Saturday, October 24, 2009

Missing Ty.....

Two wonderful friends of mine wanted to bless me today. One watched all four of my kids while the other did all my laundry and cleaned my house. I am beyond blessed by these two wonderful ladies.

I myself had a busy day. I cleaned my moms house for her, and then mom treated me to a belated birthday lunch at one of my favorite restaurants. I then went and spent about a half hour with my best friend and then had to run and get my kids.

I was looking forward to picking up the kids. Of course I missed my kids but more then that, I needed my baby fix. The lady that was watching them was pregnant at the same time I was with Tyrus. In fact we were due the same week putting her little girl and little Ty at the same age.

So, Im driving down the road to get them. Its a pretty long drive, past NORAD, and onto a military base, which is ware I needed to pick up the kids. In order to get onto the base you have to exit your car, open up all the compartments, and dig out your license, registration, and proof of insurance. I was able to dig out all but the insurance card.

I was so upset. They would NOT let me on the base. I started to get flustered. You see, I really needed to hold the baby. I dont know why I felt so desperate to hold a baby but I did and now I was so upset because they wouldnt let me in. I called my friend and told her that I couldnt drive to her house and that she would have to bring the kids to me. She was fine with that and promised to be right there.

I sat in the parking lot and nearly cried. I knew that she didnt know how I was feeling and would probably leave the baby home because it was such a quick trip, and I was just so upset. I know this little girl is not Ty, but she is the closest thing to him and it feels so good to have her in my arms.

So Im sitting there and I see her driving up and she looks at me and said "I brought the baby." I snatched her up as soon as she could get her out of the car seat. She was the chubbiest piece of heaven I had seen since Ty. I loved every minute of holding her in the parking lot, next to a HUGE helicopter and tank topped with guns. Thanks Sheila for sharing your baby love with me...I needed it.

I was just talking to Rebekah about this the other day. She asked me how I was doing and I told her I was doing fine, and truly I am. I am so happy with how everything has turned out...but I think its OK for me to miss Ty, to miss his soft baby skin, fuzzy little head, and deep dark eyes. I wish I could see him. I miss him so much. My heart is soothed when I read posts like this, and get random phone calls from Rebekah giving me cool updates on Ty. I love it and am in no way regretting anything, but sometimes, its OK to just be sad. Maybe its because I started my period, but I think its just because I miss Ty.


Mochamama said...

I'm praying for you! I think it is completely normal to miss him. What a blessing that you are able to have the neat relationship with Rebekah and hear about how he is doing! May God's hand of peace be upon you today.

LL said...

Hugs. It is so normal to miss your little boy. I know that Shelby's bmom misses her too. Yes, she doesn't regret her decision with placiing her or choosing us to be her mama and daddy but she loves her and misses her and cares for her.

Praying for continued peace. I am so happy that you and Rebekah have a good relationship and strong communciation!

Amber, That's Me! said...

What nice friends to treat you to the special day!

I would think your feelings are completely normal. You are such a strong person and have beautiful kids looking up to you!

H said...'re awesome. That's all there is to it. I'm glad you have some people around you to bless you as much as you've been a blessing to other people. And I think it would be a little weird if you DIDN'T miss Ty from time to time. But the important thing is, you have that peace that passes all understanding, because like you said, you are so happy with the way things turned out. Hugs for you!

mak'n Changes said...

You deserve every second of free time you get,, you deserve a whole bunch more too. Im super proud of the lady you've become and I will always look up to you as my wiser, younger cousin.
I hope you get your fill of baby, I was telling carrie she and chris might just find out she's pregnant now that she's lost so much weight. So maybe you will get your baby fix that way too. How cool would that be for them to have another kiddo. So cute!
I love you becky, and hope your day goes amazingly!

M/J Granata said...

Thinking of you and praying for you! You are so very special. You are a blessing... and Ty will ALWAYS be proud of his first mommy! I pray that you begin to feel comfort and peace in your heart at this time. Don't forget how incredible and amazing you truly are. Hugs... and lots of love!

M/J Granata said...

Thinking of you!

birthmothertalks said...

I understand how you are feeling. It's so normal. I am glad that you have a great relationship with Rebekah. I think open adoption is the best. I was a victim of the 90's. It's great that you have good friends to help you brighten up your day.

birthmothertalks said...

I commented and lost it. I hate that. I can understand where you are coming from. It's normal to miss him. I am glad that you have an open adoption. I am a victim of the 90's.

Rebekah said...

I'm so glad you have another baby to cuddle. EVERYONE needs baby love from time to time! I think our relationship works because we are so honest. You are allowed to FEEL.

Ben and I went on a date night (for the first time since Ty!) last night and after 5 hours of being away I was chomping at the bit to get back to that baby! I can only imagine what you feel.

You are tremendously strong; we all look up to you.

Rose said...

I can't imagine the amount of love in your heart to be able to give Ty to a loving family. I don't know if I could do that, even if I wasn't able to provide for my child. I don't know that I am that selfless. I feel like I know you a little, I've been following Rebekah's blog for a while now, and it just occurred to me that I would love to read your thoughts and feelings too, so I emailed her to find your blog. Thanks for sharing posts like this, it's great to know there are people like you out there that have the love and strength to do what you did. I am a mother of two, and can't imagine the sadness you'd feel not having your baby at home with you. I'd take those substitute baby snuggles anywhere I could get them!!! Stay strong, Ty is the one that benefits in the end, which is why you're missing him in the first place!!