does giving up my baby for adoption make me a bad mom? This is a hard one. I still struggle with it today. I have four children that I chose to parent and I was considering giving my fifth baby up for adoption? Who does that? You cant imagine the guilt and shame I felt over this question. Again I started doing my research and I was so blessed to find many many birth moms out there. I started developing relationships with them and asking questions and here is what I found? They were just like me? Normal, average women trying to do the best they could for their children and what I discovered was that Adoption was just another form of LOVE. Love!!! Can you believe it? Just by speaking to these women set my mind at ease. They showed me that it was a spectacular act of love to give my baby to another family who couldn’t have children and to also give my baby a better chance at life. (tears flowing down my face as I write this)
The last question took the longest to think through. Im a tough girl. I can get through anything. I had been through two very abusive marriages that almost cost me my life….four pregnancies…one miscarriage and an assortment of other heartbreaking things…certainly I could figure out how to raise this fifth baby alone…right? Just thinking about this question as I write this causes my stomach to ball into a fist and the tears gather in my eyes. The other questions can be answered with just some research and logic…but this one comes from the heart. This one does not come lightly but after many many weeks of thinking and crying and going back and forth I decided this…
There is so much love in my heart…and there is plenty of love to go around to all five of my children, but…the reality of it was that this new baby would learn to crawl, walk, talk and all the other fun things kids learn to do… in daycare. There would be custody battles, and bitter disputes between me and Ron, and I didn’t want any of that for him. It was bad enough that my other four kids had that in their lives. The bottom line was that there simply was just not enough time, energy or, emotional support for me to fathom raising five kids on my own. I felt that my baby would suffer because he was forced to life the life of a single mom. It broke my heart….I wanted more for him.
So in my fifteenth week of pregnancy, my mind was made up. Adoption was the answer.
The answer. Finally I had an answer, a solution. The weight that I had been feeling for so many weeks seemed to lift a little. It felt good to be able to process this with myself, and I really did do it all myself, nobody helped me. I was truly alone.
So what now? I really wasn’t sure. I didn’t know any adoption agencies or even the first thing about how to find parents for my son. Again I went to the internet.
The first thing that popped up was “American Adoptions.” I thought that looked interesting so I gave them a call. I told them a bit about my story and what I needed and she was very helpful and said she would mail me my first 25 profiles to look at. I was a bit anxious and disappointed that they didn’t have the profiles online but I had no choice so I told her thank you…hung up the phone…and waited for my package to come.
Click here for Part 5.
Click here for Part 5.